Getting the feeling of no meaning, no purpose, no anything. A story we all can relate

[Christer]

Hi, guys. 

Heads up. This is a post about sinking into the meaninglessness of everything, and I will include my own experience as well as many of us.

I had problems sleeping most of my life. Most of us have been lying awake in a deep hole, thinking about the world. The meaning. Death. Will I be in an endless black void after my death, until the universe collapse? Infinite darkness. 

For us who have have these "haunted" (blessed) thoughts know how anxiety, depression and stress works and feels, and how much "muddy" water we have in our cup. How insanely intelligent you are. It`s "rude" to even try project any vocabular on it.

My/Our thoughts have been fixated on these issues, for most of my life. Always there. Whenever I was still, I got into this. Twisting the beliefs of atoms as fundemental blocks, only to hear about newer and newer discoveries. String. Void. Now here is where the frustration really went big. What the fuck is this made out of? Who or what "wrote" the laws?! It simply can not be this. Science is explaining all of it, by theory (lol), and no matter how much the paradigm invent, they still was relaxed about the idea of Big Bang. This was just kinda waved over to the side, agreed upon and back to sleep. Cracks me up. We know all about the mechanics, but the blueprint was left murky.  Late 2017 we had come this far in science, but scientists had only 5 possible theories to what consciousness is. This brings my palm to my forhead. 

One year ago I gave up my life. I guess most of us experienced this beautiful moment. I quit geology, quit bodybuilding, quit surfing, and gave up my image. I could not see any meaning anymore. I did my first open eyes meditation in a pool, where after about 2 mins my mind exploded in an instant. "I came back" to myself, looking around at everything in great fear and confusion. I saw the fundemental ego, just like that. Boom, there it was. Of course I got sick, and had to go home, where I did not recognize my appartement. Two weeks of insanity came, where I fell over Alan Watts and Leo. I can not describe how thankful I am for these two sources. Thank you, of all my heart. The words are pathetic to my authentic feeling of love and appreciation.

 

Now, I did live about 6-7 months in pure bliss. "Realising" I am infinite and can`t die. Which funny enough makes so god damn sense, it´s amazing.

Some months ago I contemplated on "What is meaning?" for 9 days, 45 minutes each session, and got results. But only a vast intellectual understanding. The feeling of it came one month ago. 

Now, whatever I want to do I can feel the meaninglessness of it and I give up. Even before I start. I can feel the meaninglessness in objects, thoughts, actually also in family and friends. In life.  Whatever meaning there is I have to consciously create it, out of nothing.

I am now in a state of smoking weed, playing computer, and not doing anything to get anywhere. Just little me, isolated in my apartement, looking out of the window in awe of it all, but can`t find any meaning. It is a full on helplessness state. And a week ago I honestly felt the bottom of it. I was starved, high as fuck, in my goodie chair and staring at the wall. "This is it". "The bottom". The knowledge of thoughts and ego told me in this moment, that whatever i was saying it was bullshit, but the feeling was very real. I also know "if I am observing it, by definition it is not me", so I also can see that my feelings are also a false "bip" on the radar. But I believe that the subtleness of my mind led me to listen to it anyway. And solidify the thoughts and feelings as "cause and effect", to increase the illusion of time. I have been throught the "Arising and passing away" 3 times before I even tried to meditate, only to discover the feelings of sensations arising moment to moment in Vipassana 1 hour over one month. This became clear, that I am made up of flickers. Which again is content, so this rests kindly back there.  

Why? Why am I even asking this. I am here cause I asked for it. Whatever happens to me, whatever situation that unfolds, I know it´s due to my subconscious mind, and it wants this. Same with you. I know that I am the creater of my life, and whatever comes it comes. Cause consciousness. It is the most beautiful intersubjective unity, like cells i a vain or networks of streams to combine the similarity to a vain, to create continuity out of singular instant thoughts (I have had the experience of "seing" my thoughts "in my mind" at a distance from me, and it was like a machine gun spitting out singular pictures from what looked like a solid black rock, to create a movie, which blew my mind).

 

How am I to project meaning, if the fundemental projecting is by definition meaninglessness? By fundementally sink into the fact that things just last for an instant, it is not me and I will never ever get satisfied; tells me that whatever is going on I am literally full of shit. Whatever I say or do, I am full of it. How can I create meaning, when there is no fundemental meaning in the first place? Everything is just quiet. And yet everything happens.

Where do I go if I already have arrived? 

 

This is a post only to be read and answered if you are in the same boat, have experienced it already and came through or if you can identify subjectively with the ongoing "mitote". How do I get on the wave, if the wave is not there. How do i calm the pond from ripples, if there is no pond. How do I clear the sky, when there is fundamentally no sky.

 

If you don`t answer, this will be looked upon positively. 

 

Best regards,

Christer <3

Edited October 23, 2018 by Christer

[Forestluv]

I was immersed in the meaning-meaningless thought space for a long time - then the distinction between meaning and meaningless dissolved. . . 

[Christer]

Thank you for your reply.

Shall I just let it be and let it accummulate, or do you have anything I can look for? 

 

<3

Edited October 24, 2018 by Christer

[Lynnel]

On 23/10/2018 at 6:23 PM, Serotoninluv said:

I was immersed in the meaning-meaningless thought space for a long time - then the distinction between meaning and meaningless dissolved. . . 

Why is that that sometimes meaninglessness is so positive (aka I'm free to be and to do w/e I want) and sometimes so negative and horrifying ?

How did you transcend that ?

[WelcometoReality]

On 2018-10-23 at 5:43 PM, Christer said:

I also know "if I am observing it, by definition it is not me"

Have you heard about the concept of oneness? This might be an avenue to explore.

Would you say that you are experiencing duality now? You, which is nothingness or whatever word you prefer, and everything else.

What chooses which thoughts and feelings to act upon?

Are there "resistance" to certain thoughts and feelings?

 

 

[Hellspeed]

You have to practice what you realized is possible, otherwise is depression. 

[Forestluv]

On 11/3/2018 at 2:31 PM, Lynnel said:

Why is that that sometimes meaninglessness is so positive (aka I'm free to be and to do w/e I want) and sometimes so negative and horrifying ?

How did you transcend that ?

Meaningless will have either view, depending on how the ego spins it. Meaninglessness is both and neither. To transcend, take a step outside both views and observe both views without logical analysis. Observe personal energy that gravitates and grasps for one view via thought and feeling. Let go and allow the paradoxical views to both exist simultaneously. 

It’s similar to quantum phenomena of superposition. Before measurement, both positions exist and neither pososition exists. After measurement, one position exists. What exists before your mind measures meaninglessness?

[Lynnel]

29 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

Meaningless will have either view, depending on how the ego spins it. Meaninglessness is both and neither. To transcend, take a step outside both views and observe both views without logical analysis. Observe personal energy that gravitates and grasps for one view via thought and feeling. Let go and allow the paradoxical views to both exist simultaneously. 

It’s similar to quantum phenomena of superposition. Before measurement, both positions exist and neither pososition exists. After measurement, one position exists. What exists before your mind measures meaninglessness?

I'll pond this over, thank you  

[universe]

On 23.10.2018 at 6:23 PM, Serotoninluv said:

I was immersed in the meaning-meaningless thought space for a long time - then the distinction between meaning and meaningless dissolved. . . 

Is this a strange loop?

[Christer]

On 11/3/2018 at 9:32 PM, WelcometoReality said:

 

Have you heard about the concept of oneness? This might be an avenue to explore.

Would you say that you are experiencing duality now? You, which is nothingness or whatever word you prefer, and everything else.

What chooses which thoughts and feelings to act upon?

Are there "resistance" to certain thoughts and feelings?

 

 

You, which is nothingness is definition a dual. So yes, I am.

I am experiencing dual cause I am not enlightened. I can't grasp non dual, only in the conceptual state. If I am to experience it, I am sure it will be otherwise.

I get conscious of the meaning/meaninglessness, then a story is created where I look at that and can't find a way. I, me, my ego, can't rationalize it. Only accept it by don't understanding it, and then let the empty cup be open for filling. 

There are little resistance with my thoughts when I am conscious, cause I can't do shit about them. But of course you fall asleep at moments during the day and in the vast network of subconscious thoughts, there are of course accumulated a ridiculous amount if resistance I am not aware of.

It really feels like a not knowing a shit state, and I keep looking for a purpose, but can't see any. I can only see purpose in awakening.

Edited November 8, 2018 by Christer

[WelcometoReality]

On 2018-11-08 at 4:23 PM, Christer said:

I get conscious of the meaning/meaninglessness, then a story is created where I look at that and can't find a way. I, me, my ego, can't rationalize it. Only accept it by don't understanding it, and then let the empty cup be open for filling. 

What is this meaning/meaninglessness? Where in your experience does it occur? 

On 2018-11-08 at 4:23 PM, Christer said:

There are little resistance with my thoughts when I am conscious, cause I can't do shit about them. But of course you fall asleep at moments during the day and in the vast network of subconscious thoughts, there are of course accumulated a ridiculous amount if resistance I am not aware of.

It really feels like a not knowing a shit state, and I keep looking for a purpose, but can't see any. I can only see purpose in awakening.

Do you have any daily practice you use? Something like surrender can help you to let go of resistances.

[Mu_]

On 10/23/2018 at 11:43 AM, Christer said:

Hi, guys. 

Heads up. This is a post about sinking into the meaninglessness of everything, and I will include my own experience as well as many of us.

I had problems sleeping most of my life. Most of us have been lying awake in a deep hole, thinking about the world. The meaning. Death. Will I be in an endless black void after my death, until the universe collapse? Infinite darkness. 

For us who have have these "haunted" (blessed) thoughts know how anxiety, depression and stress works and feels, and how much "muddy" water we have in our cup. How insanely intelligent you are. It`s "rude" to even try project any vocabular on it.

My/Our thoughts have been fixated on these issues, for most of my life. Always there. Whenever I was still, I got into this. Twisting the beliefs of atoms as fundemental blocks, only to hear about newer and newer discoveries. String. Void. Now here is where the frustration really went big. What the fuck is this made out of? Who or what "wrote" the laws?! It simply can not be this. Science is explaining all of it, by theory (lol), and no matter how much the paradigm invent, they still was relaxed about the idea of Big Bang. This was just kinda waved over to the side, agreed upon and back to sleep. Cracks me up. We know all about the mechanics, but the blueprint was left murky.  Late 2017 we had come this far in science, but scientists had only 5 possible theories to what consciousness is. This brings my palm to my forhead. 

One year ago I gave up my life. I guess most of us experienced this beautiful moment. I quit geology, quit bodybuilding, quit surfing, and gave up my image. I could not see any meaning anymore. I did my first open eyes meditation in a pool, where after about 2 mins my mind exploded in an instant. "I came back" to myself, looking around at everything in great fear and confusion. I saw the fundemental ego, just like that. Boom, there it was. Of course I got sick, and had to go home, where I did not recognize my appartement. Two weeks of insanity came, where I fell over Alan Watts and Leo. I can not describe how thankful I am for these two sources. Thank you, of all my heart. The words are pathetic to my authentic feeling of love and appreciation.

 

Now, I did live about 6-7 months in pure bliss. "Realising" I am infinite and can`t die. Which funny enough makes so god damn sense, it´s amazing.

Some months ago I contemplated on "What is meaning?" for 9 days, 45 minutes each session, and got results. But only a vast intellectual understanding. The feeling of it came one month ago. 

Now, whatever I want to do I can feel the meaninglessness of it and I give up. Even before I start. I can feel the meaninglessness in objects, thoughts, actually also in family and friends. In life.  Whatever meaning there is I have to consciously create it, out of nothing.

I am now in a state of smoking weed, playing computer, and not doing anything to get anywhere. Just little me, isolated in my apartement, looking out of the window in awe of it all, but can`t find any meaning. It is a full on helplessness state. And a week ago I honestly felt the bottom of it. I was starved, high as fuck, in my goodie chair and staring at the wall. "This is it". "The bottom". The knowledge of thoughts and ego told me in this moment, that whatever i was saying it was bullshit, but the feeling was very real. I also know "if I am observing it, by definition it is not me", so I also can see that my feelings are also a false "bip" on the radar. But I believe that the subtleness of my mind led me to listen to it anyway. And solidify the thoughts and feelings as "cause and effect", to increase the illusion of time. I have been throught the "Arising and passing away" 3 times before I even tried to meditate, only to discover the feelings of sensations arising moment to moment in Vipassana 1 hour over one month. This became clear, that I am made up of flickers. Which again is content, so this rests kindly back there.  

Why? Why am I even asking this. I am here cause I asked for it. Whatever happens to me, whatever situation that unfolds, I know it´s due to my subconscious mind, and it wants this. Same with you. I know that I am the creater of my life, and whatever comes it comes. Cause consciousness. It is the most beautiful intersubjective unity, like cells i a vain or networks of streams to combine the similarity to a vain, to create continuity out of singular instant thoughts (I have had the experience of "seing" my thoughts "in my mind" at a distance from me, and it was like a machine gun spitting out singular pictures from what looked like a solid black rock, to create a movie, which blew my mind).

 

How am I to project meaning, if the fundemental projecting is by definition meaninglessness? By fundementally sink into the fact that things just last for an instant, it is not me and I will never ever get satisfied; tells me that whatever is going on I am literally full of shit. Whatever I say or do, I am full of it. How can I create meaning, when there is no fundemental meaning in the first place? Everything is just quiet. And yet everything happens.

Where do I go if I already have arrived? 

 

This is a post only to be read and answered if you are in the same boat, have experienced it already and came through or if you can identify subjectively with the ongoing "mitote". How do I get on the wave, if the wave is not there. How do i calm the pond from ripples, if there is no pond. How do I clear the sky, when there is fundamentally no sky.

 

If you don`t answer, this will be looked upon positively. 

 

Best regards,

Christer <3

Hi Christer,

I've been there man, oh have I been there, its a pretty stark flat, sad, confusing, frustrating place to be at times and yet at other times paradoxically so freeing, amazing, makes perfect sense, is the answer to life......  Lets see.  So far Serotoninluv has given you a great perspective on this.  Let me see if I can hit this from a few different angles.

For starters is this all meaningless?  Is there really no inherent meaning?  If your not CERTAIN, or if there is a possible .00000000000001% chance that it could be something other, why not leave that possibility open and let go of your conviction, wouldn't that be a little weight of your shoulders?

Also IS IT TRUE that by definition that if you see it, its not real?  I mean do you KNOW this, is it certain, or did perhaps you read about this and accept this idea at one point in time?  I can tell you from my experience there is a paradox that does not fit in normal train of understanding.  While yes all is illusion, all is very very real, very very real.  What would it mean to you to let that in a little?

Hope some of that resonates with you and opens up new avenues.  It sounds like your going through very normal spiritual growth, so stay steady and find time to just go out and laugh a little.  Life is short here on earth, don't get to wrapped up in anything, even meaning, meaninglessness or spiritual work.