Anxiety during pick-up and celebrating small victories

[Widdle Puppy]

So I have a few weak areas and general lack of practice in pick up and dating but I've been improving and am starting to realize that I have to celebrate and take pleasures in my small victories and also admit I'm awful with women/clubs. So my dating life has basically been being the "lucky guy" and not doing anything to improve it. Recently I started doing cold approach and implementing plans to improve my dating life.

I'm seeing some results. I started doing approaches this past month and got some numbers, from some really pretty girls too!  I've got two different girls out on dates that ended with kissing and making out but I also noticed I get nervous and just anxious throughout and am stuck in my head often. It's like a fear and I can feel it in my body where I just feel "in the wrong" or numb Like I'm wrong for being social or bad for not knowing what to do or am bad for not being perfect, it's kind of hard to describe honestly. I feel like I don't know how to advance it further, get them back to my place, more thoughts rise, now I'm in my head, etc.

I get this feeling much more strongly in clubs but I also made out with a really hot girl in the club (progress) before which is something I've never done. I feel like I'm learning and do see progress but how do you get comfortable celebrating your small victories? For example the time I kissed the girl at the club but I couldn't advance it beyond that since I got nervous, entered my head and weird emotions came up and then I started acting weird. I also had a number of options to open several other really attractive women but some anxiety appeared within me and so I left on a low note and although I made progress during this night I still have problems allowing myself to celebrate this cause I see my other faults. How do you take pleasure in small victories while still having this cloud of anxiety, fear and shame following you?

Edited October 27, 2018 by Widdle Puppy

[aurum]

@Widdle Puppy

Congrats for being willing to take action on this.

Your problem isn't what you think it is. "Not celebrating the small victories" is a symptom of a deeper level issue.

The reason pickup is so emotionally volatile is because, when done properly, you're being healed. Healing involves bringing up old emotional wounds, fears and destructive patterns that we've been conditioned into.

So the answer to this:

4 hours ago, Widdle Puppy said:

How do you take pleasure in small victories while still having this cloud of anxiety, fear and shame following you?

is that you don't. Fear and shame can't occupy the same space as joy and celebration.

At the root cause, what really needs to happen is a purging of that low vibration type of energy.

That doesn't mean to stop doing game until you've all these emotional problems. Keep going out and keep approaching. Find the ways that snap you into "state" so to speak and keep doing them.

But also, consider doing inner game work. That would be things like meditation, yoga, etc. And answering questions like why do you need a girl's validation? Why do you need it to go well?

[billiesimon]

5 hours ago, aurum said:

Your problem isn't what you think it is. "Not celebrating the small victories" is a symptom of a deeper level issue.

The reason pickup is so emotionally volatile is because, when done properly, you're being healed. Healing involves bringing up old emotional wounds, fears and destructive patterns that we've been conditioned into.

What are the processes of healing in game? 

I am a noob and going out but I still feel a lot of fear, anxiety, feeling out of place, i feel judged A LOT, and the most alarming signal is that I feel unworthy of interest from new girls. From the girls I've already dated I don't feel this unworthiness, strangely.

But with new girls I approach in the clubs and social events I feel this huge void inside my stomach that's consuming me when I ask for a date or to exchange numbers. Also, strangely enough, when I have zero women to date I feel sad but very calm and peaceful, while when dating I'm always anxious and in a constant state of "being judged badly".

What do you suggest is the best route to evolve in pickup beyond this?

[aurum]

3 hours ago, billiesimon said:

What are the processes of healing in game?

Just stay sober and keep putting yourself out there. When you have those painful lessons, don't just ignore them. Reflect and become aware.

Why did this happen? What could i have done better? Why did this hurt? Why did I need this to go well? Can I let this go?

Your successes can also be healing because you realize that the world isn't as against you as you thought. They reinforce that good things can happen to you and that you deserve them.

3 hours ago, billiesimon said:

What do you suggest is the best route to evolve in pickup beyond this?

There's no magic pill that I've found. Even to this day, I still have experiences like what you're talking about. That's the conditioned mind.

Just keep going out and being social as much as possible thoughout your day. Build a social circle. And stay present to those experiences that make you feel like you're going to die.

When you're not doing that, work on your inner game via all the stuff Leo talks about.

[billiesimon]

11 minutes ago, aurum said:

Just stay sober and keep putting yourself out there. When you have those painful lessons, don't just ignore them. Reflect and become aware.

Why did this happen? What could i have done better? Why did this hurt? Why did I need this to go well? Can I let this go?

Your successes can also be healing because you realize that the world isn't as against you as you thought. They reinforce that good things can happen to you and that you deserve them.

There's no magic pill that I've found. Even to this day, I still have experiences like what you're talking about. That's the conditioned mind.

Just keep going out and being social as much as possible thoughout your day. Build a social circle. And stay present to those experiences that make you feel like you're going to die.

When you're not doing that, work on your inner game via all the stuff Leo talks about.

Thanks! 

[Widdle Puppy]

On 10/27/2018 at 7:51 PM, aurum said:

Just stay sober and keep putting yourself out there. When you have those painful lessons, don't just ignore them. Reflect and become aware.

Why did this happen? What could i have done better? Why did this hurt? Why did I need this to go well? Can I let this go?

Your successes can also be healing because you realize that the world isn't as against you as you thought. They reinforce that good things can happen to you and that you deserve them.

There's no magic pill that I've found. Even to this day, I still have experiences like what you're talking about. That's the conditioned mind.

Just keep going out and being social as much as possible thoughout your day. Build a social circle. And stay present to those experiences that make you feel like you're going to die.

When you're not doing that, work on your inner game via all the stuff Leo talks about.

Speaking of why did this hurt... I had a date a few days ago with a really cute girl who I had a lot of common in with and really was my type. We made out some and it just went well. I tried to get her back to my place after and I think she wasn't ready for this proposition and how I went about it. She unfollowed me then a few days later on social media... I know I shouldn't be overly invested on a first date and usually I'm not so bothered by stuff like this but this one for inner reasons really hurt me. I found myself willing to show the "real me" on this date and let down some emotional armor on this date. I've been depressed the last few days. It feels kind of pathetic to be triggered this badly by just a first date but there is a ton to unpack here and it really has me fucked up.... Do you have any advice on how to reflect and learn from stuff like this? I see it as a start at least. I don't wanna be one of those guys that's just like "suck it up and move on" since it feels like an inner issue that I would just be bottling up. 

Edited October 29, 2018 by Widdle Puppy

[aurum]

3 hours ago, Widdle Puppy said:

I don't wanna be one of those guys that's just like "suck it up and move on" since it feels like an inner issue that I would just be bottling up. 

First thing you need to do is just sit and feel.

Don't even meditate, that's already doing too much. Just go somewhere you can be alone, sit down, and just feel whatever is going on inside your body. Good, bad, happy, sad, ugly, scary, doesn't matter. Don't try to feel, just feel.

Do this for however long you want, but I would suggest at least 30 minutes.

You're probably be shocked how much you're unconsciously stuffing down by running around and not taking the time to do this.

Emotions come and they go. The way you don't bottle things up is simply by doing what I'm talking about. You just feel. And if something wants to express itself physically like crying or punching something, you can do that too.

That alone will do a lot of the healing. But also reflect using that set of questions I gave you and logically breakdown what happened. Is the story your mind is telling you absolutely true?

Anyway, this is a good thing that's happening. These are often the kind of moments when you grow.

[Widdle Puppy]

On 10/30/2018 at 0:23 AM, aurum said:

First thing you need to do is just sit and feel.

Don't even meditate, that's already doing too much. Just go somewhere you can be alone, sit down, and just feel whatever is going on inside your body. Good, bad, happy, sad, ugly, scary, doesn't matter. Don't try to feel, just feel.

Do this for however long you want, but I would suggest at least 30 minutes.

You're probably be shocked how much you're unconsciously stuffing down by running around and not taking the time to do this.

Emotions come and they go. The way you don't bottle things up is simply by doing what I'm talking about. You just feel. And if something wants to express itself physically like crying or punching something, you can do that too.

That alone will do a lot of the healing. But also reflect using that set of questions I gave you and logically breakdown what happened. Is the story your mind is telling you absolutely true?

Anyway, this is a good thing that's happening. These are often the kind of moments when you grow.

Thanks for the advice.

I did a bit of reflecting and there exists this sort of broad contradiction in my mind. 

So basically I can see there is this "FLOW" deficiency in my dating life. I stick to sort of trying the same thing over and over. Some things I've reaped the low hanging fruit from and it feels good but it isn't getting me the results I "need" and it's making it hard to progress and is demoralizing since I'm now sort of starting to hate the process . I have some emotional issues on the inside. I'm in this bad habit loop of seeking validation and the current paradigm or process I'm using isn't working. I'm attached to it however and a rejection of it is a rejection of ME and that hurts and it makes the challenge feel redundant and like it's impossible for ME to continue to progress. It's like I'm stuck on the second level of a video game :\   

I need to do healing on the inside but I'm not sure how to do that separately since it seems like dating is really one of the few things I feel actually makes a lot of this painful stuff inside surface. Let's say I just gave up on dating now which I have for the last few months earlier this year. Life was comfortable and I felt "good" but I know I wasn't being challenged in any way and sort of fell into a lazy/depressed state. The stuff on the inside wasn't coming to the surface and in a weird way from that perspective I felt "healthy/comfortable" but I could feel underneath I wasn't and it would only fester down there. But now that I'm doing dating again it's exposing a lot of this painful stuff to myself and I'm trying to find a way to make the whole process a proper challenge and not something that is just going to bring up tons of pain and then me throwing in the towel because it was so demoralizing and a lack of any validation.

Any advice you have for figuring out how strike a balance of process and using that for validation and reward rather than falling into the age old unhealthy habit loop of "challenge -> validation & reward y/n -> pain/emptiness"  ??? 

Edited November 2, 2018 by Widdle Puppy

[aurum]

1 hour ago, Widdle Puppy said:

Any advice you have for figuring out how strike a balance of process and using that for validation and reward rather than falling into the age old unhealthy habit loop of "challenge -> validation & reward y/n -> pain/emptiness"  ??? 

Ground yourself in your spiritual practice. Get a daily meditation habit going if you don’t already to keep yourself emotionally centered.

The rewards will come when you are ready, not a moment too soon or a moment too late. This is more than about just pickup. It’s about you learning to consistently tap into who you really are.

[Widdle Puppy]

On 11/2/2018 at 10:34 PM, aurum said:

Ground yourself in your spiritual practice. Get a daily meditation habit going if you don’t already to keep yourself emotionally centered.

The rewards will come when you are ready, not a moment too soon or a moment too late. This is more than about just pickup. It’s about you learning to consistently tap into who you really are.

I've had a couple dates since and it's hard. It feels like I'm backsliding a little also. I'm trying to deal with this fear of things not going how I want and just being detached and not caring and allowing myself to have fun and enjoy the process. I had a date yesterday and although it seemed to go pretty well it just didn't make me feel how I wanted it to. I think I have a perfectionist problem and an inner game issue of really wanting validation from doing well and am afraid of things not going how I want them to. I feel fixated on making sure I make out with every date I go on. I find myself afraid of falling in the friend zone if I don't or being put to the side for someone else and it makes me worry about if all the effort I put in will go to waste. I feel totally confused right now. 

Edited November 12, 2018 by Widdle Puppy