A Journey to Anywhere

[jjer94]

a year in review.

Quote

"Nobody knows anything, Joe. We'll take this leap, and we'll see. We'll jump, and we'll see. That's life, right?"
-Patricia, Joe Vs. The Volcano

This past year was action-packed and transformative in the best ways. Here's what happened:

• I lived in an intentional community for more than a year
• I worked through massive triggers around entitlement, socializing, and people in general
• I saw through the illusion of fame and hierarchy by working with a gentle, wise old man
• I stopped playing video games entirely, with the realization that it was my intentions behind playing them that was unhealthy, and not the video games themselves
• I got an IIN certification for health coaching
• I've been eating plant-based without effort or willpower for over a year after intuition told me to eat more fruits and veggies
• I started songwriting again after a half-year hiatus
• I went to open mics again after a long hiatus
• I played in a school variety show, which sparked the interest of venues around town
• I gigged for the first time at said venues and overcame my performance anxiety
• I started posting demos of original and cover songs on my facebook page
• I recorded an album in a professional music studio
• I entered a short-lived karmic relationship in the summer that dissolved long-held codependent patterns around being the rescuer
• I took 5-MeO-DMT, re-lived an in utero trauma, dry-heaved grief and shame out of my body like it was day-old pizza with anchovies, and realized how little I know about myself and about life, which humbled the fuck out of me
• I took the highest dose of mushrooms that I've ever taken, yipped like a coyote, learned that sexual orientation is a nuanced spectrum, realized that my sense of self is more of a mosaic with multiple personalities than a singular entity, and realized that I'm hardly ever in my body and need to lovingly bring myself back into my body
• I started a running habit without effort in November to help bring myself back into my body
• I started a back-unmangling habit to work on my posture and dissolve knots in my back
• I met an absolutely amazing woman who I am now dating who gives me strength, courage, and the privilege to genuinely appreciate another human being, as well as reflect back to me all of the ways that I do and don't love myself so that I can grow into the greatest version of myself
• I sat through some of the darkest, most profane self-hating thoughts I've ever received from my mind and somehow survived
• I realized the inevitable futility of self-hatred, which gives me more compassion for it
• I realized that my nervous system is awakening to the truth of reality, not my mind
• I learned that the journey of awakening is not a journey of trying to get there, but of bringing awakening to here
• I realized that I have a lot to learn in the self-love department
• I realized that it's okay to have sexual desire and preferences
• I learned the true power of emotions, as well as how to feel them without acting on them
• I grieved buckets
• I got over my fear of vomiting
• I had difficult, vulnerable talks with my family members that went really well in the end
• I moved (yesterday) into a hobbit house that is perfect for my needs as well as my stature

My new years resolution last year was to come out of hiding, and that I most definitely did. 

I look at 2020 with a mixture of excitement and terror. The parts of me that are ready for the new life are excited, while the parts of me that still run on self-hatred, coping, and conditioning are shaking in their boots. All part of the process, I suppose! It's like, what the heck else am I going to do besides this life?

God is always waiting. But so is my Higher Self. 

 

[jjer94]

@Marc Schinkel  Been listening to this song in the car a lot lately. The only thing that bothers me is the "Da da da da" part. Come on, Tom. You couldn't think of any other lyrics? 

Thank you for sharing ??

[Samuel Rdz]

@jjer94 how are you doing man? Are you still posting somewhere ?