Parents fighting a reason for low self esteem? How to work this out?

[MM1988]

Im 30 years old and basically have low self esteem since I was in puberty, it especially shows when interacting with girls and forming romantic relationships (I barely had any). I'm currently trying to get to the bottom of it. 

There was nothing really dramatic in my childhood, but since I can remember my parents never slept in the same bed together. I never saw them kissing or even touching each other in any romantic way to this day. When I was kid my mother was depressed a lot and there was a lot of fighting going on between them in the house. My mother often unloaded her bad mood on me afterwars (father was always relatively calm). Nobody ever got  hit or anything thats why I always thought this was quite normal and not concerning but honestly at the worst this fighting was going on every single day. My mother didnt get a divorce I think because of me and because it would make things complicated with the house and everything (In retrospect I think they should have). I never really blamed myself for their fighting though but I often got a sinking feeling in my stomach when I heard them fighting outside my room once again. Nowadays my parents get along much better and im out of the house anyway.

I wonder if there could be a connection to my low self esteem or me not being able to form relationships? I mean people with divorced parents dont really have problems with attracting partners even though their parents dont love each other so I doubt it. There is also the possiblity that I just want to blame someone else for this mess. I dont know. Im just throwing it out there.

Edited October 9, 2018 by MM1988

[Aquarius]

Sorry to hear about your situation.  

It's important to give yourself time to heal. But you have to stop finding excuses and pointing the finger at other people for your lack of success. You are a grown person now and you have to take full responsibility for your life. I am willing to bet that even people who had decent families are still having relationship issues for various reasons. And those who haven't, well, they just took their lives in their hands. Your situation is not something you cannot heal or correct over time. It just takes practice, research, hard work and some time.

How to work this out? Well I'm sure I've seen at least 5 videos on this topic on Leo's youtube. There are book. There is a library. Free online resources if you look hard enough. We are living in a world where everything is in front of our faces but we're just too lazy to take action to read it, absorb the info. And applying it is another thing too. Start small.

I'm reading a pretty cool book right now, it's for teens but it works for me because I'm a beginner, it's called Success principles for teens by Jack Canfield. It's an amazing book and it helped me a lot. I think there is an adult version too but this one is also helpful, I mean you're pretty young. But feel free to find the original adult version of the book in the stores if you must.

Some videos from Leo to explore (grab a pen and some notepad and start taking notes while watching them): 

--Self Esteem - Understanding & Fixing Low Self-Esteem

--Self Image - The Amazing, Absolute Key To All Personal Growth

--Self Confidence - The Two Essential Avenues

--The Power Of Self Acceptance - How To Stop Beating Yourself Up

--How To Be More Confident 

--How To Love Yourself - How To Like Who You Are Right Now

-- 35 subfields of self help (new video)

-- actually all of his videos on confidence, emotions, relationship and self esteem  

Start small, go step by step, and do buy some books too. Good luck!

[Forestluv]

@MM1988 Social conditioning during childhood and adolescence runs deep into a personality structure. Now that you are aware of it, you can start deconstructing it. Rather than identifying with it "I'm this way because I was raised this way" - try taking a step out of "the story" and loosening your attachment and identification with it.  Ask contemplation questions "Who am I?". Challenge your beliefs "Where did this belief arise from? Is it true?". Get some distance from beliefs through mediation.

It's not easy and can take a long time to deconstruct deep social programming. I spent years working through some conditioned beliefs from my upbringing. There has been stuff that I intellectually understood and let go of - yet I would still get triggered emotionally - 20 years later!! Awareness and letting go is key.

In addition to looking at things intellectually, you may want to also consider emotional work. There are mental memories and body memories. For example, let the emotions get out. The deep emotions upset that you were conditioned this way. Let them loose - punch a pillow and scream. Hit a wiffle ball bat against a tree. Try shamanic breathing. It's not necessary against your parents. It's just letting go of repressed emotion from the conditioning. 

[MM1988]

Im working hard right now on getting this stuff fixed no worries I just want to know the reason for why I am like this, its a part of fixing it for me. Im not out to blame anyone it wouldnt help me anyway.

 

@Serotoninluv I tried shamanic breathing about 10+ times but it only gives me a weird mildly enjoyable feeling but nothing ever came, the state after seems to numb my emotions rather than amplify it I dont know why.

Edited October 9, 2018 by MM1988

[TomDashingPornstar]

One of the sections on Leo's booklist has a lot of information on this.

Edited October 9, 2018 by TomDashingPornstar

[MM1988]

@TomDashingPornstar Which section you mean? you can write the section. I have the booklist and several books from it.