Is my relationship toxic?

[beatlemantis]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year. Recently, I've been trying to bring myself out of an immense depression due to some truths that were revealed between us. 

We've had three-ways before, but the last time we did he was noticeably more excited with the other girl than me. Watching this was emotionally traumatizing, where it once was fun and exciting. We took a break and he apologized sincerely and made it clear that those weren't his intentions. 

But then, shortly after he told me he truly wants that lifestyle of sexual exploration, not because it's something erotic that we're doing together, but because it's a new girl he gets to have sex with. I understand this, but it threw me off completely. He later told me he wanted to ask me to have one with a girl who clearly has a crush on him and does not like me. I asked him why he'd want to do that if she acted repeatedly rude and competitive with me, and he said it was because they had a "sexual crush". It hurts because I know if we broke up he'd run straight to her for a one-night fling or two. He tells me after everything he's told me, that he completely understands if I want to break it off (he even said if I was in his shoes he would break it off with me). But, I've decided to stay since then as a hope to progress and work on this as a couple. 

However, I feel I have toxic sides of me now because of this whole incident. I'm incredibly insecure now because of it, which leads me to express this somewhat often to him. I think I left a lot of emotional baggage on him. We still laugh together, love together, and are intimate together - but I'm starting to wonder if I'm working so hard to fix myself for the wrong person. Even though we haven't been discussing these things lately, and I've appeared to be getting better, I still just feel really uncomfortable around him now. I can't be the person I once was around him. I hate my presence around him, I just feel as if I'm annoying or trying too hard. I feel unworthy, almost.

I give a lot of chances in relationships and sometimes I feel I'm understanding to the point of my own self-detriment. I just don't want to give up on something that could've been a healthy, loving relationship. 

I still find myself really wanting and adoring him. However, I'm not sure if that want is derived from a place of insecurity or fear of being alone, or not. Truthfully, I find the biggest reason of me not wanting to leave him is because I want to become the person he wants me to be. I fear leaving because I feel I have developed a lot as a person in this relationship, and if I leave I fear I'd drown in a pit of an even worse depression and cling to my old habits. I'm not sure what living on my own would be like. 

I'm not sure if I should keep holding on or not. I want to be a confident, social, and purpose-driven person, and I also want him to be there to see that in me. But I wonder if that is, if at all, possible. 

Any thoughts are truly appreciated. 

Thanks so much. 

Edited October 30, 2018 by beatlemantis
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[Shin]

Someone will answer soon enough,

Just hold the line !

[ajasatya]

@beatlemantis hello. i've been where you are and i had the same pattern of thoughts that you're having. so this is the best thing i can tell you after coming out on top and healing myself:

you're overthinking. neither you nor him are wrong and your relationship is not toxic. you're pursuing what you want and so is he. the problem is that you want different things from a relationship. thus, you're not compatible for such a commitment.

the solution is inevitably painful and i'll put it very objectively. break up and face your insecurities by learning how to appreciate solitude. find the love you can give to yourself or die thinking that you're a puppet.

[Forestluv]

To me, it seems like he is moving in a new direction in his self interest. I don’t sense much “we” in your post. You’ve clearly expressed your discomfort and there doesn’t seem like there is mutual support and growth. There seems to be some co-dependency. I was in a similiar situation last year.

I would consider taking care of yourself and cultivating self love. 

[Elysian]

What happened to all the posts in this thread?