Is It My Duty To Give Feedback To My Father?

[Psychonaut]

This has been a burning concern for me for at least a year.

My father has become totally absorbed into work. His life is out of whack, totally imbalanced. His relationship with my mother is suffering, I can feel it. He doesn't even fucking listen to her. He has aged so much, it hurts me to watch him continue doing this to himself. He has no buddies to hang out and/or give him feedback. All interactions are from work, our family or people at church. He is religious, he reads a lot. But it doesn't improve him at all. 

My father's father and mother are still alive. But they are one of the unhappiest people I have ever met in my life. My fathers complete family is so unhappy. Every single one. My fathers mother is so manipulative, it hurts. We have no contact with them anymore. I have rejected birthday cards from them. I send them back with all the money included. It was my own decision, not my parents idea.

The only true masculine man in our family was my mothers father. He was a role model to all of us. I'm breaking out in tears just thinking of him. I'm not making this up. I am crying. This is the only man me and my father have ever looked up to. My mother was devastated when he passed away.

I feel like my father has lost direction. My mother needs the masculine man that her father was. My father is not delivering. My father has lots of good qualities. He surely has and I still have to adopt all the good stuff. But there are lots of things that he could improve. But he is pouring all his energy into his work and what is left gets spend on christian religious stuff.

These are the things I feel that he has to fix:

• My dad is very negative. When he talks about other people it is almost always negative. The underlying problem has to be taken care of. That has to stop asap
• He has to get his wife back. She is suffering. She has picked up lots of responsibilities at church. I know she doesn't want to do that stuff. Her dad was also involved in church. That is why she probably feels like she has to do this. This is a masculine thing to do, not feminine! She is an artist. She hasn't created anything in years! She would much rather create beatiful art than to deal with administrative things at church. It doesn't help that my dad is super religious and encourages that behaviour.

I know that you shouldn't try to fix other people. But as a child I think I have to at least try.

This is what I think I should do:

• I would start with recommending "The way of the superior man". My father will probably read it if I recommend it, not sure if it will be enough to just read it. 
• I would also strongly recommend meditating every day with the absolute minimum being 30 minutes. But it probably has to be 45 minutes or 1h like I do. I don't think that this will resonate very well with my father, because he has so little time. But it has to be done. You cannot get rid of the emotional baggage by just praying and hoping for the best. You have to fix the way you think. Praying is just delegating it to some higher form of being. It makes you weaker and relieves you of your own responsibilty to address the things that are holding you back. You have to meditate every day, till the day that you die and on the day that you will die. 

I can say for myself that I have never been this happy in my entire life. Since I have started working on myself about half a year ago and did meditation every day. I have felt depressed for years, I have self harmed, I have had suicidal thoughts for years, I have drowned my sorrows in alcohol, I have searched for happiness in drugs. But in the end I have used all of those experiences to make myself stronger. 

Now I feel like it's time to try help the ones I care most about. Or at least try. I still have tears in my eyes. I'm in a different country than my parents, but once I get back I think I have to address the issues in person, not via email. 

[ALGUIMAR]

First of all I'm really sorry about the situation you're going through... Its tough watching people you love suffer without need. But we can't stop here or loose faith!

So, I see you've put a lot of thought into this, and I agree with the steps that you can take. Maybe your father isn't aware that things can be better, and it's not your duty to wake him up or something like that... I don't believe in duty or must do's. BUT, if you suffer from watching him doing what he does I'm sure you can talk with him, of course reading those self help books will help but the main issue here is that he recognizes the problem he has (sometimes people don't even know they have a problem and that things can be better)

So yeah, I would recommend your steps and also that you approach it carefuly, making him slowly aware of the problem. And lastly I would say... Don't ever loose faith! You're not alone and you can create whatever you want, so if you deeply feel you want to help your father just do it  little by little. Good luck!!

[JeffR1]

@Psychonaut Hi. I empathise with your situation - I've been there and done that. What stands out to me is your comment "I know you shouldn't try to fix other people". There is your answer! It is not your job to 'fix' other people. We each have our own own journey. May I suggest it is not 'your' problem to fix your family. It is what it is. Perhaps you can find peace in understanding this. You have your life to live. You have said you are the happiest now in your entire life. Enjoy that happiness and look forward to your future. I found just accepting my folks for who they are and understanding how they have become who they are now has helped so much. Best wishes. 

[Nathalie]

@Psychonaut you could give a feed back if he had asked .. Did he? If not, I think it would not be a feedback but a judgement.. Would he accept that? It's hart to believe.

I know it's always a difficult position when you see unhappy people not to react..

Often they need to touch the ground before they change something.. If I've understood you rightly, it was your case too?

Actually it isn't even your job and therefore not your duty to be their personal coach (sorry don't find a better word..). Even if you all go through a challenging period, they are adults and I'm relatively sure that they won't accept your unasked help.. parents seldom do, its a question of tradition, value, proudness, roles.. etc. They should be there for you at the first place and not the opposite..

THe key seems to be (as often): the best you can do is to accept and surrounder to what is..

Maybe you can tell us how you've proceed..?

Also best whishes

[Psychonaut]

I have poured all my pain into the starting post and let go off it. It's gone.

Now it's time to be a strategic motherfucker. Sneaky beaky like. 

I have thought about how to package meditation into a package that is appealing to my parents.

I think I will mention it to my mother first. She has mentioned multiple times that I look so happy. So next time she compliments me I will tell her that I believe it's mainly because I have started meditating. A minister of another church in our town is a big promoter of meditation. She listens to some of his sermons which he uploads to his website. She already knows that meditation is something that is okay to do as a christian. Maybe I don't even have to do anything at all!!! Maybe he is the guy to do it for me and I can just watch with a big grin.

If she asks were I heard about it I'll tell I have heard it before and I just googled because I wanted to know more. I found a rather long video which I watched. It was motivating and most of the video was just about all the benefits and it got me really interested. The main motivating part for me was that the guy stressed a lot that meditation is very simple and everyone can use it. You can do it everywhere anytime.

I could mention some positive effects like general wellbeing. That my outlook on life has improved. My thinking has become a lot more positive. The negative thoughts just somehow go away quicker and sometimes they don't come at all.

I'll say that the picture that most people have about meditation is very clichee. You don't need chakras, funky cushions or sit with your legs crossed. You can just sit on a chair, close your eyes and start meditating.

I might mention a quote I found online "Prayer is talking to God. Meditation is listening to God". I found it somewhere on a christian forum or something can't remember the link. Was some christians discussing meditation. 

If she asks how often I do I'll tell her everyday and that it is very important to do it every day. Maybe I can say something like you also pray every day don't you? Meditation is similiar.

If she asks how long I meditate I say atm 1hour, but started at 10m, 20m, 30m, 45m. Not the time is that important it's just that you do it every day. 

If she says 1hour is very long and why I meditate for so long. I say that 45 minutes was also okay, but 1 hour is just 15 minutes more and has a bit stronger effect or something. I had to make sacrifices to fit in my day. I feel like meditation is one of the best ways to spent your free time. Better than just watching videos mindlessly or wasting time on the internet writing long posts about other people's problems that are not your duty to fix. Love doesn't make any sense doesn't it lol.

Then I have to somehow convey that there is no "bad meditation", every effort at doing it is good and you have to be consistent with it. Like when you pray for others. You might pray for several weeks before seeing effects.

I'll say that it is impossible to completely stop thinking. You have to calm your mind, but if it doesn't work don't fight it. It creates resistance and meditation is also about relaxation.

Focus on breathing or heartbeat. See your thoughts as a river. You just watch the river and don't jump into the river. The thoughts just pass by and if you don't jump in the river it will flow slower and your thoughts become less. You want to jump in the river and in the beginning you will jump into the river often. I still do, quite often. It is okay. Eventually you get out of the river for a while. Sometimes you are in the river most of the time and only get out for a few seconds. Sometimes you stay in the river for an hour. Sometimes you just have a bad day and caught no fish. Whatever just try again the next day.

Meditation is essential to rebalance your life in all this overstimulation, the internet and so forth. It's just too much for the mind, it can't handle it. 

If she is interested I could suggest trying a few minutes a day for 2-3 weeks or so.

Try to change the topic, maybe talk about something important or so. If she is interested she'll ask again some other time. I can't dump the whole heft of this post on her. She won't know what happened. Has to be small portions. 

[Nathalie]

@Psychonaut  

if you allow me to let another comment here..

I think this is really a powerful quote, even more for a religious person

6 hours ago, Psychonaut said:

"Prayer is talking to God. Meditation is listening to God"

 

6 hours ago, Psychonaut said:

If she is interested she'll ask again some other time. I can't dump the whole heft of this post on her

You're surely right.. and none of us knows the way for sure.. do we? Maybe she finds her own one and you dont have to take her by the hand?