Self-awareness Masturbation Challenge

[NoOne]

So last night my body was exhausted.  I haven't been sleeping much lately as my ego has been busy trying to process this new experience of BEing.  Not because my ego needs to understand it, but because other people in my life don't understand it and I wish to make my best effort to explain it.  My ego prides itself on its ability to leverage words and language to express meaning.  Even though I realize that meaning is a trick of the mind, it is all that those around me who are not self-aware can grasp.  I take great joy in letting my ego try to work out new ways for people around me to experience BEing, no matter where they are in their rational mind.  I believe that is part of my purpose--what BEing is to me--is learning to connect with others who are less self-aware, even as I continue to become more self-aware myself, and ultimately, I believe, to the experience of non-being.

So anyway, last night I was lying in bed and my body was exhausted but my ego would not shut up.  I recalled that many times a release of sexual tension seems good for producing a state of contentment and sleepiness in the body.  I have not really been sexually active or had many sexual thoughts lately and it occurred to me that perhaps my body needed that.  But to live in the moment precludes sexual fantasy involving others.  Sexual fantasies are all about what was or what you hope will be.  They are illusions that will keep us in a state of longing rather than a state of BEing.

So, here is my challenge to you and what I experienced last night:  The next time you feel a need for sexual release, masturbate, but do it mindfully and try to do it without imagining a sexual partner (other than yourself).  Try to experience masturbation not just as a recipient of pleasure, but as a giver of pleasure.  Perhaps it helps that I have had some same-sex sexual experiences in my life, but to give you an idea, for me, my ego saw it like this:  "I am touching this penis, and it feels warm and rigid in my hand.  The person whose penis this is is experiencing pleasure which I am producing with my hand, and this is a beautiful comfort to them.  I am skillful at applying these touches to this penis.  I want to give this body a blissful experience and I know just how to do it."  I essentially masturbated as if I was giving someone else a handjob as if I was laying behind myself reaching around another being to give that body pleasure.  I allowed myself to experience as much of the perspective of GIVING pleasure as I did of receiving it; and then I wondered if I could experience more of the perspective of giving pleasure and less of the perspective of receiving pleasure.  I found this to be a really fun (for other than the obvious reasons) exercise to expand my understanding of self/no-self.  Am I the giver of pleasure or the receiver?  Can I actually experience both at the same time?  It seems incredibly challenging to experience an orgasm and for that to not blind us to the perspective of the one giving the pleasure.  I imagine, if I was fully enlightened, perhaps I could give myself an orgasm and choose to ONLY experience the sensations of giving pleasure and not that of receiving.  Or maybe the truth is that there is no separation between giver and receiver since neither exist.  Maybe I am not ready or not capable of grokking (and I just realized what a beautiful word that is that Robert Heinlein gave us) that perceived separation.  All I can say is that it was an incredible and thought-provoking exercise, and it was probably one of the most intense and emotional orgasms I've ever experienced and I thought it was something worth sharing with others.

A kind of simpler, less intense version of this is to unconsciously clasp your hands together.  Do it now.

Now, which hand is grasping which?  Can your ego decipher?  There is no answer.  There is only the reality of your clasped hands.