Feelings Of Hatred - Break Up

[Sukhpaal]

Hey guys just wanted to share an insight I had while doing self-inquiry regarding my feelings on my break up. 

I first noticed I started to shift from loving my girlfriend after the break up, to shifting towards hatred quite fast.

I asked myself why?

I noticed when I broke up with her

I started to feel more Insecure than before

I felt more empty than I did before

I felt worthless

 All this while, she became friends shortly with her ex again after our break up. I would keep imagining in my head that she would hook up with him again and that drove me towards even more hatred. I was pissed, and still am here and there. How could she give me hope as a true love and just ruin it? How could she not put in what I put in for our relationship? How could she just strip everything away from me like that when she told me she never would?

As I moved deeper into my mind and quit taking everything at the surface of my mind to be true, it finally started to hit me. Hating her was easier than loving her after breaking up. My subconscious mind wanted to find all sorts of ways to reason and rationalize hatred for her so I would no longer have to love her. I would not have to miss her, and I could move on easier if I hated her. She never intentionally ever hurt me but this is what I was trying to do and still am. 

I still have to contemplate more, but so far I have realized I have a hidden agenda of my own at work here. I still have a lot of work to do to become conscious of it.

Hatred, Jealousy, Self-Pity, emptiness. The lie I immersed myself in is gone and I feel exposed again.

I realized Blaming my girlfriend was easier than taking responsibility of my own feelings.   

[SFRL]

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-we/201406/the-7-stages-grieving-breakup%3famp