On anger in the workplace

[tsuki]

So, we have this manager that has outbursts of 'negative emotions' (anger) every now and then when the workload is too great for him to handle and he takes it out on employees. It usually takes form of a witch-hunts and scapegoating that end in him screaming at people, implying incompetence.

It's been like that with him ever since I've known him and I do not expect him to change. I had always let him off the hook and stomach his outbursts, but two days ago he's been particularly nasty with me and another employee and I just fucking snapped and started screaming back at him. His was angry at something he's been repeatedly told is not true and in his anger - he failed to listen and acknowledge that fact.

So, I am not really worried about my job, or my relationship with him. What is the problem for me is that two days had passed and I'm still burning on the inside, ready to lash out at any perceived misbehavior on his part. While I space out, I imagine getting into fights with him and prepare a list of nasty responses to be used in retaliation. Basically - I'm still angry and I cannot seem to calm myself down.

I can function normally (my wife even says that I'm nicer than usually), but I feel like if something had happened - I'm 1% off from erupting.
I was always fearful of my anger getting out of control and perhaps I had just become aware if its extents. The feeling of anger is located somewhere between my heart and the throat and it feels like an insane amount of energy, ready to explode. When I come to think of it - it is actually kind of pleasant.

So, the question is: how should I proceed from here?
Can I calm myself down somehow, or should I let the mind run its course and not be afraid of further confrontations?

[now is forever]

@tsuki first, congratulations ? to the wedding.

and second - is this topic still actual?

did you write it down? if i‘m angry like that i use to write those people a letter or e-mail i keep until the next day and i never send them. but while writing the e-mail and by addressing the issue i can handle the situation much better .

sometimes it’s not enough organizing our space without taking it all out of the closet. we can put it back in a better order and use it more wisely afterwards.  sometimes it’s better addressing the issue, sometimes it’s better to fight back and sometimes not - but best with a clear mind.

[tsuki]

29 minutes ago, now is forever said:

@tsuki first, congratulations ? to the wedding.

Thank you .

29 minutes ago, now is forever said:

and second - is this topic still actual?

Kind of. I think that the lack of responses was the best response that could have happened.
Many things happened over the past three weeks and I'm not sure what is a cause and what is an effect (and what's even the difference).
What I do know however that I can notice that I'm much more decisive.

It may be the case that I associate the buildup of energy with anger, and anger with something unpleasant.
Going through such eruptions may be necessary so that I acquaint myself with myself a little more.
Having experience with emotions that I fear is very valuable to me.

[now is forever]

@tsuki for me it sounds like the buildup of energy is some kind of urge to say something against a situation that is not judged fairly - it wants to be spoken it wants to find words. so is it wrong to say something against unfair behavior? it might be not the right way to get aggressive, but how to react to someone who gets aggressive first? i think in many situations where people are under pressure situations like this use to build up frustration energy. it’s a chain of pressure given through from the top to the bottom if there is no one to stop it somewhere.

so it was a good experience wasn’t it? and you even went into superhero mode  

tsuki to the rescue!

maybe the manager will even be less closed minded next time. or you find a way to handle him better. if you already know he’s ticking ? because the real bomb is not you, you are the one who tried to say something against launching bombs.

it‘s all about sensing them eliminating them in advance or letting them implode.

Edited October 26, 2018 by now is forever

[tsuki]

1 hour ago, now is forever said:

@tsuki for me it sounds like the buildup of energy is some kind of urge to say something against a situation that is not judged fairly - it wants to be spoken it wants to find words. so is it wrong to say something against unfair behavior?

@now is forever I am the one that judges the situation to be not judged fairly.
I am the one that makes the behavior unfair by saying something.
Situations always inter-are. They are not only what happens, but also what is being perceived. 
It is neither wrong, nor right to act. It is inevitable and choice is an illusion of the monkey-chatter.

2 hours ago, now is forever said:

it might be not the right way to get aggressive, but how to react to someone who gets aggressive first?

Aggression is action fueled by suffering. To successfully retaliate is to store your suffering somewhere else.
When I'm mindful of other people's suffering when they are aggressive, I hear the screams as a plea for mercy.
They cry for mercy a lot in my workplace. Listening to it and watching the suffering is all I can do for them.

My particular problem was a bit strange because I got angry because I was blamed for something false.
I am long past the point in which I believe that anybody can be blamed for anything and it simply makes me angry because of sheer stupidity of it. Because of that, I retaliated and blamed my manager for blaming me. I feel so stupid .

2 hours ago, now is forever said:

i think in many situations where people are under pressure situations like this use to build up frustration energy. it’s a chain of pressure given through from the top to the bottom if there is no one to stop it somewhere.

I've seen it before. The former CEO used to erupt very frequently and the whole company was nuts. Thankfully, he retired and with only the manager left - it got better.

2 hours ago, now is forever said:

so it was a good experience wasn’t it? and you even went into superhero mode  

tsuki to the rescue!

Actually, it was! I kinda felt like a superhero and my relationship with the manager had improved for some strange reason.
He seems to respect me better now. That, or I respect myself and simply not notice his fits.

2 hours ago, now is forever said:

maybe the manager will even be less closed minded next time. or you find a way to handle him better. if you already know he’s ticking ? because the real bomb is not you, you are the one who tried to say something against launching bombs.

it‘s all about sensing them eliminating them in advance or letting them implode.

That's actually good advice. Too bad that it always has to be me that handles other people and has to behave sensibly...
I wish that people would take care of their own suffering and defuse it.

[now is forever]

13 minutes ago, tsuki said:

Actually, it was! I kinda felt like a superhero and my relationship with the manager had improved for some strange reason.
He seems to respect me better now. That, or I respect myself and simply not notice his fits.

strange isn’t it? maybe he asked for some kind of border. maybe he can only respect people with seemingly high testosterone level 

it‘s the old story of marking a territory.

you know tsuki in german there is this saying: the smarter gives in. 

sometimes if someone asks for it even to some kind of reaktion.

Edited October 26, 2018 by now is forever

[tsuki]

9 minutes ago, now is forever said:

you know tsuki in german there is this saying: the smarter gives in. 

@now is forever  Hahaha.
Who would have thought that the smarter should give in to anger? 

[now is forever]

@tsuki sometimes if it doesn’t stop ✋ you have to draw lines.

but the second part is only something i made up with my sis. it just says the smarter gives in, not to what the smarter gives in  i think it is to some kind of reason though.

Edited October 26, 2018 by now is forever