From the perspective of a teen who doesn't understand

[Ampresus]

11-12-18
Hello everyone. I am currently reading  ''Emotion Code: How to Release Your Trapped Emotions for Abundant Health, Love and Happiness'' and I really am enjoying it.

I watched a video from Leo about loneliness because, well, you know, desperation. I must say that it was very good. I am trying a new meditation posture the last few days to avoid a sleeping foot. Sports and school are going well. I am close to deciding my study program. I still don't clearly know what to choose. 

Recently I have been watching many Leo's older video's. Ones about minimalism and that kind of stuff. Then I thought about my future again. Today I watched a video where the guy (not Leo, I am talking about another channel) said: ''You can ask yourself what it is you would do if you had a millions dollars''. Want to know what my answer is? ''I would buy a house somewhere in the woods, north Canada, in mother nature. I would buy books and enough tea to spend the rest of my life there.'' Literally it seems like heaven to me. I hate this busy world and eveyrthing that has to do with it. I saw a video about a guy who lived in the woods for 40 years and I must say I am jealous. 

That's all. Take care.

[Ampresus]

18-12-2018
Hello everyone. I know I know, long time no see. I am sorry for that. Let me update you with my life.

Meditation is going great, so is shamanic breathing. I have gotten many different insights, mostly beautiful. Really, beautiful. Damn I had moment where I actually felt love! Atleast, that is what I think. I am still doing 30 min each meditation session and stepped up my game with 45 each shamanic breathing session.

I learnt The Emotion Code and I should be able to release my trapped emotion (unworthiness apparently) next monday. I asked that to my subconcious mind and he answered with that.

Almost christmas break!!! Yeah I know, I sound like a kid. But I have so much to do!!! Like going to an Osho meditation centre, checking a new book store, starting with self-inquiry and getting a massage. All in 2 weeks. Of course I will rest, but I can't wait to do all these things.

I checked my body today at the gym and I am healthy once again. Lost some fat percentage, but also lost some muscle percentage. My instructor said that I shouldn't worry about that last one, so I won't.

Today I had some ''preparings lessons'' about next year. Basically, I have to choose a studyprogram for the following 3 years. I am thinking about economics and society, but also about something with science. So yeah, future is near I guess.

Oh as a last thing. I am starting to watch a lot of Leo's videos about different topics. Most are really interesting, atleast for me. I have already some in my YT playlist and one downloaded via ''Podcast'' (that is an app) on my phone.

Take care.

 

[Ampresus]

21-12-18
Hello everyone. Today was an awful day. I broke my record of NoFap (3 weeks without porn) because I didn't know what else to do. I got bored (christmas break just started) and I already woke up this morning thinking about 18+ stuff. I hope I can pull myself together and get through the rest of the break.

I know how I am not getting the mystical highs in meditation as I used to a week ago, but I am fine with it. Chasing highs is apparently an addiction, according to Leo's ''Subtle Addictions'' video. Yes that is right, I watched some videos of him. I know it sounds weird, but usually I never watch videos of him because they are so long. Now that I don't have anything else to do, I might aswell use my time wisely.

I will start with shamanic breathing within a few hours from now. I know how everytime the session ends, I have this craving to food. Any food really. I just need some other taste in my mouth. Last time I ate some yogurt and I think I will do it again today.

I realized that isn't a typical journal. Most people fill these journals in personal questions or lists of whatever. I am sorry if you thought this would be like Joseph Maynor's journal, or something relatively close to that. I like to just talk about my life and the struggles/satisfactions that I face. I am a teen after all.
(Oke to be fair I have no clue how these lists or personal questions would look like in a journal and that is the reason I don't have a journal like that)

Today I also went to another book store to just check it. Looking at books. I saw one from Eckhart Tolle and one from Ervin Lazslo (which I had to make sure of that he was mentioned at least once this forum, turns out he is Turquoise). I didn't buy any books, because I have already 2 others ready to be read.

That is all for now. Take care.

[Ampresus]

25-12-18
Hello everybody. I just started with self-inquiry after having watched Leo's video on Sunday. I must say, time is so much slower when you are doing this work. I realized that today actually. I could game or be on my phone and the time would go much faster than when I do self-inquiry. Time is even slower during self-inquiry than during meditation.

I recently got 2 insights relating to self-inquiry and meditation. One is what kind of difference there is between the subject and the object (the fact that I know what the difference is, not that I actually dismerged them) and the second was during meditation when I realized what was meant with ''look to your thoughts from a distance, don't try to associate with them''.

Since it is the holidays, I have been gaming a little bit more. Porn got back to me. I watched 2 video's from Paul Chek about masturbation and am planning to watch much more of him talking about pornography because I simply don't understand it. Masturbation = oke, but porn = not oke? When I tried to masturbate without porn, lets just say that without imagination I couldn't have done it. Now I don't know if that is what you are supposed to do (masturbation on your imagination). I read somewhere that healthy masturbation = masturbating without any imagination (so no thoughts or porn).

That is all. Take care.

 

[Ampresus]

03-01-19
It is 2000 and freaking 19 everybody and no one cares! Because life goes on, the world keeps spinning, the sun keeps burning and I keep having moments with porn. Yes that is right. Sorry that I haven't posted in a long time. I really just, well, distracted myself too much. I knew this could happen (because of the christmas break), but this time I was a bit more concious during all of it.

I am trying to quit porn and masturbate on my imagination or just some sounds on the internet. I really don't know what else I could do to release my sexual desires. Maybe I should buy ''Your Brain on Porn''....

As I said: Nothing has changed in 2019. Really, not much has changed. It might be a new beginning for some, but for me it is still the same. Something I actually did during New Year, unlike everyone outside celebrating 2019 with firework, was supporting our beloved earth in the last 6 hours! Because everyone with a little bit of interest in how the world works knows that the earth still needs some time to fully revolve around the sun. And I, as a volunteer, supported earth while everyone else was getting laid or whatever. Not like I had a chance of getting laid during New Year.

Both self-inquiry and meditation are going well. Currently I am reading ''The Power of Now'' and although I understand a lot of what Eckhart Tolle says, it is a hard read. I can only get through 10 pages per day. I am serious when I say that this is a hard read. Even though the book is very small.

Nothing much else to say. Take care.

[Ampresus]

13-01-2019
I think that apologizing once again for not posting too regularly is a waste of time.

I have grown very much the past couple of weeks. Meditation + concentration practice + self-inquiry really pays off. The amount of things I discovered is actually quite impressive. What I exactly discovered would be too much to cover here, but lets just say that I am on the right path regarding that.

I have ordered one of the Spiral Dynamics books and ''Your Brain on Porn'' for my porn addiction. After almost having completed part one of the Self-Deception series on Leo's channel, I realized how much porn is a self-deception. That is why right now I am not as addicted as I was begin this week. I was surprised how small the book actually is.
Side note: Reading through ''The Power of Now'' seems to be really hard for me. Never have I struggled this much with a book. And it is not because it is an actual bad book, I think it is because my ego senses that its death is near. It wants to keep me distracted.

Finally I have some kind of plan to work on. I mean like a goal I know I want to achieve. I won't spoil it here of course, but one of things I need (to achieve my goal) is learning how to program. My friend already knows a lot about that and is helping me with my project. Together I believe we can accomplish big things.

Personal related stuff: I have a new crush on a girl in my class. I asked about dating advice on this forum. I think what I need to do is being more authentic.

 

[Ampresus]

16-01-2019
A week full of tests is waiting for me. I just finished studying.

I have gotten many different insights from meditation and self-inquiry. Listening to Leo on ''Podcast'' (iOS) really helps me. Everytime I go to school, I turn on a downloaded audio file. I finally found a way to listen to Leo during the week! Although I will admit, because of school I haven't gotten much time to read. Or I am just too unmotivated.

This Buddhist heart sutra is good stuff.

I am currently listening to the self-deception series. After I have finished it I will listen to a podcast of Paul Chek.

Porn addiction seems to kick back. I really need to watch Leo's video about that...

In case you are wondering about my social life: It seems to be complete chaos. I have no clue what is going on and I am honestly fine with it. However, I do need to have experience with different types of girls (I mean being in a relationship with them).

[Ampresus]

22-01-2019
Hello everyone. Recently I have participated in a guided meditation where I opened my chakras. Now I am not saying that they all opened, I think I need more focus for that, but I am sure that at least a few have opened. During the proces, I felt so comfortable. I felt so whole. Haha, sorry if I don't sound rational enough. I really liked the meditation.

I have experienced non-duality during self-inquiry once before and today almost again. It is interesting how as soon as you realize, you are one. The realization alone is enough to make change. Maybe that could be how one's life changes. A simpler realization. Easy to attain, but the effect it has is incredible. Of course, as I have discovered earlier, thoughts also have big impact on our lives. Maybe a realization and a thought can be seen as equal. Or their powers are different.

I decided that I won't make this journey too personal. Insights and books only!

Take care.

[Ampresus]

30-01-19
I will be going to Austria with school in a few weeks. We will be doing all kinds of sports there. I am planning to do some alone stuff outside, if I am allowed. Maybe trying some Wim Hof techniques.

I have gotten many insights recently. During meditation most of the time. I also just recently watched the video about contemplation and am planning to start a habit of doing it everyday. I re-heard the ''How To Shop For Healthy Food'' because I am planning to change my diet. I say 're-heard' because I listened to the episode on Podcast, even though I have watched it on YouTube before.

I might visit that Osho meditation centre this Saturday. I had a chance to go last week, but I just couldn't. I got stuck with time and decided not to go.

I realized that the mind is some kind of energy flow. Going through our heads. All the time. We can't stop it, but observing here is the key. I only actualized this recently.

Take care.

[Ampresus]

04-02-19
Hello everybody. Last Saturday I went to an Osho meditation centre. To keep it simple: It was a fun and interesting experience. Here is the entirity of the story in case you are interested:

I have been feeling close to something mystical the last few days when I meditate or do self-inquiry. I don't know what it fully is, but I think I am ready to fully understand it. I also listened to a lot of Leo's video's again and want to try this thing with paradigms.

I have almost finished ''The Anatomy of Loneliness''. Unfortunately for school I need to read a book. I asked if one of the non-fiction books I read is OK, but she said that only fiction is allowed. I ended up very dissapointed, because who reads fiction? Sorry, it might just not be my cup of tea.

I am feeling very disconnected from the rest of the people around me for the last few days. I really have to start doing the practices which Teal Swan talks about in that book. Today in the last class, when my introvert friend asked me something, I just was gone. I felt pure loneliness. It was insane. I feel better now, but that felt... sad. I managed to fully feel it and become mindful. After that it dissapeared. I was close to just calling it all off and going home. I have never felt loneliness that openly.

[Ampresus]

19-02-19
Yes I know that I have been gone for a long time. Reason? I was in Austria on a school trip. I posted about it here:

I am planning to make my next post on this journal about ALL the things I identify with. This is a practice from Teal Swan's book called ''The Anatomy of Loneliness''.

Meditation, self-inquiry and even my concentration habit is failing. I am planning to post about it in the next few minutes. So more about that later.

Currently I am not able to read ''Your Brain on Porn'' because I need to read a book for school. I asked if I could  read a non-fiction book, but my teachers refused

[Ampresus]

10-03-19
Yes I know that I have been gone for too long. Here the list of all the things I identify with:

• My hair
• My classmates
• My friends
• My family
• My brother in particular
• My muscled body
• My good grades
• My awareness
• My meditation habit
• My self-inquiry habit
• My concentration habit
• Horniness
• My feet
• My house
• My room
• My books
• Heterosexuality
• Strength
• Intelligence
• Charisma
• My computer
• My hard drives
• My keyboard & mouse
• My bed
• My sentence-completion habit
• My phone
• My profiles
• The characters I play in games
• My thoughts
• My feelings
• Humor
• The idea of being young
• The idea of existing
• The idea of being alive
• My height
• My posts on fora
• My memories
• My emotions
• The country I live in
• The city I live in
• The street I live in
• How good I am in gaming
• How good I am in school
• How good I am with self-actualization
• How good I am with the things related to enlightenment
• My old friends
• My lost friends
• My documents
• My projects
• My money
• Forgiving
• Dreaming big
• Striving to achieve my dream
• My dream
• Space & time
• My dreams (sleeping)
• My opinions
• My statements
• My discoveries
• Not being special
• Being special
• Loneliness
• Narcissisim
• How I think about controversial topics
• Series on Netflix that I watch
• People I watch on YouTube
• The porn I watch
• The girls I like
• The people I look up to
• My fitness habit
• The idea that one should not care so much about money
• The idea of me being some kind of superpower in my own fantasy world
• My accounts on internet platforms
• My journal

[Ampresus]

24-05-19
It has been too long. A lot has happened.

ALMOST QUIT PORN. Just today I jerked off and noticed that after so many days, I haven't really gotten much sperm. Weird, I think? Might need to check that out. Of course, next time will be when I actually have intercourse. No porn. (Btw: I just noticed how after jerking off and hormons rise up and all that, I really get pumped up. Testosteron is making me go nuts.)

Now to the, rather, sad stuff. I have recently been having issues related to boredom and loneliness. 2 days ago I decided to ''break the cycle'' as I call it. ''The cycle'' is my daily routine basically. Wake up, go to school, be a robot in school making stupid exercises, coming home, studying, going to my computer, sleep and repeat. I went to the local park. Believe it or not, they have impala's there. I decided to sit my ass down and watch them for hours.

Now this is where weird stuff happened. I started feeling really tired. The animal I was watching looked me straight in the eye while eating grass. Things started colliding sometimes, then it would go back to normal. This continued for quite sometime. I would feel like collapsing. My inner me, don't know how to really call it, started breaking down. Exactly when it was breaking down, it built itself up really fast. Then I was back to normal.

This might be me daydreaming. Currently I am fasting for Ramadan. I was really down at that point. I will be in the future, but now I want answers for whatever happened there. That is why I will visit those same impala's more in the future.

[Ampresus]

28-05-19
Greetings everyone. If there is someone reading this... I hope you enjoy your day mate!

Not much progress. Although I am progressing in reading my book! Says something right? I don't know.

Tomorrow I hope that I will have the guts to approach this girl. Just asking her group of friends something like Leo suggested me to. Something gossipy he said. I will try to care as less as possible about the outcome.

I am surprised that I wasn't lying about the whole ''quitting porn'' thing. It is so easy now to not watch porn. I am 5 days after my last... you know what... and I am feeling great.

Haven't felt the sad feelings in quite some time. I wonder where I have buried them.

[Ampresus]

30-05-19
Hello everyone. I have good news and bad news.

Bad news: Today in the night I just couldn't and jerked off to porn. It happened fast, didn't even really watch a video.
Good news: I am trying to build up experience by hitting on atleast 1 girl per day. Yesterday I hit on one girl, today on 3.

Went to the park again. Almost, again, everything collided. I swear I am close to a deep awakening or something like that. Stress + sexual urge + tiredness = tired me walking around and being fascinated by cows.

[Ampresus]

03-06-19
Great news everyone! Ramadan ends today! Today is my last fasting day!

I have decided to focus on dropping beliefs. My approach on self-actualization has been too much from everything and then ending on nothing. I listened to Leo's video about beliefs and it really got to me. I won't be reaching out to much new knowledge, I wanna focus on beliefs.

I have meditated for a few minutes today. I noticed how my legs started hurting even though I was sitting on my bed. I tried different positions, but it just didn't feel good. That is why I will be making a post about other types of meditation soon.

Still hitting on girls, no succes.

[Ampresus]

07-06-19
Hello everyone. Not gonna lie, not much happened in these past few days.

I asked, the same girl I asked a long time ago, out. After ignoring me for 1 day, I messaged her again and she finally responded.

Haven't really been practicing asking girls out in public, mostly because I don't had the time. Now that the holidays are approaching, I will be going out again.
 

[Ampresus]

14-06-19
I am not making any progress.

Just jerked off to porn, bought 2C-B today from your typical street dealer. Yesterday I sat on my balcony during the night for a whole 30 minutes. I am planning to do more of that. I emailed a local drugs advisor about the 2C-B, whether I should jerk off before using it to decrease the extra libido and how I am supposed to test a drug when I am a minor.

[Ampresus]

18-06-19
Everything is going better.

Told my crush I liked her, she said she would think about it. First date is this Saturday. My actual first date.

Meditating 10 minutes a day, educating myself on psychedelics. This man named Terrence Mckkenna happens to be a veteran on psychedelics. Leo placed him in both Green and Turquoise. I have long sits on my balcony staring the sky. Don't know what I am really doing.

School is almost over.

Oh and I am making progress on Team of Rivals.

Currently trying streaming and uploading on YouTube again.

[Ampresus]

21-06-19
The day of huge changes.

Tomorrow I will have my first date ever. More of that in the appropiate sub-forum on this website.

School is about to end! A party is coming and I will be practicing my skills on hitting on girls.

I am planning to focus on the basics of self-help. Meaning watching the old videos of Leo, finding my LP course and practice hitting on girls. I am done being confused with where I am on some sort of Spiral or what Nothingness and God have in common. Basics first.