I realized the detoriating effects of my mind

[Tistepiste]

I think I figured out how my ego keeps me trapped in the monkey mind at every chance it gets.

Basically, when a "bad" situation happens, which causes stress (denying of what is), a huge endless loop is created.
Making me think about the situation over and over again, until it is resolved.
When it is not resolved, it will just keep looping and looping.. Until I can let it go.

I have a very hard time with letting go. Why? Because I don't find a reason on why to let it go.

I realize it has very bad effects on me, both mentally and physically.
It hurts my heart, literally, and a feeling of intense stress all over my body. But still. I keep on feeding those thoughts.

I never understood why they kept coming back. I know the thoughts are bad, I know they are "just" thoughts, and that I should stop giving them energy.
But somehow it is stronger than me.. In every way..

A therapist told me this could be due to "autism", "ocd", "adhd", or "anxiety". Maybe I have all four of them; whatever. I frankly do not care.

___

Now I came to the realization on why they keep coming back. It's because I want to give energy to the thoughts. It's as if they are important for me.
For example, I would think "let's stop thinking about the thought". Then I'm like..
But why should I stop thinking about it, they are important, they are valid. They are a representation on how you feel, so by having thoughts, you can understand yourself and the situation better. When I don't manage to understand the situation better by thinking over and over again, I think more and more until I feel like I understand it... Which actually leads to understanding nothing at all. But just puts me deeper in the cycle.

It's like I am always trying to look for answers that aren't there, but somehow I convince myself that they are. And that by thinking, I can find peace.
When I stop thinking about it, I feel threatened. It's as if, NO. This isn't over yet! You haven't fully resolved it for yourself yet! You must think more in order to do that!

But this goes on for ever, and it keeps me trapped in this endless loop.
 

Basically now, I am much better at it, thanks to meditation too, and just realizations in general. However, right now I still have an active feeling of underlying stress. Still shortage of breath. The pain in my heart is gone though.
I am not sure how to stop this tense feeling of stress. And that's where the thoughts start again.
Because I know where the stress is coming from... It's still energy left from the negative thinking? So .... The loop starts again.
Because I will start to think about the negative thoughts again, trying to rationalize them with the goal in mind for the negative feeling in my body to stop.
But this is just a vicious circle... Because the one is responsible for the other and back and forth..

In the end, It's all thoughts. And I know this. But apparently, I don't believe it yet.

 

I am trying to do meditation by focusing on breath and body energy. But sometimes this feeling is too overwhelming. Any other insights? Advice?

 

[i am I AM]

Advice: Anything you can do keeping the feeling from being overwhelming. Mantras are my miracle: Om mani padme hum, Ek ong kar sat gur prasad

[Shin]

For how long do you meditate and try to stay focus on the present moment during the day ?

You're describing the experience of 99% of people on this planet, albeit maybe in a more extreme version (but essentially the same).

Don't panick, you are conscious of it, that's already a HUGE step.

It will take time but your mind will still itself.

[Nahm]

5 hours ago, Tistepiste said:

But why should I stop thinking about it, they are important, they are valid. They are a representation on how you feel, so by having thoughts, you can understand yourself and the situation better.

Maybe tweeking the perspective on that....would shed light on this....

5 hours ago, Tistepiste said:

However, right now I still have an active feeling of underlying stress. Still shortage of breath.

 

 

I would consider that thought is very different in nature than sensations, and that thought is makes up a story to make the sensation fit the existing understanding / paradigms. Thought doesn’t help thought. The sensation is the experience of the relativity of the truth that you are, and the false thought(s), or perspective in which  you’re looking at some person, some circumstances, or your own capabilities. 

So, rather, look at the sensation as a direct communication or message, on it’s own, directly from your higher self. Choosing a thought that feels better, aligns with all that you are. In the long run, your continued practices, and discovery of deeper truth through inquiry, will reduce the thinking, realize a great spaciousness,  and enhance the alignment / connection with the rest of you.

Another way to say that is the ego is kept alive with thinking, and when you start tapping into knowing the sensations directly, ego will throw everything at you to get your attention. It is exactly as clever and as tricky as you. It can be hard to face, to be aware of how clever and tricky we are, but that is how the devil is transcended. One devil at a time. A personal excorsicm here & there is all part of the proccess, and worthwhile. 

[Tistepiste]

@Nahm Wish I could meet you one day so that we can have a good and long talk

[Nahm]

@Tistepiste Me too.  I have a Socratic conversation I’ve been having with people, awakening oriented. Been looking to possibly start doing it via skype. Might not be what you had in mind, or the right timing. Hard to say. 

[dorg]

7 hours ago, Tistepiste said:

It's like I am always trying to look for answers that aren't there, but somehow I convince myself that they are. And that by thinking, I can find peace.
When I stop thinking about it, I feel threatened. It's as if, NO. This isn't over yet! You haven't fully resolved it for yourself yet! You must think more in order to do that!

But this goes on for ever, and it keeps me trapped in this endless loop.

The I that thinks it can find peace, the I that stops thinking, the I that feels threatened - That I is also a thought and thus part of the loop you talk of. That I is only what you think you are, it is not what you actually are outside the loop. You are not a self-image, a thought of what you are. You as you actually are cannot be defined.

7 hours ago, Tistepiste said:

I am not sure how to stop this tense feeling of stress. And that's where the thoughts start again.

The stress, the tension, is the very splitting (fragmenting) or defining of yourself via thought. And once you (undefined) go into thought it is endless - you find yourself in endless situations - all situated IN thought.

7 hours ago, Tistepiste said:

In the end, It's all thoughts. And I know this. But apparently, I don't believe it yet.

No it is not all thought and no belief is not the answer. Only everything other than awareness/nothing, ie true-you, is thought/imagination/belief. Stay as this nothing and observe the world of thought - the world we all think we live in. You are not actually in that world, you as awareness/nothing are merely observing it. This world happens by itself.

[Tistepiste]

@Nahm Somtimes i feel like my ego is way too clever / tricky for me.. It is a master in keeping me in its loop, it's actually scary.. I don't know if I am clever enough to be smarter than my ego, if that makes sense.

Why would it not be what I had in mind (about skype)? Awakening oriented conversations are very interesting

 

@dorg Makes sense. Wish I could put it to practice in a better way

Edited October 2, 2018 by Tistepiste

[Evelyn]

I was also dealing with some obsessive thoughts, a mild form of OCD. A crazy person like almost everybody . I got much much better with meditation and basically not giving them attention, starving them off. In my case is worries about the future. What if this happens and then looping around trying to find imaginary solutions to imaginary problems . Even though they come into my mind I don't care about them, and if they are persistent I might focus on breath. After some time of not paying attention to them they become less. 

One night I asked my dear mind: why you keep thinking the same thing like a zillion times? The answer was quite funny: If I don't think them I have nothig to do, if I have nothing to do I do not exist... That sums up the mind. 

[Nahm]

@Tistepiste Yes, the ego is as clever as you +1. It can not be beat, must be understood.  Skype sounds great, I’ll pm ya in a couple days and maybe we can pick a morning. 

[Tistepiste]

@Evelyn I'll try focussing on breath. Actually seems like a good method.

[Hellspeed]

Stop trying  

[Nahm]

@Tistepiste How’s tomorrow morning, 10am Eastern time?

[Tistepiste]

@Hellspeed What do you mean?