A Journey to Anywhere

[jjer94]

Chapter 1:

Chapter 2:

Chapter 3:

Quote

What dooms our best efforts to cultivate empathy and compassion is always, of course, other people.

Tim Kreider

a journey to anywhere.

Chapter 4.

Just when I thought that I passed the spiritual threshold - that this whole enlightenment journey would be a breeze from here onwards... Oh boy was I wrong. I was so, so wrong.

Reality tends to forcefeed humility to those on the spiritual diet, and I'm nearly choking on it. Every single day, I am humbled to the utmost degree at the sheer beauty and complexity of this world. From the wild-foraged coral tooth mushrooms to the quirky humans stuck in psychological homeostasis, this infinite place has an infinite number of things to learn. Every time I think I know something for certain, Reality says, "Nuh-uh, JJ. Here, let me show you that the opposite is just as true." And then I'm like, "Well...shit."

A week ago, I moved to my Elsewhere - an intentional community that's also an outdoor school. Even in a week, I have learned so much about communal living and so much about myself. In particular, I never realized how selfish I am. Helping the people around me, giving without receiving, doing mindless chores - all of these have pushed my ego buttons. Ego wants to have it like before: self-indulging in psychoanalytical woe-is-me bullshit, receiving without giving, and being lazy. But now, I'm too busy to think too much about myself. I'm thinking about how I can serve others. And whattya know - I definitely feel happier than I did at my parents'.

As an INFP, I struggle with concrete goal setting, so I aim for ideals. I wrote down a few in my journal a couple days ago, so I'll paste them here. 

Here's what I want to learn in my time at this community:

• I want to be totally relaxed in conversation and exude the energy of "I am worthy to listen to; my words matter; I am comfortable with myself." Right now, I am not totally relaxed in conversation, and I exude the energy of "I am unworthy to listen to; my words don't matter; ignore me."
• I want to be flexible with requests from community members. Instead of internally groaning whenever someone asks a favor, I want to be willing and receptive to help.
• I want to learn how to establish boundaries. To say 'no,' to redirect, to stand up for myself in a respectful way that benefits everyone. I have the habit of being a doormat.
• I want to have some sense of humor, to be able to react quickly with humor in a conversation. That means practicing "yes and", caricatures, and the fake-out. I'm normally a pretty dull conversationalist. I interview more than I converse.
• Finish the health coaching certificate. Work at a wellness center in town. Work with clients that I resonate with. Something I haven't talked about yet: I've been working on an online certificate for the past several months.
• Deepen my friendships with two people in particular. 
• Deepen my relationship with the leader of the community. Have some of his zen rub off on me. Learn his ways. 
• Banish epstein-barr and strep from my system using the Medical Medium heavy metal detox protocol. Clear skin, clear hearing, clear thinking. I've cut my animal protein consumption in half and doubled my fruit and vegetable intake. I feel a lot better.
• Write one song per week, keep learning covers. 
• Keep writing on the forum. 

I feel more aligned than ever, but I still have no idea what my purpose is. So I'll just keep on chuggin' along and follow the bread-crumb trail of the Universe. I'll voluntarily continue this process of self-uncovery and surrender.

I'll take this journey to Anywhere.

 

[jjer94]

a date with myself.

Hot diggity dayum! I've been around the block lately. Between living it up in this community, working on the certificate, songwriting, spiritual practice, book editing for the community leader, and trips to the parents' place, my schedule feels almost as jam-packed as...well...jam!

Then there was the four-day canoe immersion trip this past weekend, which involved primitive camping and firemaking. Four days is the longest time I've ever camped, and it's also the longest time I've spent in cold, muggy weather. 

The first two days were wintery. Because my body hasn't adjusted yet to colder temperatures, I was chilled to the bone. The difference between this kind of cold exposure and cold showers is that the former is nonstop. Unless you make a fire or move around a bit, the cold can become a serious issue. Of course, even worse was the third and final days, where it also rained nonstop. Water leaked through the top of my tent and pooled below the sleeping bag. But that was not the most uncomfortable part. The most uncomfortable part was being fully with myself - no distractions whatsoever. Not even the option.

Overall, an epic trip, and definitely a powerful practice for personal growth that adds the often overlooked raw physical element. 

I wrote endlessly in a scrappy-ass journal, especially on the third day. Here's some juicy tidbits:

Quote

• The COLD. Perpetual chills, except when near the fire. Mitten got in the water, so hand was a bit cold yesterday.
• Pooping glass. I had a very ceremonial shit last night. I was holding it all day and didn't go till after dinner, when it was dark. I used my headlamp to arrive at a poop spot, then turned it off for immersive experience. It was a meditation; I had to be present with the pain of a thousand needles pricking my colon as every little rock-hard pellet passed through the rectum. Oddly enough, then was the only time and place that I felt truly safe on this trip. Otherwise, I've had cold feet and clenching lower abdomen.
• Canoeing. itself a meditation. Felt like all was well with the world.
• How much I take for granted, even at _____. The heat, the food, the community. You don't know what you've got till it's gone. 
• The FIRE. How valuable it really is. Especially the coals. Keeps you dry, warms you up, cooks food, makes walnuts taste AMAZING, is a community gathering place, is a meditation. Fuck, EVERYTHING out here is a meditation. 

It feels so vast and empty here. Like I'm stranded with myself and I don't know who I am without all of my accouterments. I woke up this morning with that empty feeling that I felt back at home, especially in winter. That feeling of purposelessness. That feeling of not having anything to look forward to in my life. Unpack it... feeling like pieces of myself are missing. Like I've spent all this time filling my space with trivialities in order not to feel the insignificance feelings. Why? Because they're cold and unpleasant. Why? Because they threaten my sense of self. DING DING
    All of this turmoil...Just so I don't die. Just so I don't surrender this body and mind to the ONE that loves them the most. [...]

I'm in the tent. It's been raining all night and all morning. My resources are wearing thin - both physical and emotional. I have the eternal chill, and it's not going away anytime soon. My skin is falling out, and my nails are turning black. I saw a mushroom cloud in the distance this morning.
    ...Okay, those last two sentences are made up. But still, this is most definitely out of my comfort zone. The most uncomfortable thing is not the rain, nor the wet, nor the cold. It's the fact that I'm left in this tent with absolutely no distractions. I can't run from myself like I normally do. 
    All of these old memories are coming up. [...]     I was so addicted to the adventure of [Super Smash Bros Brawl] - specifically Subspace Emissary. The feeling of going somewhere, finding treasure along the way, and being guided by an invisible hand. Not having to make decisions, only go to the next world, the next level. Isn't that how I try to live my life nowadays? I want the "Universe" to guide me with its invisible hand. I don't want to decide on anything. I just want to enjoy the journey from stage to stage. 
    You'll have to excuse me. I just took a dump outside in the pouring rain. Fortunately, I had the shade of a tree to fend me from the torrential downpour, so it was EPIC. [...]

I forgot how VISCERAL this is, writing with pencil and paper. If it weren't for the convenience of Simplenote, I'd write this way all the time. In fact, this WAS how I wrote back in the day, with my Batz-Maru journal. I wish I wrote more in that, because there are chunks of my life that are missing, that I can't remember at all. [...]

Well, here's thing. I had 2 kind of crushes:
    1. The one that would fill the role of "Mommy."
    2. The one that could potentially be rescued from something, thus having her admire me for being the hero/savior/etc. 
Or both at the same time. Or, 2., which leads to 1. Impossible expectation for the opposite sex to fill. A very narcissistic view of relationship. "She has to love me because I can't give that love to myself." [...]

I had a date with myself today. Totally immersed in my psyche. I saw some of my stuck points. I witnessed my resistance to the present moment, the need to distract myself with diet nonsense or anything else, really. I've grown a lot in this day alone. I gained a new perspective. IN this place especially, I see that there's no time; that it's all one big now. It's much easier to notice this when there's no time clocks or smartphones. Time is so quick when you have the Internet. Yesterday's news is old news. But here, time is much slower. It's as if every moment is whispering in your ears, begging you to listen. - and yet every moment is just more of the same. 
    "Hey, JJ - this is Rain speaking. Did you hear my last drop? What did you think? How about this next one? Cool, right!? it almost sounded like the first one!"
    I've got a nagging headache from breathing all the smoke tonight. Yup, we made a fire in the rain, under a tarp...BARELY. The ground and wood was wet, but we somehow made it work. For dinner, most of the same...vegetable and bear fat soup. For all the work we did to warm it up, it tasted amazing. Plus, I craved vegetables. Five years ago, I would have never thought that I'd crave vegetables. I'm also craving less and less animal protein, although the fish (and fish eggs) we had yesterday tasted amazing. I felt like a Neanderthal eating it with my bare hands. 
    Okay, my hand's getting tired from all this writing, so I think that concludes my journaling of this four-day canoe trip. Overall, an amazing learning experience that brought me JUUUUST out of my comfort zone to learn and grow as a human being. Tomorrow - no fire. We eat fruit and nuts, then leave for a long canoe journey back to the pick-up point. 
    I want to mention one more thing. Gathering firewood in the sweet forest yesterday felt like Minecraft or The Long Dark. I can see myself getting my fix of ADVENTURE in this healthier way.

 

[jjer94]

everything is for rent.

Everything is for rent.

Your clothes, your boots, your motorcycle.

The physical, the mental, and even the spiritual. 

The cost of rent is your gradual

unfoldment into peace and joy.

Failure to pay the rent

results in suffering and toil. 

Failure to respect the landlord

results in a karmic snake coil. 

And pretending to own 

leads to eviction from the premises.

Best to avoid getting sued

by accepting that everything is for rent, dude. 

Silver and gold
Precious stones, so I’m told
Ah, we’re clutching, but there ain’t nothing we can hold

[jjer94]

the mysterious case of the unsnappable rubberband.

I like to think of authentic desire as a rubberband. A massive, unsnappable rubber band. The further you get away from an authentic desire, the more tension and discomfort you feel, and the more you're drawn back to it.

I suspect most people live their entire lives in tension with their authentic desires, due to outside influences and programming. I was (and still am) one of them - and let me tell you, that's what hell is. Hell is the willful resistance not just to "what is," but to "what is in your soul." The soul has its own innate, inexplicable drive to do stuff for no rational reasons, and it's our choice to go with that drive or against that drive. Going with the drive risks the loss of everything but guarantees the gain of your soul - a worthwhile trade, in my opinion. On the contrary, going against the drive guarantees some safety and some momentary bouts of pleasure, but it risks the loss of your soul and a life spent in constant tension with that unsnappable rubber band. Fortunately for most people, the tension can get so bad that they have no choice but to "snap back" to their authentic desires. 

As I continue to uncover my authentic self, I notice that I keep "snapping back" to music. No matter how many times I try to quit, my urge to play guitar and write songs is almost like an urge to poop. It feels totally necessary, even though I'm not taking it seriously. So I keep doing it, and the more I do it, the more I realize how full I feel when I do it. I even notice my appetite for food goes away after playing, because I'm feeding the body what it truly wants - soul food.

Once again, I find myself at that crossroads between many fields: alternative healing, diet/lifestyle, music, writing. How do they all fit together? Can they? Am I inventing a puzzle where there is none? I suppose the unsnappable rubberband will let me know as time goes on. 

 

[jjer94]

The gas station guy's life-saving bathroom.

After yet another successful workshop with the sage woman, I drove downtown and walked the slightly snowy streets.

A bookstore was beckoning my attention, so I went inside and perused the aisles. That's when nature decided to scream at me from my bowels. Because women surrounded me at the workshop (as is common in most alternative healing meet-ups ), I held in the hot air balloon of sulfury gas that I was accumulating all morning. It wasn't just gas, though; something leviathan was lurking in the mysterious depths of my colon. 

I speed-walked to the front desk and asked if they had a restroom. Nope. I immediately rushed out of there and went next door to the clothing store. I asked the woman with twenty pounds of make-up if they had a restroom. Only for employees, she replied. The closest restroom is on the corner of the street next to the highway. So I proceeded to walk through the (fortunately) butt-clenching cold to search for the long-lost restroom. 

I couldn't find it.

Shit! I thought. Definitely the proper thought to have, in more than one way. I rushed my skinny legs further down the street and stumbled upon a gas station. Walking inside, I asked the employee if they had a restroom. Yes, but for customers only, he replied. But you can go to the bathroom first.

You've got to be kidding me, I thought. Well, at least he's letting me go right away. That bathroom was the cleanest gas station bathroom I've ever been. And that dump...ohhhh man, that dump was the cleanest dirtiest dump I've ever taken. The Ouroboros himself left my colon, and a wave of satisfaction flooded my body, almost like post-orgasm. I left that bathroom with a stride of pride, bought some toilet paper, and talked to the guy up front. I think your bathroom may have saved my life, I told him (No joke, that's exactly what I said, word-for-word). He smirked.

After a few miscellaneous words, I asked him, does winter always come this early?  He replied, Yep. I remember when I was little, I would wear my winter gear under my halloween costume. I've had a lot of experience with this weather, living here my whole life. 

I left the gas station and proceeded to walk back to the sushi place, which was my original destination. I looked at the sunset and thought about the gas station guy. There's a guy who's spent his entire life in a bubble of a couple thousand people, probably never been outside of the state, probably goes home after work and eats doritos and whacks it to midget porn. With the right book, or the right Actualized.org video, or a little exposure to death, or just a little travel, he could experience a completely new perspective on life that would expand his experience and make life richer for him. But alas, his life is his life, and he's going to spend the rest of it at that gas station in this small town in which he was raised. 

The reason I share these seemingly unnecessary elaborate details about the time after my workshop and not the workshop itself, is because they are benchmarkers. A year ago, I would not have been able to take a dump in that gas station - not just because of chronic constipation but also the emotional component of the world feeling unsafe and dirty. Not only is the constipation 90% gone, but the world feels more and more like my oyster. 

Then there's the gas station guy. A year ago, I would have judged him. I would have thought how much of a loser he is, how much he needs to change, how I could help him, and on and on and on. But today, I just had a normal conversation with a perfectly okay human being on a cold autumn evening. I stared his dorito-encrusted, midget-porned divinity straight in the face and honored it as I honor my own divinity. I loved him as he is, and I had fun wondering about his life and his unique, possibly limited perspective. Nowadays I truly honor the Vampire's Code. There's no reason to shake anyone's world, unless they explicitly ask for it. My need to ruffle feathers in an attempt to fuel spiritual superiority and further separation is gone. The only time I'd ever ruffle feathers now is if I were hugging someone wearing a Tyler Durden feather coat. 

I'm so happy, even in moments when I'm not. I've come a long way. 

 

Edited October 21, 2018 by jjer94

[jjer94]

the doormat deception loosens its stranglehold.

As a recovering doormat, saying "no" to people is one of the most difficult things for me.

I grew up with the programming that my needs and my boundaries don't matter; that I am inadequate; and that any attention is good attention. Of course, that attracted all sorts of energy vampires from hidden alleyways that wouldn't leave me alone. At first, a friendship with said vampire was lovely: in exchange for my listening to them, they would give me the feeling that I mattered at least somewhat to have a friend (otherwise I'd be friend-less and have to face my deep feelings of shame and abandonment).

Then some time would pass and they would suck enough blood for me to notice. The relationship would become totally one-sided. They would cling onto me like I was their lifeline, and I would continue to give give give and repress my frustration. At some point, the inner volcano would erupt, and I would leave the friendship with passive-aggressiveness - usually, I would stop responding to their calls and texts. I would loathe the fact that I didn't speak my truth to them, I would exacerbate my shame, and the cycle would continue with the next energy vampire. 

Awareness of this pattern took me several years in the school of hard knocks, and changing the pattern may take longer - but I'm doing it. I did it a couple weeks ago with one of my fellow community members here. He was the energetic equivalent of my friend from first grade, and I could sense that the karmic cycle would continue unless I did something about it.

So I set a boundary. The following day, he was incapacitated and grieving all day. A meeting with him the next morning revealed that my "rejection" had stirred up grief regarding some losses in his family. So by speaking my truth, I may have potentially helped him on his own healing journey. That's not all, though. I went even further that morning and spoke my truth with no euphemisms whatsoever. I told him that the energy he gives off is predatory and needy, and it makes me feel uncomfortable. 

I shocked myself when I said that. Whoa. Where did this newfound self-respect come from? Regardless, this is a huge leap for me. The Doormat Deception is beginning to loosen its stranglehold on my psyche. Even so, I do feel compassion for the guy, because I've been in his situation more than a handful of times, especially as of late with the married girl. I know, it hurts.

But I'm not going to allow yet another energy vampire suck my blood. 

 

[jjer94]

losing the hay in the needlestack.

This was a challenging week. Liver detox, cold weather, grief, triggers from community members...and girl stuff. I know everyone wants to hear about girl stuff. 

A few days ago, I lost a good friend. For now. Or forever. 

Remember that married girl I mentioned in a previous post? Over the past few months, we grew closer. She became attracted to me, and I only became more attracted to her. Right off the bat, I expressed my feelings to her so that I wouldn't be that creepy third-wheeler friend, and she told me that we can still be friends - that it's possible to be attracted to someone and not act on it. I agreed with her... up to this point. 

I felt like she was pulling on my heart-string, but we had a brick wall between us, and while she kept pulling, I kept smashing my head on that wall. The relationship only became more painful as time passed. It reached a crescendo a few days ago. 

I manned up and held nothing back. I told her that I couldn't be friends anymore. I told her that I couldn't be that supportive bystander while I simultaneously daydreamed about fucking her. I told her how hot she looked that one night I saw her. I told her that I felt uncomfortable around her and her husband together. I told her that I didn't want to be "that guy" that gets between them. And I told her that the most respectful thing I could do at this time is to keep my distance. She respected my decision, and that was that. 

What a gal. She taught me gratitude, karma yoga, and confidence. She introduced me to amazing people and was the one who convinced me to join this intentional community. Her energy is amazing. Words cannot describe the frustration and grief I feel over losing someone like that in a rural area full of country bumpkins. It's like losing the hay in the needlestack. 

Part of me feels back at square one, but the rest of me feels empowered. If I can sit through these heavy feelings like a true emotional warrior, I feel like I can sit through anything. And if I feel like I can sit through anything, I can do whatever I need to do to actualize myself. 

 

 

[jjer94]

last dance with mary jane.

I disintegrated last night. I didn't expect Mary Jane to have such an impact on me, but she did - probably because I haven't convened with her in over a year.

I was out of town the past couple days to see a concert with my brother. When we got back from the concert, I figured why not give the ol' reefer a go since it's here. A few puffs later, and my sense of self unraveled like a ball of yarn. I closed my eyes and entered another dimension where I was beautiful fractals and sacred designs over a blank canvas of nothingness. Totally malleable, yet totally solid Being. Insights downloaded left and right, but I had difficulty encapsulating them into words. Here was my attempt:

You don’t have to look for it. You only need to let go of yourself enough that you disintegrate, and what’s left is pure being. 

Being is dynamic. It is always moving, but also incredibly still. Like a silent abandoned movie theatre. Kind of boring to not react to stuff [in life] because you know it’s a movie. More fun to play the role and be immersed. It was never serious. Death is only the washing away of paint on a board that doesn’t break, ever. Beyond death is an endless safety net. 

The beauty of total Presence in the Timeless realm was overwhelming. I appreciated every spontaneous fractal and every new idea. I witnessed my eternal Aloneness and was okay with it. I witnessed my half-dead ego in its perfection - all of the little sensations and energy signatures that make up the unit called "JJ." So convincingly real it's hilarious, yet when you see its flimsiness you can't help but laugh at it. 

Synesthesia was apparent as well. Musical sounds became wavy visions, which blended into textures. I realized they're all the same thing - awareness. Crazy-ass awareness doing its dance of formless form. Then I returned to the third dimension and conked out. 

I'm excited to integrate and embody these insights through the coming years. This experience goes to show that even marijuana can be used constructively when the intentions are pure.

 

[jjer94]

i am a responsible human being.

Quote

"Life is too perfect to be fair."
Matt Kahn

The cold woke me last night at three in the morning like a jester wanting to play. It tickled my neck and throat and beckoned me to get up. I grunted in frustration, as the wood burning stove beside me that was supposed to provide warmth had eaten all the wood and lost its heat. 

Like a boss, I unzipped the dinky sleeping bag and exposed my stark-naked body to the forty-degree-fahrenheit cold (yes, I sleep naked ; but soon I'll have to wear long johns). I stumbled in the dark to find wood, threw it into the stove, and watched as the match turned into an inferno. Ceremonial yodeling ensued. 

Most of the community members left a couple days ago for a month-long international trip, leaving me to single-handedly tend a house. The first night in the loft was so cold that I spent half the night writhing to generate heat. This was the second night, where I decided to cowboy camp next to the wood burning stove. 

As I stared into the flames and warmed my body in front of that stove, I had a simple epiphany:

I am a responsible human being.

Like, truly responsible for the first time in my life. No blaming, no co-dependence. Financial self-reliance. A well-rounded skillset. The ability to look after myself and tend to my needs without feeling overly limited or constrained. The ability to let go of a friend out of respect for her journey. And the grit to light a fire stark naked in an abandoned house at (now) four in the morning, without complaint. 

Getting to this point has required a tremendous amount of surrender. Surrendering to life is not glamorous most of the time, but it's entirely necessary for everyone - whether they do it in this lifetime or the next. In the end, it's so worthwhile, because that's where the true soul growth occurs. Surrender is the bridge to alignment - that feeling that Life, the Universe, Whatever, is pushing you along some invisible rainbow road, and all you have to do is surrender some more and enjoy the ride. 

After my simple epiphany, I peed in my pee jar, crawled back into the oven of my sleeping bag, and let the whispy sound of the flames lull me back to sleep. 

 

 

Edited November 13, 2018 by jjer94

[jjer94]

facial armor.

I learned recently that I smile too much.

Yes, there is such thing. You ever meet those people who have a smile plastered on their face all the time when you talk to them? The people who laugh at all your jokes, even when they weren't that funny? It's like you're talking to a mask, because you don't even know the real person behind all of the endless smiling. (A good example on youtube is this girl.)

I realize that I use smiling as a defense mechanism. I was rejected and ostracized so many times in the past that one of my ways to compensate was to be super nice and smile at people in conversation. Being a smiley, accommodating people-pleaser guaranteed that I'd have a lot of acquaintances and avoid ostracization...at the cost of having true friends and true connections. I became the one who was always lonely, even when I was well-liked by everyone. 

One of my intentions in this chapter is that "I want to be totally relaxed in conversation and exude the energy of 'I am worthy to listen to; my words matter; I am comfortable with myself,'" and part of being totally relaxed in conversation is being totally okay with not smiling all the time. With an exercise of awareness, I am learning to take off the facial armor, be vulnerable, and speak my truth, even if it's something the other person doesn't like. This intentional community is the perfect time and place to do it, since I won't be ostracized. 

I'm shocked at how automatic the smiling happens! Then again, it is a persona I've worn for more than a decade. Awareness in mid-conversation is the key. I'll chip away at that smile, day by day.

(P.S. I saw this guy in concert recently. So much fun )

[jjer94]

baby face.

I've had a lot of success relaxing into my meditation practice by using a quick visualization. It should work with any style - follow-the-breath, Do Nothing, SDS, zazen, the list goes on. Here it is:

Quote

At the beginning of the practice, imagine that you are once again a baby in your mother's womb. 

You can feel her heartbeat. You are safe, warm, and comfortable. All of your needs are met - always. Because this is the case, all of your muscles are completely relaxed. Your facial muscles are slack, your tongue is resting comfortably on the roof of the mouth. You are not breathing. Rather, you are being breathed, because the umbilical cord provides all of the oxygen for you. 

There is no need to do anything - everything is taken care of for you. Even if you are focusing on your breath, the focus is effortless. There is no need for others, because you are in the bliss of being taken care of. There is no need for schedules, or keeping track of time, because you are held, forever and always. 

Saturate your meditation practice with these feelings of ultimate safety, abundance, and effortlessness.

As someone whose mind is wilder than most, I've found this visualization to be especially helpful lately for anchoring me into the practice.

 

[jjer94]

the arm twister week.

This week was stickier than a thousand-year-old cumrag. More emotional than a histrionic bipolar single mother who is a naughty librarian by day and an acrobatic busker by night. Heavier than yo mama.

Okay, I just had my fun for the week. That's reassuring, considering the past seven days have been an arm twister.

The maelstrom began on Monday when I had to drive through a snowstorm at 6 in the morning to get some bloodwork done in another town, and I almost crashed into a snow plow on a bend. My brakes locked due to ABS, my vehicle lost control, and my crumple zone gave way to some railings next to the road. I still haven't gotten an estimate yet for the damage, but let's just say it could have been much worse... Oh. Then I lost my spare key that day, somehow. So more expenses on top of the ones I already have. 

The next evening, I saw the married girl again at a meetup. A firestorm of feelings came up, none of them being attraction. There was immense love and respect, but underneath it was a fiery pit of rage and jealousy for the fact that she has her sexual needs met, and I don't. In fact, I don't have, like, any of my needs met right now in the relationships department. After some digging, I realized that there's still plenty of spiritual ego lurking in my psyche. 

Which leads to the argument I had with my brother, where it felt like we were almost parting ways by the end of the conversation. After hanging up, I don't think I've ever cried that hard before...or should I say, howled. A demon possessed me momentarily, I lost consciousness, and I beat a pillow to death in a fit of rage. Poor pillow...better him than another human being, though.

...Which again leads to my experimentations with shamanic journeying. Ohh man, I need to dedicate a separate post for it.  

Then there was Thanksgiving, where I felt like a black sheep. My opinions are so different now from my mostly-conservative family that I tend to keep my mouth shut around them and instead give them what they want the most: a listening ear, or what I call yin-love. The core wound of my family is "not being heard," so they weren't conversing with each other, but rather, waiting for their chances to speak. 

Yesterday, I helped tend the fire in a sweat lodge ceremony, which was a cool experience, but I didn't quite resonate with it. Afterwards, I helped a friend with an errand, but her car battery died, so I had to help jump start the car in the snowy cold in an airport parking lot with no one else around. Sounds like the beginning of a horror movie, but it turned out to be more of an adventure, and I actually enjoyed the unpredictability...

Until I woke up this morning with a stuffy nose, sinus headache, and achy joints. My immune system couldn't take the beating any longer and finally surrendered to my arch nemesis, Mr. Strep T. Cockus. With a name like that, he should enter the porn business. 

Right now, I feel like crying out of joy and pain simultaneously, laughing out of comedy and tragedy simultaneously, and groaning out of excited expectancy and frustration simultaneously. It's weeks like these that bring you to the Ouroboros, where the Universe twists your arm so much that your emotional battles are lost in the same spirit with which they are won, and you ultimately experience a form of emotional Oneness. 

 

[jjer94]

guinea pigs under the great deku tree.

Yeah, I've been putting this off. I wonder why. Maybe because my needs for community and creativity are being met elsewhere? 

Anyway. Shamanic journeying. I have no idea whether my visualizations are alternate dimensions or subconscious psychobabble, but honestly, it doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm growing through it. Shamanic journeying has made me feel a little less alone, and it's given me profound guidance. So what is it? Basically, I listen to rattle and drum tracks that supposedly bring me to a deeper brain state (Theta?) and allow me to convene with power animals and spirit guides.

A year ago, I was not open to this modality whatsoever. I knew someone who did it, and my mind was boggled: power animal? Sacred garden? What the hell is this voodoo nonsense? Now excuse me as I return to my Do Nothing meditation. But one person I met recently gave me a book on shamanism and now I'm open-minded enough to give it a go. I'm really glad I did. 

My first exploration was focused on discovering my power animal. The power animal is kind of like your spirit animal - a guide that helps you with your life path at any given time. The power animal can change, and you can have multiple power animals. 

So I learned that my power animal is... *drumroll*... the guinea pig.  This post on a random blog describing the purpose of the guinea pig really resonates with me: 

Quote

We eat a very natural diet of raw vegetables. This diet keeps us free of any problematic additives to food.  Only when we eat man made pellets do we get disease and die.  We live close to the Earth, to feel it, feel its changes, and to be grounded.  It is time for you to be grounded.  You can live on a mountain top and still be grounded. 

All beings need exercise and it is good for you too, to exercise at the break of day or at dusk, for this is the time when the energy is balanced and it is easy for you to do what you need to do.  Guinea Pigs like to be social.  It is time for you to be more social with two or three people – good friends – for the time is coming where we will all need friends for support and for protection. 

I find it peculiar that these are precisely the qualities I'm trying to embody at the moment:

• I unintentionally stopped all animal product consumption a month and a half ago due to loss of craving, and I'm eating crazy amounts of fruit and veg. (More on that in another post.)
• I am practicing groundedness through yoga, qi gong, and daily mindfulness of body tensions, especially in the sphincter area.
• I make sure to stay consistent with brisk exercise like walking, yoga, and manual labor.
• One of my intentions here is to acquire quality friendships and learn how to be a friend (you know the saying: in order to have a friend, you have to be a friend).

What's also coincidental is the fact that I owned six guinea pigs throughout my childhood...which brings me to my next point. On my next journey, I went through my sacred tree, walked down the stairs, and discovered that one of my guides is Ziggy, the third guinea pig! I couldn't stop laughing when I saw him sitting like a boss on his guinea pig pedestal. I could sense his jovial nature as well. Before telling me the theme of my next ceremony (which was on friendship, very fitting), he told me that the reason he died from a tumor on his abdomen was because of the pesticides in the parsley that I fed him every night. The way he communicated that to me was not harsh or blaming - rather, more like "no hard feelings." I could sense that he didn't take life too seriously. 

Last night, I performed the ceremony on friendship that he requested. I entered the tree (which my mind visualizes as the Deku Tree from Ocarina of Time, by the way ), walked down the stairs, and reconvened with Ziggy. Surrounding me and him were around a hundred squeaky adorable little guinea pigs. That experience reawakened within me old feelings of community and connectedness that have been dormant for many years. It was incredibly cathartic and insightful. I discovered that those feelings come not from others' company, but from my degree of authenticity/openness with myself amidst others' company. In other words, outer connectedness comes from first connecting with my inner authentic self.

Like I said, even if all of this is in my head, I love the idea of having inner guides like Ziggy that support me on every step of my Journey to Anywhere. I feel just a little less alone.

I'm going to keep experimenting with shamanic journeying and post any other noteworthy insights here.

 

[jjer94]

smacks on the face for youtube and pizza.

I just had an out-of-the-blue idea regarding regulation:

Harmony within the self-system is a macrocosm of harmony within government. They work pretty much the same way.

A government that passes too many regulations will result in chaos due to excessive legal constriction. When a system is too constricted, it will want to compensate by going the other way. On the other hand, a government that has too few regulations will also result in chaos, because without some restraints, the citizens go down a slippery slope.

Someone who puts too many regulations on himself - i.e. nofap, meditate one hour per day, write goals, visualize, affirmations, yoga, and if you take one peek at Youtube you get a smack on the face and require two more hours of meditation - will eventually relapse and rebel with a pizza and some Youtube. On the other hand, someone who doesn't regulate himself enough - i.e. who allows himself to do anything without constraint because "I'm already enlightened," "Just go with the flow, bro," or some other excuse - will have the same result; the ego snowballs. 

I tend to under-regulate. I don't set enough rules and boundaries for myself, and as a result, I have difficulty with focus and discipline - especially in regards to mastery and life purpose (hence the title of this journal ). Fortunately, this is auto-correcting itself with awareness and meditation, and I'm learning how to set healthy boundaries with myself and with others after years of being a puppy-dog-hair-littered doormat. Now more than ever, I'm also able to be self-critical (sometimes in a joking way like I just did) and point out my faults without going into the downward shame-spiral narrative. 

The point when I don't need to self-regulate anymore is when there is no shred of illusion of self to regulate. Until then, my game is to have enough rules and boundaries to keep ego in check, and enough flexibility to keep ego satisfied.

Now, excuse me while I surf Youtube and get my groove on without smacking myself in the face and meditating for two hours. 

 

Edited December 6, 2018 by jjer94

[jjer94]

the super-secret society for super saiyan woke af individuals.

A few days ago, I was endowed the ability to go Super Saiyan. Whenever I turn it on, my hair goes blonde, my clothes morph into robes from a seventh-century kung fu dojo, my voice booms the thunder of a thousand storms, and I can shoot energy balls from my hands. I'm still working on shooting them from my ass, though. That requires some training.

Okay, okay, all of that is an exaggeration except for the last part. I had a level 1 reiki attunement that enabled my body to transmit the reiki energy through my hands for self-healing purposes. Now my hands are constantly humming and vibrating with glowy goodness. What analogy would best describe how this feels...hmmm... it's like having two low-power electric toothbrushes duct-taped to either hands, 24/7. 

I feel like I took the red pill, and now I fell down the energy healing rabbit hole. Even though reiki is a very prevalent modality, I feel like I'm an initiate of this super-secret society for woke af individuals, and I'm not even that woke, bro. This is so cool! I can access this energy at any time when I need it. I can vivify my food with it, balance my chakras with it, and even quicken my bowel movements with it. I'm still learning the ropes, though. I'm like Neo, when he first enters the Matrix lucid and is completely distracted by that girl in the red dress.

More on chakra balancing. Part of the attunement process involves a 21-day chakra cleansing - three rounds of seven days, where each day I focus on one of the chakras. That means, I dedicate my yoga practice to the designated chakra, I eat foods that match the color of it, I do a self-reiki session on it, et cetera. I'm currently at the end of day two, and so far so good. I coupled my self-reiki today with a massage and an IR sauna session (I'll dedicate a separate post for that), and I had some pretty intense releases. But the more I do this work, the more I can ride them out with ease. 

Working on these lower chakras is crucial for me, as I'm finally beginning to feel like a resident in my body rather than an alien who crash-landed in this body. Seriously, that's how I felt most of my childhood. I didn't really "get" this whole human thing, and how to interface with the world. The world hardly felt safe to me. My body was bathed in perpetual adrenaline even though the threats were merely rubber duckies. Though in the grand scheme of things, all threats are rubber duckies. 

So this Super Saiyan thing is yet another side project I'm working through amidst my million other side projects on this Journey to Anywhere. Everything will add up at some point...it will all come together and I'll see the big picture and see how it all fits together and... Ahh, JJ. It's time to take a break, play with the buzzing of those electric toothbrushes in your hands, and enjoy Ocean for the 239th time.

 

Edited December 7, 2018 by jjer94

[jjer94]

LOL! That was Ziggy in a nutshell. 

Dude, thanks for the link! I have it bookmarked so next time I decide to journey, I'll try it out. 

[jjer94]

stoking the inner fire.

I love this wood-burning stove. 

I'm sitting next to it as I write. The warmth is like a blanket that hugs my chest and shoulders. A blanket, however, is an instigator of heat, not a source of heat. I've learned that the truly warming fire must come from within. 

Whenever I feel a perpetual internal coldness - where my extremities lose their heat and my lower body goes numb - no matter how much I sit in front of the fire, I can't get warmer. In that situation, the things that get me warmer are uncomfortable activities that open my body's energy channels and release any unconscious tension that ultimately cause the internal coldness. These activities for me are deep breathing, yoga, qi gong, and cold showers.

As I stoke my inner fire and release bodily tension, I notice that I need fewer external sources of warmth. Of course, part of it has to do with the fact that my body's adapting to winter weather. But compared to last year, I have fewer perpetual cold spells. I can wake up, pull myself out of my toasty sleeping bag into the forty-degree room, and start the fire without any chills. I'm even doing fine with cold smoothies in the morning.

The reason I mention this topic is because I feel like my retrieving this internal source of heat is a reflection of my journey into manhood. The boy always needs his momma - someone (or something) to lean on and suck the energy without giving anything in return. The man, however, no longer relies on any external energies and produces his own for himself and his surroundings. The boy takes; the man gives. The boy needs; the man wants. The boy externalizes his mommy; the man internalizes and becomes his own mommy. 

This transition from boy to man is grueling. I feel like I'm being torn to shreds. I'm kicking and screaming on the inside as I continually let go of my external attachments. The Universe's big desires for me are superseding my little desires, so it feels like I'm continually not getting what I want, even though this process of losing is exactly what I need. The Universe wants to make something of this body and this life, so it's going to release everything blocking its way, whether the "little I" likes it or not.

The boy needs this stove; the man enjoys this stove. 

 

[jjer94]

square pegs and round holes.

Arrrrghhh! Time to walk the plank on this one. Dammit, I was hoping I could run away from myself just a little while longer...

Deep down, I knew that starting this health coaching program was not "hell yeah" for me. It was more a "Let's-do-something-so-I-don't-feel-like-a-loser-in-mother's-basement yeah". I spent a sluggish month deliberating whether or not to drop the large sum of money for the program. The fact that it took me so long to decide, along with the fact that my decision came from someone else's opinion of the program, demonstrates to me that my decision came from fear-based ego, not love-based authentic self. 

I've undoubtedly learned a ton about different diets, mind/body connection, counseling people, following the body's intuiton... but good lord, I am not a coach. I hate that word. Coach implies someone who arranges all of the logistics, who is passionate and oo-rah-rah, who is an excellent accountability partner... and I'm not that at all. I'm the one who slinks off towards that mountain in the distance and returns to drop off a bunch of goodies as a byproduct of personal transformation. I can hold space for people, but I don't cheer for people. I could care less about logistics and accountability...and quite frankly, the fact that someone would even need accountability shows that they don't want their desires badly enough. Personal transformation happens by yourself, with yourself.

Of course, that's my opinion, coming from an extreme personality. I recently discovered that my star sign is Aries, which explains my brash anti-herd mentality, my pounding square pegs into round holes, my competitive spiritual ego, my naive idealism, my extremist dieting, my struggles with relationships, and my solitariness. As I release those crusty egoic blockages, I see more and more this ram-like energy busting out of me.

A ram doesn't coach; a ram leads by example. That's why I gravitate towards songwriting, writing, and more solitary creative activities. I feel like I'm here primarily to document my own journey of awakening in artistic fashion, rather than try to guide other people on their journeys. A shame, indeed, that it took six months and a decent amount of money to figure this out...and I still have six months to go on this program. Who knows? Maybe things will change, and I can use this certificate in some other way. 

Reminder to self: If it ain't hell yeah, it's no. 

 

[Azote]

2 hours ago, jjer94 said:

Reminder to self: If it ain't hell yeah, it's no. 

Doesn't sound very long-term-commitment friendly 

[jjer94]

1 hour ago, Azote said:

Doesn't sound very long-term-commitment friendly 

For me, I find the opposite. The things I've been the most hell yeah about, I've sustained. I consider the hell yeah to be that inner-soul/higher-self/intuitive yearning. Of course, there will always be days where everything sucks and it's all hell no. But when the emotional dust clears, what remains is the hell yeah. It almost sounds too good to be true, which is why I love it. 

For less extreme idealistic personalities, I think you're right, though 

Be excellent