This endless wanting is going to kill me...

[kieranperez]

Over the last few years I’ve noticed my wants and desires both increasing and also diminishing. The goals, the ambitions, all of these are truly at a point where they’ve almost collapsed but also are crazier than ever. I go through each day asking myself “what do I want?”

• What do I want?
• What do I want to do with my life?
• What do I want to do with my day?
• What do I want to do?
• What impact do I want to have in this world?
• What do I really want?

I come up with different answers all the time. I feel pissed off to the point of rage at myself and my circumstances that I’ve created which leads to a deeper feeling of being stuck. Until now I realized this game. No matter what I want, what vision I create that just so happens to keep changing day to day where I then feel like “no that’s not it”... 

It’ll never be enough. The wanting (wanting something to do, wanting to be special, wanting to create something special, whatever it is) will never stop.

The only time I truly fe authentic truly challenged is when I’m doing consciousness work. Not because I’m working towards enlightenment. At the same of the day, I don’t know what enlightenment is. Sure I have conceptions and theories but none of those things at the end of the day really mean anything so long as I don’t know what that concept is actually talking about experientially. The reason I have this relationship with consciousness work is really for one reason: I’m working towards what’s real. It’s literally the process of saying ‘I’m not running away from this anymore.’ It’s hard because I fucking suck at this. I have no concentration at all especially now that I just got off 17 years of being prescribed adderall, struggle sitting still, I shake, am screaming in my head, I can’t breathe properly or relax my breathing, my vision starts to shake like crazy, can’t stop swallowing spit, etc.

The only thing I know is that this isn’t going to end. This whole “what if I did ___” game isn’t going stop. I feel like in need to surrender but tbh I don’t know what that means on a practical level. I don’t even want to date anymore. I have no desire for this stuff anymore. Every time I get these desires I just start to really see through them when I slow down and ask ‘is that really what I want?’ Then I see the hollowness in all of these wants, cravings, etc. It’s just me looking to escape suffering which is causing more suffering. At the core I don’t want to be anything. I guess it’s more of a desire to be true. Real. Nothing.

[Joseph Maynor]

Samsara is Hell.  This is because Maya is always changing and has you tail-chasing to try to figure things out, not realizing that Maya is an illusion.  Release from exactly your suffering is what Moksha is.  You express the suffering so well in your writings.  Clinging to Ego is Hell.

Edited September 30, 2018 by Joseph Maynor

[Shin]

It's the most frustrating stage, it's gonna pass eventually ?

[bejapuskas]

@kieranperez  This is a shift between some stages of spiral dynamics. They call it the beta stage. You can either be depressed more or evolve, the choice is yours  

[Arkandeus]

4 hours ago, kieranperez said:

It’s hard because I fucking suck at this. I have no concentration at all especially now that I just got off 17 years of being prescribed adderall, struggle sitting still, I shake, am screaming in my head, I can’t breathe properly or relax my breathing, my vision starts to shake like crazy, can’t stop swallowing spit, etc.

Hey man you have to keep things in perspective, this is pretty intense

Did you consider getting off the adderal slowly? With smaller doses, no need to jump the gun

[cetus]

@kieranperez This may be of help.

 

[dorg]

On 9/30/2018 at 7:16 PM, kieranperez said:

I feel like in need to surrender but tbh I don’t know what that means on a practical level. I don’t even want to date anymore. I have no desire for this stuff anymore. Every time I get these desires I just start to really see through them when I slow down and ask ‘is that really what I want?’ Then I see the hollowness in all of these wants, cravings, etc. It’s just me looking to escape suffering which is causing more suffering. At the core I don’t want to be anything. I guess it’s more of a desire to be true. Real. Nothing.

@kieranperez Your real desire has been granted, you are nothing. Now, don't spoil this by thinking - thinking you are something somewhere. This is surrender - there is no practical level left to surrender - the world is now unfettering, surrendered, set adrift, not involving you as nothing - it is all going on and you as nothing are simply observing it happening as it happens.

You were trying to get to this unsuffering 'place' via thought. That would never work - as you can see now that you are not anything.

That world (the world we all think we live in/on) is composed entirely of thought/imagination. One step out of that thought/imagination and now there is simply awareness of it, not involvement in it.

Oh the loveliness of this.

 

With best wishes,
 

[K VIL]

I rescind my last message to you my mans

Instead: take it one day at a time.

Edited October 2, 2018 by K VIL