Repeating Pattern in New Social Groups

[UDT]

Hello, I am currently trying to figure out how to beat one of my greatest demons 

--> Bonding and forming meaningful relationships with guys in social groups

--> Being myself in groups and not trying to preserve harmony as my one and only goal

I move a lot around due to my work, and thus met a few completely new social circles in the past 2 years.
Now there is a repeating pattern every time and I can´t stop.

I meet new people, or get introduced into a new circle of friends who know each other already. First, it goes good, I ask a lot of questions and we talk a little, go out together etc. all good. Now I evolve into this silent person who is kind of the "caretaker" of the group, so I will help people, and look after them but stay very in the background when I see everyone is doing good. Its like I am the silent Momma of the group (thats what it feels to me).

This is sort of the problem: 

*  I have some good foundations in body language, behavioral psychology etc. so I notice things pretty fast. During my teens, my main objective around my family was to keep the water from boiling, thus I had to be very sensible to mood-swings and peoples feelings. It is also kind of a trauma. If I hear a the mood swing in a group setting or two people crushing into another, I get very uncomfortable and try to switch topic and counteract it basically. I might drop something or do something negative, just to ease the tension. I basically cannot get emotional at all around a social circle, but very icy.

* I notice the sometimes toxic relationships between the people in groups I join etc. (For example if the best friend likes the girlfriend of his friend a little to much). Or I ask some questions and then I get a sense for the value system of this person (according to Spiral Dynamics), and it just makes me a little disconnected from the real person because I put him or her into a box already. On the other hand, it also could be that I perceive those things wrong, but I wouldn´t know. So far I think I was mostly right. It´s really not hard to see the second and third layer personality behind the fassade, because the fassade tells you exactly what the person wants you to see and not to see. 

* Yes in reality, no one is perfect, everyone has their baggage but I cannot let loose, I just developed an eye for it in a way and it haunts me. Am I neurotic? Yes I think so, but how to stop? How to chill just be yourself without adapting yourself to the situation..?

Now what happens in the "initiation phase" of the social circle game 

1. Because I am completely new to the city and don´t know anyone,  I think I should be very agreeable and try to get along with all the guys, thus I find myself in the position to be a sucker, meaning that it is not so much important that I point out my personal opinion on every matter, its more like if I see it different, I rather stay silent and move topics.

2. I dont want to come across as rude, so I kinda laugh off everything instead of also confronting people (in a playful way ofc) Being accepted is sort of my only objective, and I am completely fine with everything else that happens. I go with the flow so to say, because in my mind, I dont really care about this whole social hierarchy games, but then I end up this guy who is there or not there, but is not really memorable, or does not really add value, idk.

3. I want to make everyone feel good.

4. I see the flaws of people very fast. I then try to ignore them but I cannot really form a good relationship with a person once I see that they are needy, or jealous, only fake-listen when I talk, don´t like it when I talk about positive things about myself, or fake the interest etc. 

5. If I talk to a person 1on1, I mostly ask questions about their interests, so we converse about that. I dont wanna talk about myself, because I think it could make the other person jealous etc. (e.g. when I have a pretty good job and a degree and the other person is working in a grocery shop, I feel very uncomfortable talking about my job etc.)

6. Then, If I find a person which I find cool to hang out with and interesting, I start un-proportionally strong liking this person, and then have to be careful not ending up to be a people pleaser.

--

It is kind of as I am loosing myself in the quest for friendship and meaningful relationships. And that is exactly why it is not working so well..
I feel like I am way to picky and see it very black and white. So its either a very good friend, or I cant even properly talk with that person on a personal level. 

 

So ultimately I end up being sort of liked by everyone, but unable to form deep and meaningful relationships, or I find a friend in 1/20 people I meet, and then its this 1on1 friendships apart from groups. 

 

What is wrong people?
 

 

[Athena]

Story of my life. 

Following

[UDT]

*prayerhandemoji*

Edited October 2, 2018 by UDT

[CreamCat]

What is your life purpose? I don't see you talk about life purpose.

[Pernani]

How can you analyze yourself so good? I find myself doing these same behaviors unconsciouly, hell im still very unconscious abt a lot of the other bs I do when interacting socially.

Maybe its helpful to know whats the purpose behind social relationships and why we crave them so much, why do we want them ? And how do we want them to be?

[Psyche_92]

Mooji explains it beautifully in this video:

 

[Your place at Heart]

On 10/1/2018 at 7:43 PM, UDT said:

Hello, I am currently trying to figure out how to beat one of my greatest demons 

--> Bonding and forming meaningful relationships with guys in social groups

--> Being myself in groups and not trying to preserve harmony as my one and only goal

I move a lot around due to my work, and thus met a few completely new social circles in the past 2 years.
Now there is a repeating pattern every time and I can´t stop.

I meet new people, or get introduced into a new circle of friends who know each other already. First, it goes good, I ask a lot of questions and we talk a little, go out together etc. all good. Now I evolve into this silent person who is kind of the "caretaker" of the group, so I will help people, and look after them but stay very in the background when I see everyone is doing good. Its like I am the silent Momma of the group (thats what it feels to me).

This is sort of the problem: 

*  I have some good foundations in body language, behavioral psychology etc. so I notice things pretty fast. During my teens, my main objective around my family was to keep the water from boiling, thus I had to be very sensible to mood-swings and peoples feelings. It is also kind of a trauma. If I hear a the mood swing in a group setting or two people crushing into another, I get very uncomfortable and try to switch topic and counteract it basically. I might drop something or do something negative, just to ease the tension. I basically cannot get emotional at all around a social circle, but very icy.

* I notice the sometimes toxic relationships between the people in groups I join etc. (For example if the best friend likes the girlfriend of his friend a little to much). Or I ask some questions and then I get a sense for the value system of this person (according to Spiral Dynamics), and it just makes me a little disconnected from the real person because I put him or her into a box already. On the other hand, it also could be that I perceive those things wrong, but I wouldn´t know. So far I think I was mostly right. It´s really not hard to see the second and third layer personality behind the fassade, because the fassade tells you exactly what the person wants you to see and not to see. 

* Yes in reality, no one is perfect, everyone has their baggage but I cannot let loose, I just developed an eye for it in a way and it haunts me. Am I neurotic? Yes I think so, but how to stop? How to chill just be yourself without adapting yourself to the situation..?

Now what happens in the "initiation phase" of the social circle game 

1. Because I am completely new to the city and don´t know anyone,  I think I should be very agreeable and try to get along with all the guys, thus I find myself in the position to be a sucker, meaning that it is not so much important that I point out my personal opinion on every matter, its more like if I see it different, I rather stay silent and move topics.

2. I dont want to come across as rude, so I kinda laugh off everything instead of also confronting people (in a playful way ofc) Being accepted is sort of my only objective, and I am completely fine with everything else that happens. I go with the flow so to say, because in my mind, I dont really care about this whole social hierarchy games, but then I end up this guy who is there or not there, but is not really memorable, or does not really add value, idk.

3. I want to make everyone feel good.

4. I see the flaws of people very fast. I then try to ignore them but I cannot really form a good relationship with a person once I see that they are needy, or jealous, only fake-listen when I talk, don´t like it when I talk about positive things about myself, or fake the interest etc. 

5. If I talk to a person 1on1, I mostly ask questions about their interests, so we converse about that. I dont wanna talk about myself, because I think it could make the other person jealous etc. (e.g. when I have a pretty good job and a degree and the other person is working in a grocery shop, I feel very uncomfortable talking about my job etc.)

6. Then, If I find a person which I find cool to hang out with and interesting, I start un-proportionally strong liking this person, and then have to be careful not ending up to be a people pleaser.

--

It is kind of as I am loosing myself in the quest for friendship and meaningful relationships. And that is exactly why it is not working so well..
I feel like I am way to picky and see it very black and white. So its either a very good friend, or I cant even properly talk with that person on a personal level. 

 

So ultimately I end up being sort of liked by everyone, but unable to form deep and meaningful relationships, or I find a friend in 1/20 people I meet, and then its this 1on1 friendships apart from groups. 

 

What is wrong people?
 

 

You are simply the most coolest and amazing person. You listen more, You hide people's flaws, You ask people about themselves, You are agreeable until something serious you can't agree upon, You laugh off topics and insults and allow people to feel comfortable around you, You like to please others which is not a bad thing. You go with flow and let things slide, You make others people love themselves and they in return share your invested love back with you. Nothing seems odd about you at all. You are advanced social guy. I on other hand, I can't keep my mouth shut, very confrontational, joke too much, I can come sometime as very aggressive and jerk and this has empowered and served as disempowering force to me as well when I deal with professors, officers, managers or any person of higher ranking position than me it almost got me killed and costed me so much valuable relationship at that particular time, but true friends remained. Your way I believe is very powerful to make friends but it can attract so much fakers and people with extreme emotional disturbance. You can make diagrams of your problems you need to tackle and work on them. I can learn from you and you can learn from me.

[universe]

Forming deep emotional connections & being yourself pretty much contradicts with only caring if people accept you.

That doesnt mean you have to tell everyone that you dont like what they like. Just dont lie. You can always agree on the fact that you can understand their perspective and thats it. If they ask your opinion say it.

Polarization is a great tool for filtering people to your personality.

For example, by not letting people know your high paying job, yes you are not triggering their low self-esteem and they dont become jelly. On the other hand you just assume that they cant handle it and ultimately your dishonest. You might understand that many people do not want someone in their life who thinks little of them and is dishonest.

You could say that with this behaviour your not filtering out the poeple that dont fit your current personality/lifestyle (low self-esteem, jelly) and alienate those that you actually want to connect with (cool/happy with their job, happy for you).

Do you see how your behaviour leads to this exact outcome?

 

I find asking questions is a great way to connect with people (what you already do), dont be afraid to ask deep/personal questions. Make sure to ask yourself these questions and you have good stuff to talk about.

[YaMayka]

Out of experience I may say that you may have some issues worth looking into - repressed anger (there will be quite some of it, you most likely do not let yourself express it and probably have lost touch with it) and you might have lost yourself a bit - what you like, what you want, who you are, mainly because you are used to pleasing others and always doing what they want to do, tuning to their feeling and needs that you might have lost your own. It is worth looking into what has made you the way you are - maybe relationship in your family? trying to deserve love of your parents, sibling? you were the sensitive one and were protecting yourself by becoming invisible, mimicking other peoppl's needs? someone in your life was very easily "explosive"? What made you a peacemaker? Try to untangle it? Did you blend with someone more with the others?