I Need Some Help With My Brother

[Diane]

I guess the highest me is also a better sister... Anyway, my mom asked me to help her with my little brother (I'm 27 and he's 14). I'm already doing my research but I thought I could use some advices from you, beautiful and wise people out there.

He's getting bad grades at school, doesn't take too much care of his hygiene; if it was for him he would just play basketball, see friends, watch TV and play videogames.. A pretty typical teenager in short and not such a big deal in itself. The problem is that my parents don't have a good relationship between them and my father is apparently not willing to be helpful in a way that goes beyond just criticizing. I've played the role of the third parent before but at some point I decided I would better focus on myself and let my parents do their job.. However mom is really desperate and exhausted now and I would like to help her. I know she has to work on herself too, especially on her self esteem and self efficacy...

So my question is: how can I help them without becoming a burnout helper?

Thank you for reading this and for all of your answers!!! :* 

[Extreme Z7]

Your brother seems to remind me of my past self. I basically wasted most of my teenage life playing video games and watching TV. I'm pretty sure this is not the kind of topic the Actualized.org forum was made for though and this definitely has nothing to do with the sub-forum 'Self-Actualization'.

If you really want to help him you have to make sure that you can help yourself first. I like to think of the advice they give you in airplane emergency demos where you have to help yourself first before you help other people even if it's a younger child. Same advice can be used in real life. If you know what's best for you, you should know what's going to be best to help your brother.

Don't take my advice too seriously though, I'm 19. I may or may not know what I'm talking about.

[Isle of View]

@Diane

It's not easy to give a good advice from a distance, but from what I read, the problem with your brother is only the surface result of a broader situation. 

The best bet would be, to instead of wanting to "improve" your brother to really, honestly look what is interesting him.

It may be that he is in a state of failed dreams (like having a nice family environment, or some personal things that he didn't achieve) and now his mood is fixed on boredom or below.

Don't treat him as a problem. 

Ask him instead what it is that his attention is fixed in (if applicable) or take him on a trip somewhere where you know he would enjoy.

Tell him you understand the situation he is stucked in (when you do).

Do the same with your mother. It may be your mother does not understand why teenagers behave like this nowadays. She has a cultural shock in the culture she lives in. It sounds paradox, but the world changes on such a speed that it really is a different culture than one generation before. Help her make some sense of it.

Good luck, 
Chris

 

 

 

[Diane]

@Extreme Z7

As a recovering people pleaser your words definitely resonate with me.. I ended up putting aside all of my plans for the weekend to focus on this because I wanted to have a closure by today. Me and my mom agreed that I review the homework with him every day for half an hour, this evening we'll talk to him to see if he's ok with that. I don't know if it's the right approach for the both of us, we'll see with time.. In the meantime thank you for your answer, have a great day!!

@Isle of View

Thank you for your words!! So far I talked to my mom only, she agreed that he has the right to at least do his hair as he wants even if she doesn't like it.. She also decided to start working on herself, I hope this will help her understand that my brother is no longer a child and accept how the teenagers' world works here and now.. We are going to start by the questions you suggested as we talk to him this evening and see if he would like to have some external help too. Again, thank you so much for your suggestions, they were really helpful!! Have a nice day.

[oschi]

I wouldn't put too much pressure on a 14 years old. I know how my parents behaved back then. I lied to them about my worst grades in school so that they wouldn't be too disappointed about me. Still they saw that I didn't handle school to well. Mom helped me with math sometimes. I got some private coaching that I didn't really like. I respect my parents for the help they tried to give me. But in the past I usually tried to blame them for regularly interfering with my own life. As a 25 year old I still feel like mentally 5 years younger at least. If I could turn back time I would tell my parents in the face: I know that I don't handle the situation to well, but when I really want your help I will approach you. But for now I need some time to fail. And out of this failure I will grow stronger. 

[Isle of View]

@Diane

You're welcome, Diane.

Talking to your mother about your brother will give you her view on things and how she is desparate about it. Don't forget that she looks at things from her own perspective, with her own expectations and "should be's" and "shouldn't be's". Don't let your own perspective be blurred by the pain of others.

If possible meet your brother alone, otherwise he may get the feeling that he is being worked on. But he needs someone he can open himself to. The best thing to help him do it is to accept him as he is. That's what we all want: being free to be ourselves. 

Give him a hug. 

Kind regards,
Chris

 

Edited April 4, 2016 by Isle of View

[Isle of View]

@Diane 

Your mother could benefit from the Sedona Method if she is open to it.

Do you know about this method?

It's a method that helps people release resistance they accumulated to things they don't like, can't face up to (and much more).

There is some information online, some youtube videos about it and some good books. (And a forum dedicated to this method aswell.)

It can help your mother to have a look at it. The method is easy to learn and she can get help on the forum. You could even co-process with her the Sedona Process. I do it from time to time with friends when they're stucked in something.

Also the book could help you understand the mechanics of resistance and what it does to people that they isolate themselves from their environment and goals.

 

Kind regards, 
Chris

[Diane]

@oschi 

Thank you for your answer!!  I totally agree with you on the fact that he has to follow his own path even if it means failing at times, it's true for all of us. At the same time though I know that you can't treat like an adult someone who is not one yet, he still need some form of guidance. We should find a balance between setting limits and giving him more space.. We haven't talked to him yet but the intention is to first ask him what is it that he wants and likes and how he would like to handle the situation so that we can get to a shared agreement about what to do next. We'll see how it goes..

@Isle of View

Giving hugs is something that we do far too rarely in my family, especially when it's a male-female relationship.. Thank you for reminding me of that!! I knew the Sedona method from one of Leo's vedeos, I've just told her about it.. I feel some resistance towards giving her solutions, part of me thinks that it would be better for her doing her own research and finding by herself what works for her, also because it takes a lot of time that I could use to grow myself instead.. I'm not sure though, I'm still working on finding a healthy balance between focusing on myself and helping others..

Again, thank you for your insights!!! 

Edited April 5, 2016 by Diane

[Isle of View]

8 hours ago, Diane said:

 

@Isle of View

Giving hugs is something that we do far too rarely in my family, especially when it's a male-female relationship.. Thank you for reminding me of that!!

I see, that's why I said. 

 

8 hours ago, Diane said:

I knew the Sedona method from one of Leo's vedeos, I've just told her about it.. I feel some resistance towards giving her solutions, part of me thinks that it would be better for her doing her own research and finding by herself what works for her, also because it takes a lot of time that I could use to grow myself instead.. I'm not sure though, I'm still working on finding a healthy balance between focusing on myself and helping others..

I understand that.

But there is one thing I would like to share with you: as lots of your attention is locked in this relationship, finding ways to actually relieve the situation will help you progress personally. 
A different way to say that, in this situation you are far more than only "you". You are the whole situation and you don't like that your attention is pulled in there. Is that right?

Here is a simple process you can run yourself to regain lots of insight into the situation.

Ask:

1. "What part of this situation with my brother am I willing to be responsible for?"
2. "What part of this situation with my brother would I rather not be responsible for?"

Use sheets of paper and ask both questions repetetivly, over and over again. You will find new insights and will see your position in it and also to what lenghts you are willing to go. Maybe also insights come up how you have added to the situation as it is today. No worries, just keep on running the process until you really have good insight and feel reliefed.

 

After that you could also use another process I shared some time ago here:
http://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/2199-maslows-pyramid-feels-lonely/#comment-21298 

 

You can let me know about progress here or via PN if you like.

 

Kind regards, 
Chris

 

[Diane]

@Isle of View I had never seen it from that point of view, thank you!! I'll work through the method you proposed and let you know how it goes tomorrow..  

[Diane]

Update: he's passed the year!!!  It has been an opportunity for growth for me too.. Thank you all again for your answers and your help!!!