Honesty.

[Wintfa11]

Hello and welcome to my journal

I am a liar. I have lied to my friends and to my parents, to strangers and to myself. I have lied, becaus it is convenient and facing the truth can be hard. I have lied, because I couldn't bring myself to hurt others with the truth, for my personal gain, for so many other reasons... 

...and I probably won't stop.

This journal is not about me becoming an honest person, I'm not even sure that can be done. This journal is for myself, to reflect my situation, thoughts and actions with brutal honesty. I have no idea what is going to end up in this journal, but there is not going to be a single lie.

"But why write a journal? He should be more honest to himself and be done with it.", you just wondered to yourself in confusion. Firstly, this is the self-actualization journals section, silly. Secondly, I'm glad you asked. 

I have been doing self development for about two and a half years now. I started quite slow, moving out of depression via meditation, discovering more and more new areas to improve my self in and trying new things. I made some desicions along the way that may still turn out to be huge mistakes and I still have obstacles to overcome, that were with me from the very start. While I never stopped, there have always been ups and downs, highs and lows, downward and upward spirals. I certainly have not been at a lowpoint for a some time now, which is great. This is the beginning of my biggest and most amitious upwards spiral yet. I am actually not quite certain how this journal will help or what I will even put into it, but here are the things I am currently working on and why:

• Exercise: I quite recently started bouldering and I love it. I want improve my performance by a lot. My current exercise plan is probaly the most ambitious thing I have ever done. I'm not sure if this is a sad or a good thing, but I don't care. It involes bouldering, working out and yoga. I feel if I can stick to my plan there won't be much to write about, since it's a more of a binary task "do it or don't", but who knows. 
• Awareness: I am not unhappy with my not so strict meditation habit, but for now I decided on 2x20 min in the morning and 20 min where I can fit them in throughout the day, before bed if need be, every day, no matter what. The "Why" on this one should be clear without explanation to anyone reading this I suppose. Yoga helps as well.
• Dating: This is a devil I have been fighting with for some time now. My first and thus far only relationship, which I stumbled into somehow, lasted about three and a half years and was four years ago. It has been a mix of lonliness and indifference for me since then to the point where it feels like virginity 2.0 to me right now. I have seen too much pua videos by now and I feel ashamed that I still have been virtually unable to approach women. This changes now! I have been putting this off way to long now. I am starting at just about zero, so what I am doing right now is going into the street and trying to ask for directions or the time, because even that is proofing to be pretty hard for me. I'll keep this journal updated about my progress and thougths about this topic.
• Facing fears: This is something I have been thinking about for a while now, but have not been able to figure out how to do it consistently. It seems to be a really important task. The approaching women thing from above is where it started, where I realized that I am afraid of really dumb things. If someone who reads this has advice regarding this I would be very happy to read it.
• Music: I have been playing guitar for about 10 years now and started learning to sing about six month ago. It's finally time to do something with this skill. I started writing songs and am looking into finding a band.
• Finding a life purpose/finding a way to earn money: To make this short, because I have been typing way to much now: I just finished college. During the last year of college I realized what I studied is not at all what I want to do in life but pushed through to the degree anyway. I have some months before my savings run out and now Idea what I really want to do to earn my living. I am thinking about taking a certain little course, but that is a really tough decision to make when I'm low on money anyways.

I plan on updating this journal daily. If anybody has a question or anything else to say please do.

Some relevant information about me that I forgot, but can't be bothered to put into text right now: I am 23 years old, male, live in Germany, studied something computer science related, I was a videogame addict (still playing, but controlled, love games too much to give them up) no, I did not proofread this