My ego is terrified

[Butters]

This morning  I popped a L-theanine cause Leo said it's a great nootropic. I guess it works really well because I feel this sense of calm, focus and "spiritual" feeling I get similar to microdosing shrooms. But it also causes fear, similar to that I experience on weed, microdosing and general "spiritual" experiences I feel sometimes. 

I guess my ego is a frightened little girl. 

Maybe this feeling is only acceptable when I meditate, because then it's like I control it. But if it happens on my commute to work, it's scary. 

What to do with this? It's the reason I'm way too scared to take a full dose of mushrooms or try 5-MEO or regular DMT or Acid. 

You think this is also the reason why I fallback into TERRIBLE self-destructing patterns like shit food, porn, even getting a flu whenever my life goes really, really well? 

Thanks

P.S. I do believe one main reason is a social anxiety I have and the way I see myself, but this really doesn't help 

[Javfly33]

The mind is really a strange place. In my experience, I would advise you that you give less importance to all that, I´ll you why,  I usually experience those kind of irrational fears, even thought I have never had a traumatic spriitual experience on psychedelics, I get that kind of fear you get when I used to microdose in the past.

I even have little paranoias at night sometimes like closing all windows etc that sometimes I think...am I little too crazy or am I just fucked up? Then I take a psychedelic and all this obssesive thoughts dissapear, I see them from another perspective and it turns out it wasn´t anything too fear. Sometimes I get very surprised that, in certain aspects of my life, I see problems or issues far more sober on acid, than on sobriety life. But even like that sometimes I want to have an spiritual experience but I get fear from my ego, and it stop me. Well you can´t really force anything.

Right now, If you want to have a full psychedelic trip I would advise you to take a relaxing substance to ease yourself into the trip. Nothing too strong that will dull it, but at least you´ll get to try it and your ego will see that there is really nothing to fear. 

Edited October 23, 2018 by Javfly33

[Hellspeed]

In reality, you are not scared, you have some muscle tensions in the body that creates pain in yourself and the mind will freak out in fear. I talk about unexperienced feelings and parts of the body. Once you have the experience with yourself fully in the ups and downs, fear/pain will dissolve. It is a discovery of your body/mind. Maybe right now you rely on outside sources to tell you what is or what is not. Go inwards to solve everything.