My Mind is Melting

[nexusoflife]

 

I will provide a bit of background. I have been meditating around an hour per day since March 2014 at the age of 17. Since then I have changed much as a person. I went vegan in 2014 and have been raw vegan since 2015. I have done psychedelics including cannabis, LSD and mushrooms for purposes of nondual entheogenic exploration. As a result of my consistent meditations and mindfulness I have had a number of peak nondual experiences. I had a kundalini awakening event in June of 2017 a few days after consuming psilocybin for the first time in which during a meditation I felt a jolt of energy surge up my spine and explode in my head. Additionally I have read more books in the past 4 years than I have in the last 10. My mind has wondered and contemplated the infinite complexities of existence daily for years now. I also went through a deep dark depression with suicidal thoughts from 2016 to 2017. I have consciously been on the path of nonduality for 4 years now and I know that everything in existence is fundamentally ONE and that everything is GOD. I am well aware of the infinite fractal nature of reality and I see infinite universes in everything, not hallucinations but a deep knowing and feeling of energy from past profound experiences. Systems thinking is now my normal mode of thinking after absorbing as much information as I have.

The feeling of my mind melting all started back in mid-April of 2018; Age 21. I began to notice small changes in my cognition. My memory had begun to slow and become slightly hazy. I began to behave less efficiently and complete tasks less effectively. I have spent much time writing over the past year and a half and I have always been a good writer. However since this phenomena arose in my experience I have struggled to be able to string together sentences and thoughts in writing. Thus conveying ideas through writing is growing increasingly difficult. Even writing this is proving to be quite difficult whereas a year ago a post of this length would have been no problem at all.

As the months went on this feeling became more and more apparent I my life. The seeming collapse of everything that constitutes my worldview has resulted in massive amounts of confusion which are making the completion of basic daily performance decline. On my worst days there are times where I cannot even get out of bed because the feeling of absolute confusion is so immense. Focus has gone down the drain. I am frequently forgetting to eat meals due to the absolute insanity of my mind feeling like it’s melting down, and there have been countless days I the past few months where I am eating on average 800 calories per day whereas normally I would be consuming 2,100 calories per day. As a result my energy levels have tanked. I have grown very sensitive to sound to the point where loud noises can be physically painful to my ears. All sounds are louder and sharper. I have always been introverted but now I am so easily overwhelmed by modern life. Making a living feels like a burden. I feel like all of my concepts of life, reality, who I am and what life is are all melting down and basic function is becoming increasingly difficult.

There is always a feeling of pressure in my mind. I am not experiencing physical pain in the brain, but a pressure of the mind. Let me give an example, typically after wake up or finishing meditation my mind feels cool and free flowing for lack of better terms. When I am having a busy day working etc my mind is being stimulated and feels warm and active for lack of better terms. Now with this meltdown/ reconfiguration happening my mind always feels hot. For the past 3 months or so my mind has felt like an overheated computer CPU. For most of my life I have functioned with one particular mental configuration. Now it feels as if that well established configuration is melting down into an unrecognizable liquid to be rebuilt into a new reconfiguration. Using an analogy; similar to the life cycle of a butterfly I have spent the entirety of my 21 years of life in mental configuration 1 analogous to the caterpillar stage of the lifecycle. I feel like this year I entered the chrysalis stage of development in which all of my concepts beliefs established patterns etc are all melting down and being “liquefied” to be reconfigured and transfigured into something new, configuration 2; analogous to the liquefication of a caterpillar in a chrysalis getting ready to enter the next stage of its life being the butterfly. Hopefully I enter into the next phase of this process sooner rather than later. I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.

School and work have become massive sources of sometimes crippling anxiety. I do not want to completely meltdown and loose the majority of the external structure of my life (being job loss, school loss and loss of stability) but as my mind continues to melt performance is declining in all areas of my life. I think that I am going to collapse soon. I recently had a bad panic attack regarding all of the stress this is inducing. I see broken people everywhere I go and it is hard because I can feel the pain of people I am around and yet my mind is at a point where even forming simple sentences is proving increasingly difficult. Some days I wish I never unplugged myself from the matrix of reality and society. Some days I just want to be plugged back into the matrix.

Recently even my dreams are not forming correctly. The appearance of the dreamscape is now grainy and torn in many places in most of my dreams now. I feel like my 400ug LSD trip in November of 2017 changed my epigenetics. I felt like a different person afterwards. It was the most powerful experience I have ever had. I have used various meditation methods over the years and thus I have tried them to see if they could help with this and all have been unable to help mitigate this. For the first time in 4 years meditation has become relatively ineffective for me. I know the ego is trying to control everything and I should probably sit with this experience and let it pass similar to a thought in meditation but that’s really hard to do when my mind and life are slowly falling apart in front t of me. In the past couple of months I have been experiencing muscle twitches and spasms particularly in the areas of the face, neck, back and hands. The only other times I have ever experienced ongoing random muscle spasms like these were right before my initial awakening in 2014 and after I did mushrooms the first time in 2017.

In the past I have limited myself to doing psychedelics 3 or 4 times a year. So I am not a frequent user. And I have always used them in a meditative setting. I have taken nootropics in the past for mental boosts as well. But since around June of this year I have been very wary of taking any substances that are mind altering (psychedelics, nootropics, medications, etc.) due to my current mental state, however if anyone thinks that there are nootropics that would benefit me I would like to know.

I have always had a low sex drive but since my mind has started going through these changes my sex drive has shot up. I used to sexually relieve myself once a week or less on average and sexual thoughts have never been prevalent in my mind to the point of them being almost not a factor. However now I am sexually relieving myself 3 times or more per week and my mind has sexual thoughts every single day. Not sure if this is relevant but my music tastes are changing too. I have been listening to primarily ambient music since 2012, however in the past 5 months or so, strangely I have been listening to increasing amounts of rap, metal and dubstep.

So all in all I need some help figuring out what is going on with my mind. Is this a kundalini awakening gone wrong? Is my energy messed up? Am I nutrient deficient? Changed neuroplasticity? I do not know what is happening to me or why this is happening but I think I simply went too fast in these past 4 years with all of the meditation, books, psychedelics, lucid dreaming, raw veganism, calisthenics and my mind couldn’t keep up with the mental activity and changes that have been happening. Please, to anyone who read through all of this any advice or help you’d like to share would be greatly appreciated. And thank you for taking the time to read through this post. Positive energy and high vibrations to you all.

[Hellspeed]

Apparently, you are directing the Kundalini energy directly into the head. It is fatal! Watch out! In the long run, you cripple yourself. 

Kundalini has to be directed once burned with water into the Akasha, only then the Heart will know how to open the head with the sling.

 

One more thing to point it out: What you doing right now are the first stages of awakening, it's called egoic enlightenment. You see many gurus or spiritual teachers with the forehead on up and down with the eyebrows and specifically in the position of lifted eyebrows or the opposite most of the time. What I mean is they have literally marks on the forehead with lines from the too much stretching or frowning. Usually, this type of people went too much into crippling themselves decades on this pathway (butt/head). The sad part is that many believe this is IT and is not. One can see the truth of reality like this but limited. This type of people has very heavy visuals on drugs, etc. This state or technique is to force the 6th sense, but without the consciousness on the other 5 chakras in sync is just an intermediate state between dormant and awakened. 

 

Best of luck!

Edited October 7, 2018 by Hellspeed

[Arthur]

Very interesting post. Thanks for sharing.

I think you definitely went deep with Spiritual work and psychedelics. And especially at such a young age. 

I had a similar mind meld down experience after my 5-meo-dmt breakthrough. I felt pressure in my head as if my brain re-wired was physically rewired. My understanding of people and situations became much deeper and broader. It would have been a real struggle to continue with a 9-5 routine every day, luckily I wasn't in that situation. 

I can think of a few possible explanations for this brain meltdown:

Reason 1: Through psychedelics and other practices, you've tapped into great wisdom. You are developing into Spiral Dynamics stage Yellow thinker. With that being the case, your mind will naturally resist old patterns and ventures. You need to find new meaningful activities and discover your Life Purpose. Once you do that, waking up every day will be a blessing.

Reason 2: You are going through a natural process of maturation. Between the ages of 18-22, your body/mind goes into very radical changes. You are just starting to form as an adult and discover your identity. In a way, big paradigm shifts are actually normal and expected. It is a transition phase that will not last for much longer.

Reason 3: You have an Introverted psychological type. For you, the normal mode of operation is going inwards and being isolated. You need to purposefully, by making effort, be more Extraverted. Try to do more physical activity, get more sleep, more quality food, and spend time with other people. Your lifestyle will largely reflect how you feel inside. Try to give your mind a break by changing your activities.

Reason 4: You have done a lot of Spiritual growth and now you experience an Ego Backlash. This Ego reaction is not necessarily a short-term phenomenon. I've experienced 2 years of extremely fast growth, followed by a full year and a half of slacking off. It could be a long phase of falling apart, followed by a new phase of growth.

[Mu_]

Hey man, you sound like me when I first started on the path.  Super focused and diligent to a tee and one pointed towards Self realization.  But like you, there were mind/body changes and pains.  Some of these are part of the course, even being less focused and the mind not working the way it use to.  However, it sounds like you may need to tackle your pursuit from a new angle.  To much spiritual practice in the form of Meditation overstimulated me at one point, along with all the spiritual energies released through questioning self/SElf and shedding old idea's. 

Now I don't want to say drop it all and just focus on school for now, but it could be the best thing you can do for yourself. 

If I were in your shoes and having learned what I have over the last 10 years.  I'd heavily cut back on meditative practices, like full stop for two months and see how that helps, then maybe slowly put in 20-30 mins here and there, just listen to your body.  I'd get your diet in order and If your not doing yoga, try it out, when I took on a serious yoga practice (4-5 times a week and teacher training) some of the energy offness I couldn't put my finger on sorted itself out.   If you don't like yoga, a physical practice of some sort can be just as grounding, weights, martial arts, a sport, but something you really do and puts you in your body for at least an hour at a time.

I'd also drop most of your spiritual reading/watching during this two months as well, just that can effect your energies and slowly bring it back into your life after if it feels right.  Just focus on school, and relationships if you can.

If your internally still yearning to wake up and enlighten as they say, doing what I said won't prevent that, your life lessons and growth will come in your new pursuits and you don't have to force anything, trust me

 

[Richard Alpert]

i really really really hope you listen what i suggest.

Raw veganism is nice for detoxing, but at least 80% of people go crazy and develop mental issues in the long run.

Look at youtube, pretty much all of them end up having mental issues. 

You dont get enough nutrients plus you miss essential fats for your brain.