Loneliness is knocking on my door and I am scared

[Ampresus]

Hello everyone. I think this is the best place to describe my situation. I already felt quite lonely and learnt to live with it. Now that I started meditating, reading books, quit gaming and quit eating junk food, overall trying to improve, I feel even more lonely. Whenever I think about the succes I am chasing I feel happy. Whenever I listen to Russian music I feel happy. Whenever I go to school and fall back in the usual routine I feel lost. I feel like a machine doing the same thing every day. I don't hate school, since I started watching Leo's video's I found motivation to enjoy school. It's just my fellow students, friends and family.

I can't laugh at the same jokes everyone else does. I don't understand some, think some are dull or can't hear them clearly. I have a few friends, but after my break-up with the gaming community I have no relatable situations left to share with them. Believe me I tried making new friends, but whenever I try that I need to force myself to laugh with the jokes to ''be a part of the group''. I got myself already out of those situations, but now there is only one guy who is kinda my friend. He is an introvert, doesn't share much, and is even better at school than me. In general me and him are different, so we can't like do things together after school. I feel lost as you can see.

My family is muslim, I parted my ways with islam (they don't know though). Sure I can laugh with my mom and dad, but at a certain point it stops. Especially with my dad, we can't relate. The only person who helped me during the summer break with loneliness is my autistic brother. He has classic autism and I have cried several times on his shoulders. I believe you can see the problem I have with him, he doesn't respond. I can talk to him about all my feelings and he laughs. The guy laughs. Imagine having that happiness...

Right now I listen John Lennon ''Imagine''. I don't know why, I don't have much Green in me. Since I started listening that song I do have more of it, so it's probably good I listen to it. If anyone can relate and help, please. I am 14 years old, meditate for 2 months. Everyday 30 mins. I read my books everyday. I do shamanic breathing sessions every Friday. So far no mental breakdowns during those sessions. All I got was laughter. I guess my brother does influence me. 

Take care.

[Elisabeth]

I think you do need hobbies besides self-actualization. You quit gaming and with that the community, but you do need a community.

What do you like doing? You mentioned music twice, any chance you could be active with it, like play in a band? What else ... any sports? How about taking a course in creative writing? A chess club? Working as a guide at local tourists sites? (that's what I did at 15, lol) Whatever?

Self-actualization is a great endeavor, but it's a lot of struggle, often done out of a feeling of deficiency. You also need some activity that's engaging with the world, that's fun and potentially bonding with people. Pick something that's available in your area, interesting to you and not unconscious by design.

As for finding close friends, that does take time after you change direction in life. But I still think shared interests (and better yet, shared adventure) is your best shot.

[non_nothing]

Do you want me to read your post and post from my experience 

OR
Do you want to decide and tell me what do you need more in this life that you believe is missing? (or thing(s))

EDIT: Spend more time with your family more. At least do it consciously. Like tell yourself "Okay now I will be going to the living room and I will sit there and enjoy being there with my family" Stop isolating yourself via Internet. Ask questions to your family. Tell your family that you want to go outside for dinner at weekends.

Edited November 1, 2018 by non_nothing

[Ampresus]

15 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

What do you like doing? You mentioned music twice, any chance you could be active with it, like play in a band? What else ... any sports? How about taking a course in creative writing? A chess club? Working as a guide at local tourists sites? (that's what I did at 15, lol) Whatever?

@Elisabeth I go to the health club 3 times a week. Maybe I can get something done there. I just don't know what.

 

 

15 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

You also need some activity that's engaging with the world, that's fun and potentially bonding with people. Pick something that's available in your area, interesting to you and not unconscious by design.

@Elisabeth Any examples?

[Ampresus]

5 hours ago, non_nothing said:

OR
Do you want to decide and tell me what do you need more in this life that you believe is missing? (or thing(s))

@non_nothing This one.

[Hellspeed]

Conquering that is the first step to awakening after breath. 

[Elisabeth]

5 hours ago, Ampresus said:

Any examples?

Dude, you're not reading, I gave you a bunch. You have to think for yourself. It's not that hard to pick a hobby - you can't do it wrong because if you don't like either the activity or the people you can change it anytime.

[Your place at Heart]

I am Muslim like You and version of Islam of our parents are not what Islam of our prophet Muhammad but the Islam of lustful, greedy, power hungry, super-egoic Monarchs the way Catholics and Protestants were in History. Read Karen Armstrong a former catholic nun but very tolerant and loving person re-telling of the story of true struggles of our prophet who was for decades trying to spread hippie message of oneness, love and nonduality to the aggressive Arabian tribes but circumstances forced him to fight back, This will teach you essence of Islam and relief this deep ingrained part of your ego that is stained with religion that blocks your advance in life. Also, Loneliness is not real, its just your ego exaggerates the transformation period and is currently fighting you and does not wanting to let go. I certainly have suffered through this but understood that it was a lie. I now enjoy being alone because I get shit done and I feel constant state of flow. I still can hang out with people, but depends on people type. Most people I know like family members are like scheming courtiers who are masters are energy draining and subtle statements and questions and that are like knifes cutting right through my psyche reviving the underdeveloped beast and extreme phobias and self-doubts and self-consciousness nature in me that I am trying to get rid of. I honestly don't know you, but I believe if you could find the right people to hang out with, you have achieved what most people couldn't. If you want to hang out with people then develop the skill of acute observation without judgement or moralization and reading the true hidden meaning of what others say and what their body language conveys. You better accept being alone and practice loving yourself with all your heart and extend that love to others, this will heal your ego and ease letting go of need to be in control and surrounded with unconscious people who will generally do much damage to you in much subtler ways.

Edited November 2, 2018 by Your place at Heart

[Ampresus]

@Elisabeth You said: 

On 1-11-2018 at 4:08 AM, Elisabeth said:

You also need some activity that's engaging with the world, that's fun and potentially bonding with people.

''You also...''

I meant examples of these kind of hobbies. I have seen your previous examples.

[Ampresus]

5 hours ago, Your place at Heart said:

I am Muslim like You and version of Islam of our parents are not what Islam of our prophet Muhammad but the Islam of lustful, greedy, power hungry, super-egoic Monarchs the way Catholics and Protestants were in History.

@Your place at Heart I already discovered this when I was on my way out of Islam. The only part of Islam that interests me is Sufism. I already discovered that both Sunni and Shia don't see the point Mohammed wanted to make clear. 

 

5 hours ago, Your place at Heart said:

Also, Loneliness is not real, its just your ego exaggerates the transformation period and is currently fighting you and does not wanting to let go. I certainly have suffered through this but understood that it was a lie. I now enjoy being alone because I get shit done and I feel constant state of flow.

@Your place at Heart Wait, transformation period? What do you mean with that? And how did you understand that it wasn't real? All I know is the deep pain I feel in my heart every night. 

 

5 hours ago, Your place at Heart said:

You better accept being alone and practice loving yourself with all your heart and extend that love to others, this will heal your ego and ease letting go of need to be in control and surrounded with unconscious people who will generally do much damage to you in much subtler ways.

@Your place at Heart This is part of the struggle. I know I have to accept it. After I watched some videos of Leo he said that I should better get used to it. That's the issue. I had no clue how. Now I know that I have to accept that loneliness is fake, I just don't understand how it is. Does it work the same way as spirituality or non-duality? Like, does it need to be experienced somehow to be understood?

[Talinn]

I was insanely lonely and so I went for a hike last weekend.

Indoors, everything has a purpose. Your carpet keeps your feet comfy. Your fridge stores food.

What is the purpose of this saguaro cactus? It's certainly not there to make you comfy.

(pretty much a direct repost of what Leo suggests. meh, it's true, it works).

 

Edited November 4, 2018 by Talinn

[Ampresus]

3 minutes ago, Talinn said:

I was insanely lonely and so I went for a hike last weekend.

Indoors, everything has a purpose. Your carpet keeps your feet comfy. Your fridge stores food.

What is the purpose of this saguaro cactus? It's certainly not there to make you comfy.

(pretty much a direct repost of what Leo suggests. meh, it's true, it works).

 

@Talinn I think it was Thursday when I, for the first time, went to the local park after school. My mom expected me to go home and waited for me, but I was having a walk in the park. It felt pretty amazing. The silence there, compared to the city. How everything is fine there. I spotted 2 parrots and they just did what they always do. As you said, everything there didn't have a purpose. It just was. I think I will go there again, without a backpack. It hurt my shoulders. 

[Talinn]

Yeah I actually specifically dropped everything and moved from Colorado to southern AZ specifically because I get the sense that cactus just *are*, a lot more than other forms of plants ( or anything else in nature).

 

IDK it's weird. I hate being a parrot, but travelling to new places *does* help. When you have firsthand experiences of new types of things in the universe, it's possible that they will resonate with you more than your local fauna. Perhaps sheerly because of the fact that you didn't grow up with them.

 

Cacti definately resonate a lot with me.

[Elisabeth]

On 11/2/2018 at 6:25 PM, Ampresus said:

@Elisabeth You said: 

''You also...''

I see, that was the misunderstanding. You need inner spiritual work, AND engagement with the wold and the people around you, that's what I was saying.

I don't know if you like Teal Swan. She's got a book on understanding loneliness coming out. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_FZD2rbBTI&t=602s

[Ampresus]

3 hours ago, Elisabeth said:

I don't know if you like Teal Swan. She's got a book on understanding loneliness coming out. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_FZD2rbBTI&t=602s

I will add her book on my booklist. Thanks