Help :(.

[Alexo45]

Hi,

I'm kind of getting clueless about my whole journey, and it's literally driving me insane. I've been seeking enlightenment for the past five years, some moments more intense than others, but lately it's getting really crazy, and i can't seem to stop it. I'm reading books, watching video's etc about Nonduality non-stop and it's taking all my free time. I want it to stop, but i know that's not in my control. I've had moments of total frustration ( like now ) where i would throw in the towel and tell myself i'm done with it, only to wake up the next day, wanting to start again.

People are telling me that i must be grateful to have fallen on this path, but i can't honestly say that i am, and sometimes i wish it never happened at all.
If there was a pill i could take to end this obsessive seeking, i would definitely take it and be done with it.

I'm probably not the only one that is having this inner conflict.

Any advice?

[Flammable]

Would love to hear any comments from more experienced users - have found myself in a similar situation.

Edited October 4, 2018 by Flammable

[Nahm]

@Alexo45 Meditation? Trips? Yoga? Retreats?

[Evelyn]

I've also been on and off since high school and read countless books and watched zillions of videos. I stopped doing that. Now I just sit on the couch and do nothing, being aware of breath, sounds, body, whatever enters my awareness. I saw a video of Sadhguru of why it is so hard to get enlightened: because we are on and off all the time. He said it's like you try to cook something and you switch on the stove and then switch off, on and off, on and off and so on, the the water never boils. Same with enlightenment. Since like 2 months I have been trying to be on all the time, made it my sole priority. I use continual breath awareness as explained by this user:  https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/12385-how-i-became-enlightened-fast-and-how-you-can-do-it-to/ 

It is a very useful tehnique, but you need a lot of determination and will... You can give it a try .

Edited October 4, 2018 by Evelyn

[PsiloPutty]

I go through this. 

I think the dissatisfaction stems from the fear that I won't progress far on this path, and eventually years will have been wasted. That's the raw fear in me. Of course when I examine it, I see that I've already progressed, and there's no reason why it won't continue, as long as I don't give in.

That kind of fear easy to ignore in the short term, but hard to extinguish. Instead of wasting time trying to put it out, I just keep doing what I do, and it usually subsides. That subsiding, combined with continued effort, allows progress to take place, thus giving the fear less solid ground to stand on. 

 

[PsiloPutty]

@Evelyn  Breath awareness during waking hours is something that I am developing as well. And I think that was the most interesting thread I've ever seen on this forum. 

[Evelyn]

@PsiloPutty For some reason, what this user wrote really made me go fully into it. He explained it in a way that resonated with me, in a way that seems easy to follow and achievable. I even bought the key he used and I have to say it is amazing, just as he mentioned. Also started taking ormus. I am yet to try the mushrooms, though I have no idea where to get them in my country .

[cetus]

@Alexo45 The answer is right here in this short 10 min. video.

Stop the mind from it's constant wanting to do something.

Do, do, do, do, do always wanting to do. 

Except what is - exactly as it is and rest as awareness. 

 

[Telepresent]

@Alexo45 Are you attached to the ideas you have about spirituality/enlightenment, and the emotional reaction that you get from reading or watching videos about it? I wonder if you're hooked on that rather than the search itself? 

I speak from the point of view of an addict: what you describe sounds familiar to my relationship to alcohol, and the struggle to give it up. Not wanting to be a downer...

Edited October 4, 2018 by Telepresent

[Shin]

Stop that kind of seeking.

Just focus on being conscious with no other reason than being conscious.

Just appreciate the beauty of life (in every form), especially nature, soak all of it in.

Wonder about how could this all be a dream, a projection of your own mind (not your brain), with real wonder, not in a neurotic and mechanical way.

Connect more with people, listen more, and pay extra attention to their eyes.

Take some psychedelics responsibly (like 5-Meo, ayuhasca or shrooms). I personally don't feel the need or any want to do them for now, so don't ask me how to get them (asking on the forum is prohibited).

Basically you want to live life, but more intimately (more consciously), if you do that you will naturally want to inquire (more) in a genuine way.

 

[WelcometoReality]

@Alexo45 No book will get you enlightened and no youtube video either. Are you seeking enlightenment the same way you'd look for an answer to a riddle? Because there ain't no answer.

[kieranperez]

4 hours ago, Alexo45 said:

I'm kind of getting clueless about my whole journey, and it's literally driving me insane. I've been seeking enlightenment for the past five years, some moments more intense than others, but lately it's getting really crazy, and i can't seem to stop it. I'm reading books, watching video's etc about Nonduality non-stop and it's taking all my free time. I want it to stop, but i know that's not in my control. I've had moments of total frustration ( like now ) where i would throw in the towel and tell myself i'm done with it, only to wake up the next day, wanting to start again.

Too much theory not enough practice. I know what you're talking about man. Got sucked into this trap. Just put the books down for awhile (probably for a few months), turn off youtube and all other media and other online sources you've been studying non-duality from and get to work on the meditation, self-inquiry, yoga or whatever work works for you.

Relax man. This is a work in progress. Go back to baseline. it's okay. If this takes longer, it takes longer. It's going to take as long as it needs to take. The books and theory are great. However, from experience it get's in your head and actually takes into the form of turning into new webs of belief. You can even get cocky thinking you "know" more than you actually do or even get depressed because deep down you know you're not doing what you really need to do and that can really take a hit on your integrity and self-esteem. 

Also, find maybe a local Zen center, Buddhist temple, Ashram or some sort of place in your area and talk with a teacher. That to me would be a much better use of external assistance than books and more theory because a teacher (don't even worry about their level of proficiency or attainment right now) is a tool that reinforces your practice and helps you keep that momentum going. 

Get back on track and don't sweat it  

[Flammable]

What I can say is that sometimes all the theory truly gets overwhelming. I look at one video and then I want to watch 50 other videos, just to finally get depressed that life is not long enough to soak in all the information.

Just as @kieranperez said - maybe focusing on the practice and leaving the theory aside is a good strategy.

[NoSelfSelf]

If you are truly seeking then your ego should be less heavier more quiet every time...

[Telepresent]

19 minutes ago, NoSelfSelf said:

If you are truly seeking then your ego should be less heavier more quiet every time...

Can we not tell other people what their journey "should" or "shouldn't" be? I mean, by all means let's share our experiences, perspectives, and thoughts, but unless you know this as an absolute inviolable truth then maybe avoid the word "should"?

I don't mean to pick on you specifically, @NoSelfSelf , it's just that you have posted the right post for me to moan about this at this time. Lots of people do it and I think 

A) they don't truly know, 

&

B) it's false language. 

Please no personal offence

Edited October 4, 2018 by Telepresent

[Hellspeed]

Stop reading, stop watching, stop listening. 

Take time alone and just breathe, nothing much. 

 

[iamme]

Here's how I moved from seeking to knowing. 

I now have an awakened and enlightened consciousness, though not an enlightened master yet because of work in progress. 

So, after seeing, listening and reading all I wanted about the most prominent enlightened masters in known history, I observed how they dealt with duality and took notice. At the same time I identified what bothered me the most and that was how to deal with my past (my feelings about my past were eating me alive at the time). 

That led me to "letting go" so I read and practiced some with various amounts of success. As I was investigating how to make this letting go work, it became clear that the physical and mental worlds are worlds made of beliefs. 

So I must be holding billions of conflicting beliefs in my Subconscious mind, from how the physical body functions without my input, to physical life scenarios. 

Now there is a matter of time and focus to deal with them and for sure it's possible to discard groups of beliefs at once, no need to go over them one by one. 

So how to discard beliefs: you check what bothers you in the moment and decide if that's still true for you. If it's true, you still want to have that attached to you. 

The other way to see some light is to silence those beliefs (with meditation or breathing techniques) until you get some clarity, enough to be able to drop enough of them  at once. 

Hope this helps. 

[Arkandeus]

This is the end of seeking behaviour

When you fully understand that you don't want to do this anymore, and yet you somehow keep doing it

Meaning that the last energies of momentum are being acted out,you seem to be going through the motions, when it comes to this stage it is not going to last long

You've stopped feeding the momentum with thoughts and desires, its running on past "fuel", but it  really won't last long

Just observe whats happening, realize that your vibration has shifted, but it takes time for reality to catch up to you, yes even your day to day tasks

This is normal, just keep your intentions clear, you want the seeking to stop, keeping navigating this course

 

This is really the opportunity to step up and be the captain, you do not take hints from circumstances, not even your own emotions and actions, these things do not define you, you define these things

Your emotions and actions follow you, make your will clear, define your beliefs, this is what he tipping point between letting emotion and actions dictate you or you dictating them looks like

Edited October 5, 2018 by Arkandeus

[Leo Gura]

@Alexo45 What kind of results have you got? Any mystical experiences?

[Tetcher]

This is what psychedelics do to you when you take too often or too long.

Notice that you wrote that you are in a compulsive pattern that as soon as you get better you resume your compulsions that invariably lead to a peak of frustration after some time.

I can't help you because I suffer the same pattern. I joined an ashram so at least for a few months I can't indulge as easily we'll see if it helps in the end. I'm still indulging in this forum apparently.

Only thing I can say to you is to stop psychedelics because the frustration may grow so strong that you may lose it.