Struggle to get friends

[Marinus]

So I feel lonely and I don't have friends in Belgium where I study, besides a girlfriend, my friends live in the Netherlands where I'm from. The thing is that I don't want to invest in people that I don't want to be friends with, which is almost everyone I meet. Friendship is something special to me and in my opinion this is something you work towards together. Many people seems to have shallow friendships. I'm more interested in the deep stuff like the topics of actualized.org. Unfortunately not so many people I meet know stuff like this or are interested enough to learn it.

Besides this I'm very introverted which I don't have problem with, but this makes it hard socialize and go out to meet people. Everyone has strengths, but socializing isn't one of mine, except when discussing deep topics or one on one conversations. I also don't like chatting and wasting time with social media. When I talk with people they usually are surprised by my authenticity, openness and of course the understanding of my self (please don't say the self isn't real, I'm not advanced enough to grasp this yet). 

So impressing people is fun, but I don't have many points to relate to another, many like drinking, going out, tv, games, social media and small talk (at least the students I meet). I think I'm at stage green with some shades of orange and yellow. I only have one friend that is at a similar level, consciously who gives me energy when I talk and listen to him. 

The biggest road blocks to get friends are:

• Not wanting to waste time on people that I don't have common ground with which is most of the people I meet;
• Being very solitary, doing solitary stuff;
• Introverted; 
• Serieus about friendship;
• Struggle to keep in to touch with friends;
• very focused on my own growth and introspection.

I want to know how you guys make friends that are worth it, or please give me some feedback on how I perceive friendship as far as you understand the picture that I see. Thank you in advance!

[NoSelfSelf]

The bottom line is if you are not interested in others they wont be interested in you or you have to be charismatic or in right circumstances where people come to you so you can see if they are for you...

Edited October 13, 2018 by NoSelfSelf

[Marinus]

@NoSelfSelf Yes, honestly I'm not interested in most people, which makes me picky. Do you recommend  some circumstances? I also I think can make insecure people feel inferior thanks to my attitude which is rather difficult to avoid. For example when doing group work I tend to be the (task oriented leader partly because of the vibe I create.

[NoSelfSelf]

@Marinus If you say you know yourself very well then you know which people you like because likes attracts likes so you should be doing things you like then you watch in the room intuitevly who is the best match surround yourself with them...it doesnt matter what you do if its authentic that way you weed out people you dont need...good exercise would be to put on a paper 2 colloms and imagine your best qualities and worst you want in a friend then you will have alot things and put the top 10 best and worst qualities it will help you to focus on people you looking for be specific its like you are looking for your gf or it was pure luck in way you find her

[supremeyingyang]

My friend, you seem to make yourself a lot of pressure, which is normal. Most people DON'T get to know new people, because they stay with the old friends. This is a real skill to develop.

This was a big problem for me. I was into reading books about all kind of things - starting with 1000+ pages fantasy novels. I don't know anything about your school, but back then was 'Harry Potter', 'Star Wars' and 'Lord of the Ring' very unpopular. Everyone even the teachers thought reading and fantasy especially was crazy. To them I was crazy.
Every time I was bored, which was constantly, I grabbed a book. I read in school between classes. In class I read all books no matter what subject it was because I was so bored. I read at the family party. I read on the run. It was my kind of self-defense. I had always friends, but I was the silent freak in public.

I talked to a therapist years later and he, a well read, direct and very intelligent person, told me that I should be ready for a life like that. No one to talk to about what you really care about.  With the growing Internet culture it's way better, but in general you may don't have people to talk to in your life. But he gave me some cheat codes, which I want to share with you.

1. That I should listen to podcasts, to substitute worthy conversation.
2. That I generally should bond with people in events (hiking, in class, help someone move to an other flat, protest, make money, do sports).
3. Go find a club.
4. Now the biggest: Talk about stupid shit. That's right. For example your GF takes you to her new friends house. You go like: "Wow, you more like the artist type. I really like that furniture. There is it from?" or you say obvious stuff like "We need an other chair" or "We are 4 people, so we should get comfy in the car". Verbalizes some thoughts..
5. Don't take everyday conversation serious. If someone asks what was your day like, you DON'T tell him about you reading on this topic. Rant about that your internet connection is too slow or something, show a little bit of emotion.
6. There is a time for anything. Don't be too smart on a party where everyone makes consciously stupid jokes.

The reality seems to be that most people want just to goof off, nothing inherently wrong about it, but this is not my way. So it COULD be that one part of your alienation is that you are just not like other people (too intelligent, too introverted, to much social anxiety, whatever), but If you acknowledge that.. you do better because you have different demands on you. Less Pressure.
Generally is socializing a strange thing. You loose money, time and nerves. But you need it from time to time and it gives you some of the most precious moments in life. Laughing. Meet a really interesting person who is a friend friends brother. Different world views. After all very rewarding I have to say.

[bejapuskas]

@supremeyingyang  You can be introverted without social anxiety  

[Psyche_92]

Loneliness is the best thing ever. Don't fill that gap up with friends, it won't work. Get real and embrace it. You will come out of it stronger than ever.

[Marinus]

@NoSelfSelf@NoSelfSelf  I like this idea, I'm on it already.

@supremeyingyang Thank you for sharing your story! I was very anxious, but thanks to self-development it has reduced a lot. I do feel very much like an outcast in society ever since being a child. o told that the path of self-development leads toward loneliness and it sure feels that way.  It's true that I pressure myself a lot and it's difficult let that go. I like your list, this to honest is going to be hard, but I don't really see another way. I only don't understand number 4, you mean speaking  spontaneous thoughts out loud?

@Psyche_92 last year it was harder for me since I live alone. My family is toxic and I don't visit them often, my wellbeing has improved fortunately since leaving. I heard people that seem very developed say the same, but how do I embrace this? And your right it feels like having a void in me.

[Psyche_92]

16 minutes ago, Marinus said:

last year it was harder for me since I live alone. My family is toxic and I don't visit them often, my wellbeing has improved fortunately since leaving. I heard people that seem very developed say the same, but how do I embrace this? And your right it feels like having a void in me.

Have you seen this video of Leo?:

 

[Shin]

You will make friends by meeting them at the activities you like to do.

So if you like personal developement and meditation/consciousness, you attend to events like those, or host one.

At some point you will see the same persons again and again, then you will become friends.

Use websites like meetup (the equivalent for your country, search them up), and seek for events in your own town through all means possible.

 

The most important thing though, is to adress your loneliness issue.

If you have a girlfriend and still feel lonely, there is some deep issue to cover.

It will hinder you capacity to make friends, because healthy people don't want to be friend with clingy and desperate people.

 

Edited October 14, 2018 by Shin

[Charlotte]

Plot twist. You dont need them ? (my experience)

Friendships are full of shit

(Relating to Leo's new episode ?)

[NoSelfSelf]

@Marinus im glad you like it

@Charlotte we dont need anything but friendships are not made out of need but for enrichmentof life and making eachother better and give love to eachoter...to give ourselves to others so others can do the same my thoughts tho..and idk mybe you made it like a joke comment

[ajasatya]

@Marinus wanna make true friends? start listening to people with your heart.

[supremeyingyang]

@Marinus

No. I and maybe you think too much. And too quick. People tend to don't understand my thought process well because they a. haven't had the same experience and b. are unfocused. For you is it stupid obvious stuff that 1+1=2. Sometimes it helps to dumb yourself down when you are with people... You have to adapt to your circumstances.
On the other hand you can take it literally. Many people are just bored and like to make some fun..

@Charlotte

I disagree. Maybe it's like that for you, but not for me.

@ajasatya

While it's true, it's so wack to spit out these wise one-liners. You waste your talent. Go write fortune-cookies

@Shin

This is gold.

@Psyche_92

It's not that great if you have no choice. If he goes now straight to loneliness he's likely to get bitter and resentful. But I agree that solitude is so good.

Edited October 14, 2018 by supremeyingyang

[ajasatya]

48 minutes ago, supremeyingyang said:

While it's true, it's so wack to spit out these wise one-liners. You waste your talent. Go write fortune-cookies

that's a false statement. short, straightforward, clean and objective teachings were the most effective ones to me. if it offered something else i would be a hypocrite liar.

everyone helps according to their own experience. i don't know what your goal is when you try to invalidate what others say when, in fact, it's about helping someone. unable to feel compassion? too much pride? thinking that your experience is the only valid one? sure, almighty enlightened SUPREMEYINGYANG. 

Edited October 14, 2018 by ajasatya

[supremeyingyang]

@ajasatya

Boy, I achieved Enlightenment the hard way. I had to go like 7 times a week to the china restaurant to get enough fortune cookies. And now you shit on me as I point out the real and only way?

"Be on the lookout for coming events; They cast their shadows beforehand."

"You will marry your loved one."

"A good way to keep healthy is to eat more Chinese food."

"If winter comes, can spring be far behind?"

You see. Thats just the tip of the iceberg!! lol.

[ajasatya]

@supremeyingyang this is my second and last off-topic post on this thread. you don't seem to comprehend the difference between simple practical advice and vague philosophical assumptions.

making true friends is about being open to emotional connection without judging.

"how are you feeling?", "how is your day going?"... make deep eye contact and listen with patience. people will say the strangest things. you act as a tool for them to face the pain from which they run day after day. it won't take too long until they start calling you to tell you those things because they trust you.

4 hours ago, ajasatya said:

@Marinus wanna make true friends? start listening to people with your heart.

it's that simple.

[Pilgrim]

@Marinus

I struggle with exactly the same thing. Lately I prefer solitude and noticed that I cannot relate this well to the people around me anymore. I am also a pretty introverted and introspective person.. yet, there is nothing I love more than having a genuine, deep connection with people. It's probably one of the most beautiful things in life.. but it is very difficult to come across those people and it needs time and patience. 

The advice already given is pretty solid, especially joining groups on meetup is a good way to meet like-minded people. I think you just have to start getting out there with something that matters to you and the right people will follow naturally. What is your biggest passion? 

[Marinus]

@Psyche_92 A long time ago yes, maybe time to rewatch it.

@Pilgrim Connection is in my experience also one of the most beautiful things in life. I'm not clear on my passion, I think it is related to the deep genuine conversations, there is nothing more that can energize me and fuel me. I have a friend and we can discus anything without shame and we learn so much from each other. I don't know if this would be really a passion, maybe the topics I discus instead, the lessons of life. That is alo why I was attracted to this field and actualized.org.

@ajasatya From my observation most people I talk with for a while  open up pretty fast with there life and share things with me that are private and it seems that they trust me. Usually this is a result of me opening up first. This is probably not what you mean though. In my case I'm living more in my head then my heart and when making choices I use my head which often results in overthinking.

@supremeyingyang Adaption socially is hard, I can't shut up my thoughts, it's like being hyper aware about my self constantly, unless it's one on one, then I'm all ears.

@Charlotte I think it depends on the people. People with strong values that they live up can have a positive effect on friendship. Maybe what you refer to are the people I avoid and don't invest time in and that's why I don't have many. Honestly I have the need of friends to have deep conversations and learn from them, how would it be to not need them?

@Shin I like everything I do in my student room . Last year I went to meet ups and I liked that. Unfortunately there aren't that many hosted here.

Thank you for the replies everyone.

 

[SageModeAustin]

On 10/13/2018 at 9:31 AM, Marinus said:

So I feel lonely and I don't have friends in Belgium where I study, besides a girlfriend, my friends live in the Netherlands where I'm from. The thing is that I don't want to invest in people that I don't want to be friends with, which is almost everyone I meet. Friendship is something special to me and in my opinion this is something you work towards together. Many people seems to have shallow friendships. I'm more interested in the deep stuff like the topics of actualized.org. Unfortunately not so many people I meet know stuff like this or are interested enough to learn it.

Besides this I'm very introverted which I don't have problem with, but this makes it hard socialize and go out to meet people. Everyone has strengths, but socializing isn't one of mine, except when discussing deep topics or one on one conversations. I also don't like chatting and wasting time with social media. When I talk with people they usually are surprised by my authenticity, openness and of course the understanding of my self (please don't say the self isn't real, I'm not advanced enough to grasp this yet). 

So impressing people is fun, but I don't have many points to relate to another, many like drinking, going out, tv, games, social media and small talk (at least the students I meet). I think I'm at stage green with some shades of orange and yellow. I only have one friend that is at a similar level, consciously who gives me energy when I talk and listen to him. 

The biggest road blocks to get friends are:

• Not wanting to waste time on people that I don't have common ground with which is most of the people I meet;
• Being very solitary, doing solitary stuff;
• Introverted; 
• Serieus about friendship;
• Struggle to keep in to touch with friends;
• very focused on my own growth and introspection.

I want to know how you guys make friends that are worth it, or please give me some feedback on how I perceive friendship as far as you understand the picture that I see. Thank you in advance!

Your looking at this way too analytical. 

Having friends is about having fun.  You sound like me, when I didn't have friends.  Not trying to be mean here, but I think a big reason why you don't have good friends is because you're too picky.  

I think a good challenge for you would to be enjoy hanging out with someone who isn't an intellectual like you are.  You will actually learn more from these people.  

Learn to loosen up, have fun, don't be so one track minded with this actualization stuff  Keep that to yourself and enjoy the moment, you'll naturally find people who are into self actualization by easing your way into friendships, people don't open themselves like that so soon.