Inner Drive and Ambition Finally Feels Dried Up...

[kieranperez]

Title pretty much says it all but I’ll elaborate a little bit. 

Ive been going over the life purpose course a few more time, have come up with so many different visions and keep thinking of all these possibilities that seem kinda cool and exciting but really what I’ve noticed inside me now is that, in reality all the things I’ve been passionate about just seem hollow now. As I’m doing enlightenment work, meditating, etc. and even before the enlightenment work altogether I’ve noticed just how much my passions are dying and now I’m confused on what to do with my life regarding the direction I take it. Every time I really sit down with a vision I start to feel deep down I get this sense of ‘this isn’t what I really want. Then another vision comes up, same response. Every time I sit alone in nature I just have this feeling of wanting to be absolutely nothing... in yet at the same time I do want to contribute in a massive way but I don’t want to be just some other Swami or Zen Priest or something. 

Its this weird combination of all personal drive for success pretty much being completely diminished and at the same time a quiet and more subtle drive to be nothing. 

It’s hard because I grew up pretty well off in a sense here in the SF Bay Area. I have a lot of friends who’ve become really successful (one of my high school friends that went to a neighboring high school was #1 pick in the NFL draft) but now I look at them and I see all their problems, how they’re absorbed in hedonism, chasing success, or for my other old friends who are just an unhealthy Stage Green set of people and I’m so turned off by it all I just want to stop playing this charade and the game of life thinking that this will ever fulfill me. I’ve been turned off from my sport even (running) and I never thought I’d say that. That was like the one passion I thought would stay with me but over the years it’s been waning, the drive for arbitrary success seems more and more pointless. 

I don’t even want to date anymore. Been single for 2+ years now and I really don’t want it. I don’t ever have a day where I feel like even having sex anymore. Sure I still fap every now and then but it’s more of an occasional habit than anything. 

I seriously sit down every day thinking “I got to make a decision about where I go from here. I keep putting this off. What do I actually want to work towards?” In yet nothing comes up and I never can seem to make a committed decision because I really don’t know. I keep questioning for hours everyday and I feel like I need to give or have an answer because I don’t want to stay a sheep but I don’t know. I’ve never had this before. Sports has always been a great motivator to have goals. I used to have career goals, school goals, but all this ambition is starting to die. 

Thoughts? Advice? I feel like I can’t decide because I don’t know at all what I want (to contribute or master). 

[denydritz]

What is the vision you see when you close your eyes? If you can share that, I think it can give an insight as to why it doesn't ignite your passion anymore. Also, do your previous ambitions of school goals and career goals come from your personal choice or do you 'copy' it from other people?

Talking about arbitrary success and ambition, I learn that most of our goals in life are based on what we see from people around us. It's one of the reasons why choosing the shape of our goal can not ignite passion because it is based on 'genetic and social instructions' and not from our own construction/building of understanding the world and what needs to be done to achieve maximum net happiness.

[CreamCat]

You should watch TJ Reeves' videos.

Start with

I summarized that video on 

 

Edited September 28, 2018 by CreamCat

[NoSelfSelf]

I feel the same i think thats because we are going againts the normality so you need more time to figure stuff on your own

[ajasatya]

@kieranperez this is why i asked you what your practical steps would be on another thread.

knowing what you want and not knowing the actual path to get there is helpless.

"i want to help people expand their consciousness" - that's not a proper goal. that's just empty gibberish.

you will have goals when you decide exactly you want to be doing from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to sleep. and then you list the requirements for that task that you still have to master.

when i decided that i wanted to be a data scientist, it would drive me very anxious because i didn't know what to do to get there. then i started to communicate with many data scientists and ask them questions about what they actually do. so i realized that i needed to study statistical models, hypothesis tests, data management pipelines, validation methods, model deployment etc etc.

you gotta get more granular. you gotta get as granular as possible. this is something i also heard from elon musk.

[Colin]

I've got something from a biological perspective.  There are days when I wake up and  I don't have the motivation to do anything, then I do various things to boost dopamine and my motivation, optimism, and willpower come back.

https://bebrainfit.com/increase-dopamine/

This article has a lot of info.

seeing it happen in real time is pretty compelling.

[Colin]

 

"Here’s a list of the most common dopamine deficiency symptoms: (2)

• lack of motivation
• fatigue
• apathy
• procrastination
• inability to feel pleasure
• low libido
• inability to connect with others
• sleep problems
• mood swings
• hopelessness
• memory loss
• inability to concentrate
• inability to complete tasks
• engaging in self-destructive behaviors, especially addictions"

[Colin]

I've got another cool biology based idea to share. Red light therapy. I don't feel like myself if I don't use it. I shine it on my whole body, I feel a surge of healthy energy. I put directly against my head and move it around, my brain comes online. use it on sex organs and my sex drive goes up. Use it on my hands and my guitar playing becomes better.
 

I don't represent any company, but I can offer some low-cost recommendations if you are interested. I only paid 20 dollars for the red light bulb that I have and it is the correct frequency.

[Your place at Heart]

10 hours ago, kieranperez said:

Title pretty much says it all but I’ll elaborate a little bit. 

Ive been going over the life purpose course a few more time, have come up with so many different visions and keep thinking of all these possibilities that seem kinda cool and exciting but really what I’ve noticed inside me now is that, in reality all the things I’ve been passionate about just seem hollow now. As I’m doing enlightenment work, meditating, etc. and even before the enlightenment work altogether I’ve noticed just how much my passions are dying and now I’m confused on what to do with my life regarding the direction I take it. Every time I really sit down with a vision I start to feel deep down I get this sense of ‘this isn’t what I really want. Then another vision comes up, same response. Every time I sit alone in nature I just have this feeling of wanting to be absolutely nothing... in yet at the same time I do want to contribute in a massive way but I don’t want to be just some other Swami or Zen Priest or something. 

Its this weird combination of all personal drive for success pretty much being completely diminished and at the same time a quiet and more subtle drive to be nothing. 

It’s hard because I grew up pretty well off in a sense here in the SF Bay Area. I have a lot of friends who’ve become really successful (one of my high school friends that went to a neighboring high school was #1 pick in the NFL draft) but now I look at them and I see all their problems, how they’re absorbed in hedonism, chasing success, or for my other old friends who are just an unhealthy Stage Green set of people and I’m so turned off by it all I just want to stop playing this charade and the game of life thinking that this will ever fulfill me. I’ve been turned off from my sport even (running) and I never thought I’d say that. That was like the one passion I thought would stay with me but over the years it’s been waning, the drive for arbitrary success seems more and more pointless. 

I don’t even want to date anymore. Been single for 2+ years now and I really don’t want it. I don’t ever have a day where I feel like even having sex anymore. Sure I still fap every now and then but it’s more of an occasional habit than anything. 

I seriously sit down every day thinking “I got to make a decision about where I go from here. I keep putting this off. What do I actually want to work towards?” In yet nothing comes up and I never can seem to make a committed decision because I really don’t know. I keep questioning for hours everyday and I feel like I need to give or have an answer because I don’t want to stay a sheep but I don’t know. I’ve never had this before. Sports has always been a great motivator to have goals. I used to have career goals, school goals, but all this ambition is starting to die. 

Thoughts? Advice? I feel like I can’t decide because I don’t know at all what I want (to contribute or 

 

Kieran, Seems your Spirituality and Reality is in conflict. This happens to me. As soon as I Revise my notes I took from life purpose course, My brain machine guns ideas and hobbies and lay concrete for planning the construction... related to the leo assessment and exercise and the mind map i drew connecting all my answers and results from questions, yet when i do spiritual work and remember my death and life and suffering and godly love, my passions disappear and I question all the concrete plans and Process flow diagrams  for 10 years ahead and say what's the point. It's just trap by the the Self whenever it feels down. I remember leo said in his video titled" how to deal with loneliness while doing actualized work". He mentioned  that any time you do actualized work, you are going to feel lonely and isolated and even become pessmisstic and nihilistic because the self is more interested in social and optimistic side of life while soul is differen't dimension. Soul seek loneliness while self week congregation. Just remember that this is just your YOU or self is depressed but Your passions are valid. Don't fall into the trap. The only to know your concrete foundations are not your life purpose is to build them and see if they fulfill you or not.

[Pilgrim]

Wow, I could have written this myself. I feel exactly like you.. our stories are very similar. I call this shallowness or ignorance "humanising" and catch myself sometimes doing it too.. trying to get the attention or admiration of others and then realising my own hollowness behind my behaviour.. I am really annoyed of this game as well. I wish there would be a place in real life, where we would not need to play games.. but I haven't found it yet. 

I came to realise that I am looking at the big picture 95% of the time and viewing life mostly from an aerial perspective (figuratively).. I am incredibly judgemental about the direct experience I am living and noticed that I became very negative as a consequence. In a way this really seems to be nihilism.. from a big picture perspective most things in life are incredibly arbitrary and it's really hard to ignore this. I am not sure what the answer to this problem is either.. maybe nihilism is a lack of presence and being too much in the head? But what to do, if the direct experience just doesn't resonate with your soul? Or does it not resonate, because of the judgment and not being entirely in the present moment? Does it really matter what we do, if we are fully present? 

Just some thoughts to ponder.. and wanted to let you know, you're not alone.