Social Anxiety Pushed Me Towards Self-Actualization

[The Don]

Hi.

I still have social anxiety and it's very hard to get rid of it (for those who have it) because it's wired into our nervous system.

Anyway, I have to be grateful for it because it pushed me towards self-actualization. Thus, I understood where social anxiety comes from.

As I was reading a book this paragraph struck me:

Quote

There is ample scientific research that suggests that touch is very important for the well-being of humans. Health, mood, mental development, and even longevity are said to be influenced by how much physical contact we have with others and how often positive touching takes place.

With that being said, I've never had a girlfriend and I'm 25 years old (you can guess that I'm still a virgin).

At the moment I'm pretty fine with my social anxiety because I accepted it in the sense that I'm not beating myself up because of it. It doesn't bother me that much. Meditation and reading is helping me pretty much.

The only thing that I'm afraid of is that not having intimacy and human contact will affect my health and well-being in a negative way.

I would like to be fine and happy without a girlfriend or human contact. Is that possible?

What are your thoughts on this?

 

Edited October 28, 2018 by The Don

[FredFred]

Not only is it possible, but it is essential!

I've made the mistake of entering a relationship while not being happy with myself 3 years ago. Very rapidly, I started caring about my partner a lot more than I should have. She was literally my other half, I couldn't live without her. I invested so much time and energy in our relationship that I completely forgot about myself. My personality was gone, out. I stopped doing plenty of things I liked before, I lost friends because I didn't have the time to see them anymore, etc.

About one year in, the relationship started to crumble apart. I was completely demolished. I cried a lot, slept a lot, lost all motivation to do anything. I lost my job because I wasn't able to work anymore. I was very depressed in general.

Eventually I got back with my girlfriend. I saw the mistakes I made before and tried to correct them. More alone time, a private space in the apartment, etc. We're still together now, happy and trying to make it work in the long term.

You cannot afford to lose yourself in another person. You cannot afford to lose what makes you YOU.

I feel like this video explains what I'm trying to say a lot better than I could, a must watch  

 

[Hellspeed]

Relationships with people are more of an accepted social norm than a useful thing for personal development. 

[aurum]

1 hour ago, The Don said:

I would like to be fine and happy without a girlfriend or human contact. Is that possible?

Yes and no.

Yes because of all the spiritual stuff you've already heard. It's all one, you can't love someone until you love yourself, you are in charge of your emotions, etc.

But I'd also argue that human contact is about as essential for the human experience as oxygen. Even animals interact with other animals and form various types of relationships.

Is there a stage where maybe you're so enlightened that even that becomes irrelevant? I have no idea. Theoretically I guess there could be, but I don't think any of us are there yet.

[Gabriel Antonio]

We are humans. Humans are mammals. And mammals need the touch and affection that you mentioned. 

“We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot survive without human affection.”

— Dalai Lama

Meditation, for example, is used sometimes as an escape to not deal with other people. It becomes a form of isolation. 

You just need to find a handful of close friends who you can fulfill your love/belongingness needs. With that, you will likely feel easier to interact with people in general.

[FredFred]

2 minutes ago, Hellspeed said:

Relationships with people are more of an accepted social norm than a useful thing for personal development. 

I agree with your statement, but only partially.

Yes relationships are a kind of social norm, as in you don't absolutely need to have any relationships to strive, but they also can be a useful thing in personal development.

My partner knows I'm interested in personal development. Not only is she fine with this but she also tries to help! I talk to her about things I read in books, on the internet, etc, and how I could implement them in my life. She listens to me and sometimes brings forward perspectives I did not think about before.

The same situation applies with good friends. My closest buddy is also in personal development. We exchange views on certain subjects all the time, It's always very interesting and helps us to develop even more.

[Elysian]

You can also be intimate with people without being romantically involved with them. Nothing wrong with being close to people without getting sexual, be that emotionally, physically, or whatever you both need. 

[7thLetter]

6 hours ago, The Don said:

I would like to be fine and happy without a girlfriend or human contact. Is that possible?

I'm in the same situation and I would say it was possible for me. Used to have the feeling that I NEEDED a girlfriend in highschool. Had a ton of crushes on different girls and all of that. I was always the quiet shy kid. After highschool that desperation pushed me to work on myself through personal development, and I even got into pickup for a year. Not a lot of success there but it was worth the shot. Now I'm at a point where I've accepted the fact that I've been single for a long while and myself so much that I love my solitude. I love being alone. I've let go of so many things that I just value my time and doing my own thing so much more than anything else. Also used to have some great friends growing up, but now I just don't feel a huge need for any of that anymore. It became a choice for me to live in solitude.

Just keep working on yourself and you will eventually reach the point that you're looking for.

[The Don]

Thank you all for your advice. I will use my time responsibly. Self-actualization means happiness.