Questions for the girlzzz - the asshole vs the attractive guy

[Emerald]

Women aren't attracted to types of guys... they are attracted to very specific guys. So, if a woman becomes attracted to a man there is an immediate attachment before a relationship even starts. 

But there is a lot of dysfunction in the world. So, women who are emotionally dysfunctional in some way will attract and be attracted to  guys who are emotionally dysfunctional in a complementary way. And more often than not, the women get the crappier end of the stick in those relationships... though not always. 

For example, it is often that women who have trouble with setting boundaries, tend to be attracted to guys who like to go over boundaries. Women who have trouble with self-respect, attract men who have trouble respecting others. Women who have trouble with self-hatred, attract men who have trouble with hatred.

So, essentially, women's dysfunction tends to be turned inward toward themselves, and men's dysfunctions tends to be turned outward toward others. So, it's like a double whammy. This is a common dynamic. So, this is very bad news for women who are dysfunctional because they abuse themselves and find partners that will mirror that self-abuse. So, it becomes a vicious cycle.

But don't listen to any of the stuff written by men on this thread... they're just making up ideas in their head based on a fetishized notion of womanhood. 

As a teenager, for four years, I was in an abusive relationship because I have trouble with expressing anger... so I found a guy who exploded in fits of near-violent rage 10% of the time. But the rest of the time, I really liked being around him. So, I was willing to weather the 10% of God-awfulness to be around him because I loved him.... and he loved me too. But we were very dysfunctional. I had no self-respect. So, I felt the abuse was okay. I wouldn't have even left if he had beaten me... I'm sure of this. I was that attached. 

But at present, I have a much easier time asserting myself. I have more self-respect and firmer boundaries. And men like that aren't attracted to me anymore, and I'm not attracted to them. So, I know that if I got into a new relationship at this point (I'm married so I won't) that I would find a guy who didn't have these issues. I can smell a dysfunctional man from a mile away and I'm no longer attracted to the dysfunction. 

So, you just see these dynamics because the women are dealing with the contrapositive issue to the one that's causing the guy to be an asshole. But this is nothing for you to fret about or feel like you need to be an asshole to attract women. It's just that a lot of women tend to have low self-esteem and feel inadequate and lack self-respect. 

But these aren't the women you want to be involved with anyway. It's a lot to take on someone else's dysfunction. 

 

[billiesimon]

2 hours ago, Emerald said:

So, if a woman becomes attracted to a man there is an immediate attachment before a relationship even starts. 

Thanks a lot, your response is the exact one I was needing 

Uhm... In my humble experience girls became attracted to me over time... I never saw an immediate attachment. The best example I have is my last ex. She was acting very neutral all the time we were seeing eachother (we exchanged a lot of messages and then went to four dates). Immediately after I kissed her and had sex with her (i mean the same day) she went completely out of the blue from neutral and receptive (but still completely blasè) to completely attached and loving and hugging/cuddling. I was sincerely shocked, but since I was already interested I chose her as my girlfriend then.

And the same with the other two gfs. I mean, it might be ME that trigger this kind of "emotional defense" in women, since I've always been CAREFUL and afraid of emotional pain from women. Maybe this triggers them to be "cold" to create the complementary character to mine. But once I have sex with them I become more relaxed and peaceful and they BOOM become attached like they totally lost their coldness.

In fact my worst problem with women is that I tend to see them as completely cold and heartless in the first part of dating, and very warm once I reach full sexual intimacy. Which I like! because I'm an emotional guy and I love cuddles and hugs, but I also have self esteem issues with love and affection, I feel poorly worthy of love. 
I think this might trigger these emotional defenses in women at the beginning of dating.

 

2 hours ago, Emerald said:

But don't listen to any of the stuff written by men on this thread... they're just making up ideas in their head based on a fetishized notion of womanhood. 

Some of the responses are awful 

2 hours ago, Emerald said:

But at present, I have a much easier time asserting myself. I have more self-respect and firmer boundaries. And men like that aren't attracted to me anymore, and I'm not attracted to them. So, I know that if I got into a new relationship at this point (I'm married so I won't) that I would find a guy who didn't have these issues. I can smell a dysfunctional man from a mile away and I'm no longer attracted to the dysfunction. 

So, you just see these dynamics because the women are dealing with the contrapositive issue to the one that's causing the guy to be an asshole. But this is nothing for you to fret about or feel like you need to be an asshole to attract women. It's just that a lot of women tend to have low self-esteem and feel inadequate and lack self-respect. 

I'm sorry for the bad experiences, but I think I really understand you because I'm a male version of that, even though now I have a better self esteem. But my first gf for example neglected me a lot, while the last one was very caring with me, and at that point my self esteem was somehow decent already.

By the way, your experiences are somehow a gift to you and the world since you can now help a lot of people (especially men, to be honest).

2 hours ago, Emerald said:

But these aren't the women you want to be involved with anyway. It's a lot to take on someone else's dysfunction. 

I agree. No more paranoia and feeling wortless of love for me. I actually found out recently that I am becoming really really attracted to affectionate, caring but also self-respecting girls a lot. They give me some kind of authentic compassionate vibe. 

Well, thanks a lot again.