Embracing the shadow side

[Arkandeus]

A lot of my late spiritual work has been intensely undoing the spiritual education that Ive received from the spiritual community  

A spiritual education that skewed me, threatened me,hell its just as damaging as society's education maybe even worse which explains why most people who try to enlighten go through periods of hundred times more suffering, a lot of spiritual morals and values out go against your nature as a being  

So this is about the shadow side, Ive made massive improvement embracing my shadow side, when I found myself stuck, suffering like a dog for weeks on end, trying to hold on be positive, have faith, meditate  

When I finally let loose, my ego, my mind, my pain , I let it all out, I curse the universe out, the higher self, I curse the world, I call women bitches, men assholes, I call my higher self incompetent, I call the universe dumb for this whole human life is a failed expirement, I call myself dumb for having chosen this journey and so on....all of it is out  

Something magical would happen though following this, suddenly my higher vibration would highten I would experience more connection and good feelings  

Then I would go right back into guilt, feeling like all that stuff is dark and egoic, and putting it behind me as such  , and go on trying to keep my vibration high being positive, being "good"  

Lately I came again to such a boiling point and this time I learned my lesson,Ive been completely brainwashed by modern spiritual values that deny all suffering, "you have to hold on, you have to have faith, you have to be positive and things will go right, its a test.."  

This whole notion that there's an intelligent design behind suffering that will end up rewarding you sickened my inner being  

Now I call a spade a spade, when things suck they suck, I dont control life, I dont control the universe, Im a sliver of consciousness in this sea, so if things go horribly wrong im not the one at fault, why should I take responsibility for such stuff, its not my fault and it does feel unfair

So I curse the universe out when I feel like it, if there's a desire to judge and to accuse so it is, that desire is there, that is the truth  

And usually after ive ripped the universe a new one Im at peace again with it, if something sucks it sucks, if its good its good  

When I feel grateful I express that gratefulness intensely, I thank the universe, I thank things, I thank people  

 

Im just done being the good kid that needs to put his best foot forward all year to receive his enlightenment gifts at the end of the year  

 

Its not so much a dark side as it is simply stating how things are and what you feel

Edited October 27, 2018 by Arkandeus

[WindInTheLeaf]

Seems like you've come to your senses. Be at peace with yourself and you'll find peace in your world. It's easy getting caught up trying to be whatever idea we may have of what we should be, instead of just being such that we can quicker find our way through the maze we build for ourselves.