Single vs. Taken duality: Relationships don't make any sense.

[XYZ]

My skepticism of relationships started out as an ideology: At the end of 11th grade high school I learned about communism in history class, read The Structure of Scientific Revolutions and also Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. Being an outsider unaware of "hookup culture" it seemed dating was a process by which two people entered into an arrangement to be each others' exclusive sexual property. When girls rejected me, it was always because either they had a boyfriend or didn't see me as boyfriend material. I applied the ideas I learned in those books to relationships: Labeling monogamy as the "privatization paradigm" of sexuality, guys with girlfriends as unethically privatizing natural resources (girls) for their own exclusive enjoyment, and I sought to undermine the privatization paradigm and live in a society where everyone belongs to everyone else, no one would be obligated to have casual sex with another like in the book, but monogamy wouldn't exist, and there would be abundant, free flowing physical intimacy, everyone would feel loved, no one would be deprived of cuddling. 

Next year I read some of my first books on non-duality, don't remember which ones, but maybe The Tao of Pooh, and Zen and The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. The concept of a middle path supplanted my ideology, since it transcended the black and white concept of relationship status and belonging. This was applying non-duality to dating, completely dissolving the single-taken dichotomy, and what I was left with feels like a conceptual black hole where I have no idea of what a girlfriend even is, because it doesn't even exist. I could never refer to anyone as mine in a possessive sense because I know that no one belongs to me, and any "relationship" is the actual process of relating and being together with someone while it is happening, not something I can "have," let alone have exclusively to myself. 

But after moving beyond seeing ones' self in terms of single and taken, there is a sense of being whole and complete as is, not missing anyone, not needing another person to belong to, not being romantically and sexually needy towards other people. Believing the 'privatization paradigm' was living with a false sense of incompleteness, and one that could not even be satisfied with relationships. Relationships work best between people who are already whole and complete, not from a desire to relieve neediness, but to see if you can be even better together. In Neil Strauss' latest book The Truth, which I often recommend for people in relationships, he confronts the reality that monogamy is not always natural, and you can't own people, going on all sorts of sexual adventures to find a paradigm that works, and ultimately finding none, he and his now wife freely choosing to be monogamous. So it is certainly possible to be with a partner exclusively, or have multiple partners, causal flings, and anything else you can imagine, since it's all relative. 

Like I said though, for me personally, I have no concept of what a relationship should be at all, the possibilities are so infinite I don't know where to start, and I know I am never entitled to have intimacy with anyone, and even if that happens, there is never a guarantee it would be exclusively us. Monogamy doesn't feel natural to me, but neither does non-monogamy, I don't know, I have no idea, and hardly any experience- my default mode has usually been alone. I never make any moves on women because there is no ultimate goal to pursue, I can't try to "make her mine" because that concept doesn't exist to me, and I don't want to use anyone as a means to an end, but to enjoy being with them in the moment. It can be deeply satisfying just talking to someone while looking into her eyes, beyond that I'm not quite sure what I'd want, except cuddling, that I always want. I made a separate thread about that 

 

 

 

 

 

[Shadowraix]

My first time taking MDMA I had this realization about love have no real restriction to a single person. I also saw these intimate agreements with labels to be these invisible strings that bind people together. People are often cautious about the forming and breaking of these strings enough for them to not really be truly open and honest about how they feel. One of the things to me that felt the most natural is to get rid of such strings. You just hang out with and enjoy people as you and said person wants. Come and go as you want. Connect to the degree you want. We always try to fit your connection to someone with labels like a 'friend' or a 'girlfriend' etc but it can be more nuanced than that.

So maybe it is you seek this sort of free flow path with building connections with others? Some may call it polyamory, others may call it that + open relationship, but I find the lack of such labels allows one to be more authentic to how they are feeling/ 

[XYZ]

Yes, I don't label relationships. A moment of connection with someone, like a close intimate embrace, getting lost in each others' eyes, or smiling and laughing together is as real, deep and true as anything that ever was, or ever could be. I really don't care if anyone thinks they "have" a bf or husband, and won't delude myself into thinking I can have anyone all to myself physically, emotionally or otherwise.

But I avoid doing is actually making a move, usually this line I don't cross is going for a kiss. Cause once that happens I feel like I've left the realm of just being fun and playful, plausibly deniable innocent flirting. And then I feel anxious trying to figure out what the relationship dynamics are, or what I'd want them to be, instead of just enjoying the experience of being with her, unlimited, undefined, expecting nothing of each other.

It's not that I'm afraid, I just don't know want I want, because I have no relationship paradigm, and the possibilities, and people, are unlimited. I have no interest in having children, partaking in the institution of marriage, or even any sexual activity since my desire to continue long term no-fap/semen retention is far more important than relationships. So there is no end goal for me to pursue in intimacy really, except to commune with the feminine having more cuddling in my life I guess.