From the perspective of a teen who doesn't understand

[Ampresus]

Alright let's start very easily with this. This journal will be about my life, in many different fields. I will talk about everything that is in my mind and won't leave. I will talk about people who inspire me, or just their quotes. I will talk about my way in becoming a succesful man. I hope this journal will make ''planning for my future'' easier. Since I joined this forum, I noticed that a lot of mature people struggle with things I couldn't come up with myself. 

You guys have low self-esteem? There are actually people who are in depth with spirituality? There are people who share actual knowledge without misleading me? You mature people keep suprising me, but without further ado let me start with a generalization of my life.

My Life
Oh wauw what a suprise. The journal is about my life. I am a 14 year old boy who is new to self-actualization. Before all of this, I used to game a lot. I did a lot of unneccesary things in general which I only later discovered. I despised books, didn't understand why someone would read those if all the information in the world is already on the internet. 

Gaming got replaced with books after this forum happened to me. Gaming already got boring, I only did it because I was bored. Which doesn't make sense now I think about it. I got introduced to actualized.org with deep spiritual video's, so I needed to take a step back and watch some of his older video's. After laughing for 10 mins about Leo looking like a balloon in his enlightenment stream, I finally understood how his channel became from ''all about succes in life'' to ''non-duality, spirituality etc.''. I don't know what the first word means, but that is fine for now.

I used to be a Muslim. I prayed 5 times a day and kept myself from doing sins (not always I admit). Since watching Leo's vids, I basically dropped all those beliefs. Now I meditate instead of pray, read self-help books instead of gaming/Quran and focus on myself and my values (oh btw the Quran is so difficult to read jesus christ). I don't let myself get lead by a force I can't question. My mother and father are still heavily Blue same with my sister, but there is another person which I would like you to meet: My brother.

He has classic autism. He doesn't understand a single thing about Islam, or the world. He needs to laugh if we force him to do prayers with us. Don't worry, he gets taken care very good. My parents really love him and so do I. Looking at him, I always wondered what it would be like to live without forces. Without how anyone tells you how to be. He doesn't follow up rules from a book. If he wants to, he can rage or smile. Be angry or extremely sensitive. He still inspires me and I am planning for making him my teacher for spirituality. After posting a topic about him, someone suggested I should try to look the world from his perspective. That's what I have recently been doing and I must say, it is pretty funny. 

I am about to start reading ''Mastery'' by George Leonards. As I said, I am new. I only have read 2 books about self-help, where in the second book many words were difficult. How can someone use words like self-assertiveness, integrity and self-acceptance? Who even made all those words up? I still don't understand some important knowledge, but I guess that's fine. I wonder how difficult ''Mastery'' is.

As a last note, the story about Rasputin is in my head. Mostly because of the song. I wonder if gaining power with manipulative love is actually possible. 

 

[Sven]

What I would want to advice you is on something it seems you are already doing in a sense. That is, knowing what you don't know.

Not-knowing is actually a much more open space or perspective to think from! It is relatively close to that which you started your journey for.

Non-duality is something you say you don't know. This is great to hear, because before you start trying to figure out what it is I can still warn you. Because you will not be able to understand it with your mind/intellect/brain or the like! It has to be experienced.

The same goes for many (if not all) matters of spirituality.

This is why independant (google what it means precisely) research is important. This is to prevent you from walking into traps.

But you seem bright my friend, I wish you the best on all this and remember to indeed laugh and look at the world from the kind of perspective your brother has. Beautiful story of yours, thanks for sharing

[Ampresus]

@Sven Thanks for the advice. I will focus on experiencing rather than understanding with mind/intellect/brain. The last one already seemed to difficult, guess I don't have an option now.

Also I would like to thank you for the compliments. I am glad someone actually read my first post of my journal. I guess I am bright  

[Ampresus]

Hello there. Today I lent my first book from the library. After looking through all the spiritual, self-help, yoga, self-realization, mindfulness, philosophy, psychology and meditation books I found a book named 'The Element' by Ken Robinson. I will starts reading in a few hours, before that I might meditate first. I don't know for sure yet.

I went to the gym today. Regular cardio. The typical buffed guy is leaving the gym for a different one. I must say he is one of the few friends I made there. Not that I saw him that much, but surely a good friend. There were also some girls which a friend talked about with me. Those girls were supposedly hot. I have seen better.

Today I am going to change my diet. I made another post which you can look up if you are interested. I asked for recommendations for change of my diet and got a few responses. I'll buy herbal tea, whole grain bread and eat a lot of salad etc. 

After posting about what kind of spiritual technics teens could do, someone suggested that I should develop interests. That's what I am trying to work on. For me it's gonna be 'hacking'. I always was interested in the topic and what kind of depth there is. Since the guidelines of this forum talks about how hacking is not accepted here, I won't talk about it too much. 

Right now I have an autumn break. A week of freedom. In 2 weeks on Wednesday I will recieve 'Iron John' by Robert bly and 'No More Mr Nice Guy' by Robert Glover. I ordered both books on last Sunday with a little of anger coming from my dad. He asked why I would read books for the hobby. I already know that he just doesn't want to spend his money, but that reaction made me laugh. 

For a last note, after the autumn break I will try to get closer to a higher grade girl. She is kind of my crush. I think I know her from back in the day and I will try to talk to her about that. My friend in another higher grade suggested I should stalk my crush on the internet. So far no results in stalking (I don't even know the girl's name).

[Mu_]

You sound like a great kid.  Wish you the best on your journeys.

[Ampresus]

@Mu_ Thanks dude  

26-10-18
Today was an awful day. I think I am starting to get addicted to porn again. I need to find a way to reduce my personal needs to once per week. Even my favourite pornstar seems to have returned after 3 years. This is not good.

Both ''Iron John'' and ''No More Mr. Nice Guy'' have arrived earlier than expected. I have started reading ''Iron John'' and although it is a very good book I can't find any energy to read it for too long. I don't know why but I feel so tired all day. Since my toe injury on Wednesday both my parents wanted me to take a break from fitness. It is Friday now and even though I feel ready to go again, I didn't go. First because of the entire ''tired'' situation and second the fact that I am scared to somehow interrupt the healing process of my toe. The last one was a reason brought up by my dad after he brought me back to home from the doctor. 

School is close and believe it or not I am kinda happy. I wasted free time in gaming instead of reading which makes me feel guilty. I can't find energy to watch any of Leo's video's too. I tried watching ''How To Be A Strategic Motherfucker - The 7 Pillars Of Strategic Thinking'' during my gaming session but I can't recall what he has said after 40 minutes of listening. I am sorry Leo, but I tend to feel really tired when I am watching you. Btw this entire situation has also made me think about a theory. I think that because kids are raised up with all these action movies, video games and all that kind of stuff, things like meditation and book reading seems/becomes so boring for them. The only argument against that is that children are already full of energy, with or without action movies, when they are born.

Today I will once again do shamanic breathing. Maybe today will be different. Last time I did shamanic breathing I couldn't feel my fingers and fell asleep for 10 min. 

For last I wanted to talk about my ex. I think she is trying to seduce me. For months now she sends kinky stuff to me on Snapchat. I don't want her back, so I am not gonna accuse her of anything. I just hope that she sends the same snaps to all of her friends, in that way it will be proven that she isn't trying to get me back. 
 

[Ampresus]

31-10-18
Hello everyone. Today I am not very motivated. Same as yesterday, I feel lost. I don't know what to do. I am eating healthy, going to the gym 3 times a week, have keeping my grades up and everything is supposed oke. I meditate, read my book everyday and still. I don't know what I am doing. I feel lost. See this post for more info: 

I think I am seeing spirituality as a distraction from my loneliness. For a long time I avoided confronting my real emotions, but I guess it was loneliness all along. 

As I said everything else goes well. Today though I got mad with my dad. Reflecting on the situation: I think I am wrong. I am gonna apologize to him. This will be the first time I ever apologized to him by myself. I guess ''Iron John'' is a good book.

Literally the cutest girl and her gf in my class invited me to go with them all the way to their tram stop. I always travel with the tram. As I said, I am feeling lost, lonely. When they walked further into the tram I just stood still. I didn't know what to do. I felt ashamed and decided not to follow them. They looked back from a distance with confusion, but I ignored. 

School + sports results in no contact with my mom during the day. I dislike most of the students in my school, so you can understand how I am going through my day. I somehow feel comfortable not talking with my family. Besides with my brother. I wish I could be with him 24/7.

Last note: I think I am falling in love with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Not literally, but the seeing him as a role-model to follow up on in my sport career. That is one positive thing  

[Ampresus]

04-11-2018
Hello everyone. Not much to say about today. Right now I am at my dad's house. I have finished ''Iron John'' and have already started with ''No More Mr. Nice Guy''. After a small fall back in my old routines I managed to pick up myself and do what I want to do. Read my books, meditate etc. Shamanic breathing on Friday went well, I did better than all the other times. This was my 3rd time doing shamanic breathing. Soon I want to focus on self-inquiry (whatever that means), read the Spiral Dynamics book and read mindfulness books. 

Sports and school are going well. Next week I have a lot of tests and a pitch about a book. The book plays in the historical events of Iraq, mainly Saddam's regime and the fall of his regime. It's about a girl, 15 years old, who wants to be an architect. Personally I hate romans, but even this book wasn't a good roman. It tried to, but failed. 

Meditating is going better and better. I try to be concious of myself whenever I feel itching/pain which keeps me out of my mind. It helps pretty well. I can finally be concious in the last minutes of my meditation session as well. Usually I would focus on the pain and my thoughts at the end, but now I can be concious! I think small, little improvements are rising up.

About my previous post, I still feel a little bit down of the loneliness. Someone said that I should accept that it is fake. That loneliness isn't real. I just have no clue how. If anyone can help me with that, feel free to send me a private message or reply here  .

I got in contact with my best gamer friend after 3 months. We both met in a different gaming community, but switched from games. We are the only two from that old community who play the new game together. I don't know what happened to the rest. However I am facing a dilemma. I wanted to quit gaming, but whenever she is online and asks me to play with her I really want to. I often don't play in my private time, only with her. If I want to get deeper in self-help, do I need to stop having contact with her and leave the gaming world? If it is adviced I will do it. 

I am starting to eat really healthy. I want to keep it going for the rest of my life. I still need to find that feeling to enjoy eating some fruits and vegetables. I will admit, some fruits I find pretty disgusting. I only eat them because they are healthy. Same with nuts etc. 

Take care.
 

[Ampresus]

07-11-18
Hello there again. Not much happened today, besides that I am scoring!!! Literally my first crush of this year has recently decided to app me randomly. Now we can have talks of half an hour! Even my best friend noticed that there is something going on between us. I will stick to the plan though: The only reason I date girls is to see what kinds of them are out there. So I will be prepared later in my life. If she asks me out I will say yes, but won't focus my entire life around our relationship. I will keep it smooth.

Regular gym exercises, school and diet change have made me tired. My fitness instructor told me how I should eat more food with protein, so that is what I will start to do. For now on I bring some kind of fruit to school besides my bread. Everything goes fine actually. Next 2 books I will buy are the one from Spiral Dynamics and ''The Anatomy of Loneliness'' since I really struggle with it. I also want to start learning about self-inquiry, more on that in the weekend. I actually look forward to my next shamanic breathing session as well.

My next big plans are going to a massage parlor and to a nutritionist. Just my basic needs I guess. My neck and back hurt for such a long time, I think it's time to change that.

I am sorry that this one is short. I have to learn for Biology. Take care everyone. 

[How to be wise]

@Ampresus Personal Development is easy:

1. Find a problem you are facing currently in your life.

2. Do research on how to solve it (Leo’s booklist).

3. Use the book and its exercises to solve it.

[Ampresus]

@How to be wise Thanks for the advice. I will buy his booklist this weekend.

09-11-18
Today was an exhausting day. I am typing this while having done my shamanic breathing session.I feel tired, but will start meditating in a few minutes. I had many tests for school this week and my instructor told me I should eat more food with protein. So that's what I am going to focus on this week and next week. I still want to go to a massage salon, but haven't found the time. Same with the nutrionist.

When I first started my journey here, I thought I had to learn everything as fast as possible. Recently I have been taking time to absorb information and I guess it works. ''No More Mr. Nice Guy'' is almost finished, 20 pages left. In the end Glover talks about sex, which picked my interest. I posted about the things I should definitely know about sex. You can find the post here: 

About the girl in my class... I think she is definitely attracted to me. I mean she always finds ways to touch me, I think I noticed her melting in my eyes or it was just the opposite. There is another girl in my class which is part of the experiment. When I am social, funny and active they both seem to be interested. And when one hasn't come to school for lets say 1 day, first person they look for is me. I have to admit with the first one I am far more close than the second one. 

I want to learn more about charisma. I will buy Leo's booklist this weekend and beg to god that he has atleast reviewed one book about charisma. Followed up by that I will buy one charisma book, The Anatomy of Loneliness and Spiral Dynamics. These will be the last books I will buy before I will start only lending books from the library. Last time I went to the library in the inner city I was just amazed. There were so many books. I couldn't choose. I still need to read ''No More Mr. Nice Guy'' so I didn't lend any books. I will lend books from the library, definitely, after those last 3 books. 

That's all for now. Take care.

 

[Ampresus]

13-11-18
Hello everyone. Everything is going great. I received ''Our Inner Ape'' and ''Chimpanzee Politics'' (both written by Frans de Waal) yesterday. My meditation sessions are going well. School and sports are going well. I am eating more eggs (which means more protein). Yesterday I did have a thing with my mom.

Yesterday was the third day in a row where we got a friend of my mom coming over. I hate this. I hate random people who are friends with my sister/mom coming over and ruining my day. Their presence = awkward situations when we are in the same room/me needing to behave different to come over as polite.

You see, I was done with that yesterday. I made my mom clear that this time the living room was mine and that they had to chit-chat in the kitchen. I wanted my free time while I still had it, before I needed to go to sports. Just when I want to close the door, because my mom's friend is louder than the babies next door, my mom makes the stupid mistake of telling about me to her friend with all the joy on her face. I didn't see the friend first because she was in the kitchen. So my mom did have the choice to just shut up and ignore me. Instead she needs to introduce me to her and say ''Oh hey my son is shy''. This made me rage and I closed the door harder than the babies next door. My mom's friend thought it was a smart idea to come and say hi and now I am considering to move out.

It's just that I don't like my mom's rules. She can bring over whatever she wants, sometimes an accountant for my brother (he has autism), sometimes a friend, sometimes my sister brings over a friend. All I want is to enjoy my free time. Instead these random people come inside and ruin it with their presence. When I am 18 I am instantly leaving and visitation will be forbidden for the first week. No stupid family allowed. They can wait outside until they decide to go home. Maybe those babiess next door can come. Damn I have had meditation sessions where I would listen to their crying for 10 min. Not certainly frustrating I will admit.  

My mom is muslim and certainly won't allow me to bring a girl over. Not that right now I have any to bring over, but her rules will certainly not be implied when I am living alone. I literally can't wait. My mom and sister are stressing me out. They always are super loud, always whine about the small mistakes my father makes (my parents are divorced) even though most of the problems are caused by my stupid sister who doesn't know how to socialize with her father. I understand that my father is not the most conscious being on the planet, but all my mom and sister do is whine and insult him behind his back. I have backed away from this behavior a long time ago. Since I started reading about masculinity and femininity I will not be mommy's boy who does everything mommy says. My mom's perspective is clearly wrong and she has made terrific accusations about my father. Not that my father is much better, but my mom certainly isn't on ''the good side'' of the story.

I am 14 years old. When I am 18 years old I am heading out. Goodbye trash mother and garbage sister. My dad will probably still be paying my studies and I will keep contact with him and my brother. Mom and sister won't be allowed in my house. Dad also not, I like to keep my privacy private. Friends certainly are. Girls especially, but I don't see myself inviting girls over to my house. Why would a girl accept that invitation. Brother is also allowed. Maybe babies too.

That's it for now. Take care.

[Ampresus]

17-11-18
I know, this has taken way to long. Let me explain:
1. School and sports, generally took most of my day's time
2. Thursday I had some kind of date, but later on she invited her girlfriend to come with us. In that way it was a bummer, but I kind of introduced both to the stuff I am currently reading (a.k.a self help)
3. On 16-11-18 after sports I had to go to a party. It was a regular school party. Some of my classmates showed up, we were with I think 10 people.

About the last one, every Friday I do a shamanic breathing session. It was too hot inside, so I did it outside. What I didn't know is that everyone would worry about me, even though I was feeling high on air. The party host, good friend of mine, invited me to walk with him outside to calm down. It just was way too cold. I stepped inside and literally everyone put blankets on me. The girl from Thursday gave her scarf to me. After the 30 min timer I got back to my normal breath. I felt well, but the others were worried. They thought I was drunk or high.

On that same day before leaving my mother asked me what was wrong with me. I don't think she understand the hate I sometimes feel for her. Whenever something doesn't go her way she threatens me or my sister to move in with our dad. Always. It is like she doesn't want us and the second we misbehave we are gone. People can say a lot of things about my dad, but he has never done that. I didn't tell my mom what is wrong, because I want to tell it too youth services first. I don't feel safe in my dad's or mom's house. 

[Ampresus]

21-11-18
Hello everyone. Not much to say really. I had an operation at the hospital to my toe on Monday. I skipped school on Monday and Tuesday which resulted in me needing to catch up with the physics test. The girl I have an eye on and one of her friends messaged me during the day to ask me where I was. Which needs they are concerned about me, which means I make more chance. She thinks about me after and during school. Tomorrow I will be going to the mall in our city with her. Again. This time to buy a scarf apparently. 

Because of the toe operation I couldn't go to sports on Monday and today. Believe it or not I hate that. I really want to go. I feel lazy during the days I am not going and don't have the energy to practice. I guess I am attached to sports now. 

[Ampresus]

21-11-18
Hello everyone. Not much to say really. I had an operation at the hospital to my toe on Monday. I skipped school on Monday and Tuesday which resulted in me needing to catch up with the physics test. The girl I have an eye on and one of her friends messaged me during the day to ask me where I was. Which needs they are concerned about me, which means I make more chance. She thinks about me after and during school. Tomorrow I will be going to the mall in our city with her. Again. This time to buy a scarf apparently. 

Because of the toe operation I couldn't go to sports on Monday and today. Believe it or not I hate that. I really want to go. I feel lazy during the days I am not going and don't have the energy to practice. I guess I am attached to sports now. 

[Ampresus]

21-11-18
OK sorry for what happened there. I accidentally triple-clicked the enter button. 

Right now I want to focus on charisma and life-purpose. Not everyone has money and so I can't just buy the life-purpose course. Technically I can, but making such a big investment in video content will not make my mom accepting this. I don't want to explain everything about actualized.org to her, I want this all to stay secret from her. I will try to put 300 euros to my PayPal account and from there pay the life-purpose course. A Black Friday sale is wanted Leo!!!

Any book recommendations about life-purpose and charisma will be highly wanted.

[Ampresus]

21-11-18
OK sorry for what happened there. I accidentally triple-clicked the enter button. 

Right now I want to focus on charisma and life-purpose. Not everyone has money and so I can't just buy the life-purpose course. Technically I can, but making such a big investment in video content will not make my mom accepting this. I don't want to explain everything about actualized.org to her, I want this all to stay secret from her. I will try to put 300 euros to my PayPal account and from there pay the life-purpose course. A Black Friday sale is wanted Leo!!!

Any book recommendations about life-purpose and charisma will be highly wanted.

[Ampresus]

27-11-18
I know the previous post got reposted 2 times extra. I am sorry for that.

Everything is going fine. Actually, I think I am doing great. I finished ''Our Inner Ape'' today, which took way too long. The book has 230 pages and I did 3-4 weeks to finish it. I guess I didn't have much free time. On Black Friday I ordered ''The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment'', ''Emotion Code: How to Release Your Trapped Emotions for Abundant Health, Love and Happiness'' and ''Ego is the Enemy: The Fight to Master Our Greatest Opponent''. 

I ordered the first book because of the sale, it is in my booklist and I think I am getting close to something (more info down below).
I ordered the second book because of the sale and the title. I think I need some release of trapped emotions.
I ordered the third book because Leo always talks about ego death. Maybe a book will help me understand it better.

The girl I have an eye on turns out to have dated 2 friends of mine. 1 I already knew about, but the other one I wasn't quite sure about. Now she just became less attractive. Her friend asked me yesterday on WhatsApp if I liked the girl (who just became less attractive). I responded with ''I won't answer that question''. 

I think I am on to something special. Whenever I do shamanic breathing sessions or meditate, I can somehow almost leave my body. I have no clue what it possibly could mean, but it means something for sure. It feels very special, weird and calm. Sometimes scary. 

[Ampresus]

02-12-2018
Hello everyone. Today I finished ''Our Inner Ape'' by Frans de Waal and am about to start with ''The Suble Art of Not Giving a F*ck'' by Mark Manson. School gave me some stress, but I guess that is part of life. Sports are going well. Today is the birthday of the friend of my crush, who has a crush on me actually. She has a twin brother and both got a special post on Instagram from my crush. After being jealous for 2 min, I realized how pointless it was. I guess I am growing my friends.

Currently listening to Blue/Orange music because it sounds good. I barely have listened to music the last few weeks. 

My crush turns out to be an ex-hippie and might just be above me on the Spiral. Even though she probably doesn't know about the Spiral. I asked her about some contacts she has with hippies, she asked why I needed them, I said ''for some problems ;)'' (in a WhatsApp group with friends). Next day we went to the cinema with those same friends and after the movie went somewhere to eat. After keeping her mouth shut for a few minutes she randomly asked about this again. I noticed how many times she does this when something is bothering her. It means that the night before she has atleast thought about my question for a few mins. Why else would it randomly come out of her mouth?

After we got home, I sent her a message about why I asked that question. She gave me some basic information about hippies. They basically are masters in self-acceptance, although my crush didn't exactly say that. I don't think she knows that word at all. She used to meditate when she was a hippie herself. 

Those 3 books still haven't arrived and I am already considering to buy ''The Anatomy of Loneliness'' by Teal Swan. If you didn't know yet, I discovered that I struggle with loneliness. During all this time I learnt how people are too stuck in their minds, which causes things like suffering. Being mindful helped me get over some loneliness, but I really want to know what Teal Swan has to say about it. 

That is all for now. Take care.

[Ampresus]

06-12-18
Hello everyone. I would like to start with this: I need to stop watching porn asap. The addiction is getting worse. I received ''The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment'', ''Emotion Code: How to Release Your Trapped Emotions for Abundant Health, Love and Happiness'' and ''Ego is the Enemy: The Fight to Master Our Greatest Opponent'' and have already ''The Anatomy of Loneliness'' in my booklist ready to be bought. But I need ''Your Brain on Porn'' probably more. I tried many times to quit, but it seems impossible after a few days.

Currently I am reading ''The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck'' and I must say that it is a very good book. I really am enjoying it so far.

Yesterday, something I see as an betrayal, happened to me on WhatsApp. I won't explain it all here, but here is the link to my post about it: 

Meditating has been going better and better. I am trying a new position so my foot won't be sleeping so much. I can literally be mindful for long periods of time. I can become lost in how reality is so special. It is actually incredible. And guess what? I have only been doing this for 2-3 months! I thought that results would come after a year or so. Maybe I am special, or we all are special  

Nothing else to say really. Take care everyone.