Going deeper with music

[Thittato]

Quitting psychotherapy

So I've been in therapy for almost three years now, and studying to become a psychotherapist myself for 1,5 years at the same school that my therapist is a teacher and owner at. I've been in doubt about whether I wanted to continue this education for half a year now, as being a social worker in a psychiatric hospital at the same time as taking part in these really demanding psychotherapeutic group-processes in this education is just simply too much for me and I've been longing for a long time now to have more time and energy to explore my creativity, so finally, a few days ago I decided enough was enough and told the teachers I'm quitting. I also think 3 years in total in therapy is more than enough, and now I simply need to learn to trust myself. To continue in therapy past this point I think would have been really counterproductive causing me more loss than gain.

I do meditate on a daily basis, and this will be my therapy from now on, in combination with creative expression. So I'm just really really really relieved that this decision has finally been made, as I started getting close to a burnout here. My life will be much more simple from now on.

Sooooo many processes going on this fall..... hahhha........

2018 was a challenging year, but a lot of good learning. I think 2019 will be pretty cool, and now I'm preparing for what my focus and intention will be for that year :-)

Edited December 17, 2018 by Thittato

[Thittato]

The challenges of naturalistic drawing

Okei, so holy crap, I've been sketching today, and been trying to get back into the groove with naturalistic drawing, and pheeeew, that was not easy at all.

It is probably like someone who hasn't been to the gym for several years, and is in deep shock the first time when trying to get back to it.

So with my "ADHD kind of personality," this has a lot of challenges, especially the emotional component of how much self-loathing it triggers is really bad, but I will see if I can just mediate on these feelings, and continue for some days with sketching and try to warm up to it again. I will only do quick sketches to begin with, and put the bar really low, just to get warm again and not put too much pressure on myself to begin with.

I was out in nature, doing a few drawing I felt really really REALLY bad about, that got me into a really nasty state, but on the positive side of it, I noticed to my surprise how intensely beautiful the nature looked afterwards. Like the trees, and the colors, and the shapes, etc, my interest in how things bends and get into all kinds of interesting shapes was really super-increased, and then I remembered that drawing from observation is really something that changes ones states of consciousness, as one gets out of ones head and into ones senses and there is a really increased interest for what is going on in the visual field, to really look deeply at things.

So that last part of this experience was very motivating.

I also forgot, it seems like most people when doing a naturalistic drawing session, there is a varm-up period first, with quick sketches just to get into it. You don't just go directly for the main drawing. You need to get into groove first.

Even noticing now, when looking at peoples profile pictures on facebook, that there is a much more acute interest in the visual details. That is pretty cool. I imagine if you want to capture a really great portrait drawing, there has to be this really great interplay between capturing the visual appearance of the person, but also you have to see the essence / soul of that person, and get that to shine through the visual appearance. It cannot be just a mechanical representation. And that makes it really interesting, because, connecting on a deep level, both with my self, with nature, with people I meet, and with the present moment, that is something I care deeply about.

Even though I'm giving up on becoming a gestalttherapist, I've gotten a lot of inspiration from it, especially this one quote from Fritz Pearls, the founder of gestalttherapy: "Loose your mind and come to your senses."

Edited December 17, 2018 by Thittato

[Thittato]

So after having been smashed totally to the ground by naturalistic drawing, I put together this piece this evening that I was actually quite satisfied with. So even though naturalistic drawing doesn't quite translate directly into this, I thing the humbling part of it really gives energy and focus to the process as a whole.

[Thittato]

Getting started again

So I've drawn 4 quick portraits so far, about one every day, plus some smaller tasks, like different everyday objects. With the 4th portrait I was getting some energy and inspiration from it again. It was quite a rough start getting into this again. But today I found an old sketch book from when I was doing this more often 4 years ago, and I have to say, the level was much higher back then than I could remember, so that was inspiring. I remember I used to judge myself a lot back then as well, thinking it was far from any good, but actually I had gotten a good foothold into the territory at that point, even though there was no sense of mastery. So today I'm pretty far from where I was, but the portrait from today was the first evidence that I'm not totally lost and that it will be possible to pick up where I left 4 years ago. Now the thing is my line is pretty crude, which is was back then as well, so I hope to get a sense of mastery and effortlessness this time, and to be able to make my line more beautiful and artistic, or at least find my own personal style that looks like something I own, and not just something that I struggle to get down.

Kind of strange that I feel so frustrated around this even though I have a lot of experience with meditation, and I meditate upon all these feelings. But I think there is a longing to feel more in flow, and right now these materials are not quite doing what I would like them to do.

Anyways, let's just conclude with I'm over the worst warming up to it again phase now, and that I can continue doing this every day with a sense of curiosity and excitement. This is really my chance to take this to the next level, and I think if had gotten a sense of mastery out of this that would have really added to my self-esteem regarding this whole thing. It would have been like a project that is just rusty and run dry and without much juice would have finally found its life-force.

The picture I get in my head is of a run-down, broken, fabric, that hasn't been used for years, and then suddenly someone decides to bring it back into action, fix it up, clean it up, bring in new and enthusiastic workers, etc. I think that is how I feel in general these days, like a run-down, broken, fabric, and I'm looking for which ingredients I need to get this system to work properly again. Both naturalistic drawing and meditation seems like key-ingredients. I'm a bit burned out because it was too much both working in a psychiatric hospital and studying to become a gestalttherapist, so gestaltherapy is thrown out, and creativity is moved up in priority again. I cling on to naturalistic drawing in order to give my life meaning and purpose in this period of changing direction, and probably I also need to mediate a lot to counteract this burnout.

I have a pretty cool book called "The Zen of Seeing - Seeing/Drawing as meditation" by Frederick Franck, that I'm going to read now.

Perhaps I'll start a journal which is more specifically about naturalistic drawing, since the music-part of this seems to have faded. I'll think a little bit about it.

Edited December 21, 2018 by Thittato