Getting my sh....are of life experiences together.

[Salcedoop]

Hello Actualized.org, hello all who may visit. 

I decided to finally post a Self-Actualization Journal. 

My name is Paulina. I'm a very naturally curious and self-motivated person. I consider myself to be a natural explorer too. For the last few years in my life, I've lost a sense of direction and purpose do to various personal and economical problems. I fell into a deep depression and stayed there for years until one day I was on the brim of suicide. My family agreed I was crazy (or something) and I bought into this lie so I spent a lot of time and effort with shrinks... to little avail. I touched bottom, so I started digging into the root cause of my life's structure (rather, un-structure). I've found fascinating factors, I've gone through so many strange experiences and encounters and this is me trying to piece it all together. Feel free to comment, to share opinions and even contact me if you feel compelled, I'm quite open to people. 

September 26th, 2018. 

Cafe Tal - noon. I came here to read on the sociology of tourism, an article I downloaded a couple of days ago, and found some very interesting information which represented a huge relief to me: knowing that this thing named neo-colonialism exists and is acknowledged; I intuited a lot of  what the article went on and now I have the vocab and references to back it up, if it ever comes up in conversation. 
https://www.jstor.org/stable/2083181?newaccount=true&read-now=1&seq=6#metadata_info_tab_contents

https://www.ukessays.com/essays/tourism/tourism-is-a-neo-colonialist-activity-tourism-essay.php

https://www.ukessays.com/essays/tourism/

 

Last week I began remembering and polishing my French skills on Duolingo. A friend brought it up and in a moment of procrastination I a gave it a go. I'm liking the App -I use the web page version-  more than I thought I would, it's well programmed. I also began learning Japanese, for no good reason, probably a distraction. It's fun nevertheless and I feel at peace putting my mind to work rather than have it wander on its own. 
 

Ballet. I haven been to dance class for a while now. My muscles are resting but in the process they are probably losing strength. I also don't feel as energetic as usual. I don't feel like I should go back to my ballet lessons. It's not clear to me where I'm going, where the group is going, what is expected of me... why doesn't anyone talk about what's going on!! it's son unclear, the uncertainty stresses me out so much. There are other factors why I haven't gone back... I love the girls, the teacher.. the environment has become toxic for me though. I can't handle the drama right now. I'm not gaining anything.. people are nice-ish to me, at least they leave me alone, but I'm not treated like a ballerina, like a dancer, like an equal. Anyway, I'm working on flexibility, it's there, I still got it. 

Flute. I just saw a post of a flute master-class on Friday. I'm going for sure, just gotta think what to bring to the class so I may get a critique on it.  I love my flute. I cried while playing the other day.. my memory goes so far back of when I began, and I'm finally starting to feel satisfied with my progress.

Car problems. I finally took the car to the shop. I'd been having problems with it for the last month or two but well... ignored them, I didn't think they were _that_ serious..... but alas, they are, something got into the motor and the repair.... it may just  be more expensive than I can afford right now. 

 Self-actualization. I'm waking up early, around 5:30am. I'm learning how to relax my body. I'm not getting up until later though, sometimes I fall back to sleep. I'm getting up at around 7am, which is good for now, but not the objective. I don't get hungry until a couple of hours have passed after I get up. I like taking tea, walking, stretching and getting some sunlight in the early morning. Then I go about my daily activities. I'm also going to bed no later than 11, though sometimes I'll fall asleep at around midnight. I'm not where I would like to yet as far as sleep-wake discipline but I must remind myself that this is a huge progress in comparison to my former out-of-whack sleep-wake cycle. 

That is all for now. 

 

Forum topics I though of for future use: mocking to the death, a true story of cultural difference. society's catch 22's. distinguishing advanced creatures from retarded ones, impossible?. the trauma of cultural set-back. the trauma of societal set-back.  

Edited September 27, 2018 by Salcedoop

[Salcedoop]

September 30th, 2018

I've been thinking how open I should be in this very public space, I came to the conclusion that there are subject manners, thoughts and ideas that I will not be posting...they'll be left in my desktop "word journal" or the physical one I keep around. I guess the advantage of a "forum journal" is feeling some sort of peer-pressure to keep doing it, instead of just making it a one-time-thing. Another advantage of having a "forum journal" is that I won't have to worry about getting my computer robbed... why do I say this? apparently I live in a dangerous neighborhood. I say apparently because I guess i still have ptsd from all those times i've been robbed or mugged

 

I've had so many personal insights this week, on my past, my relationships and the forces that make it difficult for me to move forward, as well as the value system that underlines these forces.

On the other hand, this week's flute lesson, both the one I took and the one I gave went great, it was very satisfying. This motivates me a lot to keep going.
Self reminder: get over all of those dis-encouraging comments, remarks, shuns and what not ...  i just.. can't believe the degree of negative feedback i endured for years.. there was something going on in that college, and it wasn't me... i must  be strong and show them, through hard work, through results, through action... be strong Pau. 

i still have no idea how to get cash for  buying a better flute or a piccolo. any ideas, anyone? 

sometimes i can't decide if mexicans are a very enlightened people or if they're very unenlightened..... there is a kind of magic that goes along with little awareness, that I can say 

Duoling. i've kept my two week streak! 

positive aspects (awesome thought or happenings):

dreadfulness... 

 

self-actualization. bodywork; yesterday while doing flexibility exercises, i realized how unaware i was of some upper body msucles and i wondered... wow, for how long? is this a generational thing? i've known for some years now that i had a lot, and ai mean a lot of tension in my shoulders, neck and, more recenty, back , but i think this goes way more deep than i could have imagined... i finally felt that i was using some back muscles i hadnt felt in.. well forever! 

weekly goal: i'm doing the 7day vegan challenge this week! inspired by a particular video of sadhguru, i'm convinced. : ) yes.. i've been preparing for this, i havent eaten red meat for many days, except yesterday that i was offered some at a friend's and wouldv'e been rude to not have. i'm ready, mentally and physically, i love my spinach and i love my fruits and veggies.

START WITH LIVER FLUSH. - i will juice-fast for three days and then do it. report on this on this blog.

self reminder: you live in a society where working on yourself, body, image, development is regarded as selfish and therefore immoral. 

something was said in the las actualized vid: "you gotta be the ceo of your own life, yo ucan't expect someone else to be the ceo or else they'll fail, you can do taht yourslef" then i remembered: how a long long time a go i used to think something along these lines: to be the owner of my own life and wanting to make my own mistakes, not have them made for me but.. i payed the price, a lofty one...... shunning, secrecy behind my back etc.. bevause nobody tellse you but in this cultuer, you're not to be the owner of yourself, that is considered selfhis. 

 

cooking is an status mark, a mark of you value, a power game, a meal preparing for women

 

*this thought-thread is not edited and has been saved for practical purposes. 

Edited October 1, 2018 by Salcedoop