Personal Inquiry: Stage-Green lack of self-managment

[Ar_Senses]

Hey there, guys! First, I'm so gratelful for the opportunity to share with y'all my deepest and very personal up's and down's! It's very releasing and helpful to kickstart inner work. These forum is great and thank you @Leo Gura for re-opening for us, youngers, these old school type of communication! 

So here I want to talk with you and ask some advice about my bad skill of self-managment: I'm highly stage-green person, with orange shades and blooming yellow. I'm confident about it bacause I've observed myself, whatched all spiral dynamics videos, reading Don Beck's "Spiral Dynamics' book and contemplated a lot about it. I've been at retreats like Vipassana and 5-meo-dmt, having a deep interest in psychology, psychedelics, self-development and in love to communication (green), but also I'm appreciate rap music, porn and sex, good food from restuarants and it's hard for me at that moments to say "No" to sugar and carbohydrates (orange). But I'm also more and more aware of all those systems, which around us everyday, I'm in love in learning and understanding the big picture, going into LSD trips with my notepad to understand what is Love, mind, God and menaning is, reading books and enjoyng mind-fucking myself (Yellow).

I'm 23 y.o., 5 years ago I moved from my home town to the big city for studing and now living with my girlfriend at her apartments. I've grown in low/middle class family without father, my mom is blue/ORANGE, uncle is also kinda like that and grandma is BLUE/orange. I'm pretty sure that I'm having ADHD and sure, that reason of it is partially going from genetics, but also from heavy upbringning. I've got a lot of truobles in school, cause it was really hard for me to learning like a normal child: I've got a lack of discipline, scattered mind and lack of respect to teachers, I've easily saw their ignoarance and errogance, was Joker at class and also had a deep compassion to those who were weak. At my 14th I remember reading Che Gevara "Guerrilla Warfare" - in fact, manual for revolutioner.  So I've got a lot of problems in school, hanging around with a careless childs like me, while our parents were working their ass off to make ends meet. There was an alcohol, weed and unprotected sex. But I've always felt myslef, and others usually confirmed it, that I'm kinda "smart guy". Humor, curiosity and cleverness were my only features. I was bad at any sports. with girls, physical appearance, money and other things which can help teenager feel himself worthy enough.

So I move to the big city at my 18 because entered a college, but it's wasn't conscious choice, it was more like "I should go to college, so I need to choice something, what at least won't be very painfull for me". I thought that when I'll move to the big city and went a humanitarian Institute I'll feel myself more content and life will get a meaning. It was a mistake. I've went to existential crisis because wasn't able to understand - what the fuck happening and why is life worth living with all those struggles and pain? So from here my spritual seeking appeared in the foreground and I'm so gratefull to my depression for all that struggle whick kicked in my searching process.

Now I'm already about 4 years doing all these stuff - meditating, whatching Leo's and others vedeos, doing retreats, using psychedelics, reading books, done my Life Purpose course about a month ago, kinda deep into spirituality, know my values and goals, dating about 1,5 years with GF and feeling good most part of the time. It's hard for me to say, that I'm not practical or too voodoo/wishy-washy. I've always worked from my 2 course in the college (about 4 years): as an art-director at restuarants, writer and content-manager at karting-center. BUT... and here is main topic come: I'M FUCKING SUCK AT SELF-MANAGMENT

Here the list of my unhealthy behaviours:

• I've quit college at my last course (in 2017), when it was less than 6 months to the end of it. I've said myself that college is bullshit and I don't need that, but also I had a very bad time at my job. I was burn out, but to attached to that Orange job as an art-director, that gave me a status and respect, which I've never had before.
• I've never worked more than 6 months at one place. Couple times I was fired, couple times I was quit by myself. It's often connected with "Bad Bosses" who are not capable to respect feelings, or because of meaningless or useless impact on the world/society. Often my bosses was highly Orange womens in their 40s.
• I've tried to start a litlle business - helmets paint jobs, invested about 100$ in all things, but forgot about it now, after couple failures. It's not match alot with my passions and values, so I'm using it as an reason to drop it.
• I've got a story of dysfunctional relationships with women. At that moment I'm in my longest relationship (1,5 year), which still are full of fights and conflicts. Girls often felt themself with me stupid, ashamed, bad, not worthy enough, doing shit instead of self-development and figuring out how to become happy and self-actualized, not so good as I want them to be. Shit - this one is really tough for me.
• Lack and Dependent with money, always not having enough, often can't even care about my health care. For example, I can't care at the moment about my teeth, which are slowly fall apart beacuse of lack of money. But I've spend some extra money on Psychedelic conference in foreign city.
• I've got some health problems, which not influencing my everyday life, but still exsit. I can ignoring or prioriteze it as an inadequate individual, who I often feel myself.
• Procrastination about the most important things like doing necessary practices for actualising my Purpose, as I've mansioned - health care, money etc.
• Bad habits as consuming sugar and carbohydrates, unhealthy sleep, overthinking, porn and masturbating, arguing, worrying, overwatching-listening videos
• Poor responsibility about "down to earth" stuff

Shit, I'm really tired of it

Now I'm serious about healing myself from it, but it's seems like a fucking disaster, which you don't now where from to start. I'm reading great book about money from Leo's booklist, but it's still a lot of things to do, and I think the cleverest step I can do is to understand, what it's all about on spiritual level, cause everything usually going down to it.

I guess, partially I'am afraid of Being. Have you wathced last episode about love? It's not easy for me to cultivate these feeling inside of me, and my 5-meo-dmt trip was not very pleasant. I was scared as fuck to face Reality of reality and I've not felt Infinite Love or that Being is Peace. I guess I'm scared that I can't handle life by myself. That belief is so deeply rooted inside, that I can't get rit of it so easy.

Or maybe not? Maybe it's about something different, which I'm not awre yet. So please, help me to cure myself from that and become healthy, self-efficient man, who can face reality as it is and handle with it.

What you think my proplem really is?

Is it about the Green-stage lack of systems thinking?

What concrete actions I can do with myself, to become healthier in that sphere? (Ready to do whatever it's need)

Have you overcome it by yourself? Tell me about it

Almost everyday I feel myself like I'm getting late for the departing train and often becuase of insecuritys about money, health and bad habits. I wish I had a job which will match with my Purpose and also had a skills to managing myself in the everyday life. 

Edited September 27, 2018 by Ar_Senses

[Pilgrim]

 

2 hours ago, Ar_Senses said:

I guess I'm scared that I can't handle life by myself.

I know this fear and I believe it might be rooted in your ADHD. I have ADD as well and our brains are wired a bit differently than the brains of "normal" people. It is very common for people with AD(H)D to often change careers, having a problem with society and authorities, having poor time management, problems with procrastination, impulsive behaviour.. this is all typical 

Most likely you are also a very creative individual, good at connecting the dots and thinking about the big picture, you are likely a deep thinker and a people person, you connect easily with people.. 

 

2 hours ago, Ar_Senses said:

So please, help me to cure myself from that and become healthy, self-efficient man, who can face reality as it is and handle with it.

I am struggling with the same. But it seems like you have already accomplished a lot on your own, be proud of yourself. If you haven't already, I would read up everything about ADHD that you can find. I am currently changing my diet and doing better with a gluten-free diet.. a coach would probably help as well and maybe medication. Also practical things like getting a very good planner for goal setting: https://onplanners.com/planners/best-planners-goal-setting#paragraph-59, commitment partners that check on you frequently.. sadly this whole practical, responsible "down to earth" stuff doesn't come naturally to us.. so the most important skill you have to acquire is self-discipline. 

 

 

Edited September 27, 2018 by Pilgrim

[Ar_Senses]

@Pilgrim Thank you for support, it is true, that I'm already have something to proud for, but I still feel struggle with foundations. Of course, you know what I'am talking about, if you are ADD person. After you reply I've remembered that I've bought a book "Scattered Mind" by Dr. Gabor Mate, I think I should read it.

[Consilience]

The best way to involve out of stage green and into yellow is to start developing and implementing personal development systems. So for example:

Do you have systems for:

• Sleep
• Nutrition
• Exercise
• Meditation
• Contemplation
• Service
• Reading
• Financial infrastructure 
• Discipline

I wouldn't get too crazy with the cheese wiz with creating systems or trying to be "perfect," however, take careful note of that last bullet. It seems like one of the ways you're holding yourself back is that you lack discipline. Discipline is ironically a very stage orange quality (it can be stage orange, but honestly every stage in the spiral dynamics spiral can utilize discipline). Nonetheless, discipline is going to be an absolute necessity as you continue down the path of personal development and spirituality. So developing a system for the development and implementation of discipline can become extremely beneficial. 

The best advice I could give is to start slow. Start building a productive and healthy habit (literally in any domain, whether sleep, nutrition, exercise, etc.) and STICK WITH IT. Create a habit so easy that it's impossible to fail unless you're just not committing. And then keep building this habit more and more and more, day after day after day, week after week after week... This is what I would consider a discipline system. Discipline isn't built over night, but once the various disciplines you've implemented turn into habits, they are much more easily sustainable. 

And that's really what this boils down to. You're going to need sustainable and disciplined behaviors as you continue down this path. And in my experience, the best way to develop a disciplined behavior is to start small and then slowly increase it over time. As you generate your capacity for discipline itself, your capacity to implement new systems is going to increase as well, which will allow you to really blossom into stage yellow. 

Hopefully this helps.    

[Barry J]

Forget about colours for the moment. All of your problems are rooted in escapism. Stop running away from your reality. Slow down the thoughts and see what remains 

[Haumea2018]

Quote

Maybe it's about something different, which I'm not awre yet. So please, help me to cure myself from that and become healthy, self-efficient man, who can face reality as it is and handle with it.

Can I recommend a program that you will find useful?

https://www.thegreatcourses.com/courses/scientific-secrets-for-self-control.html

Some people are overly reward-oriented, and handle frustration poorly.

You have to make self-control your friend in order to achieve long-term goals.