I'm 25 and still emotionally manipulated by blue family.

[MikeT]

There is this one thing that's holding me back more than any other in my life.

    I've been emotionally manipulated by my parents and sister ever since I can remember. They are deep in stage blue in Eastern Europe and I was raised to be the same religious nut, racist, homophobic and hater of all other cultures. But at around 18 I found self-help. .

Now I'm 24 and live in UK, and I am somewhere on the road to yellow.  Usually everything is great. I ignore most stuff that comes from my family, I focus on my development, I've found my life purpose, I am in a great relationship with a girl who's also going through Leo's videos and am the happiest i've ever been.

However I am going back for 1 week to renew my National ID  and i seem to be having bad dreams that reflect how much I hate going back there. 

The main issue is that my parents love me.  They suffer whenever they see that I am not like them and so this issue has come. Whenever I am my authenthic self, they suffer and whenever I am wearing a mask to make them feel better, I suffer within because I hate not being myself and being honest. It's completely against my value system. But it's also against my value system to make other people suffer so I can feel good. But I know the correct choice is just to be me and not take the blame for their suffering. At least logically I understand but emotionally I'm still chained. Since little I had to figure out how to live with them without angering them and deal with their emotions. I've felt responsible for how they felt and they knew how to use that against me.

Last year, I had a really bad argument with them when they visited me. After that I didn't give a fuck anymore because they annoyed the shit out of me and for once in my life I did not feel guilty for anything. But then my sister begged me to call them and talk to them since they were supposedly both in deep depression, crying and taking anti-depresants all the time.

I've tried talking with them but hearing that they might have been wrong in some aspects completely shatters their reality. It's like i'm destroying their world so obviously they turn very defensive. My father even shouted at me to shut up. They're not bad people. I see them as stupid kids scared of the world who are trying their best to survive even if that means hurting others.

I guess all in all, I'm failing to cut ties with them because I don't want to hurt them. I've explained it to myself that it's ok since we only talk like once a month, and I visit once a year at most, but I feel myself scared of going out there changing the world not because of other people might think, but of what my parents might think if they see it.

Any advice to get my emotional self over this rut? Thanks

 

[John Iverson]

Haha eat some mushroom and see what you are saying here..  this is my 4th microdosing mushroom,.. and i see what is your problem.. that 's my problem also... a higher level of consciousness you can start to see where are you and you can also see from that what do you want to do

[Michael569]

As someone from Eastern Europe also living in UK, I can kinda understand your struggle. Our countries are yet to climb on the spiral ladder, although I see a lot of Orange influx already. The thing with family is that sometimes for generations we have been fed the same culture, same values. From parent to child and to their child. These value systems are so deeply engraved that a threat such as one of them "turning yellow" and coming with completely foreign values is incredibly terrifying. Blue people also have a tendency for emotional manipulation such as becomming depressed and sad as you described in the email. I see this as very selfish reaction although in their case it is unconcious and masked as love. I get this from my family a lot. 

You can decide to love and accept them as they are, they are very unlikely to change. Eventually they will learn to do the same for you no matter how blue-minded they are. It has been the same for my family. They don't agree with many of my decisions but learned to accept them. 

You can tell them something like: "I love you all but it would make me very happy if you could support my decisions, whatever they are." And than, I guess spare them of as much detail as possible in terms of your meditation practice, self help, veganism, atheism..whatever it is that you are doing that compromises their values. 

 

[Colin]

I've got an unconventional answer.

I had a snag where I would get upset when interacting with my family, then one day I started playing a fighting video game. I got really focused on it for like a half hour and really tried to get good at it. In this game, you have to be quick to deflect against attacks, dodge at the right time, know when to strike, and timing is very important (like life). I had fun doing it, but was also challenged. Kind of like a flow state. Then I went and met my parents and the usual stuff that came up that would bother me , pretty deeply sometimes, I just slapped it away like it was nothing. I was quick to respond. I left the same interaction that would have left me feeling upset previously, feeling pretty great. 

Of course, no violence was involved, I was very sweet and cordial, but mentally I was stronger in important ways

There is precedent for this.

The last few chapters of this book make the case for something like this.


 

https://medium.com/@choysauce/how-fighting-games-can-help-you-deal-with-the-chaos-of-life-d832b7bd9e3d

 

"By improving in the game, you are demonstrating that you have the ability to improve your situations in your personal relationships, your career, and your personal growth. It’s a lifelong process that we’re all going through no matter how seasoned anyone is considered to be.

It may seem farfetched that something like video games can help you with things in your life, but I can say that in my own experience it definitely has helped me. So I hope that something in these musing ends up helping you as well.

And some of you may think that you’re not improving or that you can’t, but that’s a total lie (that we can talk about in another article). Keep fighting the good fight and when you look back you’ll see how much stronger you’ve grown and leveled up in the game and in life."

 

[Hellspeed]

Tough one dude. 

Meditation and time alone to recover.

[Shadowraix]

You aren't the cause of their suffering. They cause their own suffering. By trying to project their own image of how you should be onto you instead of accepting the reality of who you actually are.

If you want to maintain relations then personally I would just be neutral about everything. If they try to protest then ask them to let you spread your wings. That if their path truly is the right path for you, then you'll find such a path.