Endless ayahuasca trip

[Arkandeus]

Last year in january I engaged on a ayahuasca trip with a shaman who hosted free ayahuasca sessions at his home.

The trip was quite hard, it consisted mostly of energetic suffering but after a certain point, redemption was attained, the trip became consistent with visions and insights and divine states of being.

That shaman, wanted me to become an ayahuasca shaman as well, he gifted me with the necessary plant material to brew my own ayahuasca and he gifted 2 small bottles with ready-to-use ayahuasca enough for one extra as soon as I got home.

As soon as I got home I was indeed quite excited to have one more trip of ayahuasca, it felt like I was on the tip of the divine, the edge of divine and sacred realms, I could go there and perhaps finally find the energy to open up my heart to cure my social anxiety which is at the root of my depression and empty-feeling life.

I toke a normal dose, and because I had only just done an ayahuasca trip I worried that it wouldn't be enough, that I'd be too tolerant to the effects, I somehow compared mushrooms to ayahuasca, I was foolish, I knew that my past experiences with dmt proved that it was the opposite the more you do the less tolerant you get. In another way I felt brave, so I toke a normal dose and a half, 1.5 dosage

The trip was the most horrible and difficult trip and difficult moment of my entire life,I couldn't have ever imagined that life could feel this vividly bad, I landed in pure hell, I was on the edge of killing myself save for having managed to call 2 friends in the middle of the night to come pick me up before I jumped into the city canal to end it all.

During the trip I finally understood that one horror story, about that one guy in England or America who did drugs and ended up tripping so bad he ended up attacking his own girlfriend and eating her face up. I could comprehend how one could be so pushed so far, how volatile and organic madness could push one so far, in that moment I felt sad for that guy but the psychological hell of feeling like I'm drawing dangerously close to being able to do the same thing had me heading straight to the canal to kill myself. I had discovered my greatest fear and hell, it is not talking to girls, nor getting hurt physically, it is ending hurting someone else badly despite my own will. It was a matter of saving other people at that point of the trip. 

And that was only 3 hours into the trip, luckily my friends came over to pick me up, they were 2 strong lads and I could focus on making it through the trip without worrying that I'd end up hurting anyone, my physical body was in safe hands. I tripped the whole night hellishly, and the next day the trip continued with moderate to severe intensity till the end of the day.

My advice for those who do ayahuasca, do it in daylight, you have more energy, both physically and mentally,especially in case the trip is hard, do it with multiple friends, so that you don't have to worry about your physical body, in the case that you lose absolute control you want morr then one person to be able to handle your physical body at its unconscious superstrength. It may not seem obvious at first, but its there in the back of your mind, you cannot let go fully if no one sober and trusted is watching your physical body.

After that day my life changed forever, constant visual and energetic waves of tripping, in retrospect I've been tripping everyday for the past months. In variation to my activities, states of being, thoughts, meditation, perhaps this is enlightenment but I haven't really read in this forum or anywhere about people who encounter daily changes on the level of a moderate lsd experience everyday.

Somewhere it feels my enlightemment is guiding me through this madness which really feels like one long non-stop ayahuasca trip, for the past months I had to quit about 3 jobs because I couldn't hold them down like this. I had to be mindless as much as possible most of the time, my own thoughts would send me tripping into bad places, only recently has it improved and I have effectively recuperated my mind.

The city which used to change every few days visually is changing at a slower pace now. It is still impossible for me to be out at night, any activities being out at night in this city that I live in, friends or not, once its night time I lose all my energy, and if I push it I'm left with a depression that sends me on the borders of suicide. Night-time is deadly for me at this point

I had social anxiety before, now I had periods where anxiety flared so much it was pure hell going to the supermarket doing groceries, passing by people on the streets I had to literally sometimes brace my abs so that I would not be swayed too much by the anxious event of a passing by someone that is walking in opposite direction of me, just to brace my own body, to keep control of my own walk, as if a train passed me by.

Feeling people's emotions a thousand fold, great anger and a wide array of emotions let me get over my anxiety, which is good, except now I seem outlandishly confident, even alien and now it seems everywhere I go people notice me, but even worse some people fear me, or are intimidated.

I know that I intimidate no one who's intentions are with love, these good souls don't fear me, throughout this ordeal I seem to be in harmony with life. I seem to be employed lately as a merciless reflection, a punisher of some sorts.

Anyone with an ego, who thinks they are stronger then others, who measures others powers, when they meet me and measure my power they meet their own aggression right back at them pure and unfiltered. I know not what these people feel when they see me and try to measure me but I know it is now they who wobble when I pass them by, who can barely walk straight anymore,it is they who fear

People start racing me by on the streets or weirdly almost charging at me, changing seats in public transport, trying to keep an eye on me, grown men, grown women, everyone with an ego gets it.

And I would feel guilty, making people fear in the city, literally sweating in fear,I saw one guy and he looked like he thought I was about to murder him. I never wanted this I felt like a monster at times..but then I noticed the only people getting scared are the snobs, the intimidating tough guy type, the women and men with ego, who think they're somehow better then everyone else.

Somewhere I feel it is people like them with selfish hearts who get on on having an advantage over others who have made it so hard for sensible timid souls like me to live on this earth.

I never thought my light work would amount to this, breaking ego's of snobs and intimidators and judgers

Well somewhere it feels good, like justice being delivered, these people only meet the violence and aggression that they project onto others.

To measure someone' elses power is aggression, defense is offense, offense is defense

Those who focus on being stronger then others, will meet the reflections thats coming to them

 

That is how my enlightenment has evolved in an urban setting, hopefully my ayahuasca trip will slow down more and more till I can have a normal life again

What has maintained my sanity through these months is no doubt the belief in love, life has let it presence and love be felt many times, for that I'm grateful

 

 

 

 

[dorg]

@Arkandeus When some people see you as aggressive or similarly reflecting back to them how they are, do you notice a change in your normal demenour; ie do you notice that you are not responding as you normally would, such as using aggressive or overly assertive speech?

[Barry J]

Nothing enlightened about that mate. Sorry but I say that out of love; hope you get better soon

ps it’s not about the dose with such powerful substances, other factors come into play

Edited September 30, 2018 by Barry J

[Haumea2018]

This is why I always warn people.

Don't be stupid with this stuff.  

Do it under qualified supervision.

[Haumea2018]

Hood Mysticism Scale.

Interesting.

Thanks for posting that.

[Haumea2018]

I've taken strong psychedelics, successfully.

When I mean "successfully" I mean as far as the outcome/aftermath, not necessarily all pleasant trips. (In fact, none were pleasant.)

So I'm speaking from experience.

What kind of expertise would satisfy you?

More expertise than someone who hasn't done them, certainly.

I also know how incautious a lot of people are when it comes to this stuff.

I've talked to people who've had bad outcomes because of it, similar to Arkandeus.

As far as I know, nobody on this forum is an "expert" if by that you mean a medical researcher.

I have friends who are shamanic providers now as well.

There's a lot of benefit to be had through ayuhuasca and iboga, e.g., but you totally have to be an adult when it comes to this stuff.  These are not toys.

 

 

 

Edited September 30, 2018 by Haumea2018

[Arkandeus]

@Outer

Interesting information, thanks for sharing

@dorg

Quote

Arkandeus When some people see you as aggressive or similarly reflecting back to them how they are, do you notice a change in your normal demenour; ie do you notice that you are not responding as you normally would, such as using aggressive or overly assertive speech?

 

I've had times where I effectively was under ptsd from the heavy anxiety as Outer mentioned, and at rare times I'd be wrong about this pre-feeling and I was simply projecting inner fear, but as I got over my anxiety and my own fear stilled, I turned out right more and more all the time, and now I just know and feel most people emotional states as I feel mine.

I want to say no children have ever been afraid of me, hell they seem curiously interested in me sometimes, and rarely do I meet teenagers who show fear. Once we get to adults though, I feel like stepping out into the city is like stepping into a battlefield. 

Feeling this puts me in a very tense state, I can't help it really, I become really intense just trying to hold these feelings, and on this example, a person heading towards me feels this unconsciously and gets even more fearful, and I magnify my intense state, I don't do anything voluntarily, their own feelings of distress are so powerfully felt I just become intense the same way you start sweating if its too hot.

I tried to stop it but its like trying to stop your heart from beating, it just happens, and so it becomes a feedback loop, all this in an encounter of a couple of seconds on the streets. Writing it like this it does really feel like a sort of shamanic process, or some kind of energetic light work, and that with random people on the streets in a city, the ayahuasca trip seems so active that life will bring anyone who needs to experience a psychedelic event to me.

This certainly does not happen consistently, certain people pass me by and absolutely nothing happens, just a dull and peaceful passing by, one of many millions in a city setting. 

I do become overly assertive in my speech when I'm in that more intense state of reflection. All these months going through flared up volcanic anxiety left me with a sort of ptsd at first, then came the more intricate understanding of power in this world

I was too kind in this world, I must be a recent young soul on earth, arriving expecting a spiritually harmonious emotional social system where there is no need to defend oneself, where kindness and trust is enough to get going, why is there ever any reason and right to get angry or aggressive to someone? 

This was my motto since I was a little kid, in the years of my youth, pretty much my first two decades, I had only gotten genuinely angry at someone two or three times.

This year goddamn, my anxiety left me like an emotional cripple, and I was pushed to the edge of being able to even perform basic duties like going outside and doing groceries, I had to get angry to push past whatever was holding me down.

I thought I didn't care about people judgements, and that as long as you don't try to voluntarily sabotage or inflict physical harm to a fellow human being, you're free to think and look at the people in whatever way you want. You're free to judge, stare, leer, think whatever, that's the space I granted to other people, with love.

But I started to get it was other people's judgements holding me down, attacking me, assaulting, restraining me in non-physical way. Violence does not start at a physical action, it starts way before with aggressive thoughts and perceptions. A country does not suddenly break into civil war, there is an emotional war, a non-physical ones,which escalates until it finally manifests into physicality.

What is violence? When does it begin? How do I recognize it? These questions helped me get over anxiety.

People who judge you, and look at you badly are assaulting you energetically, they're trying to suck your energy out and tie you down. Tough guys try to measure your power, they're basically trying to figure out if they could kill you if it comes down it, no physical act has been done, but energetically these guys are throwing wrecking balls and daggers your way

At risk of sounding like a caricatural sjw, security guards triggered me big time, they used to win the fight they sought most of the time, leaving me with a sundered state of being. Bad security guys try to intimidate you instead of trying to keep a peaceful vibration, they are violent themselves. These fucking chumps think they're the shit standing at the entrance of stores intimidating everyone, they made it so hard to enter any store for me, you'd feel them scanning you, tracking you, under the guise of doing their jobs they're using the opportunity to energetically assault people. I despise this horribly

They would win most of the time, confident in their heaps of muscle, nowadays though, I put these bastards right back at their own place, they feel how insignificant, weak and pathetic their power is when measured to the power of life and universal harmony, they have muscles, and I have the very atoms of reality at my side, because I have no side, ultimately if you're stronger then most men, life will find inhumane ways to reflect your evil, life always finds a way, and the arms with life can never be won.

It is the same with Americans and Soviets in the cold war, with noblemen and noblewomen in France at the time of the revolution, you can get as powerful as you want, hold nuclear weapons, enslave men and women while you live in castles, nothing will stop your fear, nothing will let you rest, life always finds a way for those who want to make it forcefully and without harmony, thats a truth we all know deep inside, and what you dish will come around to get you, we're all one, to hold someone down is to hold yourself down

I have found newfound respect for openly transgender people who in my opinion might be strongest beings walking on this planet. I always felt a certain strength from these people, now I really understand it.

The problem with judging is that its very subtle, its harder to defend against it, or more appropriately to close of your energy to it, you can't be outside constantly scanning people's expressions like a madman or madwoman, to see if they're judging you, you develop the sensing with instinct and experience, trust in your own feelings.

It takes a lot, to really break through social norms. At this point I can't forgive anyone who tries to judge and outstrategize others, if I did not overcome my anxiety with great anger I'd have killed myself, I was nearly unable , very close to not being able to cope with modern society anymore, I really was on the edge, I felt like some wild beast, all this time I had to be mindless just to cope with my constant trip and people were judging me aggressively, seeing my struggle judging me, staring at me, I was down, struggling, at my weakest, I had no mind to rely on and still people made it acutely worse, pushing me. 

Anyone who judges me in my eyes is trying to kill me, I take it nothing short as that, it is the truth of my experience, so I get as intense as to defend myself as if my life depended on it, and from this constant tripping my empathy is on permanent lsd level if not more, I can immediately tell who's judging me, they don't even need to be looking my way, one second, one look and I can feel what brewing inside.

My vision through all this tripping has expanded to a sort of 180° degrees view, where I can see with almost 80 percent sharpness what is happening on my left and right about 10 feet from me while I'm looking directly in front of me.

So I can literally see smartasses trying to look at me and track me down thinking I'm just some weird yet intimidating goofus who's staring off into space. Its one of the things that I hate the most.

Ever since my vision evolved friends have noticed that I look as if I'm daydreaming, which translates to everyday people thinking I'm some sort of mindless absentee, a circus freak free for all to see, like a mentally handicaped person who's so far off the scale he doesn't even know he's the brief subject of people's vain entertainment in the everyday passings of life.

Except I'm not, I'm present and I feel these people, things like that helped fuel great anger and ultimately a presence that reflects all aggression

I realize I may sound like a madman who's seeing his own folly everywhere he goes, but I reassure anyone, and most probably myself, it is always the same type of low vibration people who get in trouble with me.

My constant tripping has also brought me wonderfully magic moments with people in the city. I've noticed the good men and women who give the space to others to live, who radiate love into this world, they gave me hope and made me believe in humanity, ultimately,  a loving society is possible, I see it in these people, we can get there together

Edited September 30, 2018 by Arkandeus

[Bryan Lettner]

@Arkandeus I feel ya brother, I can relate.  Had a 6-8 month hangover of morbid doom feeling every day after a couple bad ayahuasca trips.  Fear of sleep, lots of weird and bad stuff.  The good news is it goes away completely after a year or so.  My theory is it just throws the brain chemistry out of wack somehow, in a somewhat traumatic way, and it just takes time for the brain to recover.  (seratonin syndrome, or similar). You should restabilize and be back to a healthy baseline with time.

[Arkandeus]

@Bryan Lettner wow dude, thanks! This really gives me hope, glad you're out of the loop , normal and healthy baseline life for the win

It feels like I'm very slowly descending on earth again

[Bryan Lettner]

@Arkandeus And you can also use any feelings of "madness" or mania or overly intense feelings as an opportunity to practice "non-adding".  A resigned "it is what is is" attitude.  Not resigned as in complacent or defeated, but accepting, in a peaceful way.  Like you know that adding more angst into the mix won't help, so you can try to just relax and let it be.  (easier said than done). This works the "manual override" muscle. And tempers you against any future stress.  So when you feel any ayahuasca weirdness, remind yourself that it will pass, and try to force-reframe the situation as an opportunity to practice peace amidst turbulence.

[Nahm]

Meditate and go through your fears. 

All of this is thinking. 

 

[Arkandeus]

@Nahm

I have meditated my friend, it is the only thing that kept me sane through endless waves of energetic sensory changes

I still meditate everyday, so that I always see things from an empty space, only recently do I have the luxury to really start thinking again.

When people pass me by on the streets they start coughing, humming, at rare times I even noticed men spitting on the ground as I walked away, people crossed my way, charged at me,started pretending, turning their bodies away from me as they passed me by as if something incredibly interesting was happening elsewhere 

I realize these everyday people dealing with ayahuasca energy in their life, that is why I do not take these events personally, they were sorta tripping, in hindsight perhaps through me ayahuasca is reaching people it never would get into contact with, maybe this has been my soul purpose on this earth, it feels like this might be it actually...

I used to be a normal average guy on the streets, no one seemed to even notice I existed and frankly I was extremely glad with that, I liked to keep to myself in peace. I never sought this, this is not thinking, this is unfolding in reality

I have many more examples but there is nothing to prove really, as long as we can all evolve together towards peace and harmony!

@Bryan Lettner

I fully agree, it is good you remind me of that, thus far it felt like I spend 4 years lifetime in 8 months, not resisting what is and embracing it is the only way to cope

Even if this all ends in 4 months to me that might as well be 2 years more of this,I'm in this big time, I will accept it as it is

[Nahm]

@Arkandeus

5 hours ago, Bryan Lettner said:

@Arkandeus I feel ya brother, I can relate.  Had a 6-8 month hangover of morbid doom feeling every day after a couple bad ayahuasca trips.  Fear of sleep, lots of weird and bad stuff.  The good news is it goes away completely after a year or so.  My theory is it just throws the brain chemistry out of wack somehow, in a somewhat traumatic way, and it just takes time for the brain to recover.  (seratonin syndrome, or similar). You should restabilize and be back to a healthy baseline with time.

 

4 hours ago, Arkandeus said:

@Bryan Lettner wow dude, thanks! This really gives me hope, glad you're out of the loop , normal and healthy baseline life for the win

It feels like I'm very slowly descending on earth again

Look at this little apparent causation here. 

What changed?

 

[Arkandeus]

@Nahm

What do you mean?

[Nahm]

@Arkandeus

What someone posted appears to have completely turned your perspective around for the better. ?

But, what actually just happened?

Where is the meaning taking place?

[Arkandeus]

1 hour ago, Nahm said:

@Arkandeus

What someone posted appears to have completely turned your perspective around for the better. ?

But, what actually just happened?

Where is the meaning taking place?

I am being honest in my humanity, for some reason I want to share the horrible and hard aspects on my experience first and extensively, Bryan's post helped me express my positivity on this ordeal, it is already here , it is why I made it so far, being very positive.

Poetically this thread reflects my experience so far, a loooooooot of hardship and small boosts of hope and positivity here and there to keep me going

[Bryan Lettner]

@Arkandeus Yea, typing it out/ writing it down is one of the most therapeutic things.  Helps to process the experience and digest, without triggering much of an emotional response.   Some other stuff you can try:
-Herbal tea, L-Theanine, tart cherry juice concentrate, sauna or ice bath, and healthy distractions like actively cultivating a skill.  Practicing or working on a project.
-One mental crutch you can lean on is the fact that there are so many natural herbs and supplements available (and pretty cheaply for the most part), that you could try a new one every single day for the next 4 months, and even if one doesn't help at all, you can feel reassured knowing that you haven't yet exhausted all your options. 

Also I talk about my ayahuasca experience on my youtube channel if you're interested. 

[Arkandeus]

@Bryan Lettner

Listening to one of those videos right now, I think I might try L-Theanine, I have read about that supplement in the past.

I'm also considering taking a multi-vitamin, any thoughts on interactions with what?

 

The spiritual notion of letting go of all control seems quite flawed now, it is exactly what happened during my trip and these past months. Control is vital, in order to let go you also need control, it is a paradox, you need solid ground to from which you launch into space.

Total loss of control is pure unrefined chaos, it is unconscious, it requires nothing of you, control itself is freedom, is choice, is as vital to creation as is letting go

This is why set and setting,shamans and friends are so important to psychedelic experiences, the greater control there is the greater the letting go, although it feels quite vain to write about psychedelics now, I never intend to do them again

[archi]

@Arkandeus rape and/or sananga can stop trip into infinity (in my case it was rape but you are far away as I've been ),  , maybe you should try it in the morning to stabilize your state during the day

Edited September 30, 2018 by archi

[Arkandeus]

@archi

I have done a bit of research, it seems that both have indeed the potential to reset energy, but they also seem to enhance effects related to plant medecine, it does seem like rapé has certain strains with more specific effects

Although I will not risk enhancing the effect , the safest bet is to slowly let my brain off psycho-active plants  once and for all, and let it return by itself to its own mental ecology, if I were to seek another shortcut again I would have learned nothing from my initial disaster trip, but the more options one has the better, thank you!