A Journey to Anywhere

[Azote]

23 hours ago, jjer94 said:

Not meditation, not yoga, not breathing - love. Without love, none of this self-actualization stuff (or life for that matter) makes any fucking sense

Man, I can feel it right now

[Natasha]

@jjer94 Hey there  Glad to see you're doing well and keeping up with your self-actualization. Keep up the good work!

Hugs

[jjer94]

@Azote  

 

@Natasha !!! Hi! Long time no see. Thank you, and likewise! XO

[jjer94]

3 hours ago, Marc Schinkel said:

You're both wearing cute smiles and giggles, talking about squirrels and Indiana Jones.

OMG, how the fuck did you know!? 

Your whole shpiel had me rolling. Well played. So happy for you, too, bushman! 

[jjer94]

wisdumb.

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Life is more alive than it's ever been when all the ideas of yourself are dead.
--Some dude

Quote

It costs a lot to have your worth validated; you spend 80% of your time and money for that sole purpose.
--Donald Dump

Quote

When life gives you lemons... throw those fuckers out the window and make grape drink instead.
--Dave Chaperone

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I don't always meditate. But when I do..........*Silence*
--The Most Interesting Monk in the World

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When you realize that you will always be a child, you will stop acting like one.
--Sri Peterch Nhat Phan

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"Yoga? I hate yoga."
--Pwn Star

 

[jjer94]

girls, poop, and gigs. 

Greetings, fellow Journeyers.

No, I am not dead! Maybe a little dead on the inside, though. This past month was a doozy, both emotionally and circumstantially. Lots of emotional triggers, but like everything else, you just feel through it. 

So, what have I been doing that's made me practically forget about this journal? A number of things:

• Gigs. Lots of them. It took five years to actually build the courage to perform music on stage, and it paid off. My stage fright is practically gone. I feel very comfortable onstage now. And people are beginning to notice my presence in general. I'm getting invites to private parties, different venues, and stuff like that. Every single week this summer, I've had an average of three performances. This is the first weekend where I have absolutely no gigs scheduled, thank Baby Jesus.
• Recording rough demos of my songs. If folk with high-consciousness themes piques your interest, you can check em out here. 
• Intentional community stuff. Though they've taken the back-burner for the most part, there's still stuff to do every day. I'm still wondering when or where I'm headed next.
• Reading lots of non-fiction. Like Conversations with God and Teal Swan's work. Aaaaaand how to achieve multiple orgasms as a man. That's a fun one  I'm still twerking up to it, but I'm close. 
• Songwriting. Because of all the other social media stuff and performing, I haven't had the chance to do as much songwriting. This week will be my golden opportunity. 
• Family stuff. Needs no explanation.
• A girl. With relationship mastery, I am an adolescent, which probably explains why I've avoided them for about a decade. I am deathly afraid of intimacy and abandonment, which creates this strange push-pull dynamic in me that throws me off my center and drives me nuts. It's like I'm needy and avoidant at the same time. I've already fucked up several times in this interaction with her, but she is super compassionate and quick to forgive, so that's amazing. Only now do I see the power of relationships as a tool for personal growth. Your significant other is your mirror for all of your triggers. I may write about this more in a separate post.
• Poop. No, seriously. Poop. 
• A combination of laziness and shyness. I'm usually a private person, and it's a strange change of pace for me to have all of this online exposure. Those who have been reading this journal since 2016 will now have the option to see my face with the link I provided, which is kind of unsettling. But hey, what the heck, let's just go for it. 

Will I continue to update this journal? Whenever I can or want. But I can't guarantee it will be as frequent as before. 

Cheers!

 

[Azote]

Damn, those songs are beautiful. I mean. Woah.

[jjer94]

@Azote @Marc Schinkel Thank you for the kind words, guys 

breaking the ice.

There's soooo much change in the air. It's coating my lungs like fucking car exhaust fumes - not so subtle and not always pleasant either.

For one, I made the break with this girl. I'm not going to disclose too much, nor am I going to talk shit about her, because there's not much shit to fling anyways. In fact, I have almost exclusively good things to say and gratitude to express for such a growth-inducing, challenging experience. These past two months have been an emotional flurry that never seemed to end. But now, the storm is settled, and I feel that things are back to normal for me, enough so to talk about what I learned. 

Here's a rundown of what I learned from this brief but fiery relationship:

• I have masculinity. My God, the movies make intimate relationships appear so easy. But for someone more awkward than a turtle and less charismatic than a brick wall, I really had to make an effort to come out of my shell. Which is great! I needed that. I needed to be bold enough to make the moves and call the shots, in order to prove to myself that I have that Divine Masculine within me, just waiting to bloom like a shit-stained lotus flower. 
• We live in different realities. I saw more clearly that we all live in our own realities, with our own unique narratives and beliefs. I had to be perceptive enough to be able to cater to her reality and speak to her in a way that she could fully understand me. There were times when we both got triggered and spoke from our wounded perspectives, which was incredibly revealing for me. 
• Needs are real. A few years ago, I thought I could transcend my needs for sex, touch, human connection, and being heard through spiritual practice. Now I see that that is spiritual bypass, and it never works. We are all human. We have needs that need to be met. And if they're not met fully, we will manipulate our reality to try to meet them in covert or off-handed ways. That's what neediness is essentially: the inability to admit or communicate your needs so you manipulate the other person to try to meet them. But through this relationship, I learned precisely what I want, need, and expect from an intimate relationship - so I can communicate those things clearly with my next partner and be less likely to fall into the neediness trap. Not communicating my needs and avoiding vulnerability has become more painful to me than communicating my needs and being vulnerable enough to risk loss of the connection. 
• Openness is important. I learned the importance of speaking the truth of my feelings as they arose. There were times where I didn't speak my truth, and it festered and made things worse in the long run. I learned that it's much better to be honest upfront, even if it hurts, than to withhold or lie in order to avoid conflict. 
• There is a difference between love and compatibility, and love is not enough. Love has so many definitions. There's the chemical rush of being in love with someone (i.e. chemistry), and there's the honor and respect you give someone where their happiness matters just as much as yours - and neither of those are solely enough for a long-lasting intimate relationship. There also needs to be compatibility - an alignment of values, perspectives, life goals, and level of consciousness. If there are compatibility issues, they need to be addressed, else the resentment will build on both sides. I wasn't entirely compatible with this girl. We're at different levels of consciousness at different life stages, which created a rift in my mind that was not worthwhile to bridge. That doesn't mean I still love and honor her, though, because I do. 
• Breakups are hell. I didn't realize just how strong attachment bonds could be, and what happens when they break suddenly. When I made the first break, it felt like there was this gaping hole in my life that she once filled. I was collapsed on the bed for the first couple days, unable to do much of anything. I felt such deep sadness and remorse. Oh, that's another thing! Nobody told me about the terrible remorse that happens when you break up! It's like you think, "That was the worst decision I ever made! I want her back!" When that's really a detoxification reaction that occurs in the body because it so desperately wants that connection again. Also, I realize that connection is more important than food or water, otherwise I would have had an appetite directly after it happened. 
• The codependency is strong within me. I grew up with little to no boundaries, and I never knew how to set them, nor did I have the capability to do so because I had such cripplingly low self-esteem. Now I see just how crucial boundaries are, as well as my tendency to want to obliterate other people's boundaries so I can "rescue" them or try to save them from their pain. But their pain is their pain, and I have to learn how to accept that. I also realize that my tendency to want to uplift or rescue other people is an external manifestation of an internal desire to rescue myself from my own pain. And I think that by rescuing others, they will give me in return the love I need in order to rescue myself. But I can only rescue myself. I can only be my greatest inspiration. Nobody can do it for me. Next relationship, I will be vigilant towards my codependency patterns. 
• Relationships are amazing. The physical and emotional intimacy that comes from romantic relationship is unlike anything I've ever experienced, and to me, it makes life that much more colorful and worthwhile. I see now why relationships are so amazing. 

This relationship broke the ice for me, and now I am thawing. I have nothing but gratitude for this girl for showing me all of my shortcomings, for being who she is, for bringing out past pains within me, and for having the courage to approach me the night we met. I am simply amazed at the Universe's mysterious power to catalyze my growth. 

 

[jjer94]

a journey to anywhere. 

This Journey to Anywhere is not really a Journey to Anywhere. There is a destination, but there is no set destination. Like an asymptote that just keeps going forever, never quite reaching the axis. 

The destination is Integration. I arrive at it every day, and I depart from it every day. I seek it every day, and I run from it every day. But the departing and running from it, is itself arriving at it and seeking it. 

Integration is taking all of the parts that have Two-ness and making them One. That is the process of Love. To push away the One and make Two is Fear. This is also Love, because only Love would allow such a thing to happen, so that the Two could play the game of becoming One again. 

Wherever I am, I am exactly where I need to be. There is no other possibility, and there are an infinite number of alternate possibilities, all of which are also exactly where I need to be. To be confused about this is to be rightly so; that is the point. Otherwise, the Journey would be Known, and then there would be no Journey. 

Whoever I am in this moment is exactly who I need to be in order to face the next opportunity for Integration. To hate who I am in this moment is exactly how I need to be in order to face the next opportunity for Integration. To not know who I am in this moment is exactly where I need to be in order to face the next opportunity for Integration. 

The Journey is perfectly orchestrated to show me my next step, if I so choose it. And if I don't choose it, then my not choosing is precisely my next step.

This Journey to Anywhere is really a Journey to Anywhere. 

 

[jjer94]

being the bad guy.

Life humbled the fuck out of me this week.

It made me realize how little I know and how little experience I have. It put me in my place. All of the masks are off, and behind them is a scared boy who wants his mommy. A boy whose needs were never met and still haven't been met. 

For the past several years, I used spirituality to run away from people and from life, just how I used video games to run away from people and from life during my childhood. I was and am so afraid. I am so afraid of connection, even though I am starved for it. I am so afraid of myself, even though I want to reconvene with myself more than anything else in the world. 

For the past few months I've wondered why I stopped caring about goal-setting and knowing what's next. It's because none of that matters. What I most want is the feeling of being comfortable with myself, and truly knowing myself. Where that takes me is secondary. I am so sick and tired of these stupid pretentious façades that I build to protect that scared little boy. I am ready to be vulnerable. I am ready to admit that I am terrified of life, I am terrified of intimacy, and I am terrified of death. I am ready to admit that I am in pain, and I am ready more than ever to feel through it, as I am doing now. 

I am ready to admit that I know so little, that I've experienced so little of life, that I just want to have the same routine every day so that I can stay in my safe little bubble. I am ready to admit that I hate myself for being this way. I hate being imperfect and fallible. I hate that I hurt other people without realizing it in the moment that I do it. 

That girl I've been dating this summer? Nasty break-up, we had. We ping-ponged for awhile, and then last week, things got heated. I won't go into too much detail, but I will say that it has not ended well. Both of us lashed out at each other. Out of me came a needy desperation I never knew I had. I didn't realize how deeply I would feel for this one. The tears and the emotional processing seem endless. I know I'll be fine, because I take these challenges as learning and growth opportunities and I am super grateful to be humbled, as painful as this is. I'm just more worried about her.

She doesn't do PD and is stuck in defensive mode, so it seems. No matter what I say, it will be interpreted through that lens. I've hurt her a lot with my emotional reactivity that comes out as a spiritual superiority complex (i.e. "I am so much more evolved than you. Here, let me send you blessings so that you can get to my level. Namaste!"). But I've even hurt her when I come from a totally relaxed, heart-centered place. So it doesn't matter what I say. In fact, saying anything else will probably hurt more than help.

Why all of this hurt? Why do I have to hurt other people in order to learn my own lessons? I just have this nagging mentality in me that I want to leave people better than before they met me. It's basically co-dependency. I want them to thank me, to be happy, to be well. I can't stand when I make someone feel hurt or unhappy or victimized. It makes me feel like the bad guy, which is not something I'm used to.

I've been learning how to be okay with being the bad guy through this whole ordeal. It's very unpleasant for me, as I grew up being the good boy, the straight-a student, the one without needs, the one who could just take care of himself. This is a tough part to accept. Sometimes, I do need to be the bad guy. Sometimes, I need to speak out against stuff, to stand for something, to speak my needs - even when other people disagree, even when other people hate me for it. I need to follow that inner heart-voice, because the pain of not doing so is beginning to exceed the pain of doing so. 

There's much more I can say (and probably will say) about my time with this girl, because my growth skyrocketed through this whole process. In the meantime, with my more relaxed nervous system, I shall explore new possibilities.

 

[jjer94]

seattle weather sunday.

Listening to the radio on a Seattle weather sunday
I hear the crackle of an old voice 
telling me not to worry -
that the sun will find its way 
through the bedsheets of clouds
and onto a blue platform
from which it can announce to the world
that the brightness of Truth
is always shining with passive curiosity.
but until then,
the forecast foreshadows overcast
bedsheets that tuck in the city for a noisy slumber,
and the floating black suitcases outside my window
make their way to the blue platform 
to board the tram.

 

 

Edited September 2, 2019 by jjer94

[jjer94]

changing others.

Quote

You cannot change other people. You love them the way they are or you don't. You accept them the way they are or you don't. To try to change them to fit what you want them to be is like trying to change a dog for a cat, or a cat for a horse. That is a fact. They are what they are; you are what you are. You dance or you don't dance. You need to be completely honest with yourself - to say what you want, and see if you are willing to dance or not. You must understand this point, because it is very important. When you truly understand, you are likely to see what is true about others, and not just what you want to see.

--Don Miguel Ruiz

 

[jjer94]

a new beginning.

Uhhh, howdy?!

I'm not quite sure what to write, so I will just write. This will be sloppier than sloppy seconds. Here we go.

I smoked the toad venom about a month ago.

I entered the fiery pits of hell that was my own psyche and uncovered the mount everest of pain that was hidden underneath the veneer of spiritual egotism. I flailed like a fish and sobbed like a toddler who was just abandoned. I re-experienced an in-utero trauma in which my mother was almost hit by a car while I was still in the womb, solidifying in my nervous system the fundamental belief that the world is not a safe place. I dry heaved as much as Gary in Team America. 

I finally understand the difficulty of becoming God. How immense It is, and how small I am. How I am deathly afraid of "the merge," as Walt Whitman put it. My nervous system was not ready for that zero-to-one hundred type of revelation, and I had to take several weeks to process the miles of guilt, shame, and grief that poured out of my pores like a waterfall. 

How naïve I have been, to think that I knew what spirituality really was. How I used all of that book knowledge to cover up my fear of not-knowing and separate myself from all of the "unconscious" people. How I used the spiritual ego to cover up my feelings of shame and insignificance. And how I projected that whole messiah narrative onto an innocent girl that only deserved my love, not my fearful manipulation.

I apologized to her. I told her that I wasn't looking for a response, that I hope the people in her life treat her better than I did, that I wish her health and happiness. It was genuine for a change.

She accepted my apology, I bawled, and that was that. It's done now, and I have moved on. I serendipitously met someone else during this time who is so much more compatible, it's crazy. I feel ready to receive this, and I am more prepared for my antics.  

My spiritual ego was obliterated after this psychedelic experience. The toad humbled the fuck out of me, to the point where I now feel like I can actually listen to people and take advice without subconsciously constructing my air of superiority. I feel more human than ever, more relatable than ever, and more connected with others than ever. I see that my journey is universal, my feelings are universal, and my life is universal.

To my ego, all of this feels like shame, death, failure, and the end of everything. To life, it feels like a new beginning.

I'm so turned off by "pursuing" spiritual practice nowadays or trying to "get there." I would much rather just live my life and let my interest in spirituality unfold organically as I get my human things in order.

Maybe I'll write a formal trip report at some point. But this is all I can muster at the moment.

In two weeks, I am traveling to the studio to record a full-length album. I don't plan to return to the community, and where I'm headed afterwards is up in the air. 

 

[jjer94]

dress-up.

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Selflessness means infinite character, not the refusal to be a character.
Matt Kahn 

For the longest time, I've secretly enjoyed dress-up. I love being in costume and impersonating other people. I love being stylish and outlandish. I love to become the characters in books, movies, and video games. 

I think the subconscious reason is because for most of my life up until recently, I didn't have a strong sense of self. I didn't feel safe or capable or worthy to be me, nor did I really know what that meant. All I had were a bunch of masks, coping mechanisms, and a pervading sense of emptiness that was like an itch that couldn't be scratched. Being used to that emptiness or depersonalized perspective, I found trying on different masks to be supremely gratifying.

Pretending to be other characters gave me pseudo-selves on which to stand. The issue was that they all had shoddy foundations, just like my own character.

The groundlessness of not having a strong sense of self destabilized my life. For awhile, I thought the answer was to lean into that groundlessness: Instead of trying to have a self, "kill" yourself and be without one. The McKennas, the Norquists, the Leo's, the classic Buddhist teachings, and countless others cater to that more traditional approach to spirituality. 

But that didn't work for me. It didn't scratch my itch. In fact, it made me feel even more isolated, more ashamed of myself, and more dysfunctional. How could I kill or transcend a self that I didn't even know or develop? I was really trying to kill the mask, my last vestige of any shred of sanity to function as a human being in this world. 

It was a game of psychological whack-a-mole. Just when I thought that I "made it" spiritually, the coping mechanisms and the emptiness returned with a fiery vengeance. My attempts to shut them down, to "silence the mind," to try all of the spiritual gymnastics moves only resulted in them getting louder.

At some point last year I said "fuck it," gave up on becoming "enlightened" altogether, and allied with ego instead. I listened to those inner demons and acknowledged their pain. I became them, burned in my own hell, and continue to do so. Why? Because I can feel things again. I can feel my needs, my preferences, my desires. I feel my sense of self getting stronger and more stable day by day. I feel like I'm coming alive. And right now, I'd much rather have this than pursue some lofty enlightenment. 

Being totally okay with what I am and where I am right now is scratching that itch. The coping mechanisms have little reason to hang around, and the emptiness is filling with time. 

I think I now secretly enjoy dressing up as myself...whatever the hell that means. 

 

[jjer94]

the ephemerality of everything.

I just had a visceral realization of something I only knew in the mind. 

The ephemerality of everything. How my wanting or needing something, and the fulfillment of that wanting or needing, will never be enough. No matter how much I try to make one particular thing last...it doesn't and it can't. Life must keep moving. The good, the bad, the exciting, the boring...all of it comes and goes. 

You can read about the idea of impermanence in Buddhism, a Dr. Seuss book, or a Pinterest board. You can understand the concept and play with it in experience. But directly grokking the idea of impermanence is heartbreaking. At least to me, it is.

After half a lifetime of staring in front of screens, I've yearned for deep connection with someone. That happened recently, which has been incredible. But no matter how hard I try to hold onto it, it doesn't last. My struggling to hold onto it, I notice, creates an insanity within me that wants to repeat the same old needy patterns and habits to hold onto it again and grasp harder, expecting that that is the solution to avoiding the black hole I feel in the pit of my solar plexus.

It's my codependent patterns that have brought me to this deep, body-level realization of impermanence and the futility of needs gratification. 

I just need one more kiss, one more flick of the eyes, one more embrace, one more text...yet another addiction. From video games, to overachieving, to codependency. Another way to numb the grief of not having my needs met early on, the grief of losing parts of myself, the grief of a little child stuck in psychological stasis for timeless years. The grief that childhood is over, and I must grow up.

I also learned recently that I can't accept loss exclusively in the mind. I must go through the grieving process in order to accept it in my body. 

The most loving thing I could do for her, for myself, and for the world right now is to grieve this. To let the reality of impermanence and the pain of loss exorcise the neediness out of me, bit by bit. 

 

[jjer94]

@modmyth LOL! Thank you for sharing 

I love the metaphor of the hamster wheel. Reminds me of this quote:

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A big misconception in the self-help world is that being satisfied with the present moment and working towards one’s future are somehow contradictory. They’re not. If life is a hamster wheel, then the goal isn’t to actually get anywhere, it’s to find a way to enjoy running.

Mark Manson

 

[jjer94]

raspberry jam.

Howdy guys. It's been awhile! Here's a little update. I'd like to delve into more nuanced topics at some point and work on my writing chops, but this is all I've got at the moment...

Honestly, too much has happened over the past month or so. It feels like I'm a mason jar, and Life just fuckin' packed me full of jam till I'm overflowing with raspberry decadence. No doubt, raspberry tastes delicious - but too much raspberry can make you go a little crazy. 

Here's a sampler of that raspberry jam...

I recorded an album with the help of a professional producer and musicians. It turned into a cross-pollinating, multi-genre epic centered around grief, childhood trauma, opening the heart, and self-actualization. And during the recording process, I turned into a frenetic, disorganized, stressed-out mess. I'm still kind of a mess. A good mess, though. 

I heavily underestimated all of the tasks that go into releasing an album. The marketing/social media side is literally half the battle...a battle I really prefer not to fight. But it's important, so I'm doing it anyway. I think the social media stuff is stretching me more than the album creation, because it's triggering a lot of jealousy, shame, and abandonment issues in me that are ready to be processed. 

I'm getting my own place. Finally. Living in community was perfect for where I was, and so was living with the parents...but I feel ready to have my own place. Wish granted from the Universe, because a friend referred me to a landlord who has a place that has my name written all over it. The next task, and my most challenging one, is to...

Find a day job. I've been avoiding this reality for a long time: In order to support myself and my art, I need side income. The day job has been a huge trigger for me. Ever since my friend committed suicide halfway through my college career, I established a subconscious resistance against institutionalized work. I've always disliked being told what to do, but now that dislike is the worst it's ever been. That's why I've avoided day jobs for years. The only one I had that lasted six months at a time was dog walking. Instead, I've done a lot of work exchanges, like the one on the road trip, and the most recent one in the intentional community. 

I'm ready to face this reality now. I'm ready to truly support myself. I think it will be very empowering for me when I accomplish this goal, because it will cut my ties of financial dependency. Of course, just as important is doing the inner work of claiming energetic sovereignty...which requires more grieving.

Speaking of grieving. Lots of that lately. I've been using breathwork to process all of the crazy things that have been happening in my life. And waves and waves of grief are releasing. In order to really grow into the person I want to be, I need to grieve childhood. I need my nervous system to realize that that era is over - that I am an adult as much as a child now. And adults can take care of themselves. 

Relationship. Yeah, that happened. And it hit hard. Besides family members, I don't think I've never felt so deeply for someone in my life. It's not even intense feelings, just the sincere wish for this person to be happy and well. It's way deeper than the previous relationship.

This has truly been medicine for me. We're both into PD, so we do the work together whenever we're triggered. I've flexed my vulnerability muscles, and so has she. Even so, we're taking it slow - and I'm extremely grateful for that. Just so grateful and appreciative in general for this opportunity and this person in my life. 

Spirituality has taken the back-burner. My experience in the summer with 5-MeO and my recent experience with the golden teacher has shown me that self-transcendence must yield to self-integration. I can't sit in my room and meditate/read for hours anymore. I can't escape being human. I have wounds to heal, emotions to process, and things to do in the world. I'm following my heart now, and my heart says - be human. Have an ego. Be afraid, be vulnerable, get triggered for little things, eat rich food sometimes, don't beat yourself up for missing a day of meditation.

The mushrooms also encouraged me to start an exercise routine that brings me joy, in order to ground myself in my body. Almost instinctively, I started running. I've been doing it for a few weeks now in the snow, and I love it! I look forward to seeing my chicken legs turn into tree trunks 

So how about that raspberry jam... All great stuff, just a lot of it! I've got to remember to lick my lips sometimes.

I hope all y'all are doing well. Take care of yourself this holiday season. ?

 

[jjer94]

human dog training.

I really don't like the dictionary definition of discipline anymore: "the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience." 

The entire sentence has this underlying connotation of resistance - as though in order to discipline someone, you have to force them against their will.

That's what I used to think discipline meant - basically dog training. I have to force myself to do something I really don't want to do in order to attain some reward in the future. In this perspective, the assumption is that I would much rather sit on the couch and eat doritoes all day than pursue "higher" aspirations. So in order to "fight" that urge, I have to train myself and "watch" myself repeatedly so the laziness demon doesn't overtake me once again. 

For years I did this human dog training. Deep down, I really fought the urge to be hedonistic. If I could, I would sit on my ass all day a la Jabba the Hut. Yet whenever I had the chance to be Jabba the Hut for a day or two, I'd feel even worse than before. 

A couple years ago, I reached a point where I was both miserable when I "disciplined" myself and miserable when I sat on my ass. It was a Sisyphean struggle to do this meditation and eat that way. Life felt like this big-ass burden of checklists to cross...for what? To become more conscious? What does that do? Where am I going with this? What's the point? 

I crumbled on my bed in emotional turmoil. I realized that doing stuff for some future reward, while nice, can't be the primary reason for doing everything, because to live for the future is to live for a place that doesn't exist. All there is, is this moment, in all its boring, angsty, uncomfortable anticlimacticness. And I can either totally commit to this or check out.

In the falling apart and facing my pain in this natural turn of events, I realized that discipline is not about the reward at the end. It's about showing up. 

Discipline requires no punishment, because ultimately, I have no ultimate destination, agenda, or outcome - except for remembering what it means to show up in every moment. Showing up and choosing to fully experience whatever is in the present moment is my only discipline to master. 

With this shift in perspective, my discipline is softer, more light-hearted, actually desirable, enjoyable, and much more preferable to being Jabba the Hut. 

 

Edited December 17, 2019 by jjer94

[jjer94]

coming clean.

I am currently lounging on a carpet that looks like it's from the 90s in a house by myself with two adorable old geezer dogs. 

Thank heavens. I am so grateful for this housesitting opportunity, as I can go to the family holiday festivities during the day and be here alone for the evenings. I need this alone time to recharge from the adrenal shitstorm that has plagued my body and mind this past week. 

I haven't been doing too well, to be honest. I mean, I'm okay, but I'm not okay. To my body, it feels as though my world is coming to an end. And in a lot of ways, it is. The changes have been abrupt, and the emotions have been running wild. Here's a sample platter:

In less than a week, I'll be moving into my new place, an actual furnished house with above-poverty-level amenities. I still haven't found work, but I met with a job counselor and am in the process of applying to places that don't necessarily excite me. In the relationship department, my own neuroses are sabotaging things again and bringing up a lot of guilt and shame. And in the family department, I'm considering the implications of estrangement. 

My brother and I got into a big fight the other morning, and it unleashed a lot of pain for both of us. I exposed my truth in a really unproductive way. I was subconsciously pushing him away. But he saw through it and said stuff that broke down my walls. I bawled in front of him - something I've never done before - and he held me through it - something he's never done before. It was one of the most beautiful, intimate, cathartic experiences I've had with him. 

I expressed the fear underneath the anger and hurt. I told him I am genuinely afraid of becoming so different in values and worldview from the family that I will be ostracized and estranged. I'm afraid of losing the familial parts of my identity. I see the trajectory of my self-actualization, and I see how my personality will no longer mesh well with the family, and I'm afraid of complete rejection.

And underneath all of that fear...was shame. I told my brother that I am ashamed of being so different, of spending my entire life starving to find a shred of belonging, only to be rejected most of the time. I am ashamed of being so arrogant, self-absorbed, and pioneering, because it doesn't mesh well with most people. I am ashamed of being myself in a world made for the exact opposite personality.

Instead of being blunt or harsh with me, he sympathized and listened as I processed all of these vulnerable emotions right in front of him. We apologized for hurting each other, and now our connection is even stronger and deeper. 

That moment was incredibly healing. It felt like I came clean from a lie that I had been holding for years. Waves of relief washed through my body as I realized that I was being loved more for exposing this side of myself, which was the opposite of what I expected.

For the longest time I've been pushing my family away because I figure that I can evade my own shame by rejecting them first before they reject me. That's one of my prime defense mechanisms: Push away people in order to avoid conflict, dependence (i.e. asking for help), and triggering my own shame.

But now I see that if I want to live a life centered in the heart, I need to drop my defenses and come clean. I need to healthily express my anger, my hurt, my fear, and my shame to the ones I love. I need to ask for help where it's needed. I've reached a point where I love myself too much to not do these things. If they can't respect and accept the new me with new boundaries and new beliefs, then things will have to change. And that's okay. Change is okay. 

Adulthood is on the horizon, and every last vestige of childhood is being released with every teardrop.

This is no longer a Journey to Anywhere. I'm actually going somewhere. 

 

[jjer94]

the jarring gravity of Real Life®.

Quote

“How is it possible to hold on and let go at the same time? I don’t know that I can even answer that question now, but I do know life with God exists somewhere at that intersection.”
Jonathan Martin

I'm spent.

In the beginning, I was so excited for self-actualization and spiritual awakening. I thought it would be like a walk in the park because of how passionate and disciplined I am. Just do some new habits over and over and wham-o, a new shiny self that has a private jet and meditates like a boss and is loved by millions of people for doing some super creative work that helps raise the collective consciousness. 

It's funny how the mind projects my self-actualized self, thinking it has a say in how things will turn out. That projection's getting squashed, day by day, by the jarring gravity of Real Life®. Nonono, in order to create, you need to spend more than half of your day doing other things you're less passionate about in order to have food, shelter, and running water. Nonono, in order to have a soul mate, you have to realize that they're a person too, with needs and desires of their own, and you need to actually listen to their perspective, take it to heart, and think about their well-being, too. Nonono, in order to have a friend, you need to be a friend. 

Nonono, you don't make it out of this self-actualization journey alive. You are not the one who enjoys the spoils of the inner work. You are transformed from the inner work. You will not recognize yourself in the mirror after doing this work long enough. Nonono, life is not separate from this work. The events of Real Life® coax you to do the work, day after day, and you can either go with it or resist the whole process. Oh, and you can't really control whether you go with it or whether you resist it, because that's a part of the process, too. And by the way - everyone is on this journey, not just the people who are aware of it. 

I guess I'm one of the stubborn personalities that resists this awakening process to no end. It's so funny how I thought I was on board with all of this stuff. It's like I signed a contract before I even knew what it truly entailed.

Maybe that's the point though. Maybe that whole "soul contract" idea is a real thing, and the reason we sign up to live this Life thing is in order to go through this process of resistance and surrender, resistance and surrender - because it's by living this process that we can actually truly embody the qualities that inspire us, like humility and respect and love and compassion - the qualities of a unified consciousness - and truly understand what it means to be One. And no matter how many times some guru says "let go" or "stop searching" or "tat tvam asi," that doesn't grant us a get-out-of-life's-pain pass. 

This reality sucks to the person writing this right now. But then again, it doesn't, when I look back on all that I've been through, and how it's shaped me into the psychologically pre-pubescent kid I am today. I mean, sure, I ought to win an award for "Most Triggers in A Single Week" or "Most Melodrama for Part Time Work." But damn...what I was before all of this, before my friend's suicide... I don't even know what that was. 

So it's the end of the year, and I'm spent. All this Life stuff has squeezed the resistance out of me, and I'm just plain tired. Time to reflect on the decade, my intentions, and plan a new chapter. 

I hope everyone's holiday season has been delightful, and I wish you all health, well-being, and peace on your journeys. <3

 

Edited December 28, 2019 by jjer94