Is it over once a girl opens up emotionally to you?

[MM1988]

If a girl starts talking about whats bothering her and how she feels about life you are officially friendzoned right?

Often there is shallow talk phase when I meet someone at first, and after a while when we know eachother girls tend to open up to me. How could I not always immediately let it get this way? She wouldnt open up to someone she is attracted to right?

 

In the past I thought this means were getting closer but now I just roll my eyes when this shit starts, she just uses me to unload her emotions. 

Edited October 19, 2018 by MM1988

[aurum]

43 minutes ago, MM1988 said:

She wouldnt open up to someone she is attracted to right?

Not necessarily at all. Depending on the context, that actually could be a major sign you're doing something right. She trusts you and / or is qualifying herself to you. Some girls are also just more open than others.

The way I would gauge it would be if she was dropping other indicators of interest. For instance, if I've been teasing her, making her laugh and getting her to chase, than her opening up is usually really good.

But if you've had boring generic small talk for three minutes and she starts having a therapy session, than yeah, she's probably just unloading.

53 minutes ago, MM1988 said:

How could I not always immediately let it get this way?

Control the frame ahead of time. Don't give her the power to decide what kind of conversation it's going to be, you decide.

If you want it to be sexual, be sexual.

If you want it to be fun, be fun.

If you want it to be friendly and boring, be friendly and boring.

It's really just up to you.

[F A B]

@MM1988 

You overanalyze things. I used to do it too. Be careful, it could be misleading, you can't control everything.

Black and white thinking doesn't work. Don't be so mechanical, if she does this way, then I should do that way...

Allow yourself to make mistakes.

[LiakosN]

10 hours ago, aurum said:

But if you've had boring generic small talk for three minutes and she starts having a therapy session, than yeah, she's probably just unloading.

hahahahahah, I am that kind of a man that looks deeply into the eyes and just listens carefully to what a girl says. I remember I was once with a girl and she was talking about all her problems (we had a therapy session), and she fell in love with me. I literally did nothing. 

So, I guess it's very important to have a grounded stance: be present, don't judge, let the girl speak without interrupting her, breath normally and relax your body. For me, it works!

I'd also add to make eye gestures.

Generally, I am serious when I am in a date, but girls like me ( they have no option not to  )

Edited October 20, 2018 by LiakosN

[Privet]

 

Quote

Openness is the willingness to tell people your story.

Vulnerability is your willingness to let others be part of it.

From here.

[Ayilton]

20 hours ago, MM1988 said:

If a girl starts talking about whats bothering her and how she feels about life you are officially friendzoned right?

Often there is shallow talk phase when I meet someone at first, and after a while when we know eachother girls tend to open up to me. How could I not always immediately let it get this way? She wouldnt open up to someone she is attracted to right?

 

In the past I thought this means were getting closer but now I just roll my eyes when this shit starts, she just uses me to unload her emotions. 

It's not black and white  , but if it happens everytime you probably not saying what you want. Be direct and clear  ! 

[ajasatya]

20 hours ago, MM1988 said:

If a girl starts talking about whats bothering her and how she feels about life you are officially friendzoned right?

that's how i met my wonderful wife.

[Shin]

41 minutes ago, ajasatya said:

that's how i met my wonderful wife.

Me too ?

[Shadowraix]

On 10/20/2018 at 0:58 PM, ajasatya said:

that's how i met my wonderful wife.

Basically how I met my current girlfriend of over 1yr strong now.

[SgtPepper]

lol, no.

A girl can open up to someone who she is attracted to. She can also open up to her friends.

If a girl is opening up to you, it mean she's opening up to you. 

 

[mochafrap]

I think you may want to re-think how you view women (girls, if you are younger). Your post seems to imply a desire to use conversation with a girl as a means to the end of obtaining a relationship or whatever else you want out if it. The keyword there is you - notice that your post is about your desire, but there are two beings involved in the situation - and key idea is you fulfilling a desire. Perhaps try to remember that people don't exist just to be used for goals. You could look to have a genuine conversation with this other person who happens to be female and see if anything romantic pans out. That is the best way to ensure genuine connection and avoid manipulation of a person or situation, in my opinion and experience.

This:

Quote

On 10/19/2018 at 5:05 PM, aurum said:

Control the frame ahead of time. Don't give her the power to decide what kind of conversation it's going to be, you decide.

If you want it to be sexual, be sexual.

If you want it to be fun, be fun.

If you want it to be friendly and boring, be friendly and boring.

It's really just up to you.

goes directly against what I am saying and is bad news in the long run, imo. Again, people aren't tools to control in order to reach a goal. The girl you are talking to is as equally involved in the conversation as you are. Plus, manipulation for a desired outcome is dangerous... maybe it's okay in doses, as are most things, but it does imply the idea that you want control (which is egoic, btw) when in reality control should be shared across all invidivuals involved in a situation like this to make sure everyone has freedom to do what they want, basically. The only time control should be forced is when someone agrees to it... or maybe if you're in school and your lab partners need a little extra push to get them to do their work, haha.

I really think this is the best way to approach situations like relationships and learning it puts you in a good position for treating people as their own ends rather than as means to an end.

Edited October 22, 2018 by mochafrap
clarification

[aurum]

3 hours ago, mochafrap said:

I think you may want to re-think how you view women (girls, if you are younger). Your post seems to imply a desire to use conversation with a girl as a means to the end of obtaining a relationship or whatever else you want out if it. The keyword there is you - notice that your post is about your desire, but there are two beings involved in the situation - and key idea is you fulfilling a desire. Perhaps try to remember that people don't exist just to be used for goals. You could look to have a genuine conversation with this other person who happens to be female and see if anything romantic pans out. That is the best way to ensure genuine connection and avoid manipulation of a person or situation, in my opinion and experience.

This:

goes directly against what I am saying and is bad news in the long run, imo. Again, people aren't tools to control in order to reach a goal. The girl you are talking to is as equally involved in the conversation as you are. Plus, manipulation for a desired outcome is dangerous... maybe it's okay in doses, as are most things, but it does imply the idea that you want control (which is egoic, btw) when in reality control should be shared across all invidivuals involved in a situation like this to make sure everyone has freedom to do what they want, basically. The only time control should be forced is when someone agrees to it... or maybe if you're in school and your lab partners need a little extra push to get them to do their work, haha.

I really think this is the best way to approach situations like relationships and learning it puts you in a good position for treating people as their own ends rather than as means to an end.

I understand your concern. My goal in writing that was to help encourage MM1988 to be more deliberate in his intentions. To be proactive rather than reactive. And so that he can ultimately create Win/Win situations with girls, rather than Lose/Win.

You could say that he should just "have a genuine conversation", but from my perspective that's not helpful advice in this context. This user has had continual problems with girls for a long time, so to tell him to just be genuine isn't useful. He needs actual feedback on his behavior.

[mochafrap]

5 hours ago, aurum said:

I understand your concern. My goal in writing that was to help encourage MM1988 to be more deliberate in his intentions. To be proactive rather than reactive. And so that he can ultimately create Win/Win situations with girls, rather than Lose/Win.

You could say that he should just "have a genuine conversation", but from my perspective that's not helpful advice in this context. This user has had continual problems with girls for a long time, so to tell him to just be genuine isn't useful. He needs actual feedback on his behavior.

I see. Proactivity is definitely useful when applied meaningfully and with the other person in mind. This could help MM1988 decide upon and open with a topic for sure. Past that, though, things can get manipulative if the conversation starter forces too much direction - which is why I commented. Sometimes people are so set on what they want out of a conversation that they reduce the person/experience as a box to check off. Or they steam-roll over the other person's input. This has happened to me even by friends. There seems to be a difference between conversing with someone as the person that they are vs. trying to use conversation as a deceptive setup for getting some answer or desire out of someone. That's what I would be worried about!

Also, a note: It is not okay to "not give her the power" when it comes to sexual conversations especially. I'm going to assume I'm misunderstanding that statement, but if I am not, please consider how scary and uncomfortable that is.

Edited October 23, 2018 by mochafrap

[mochafrap]

MM1988, I see why you would think that a girl opening up emotionally is a death sentence, but it really may not be. My hands-down best friendship and relationship started with a guy letting me talk to him when I was going through a really rough spot in life. Don't be too down on yourself. I think people who are just genuinely themselves don't spend too much time doing the "I'll talk real talk to a friend but not to a crush" thing (both guys and girls).

My best advice is this: Go ahead and start conversations, decide what you would like to talk about and what tone you would like to open with, but remember that you are engaging with another person - not someone whose sole purpose is to be or not be your next partner. Respect them as a whole person, not just as something you want, if that makes sense! Be receptive and listening/engaged (versus focusing only on your own thoughts and reactions). Forge a friendship first if you really click with a person but it's not dating level yet - the worst that can happen is you have a friend. You may already do some of this, which is great. I really do think this is a healthy way to approach this situation.

If a girl is just constantly unloading on you, that's really not cool of her. It definitely isn't her being respectful of you as a person. You could distance yourself or express that you don't really like it, or ask her why she does it.

Good luck, I hope this helps!

Edited October 23, 2018 by mochafrap