Fear of losing oneself- can I overcome it?

[Pramit]

I was meditating on "where am I?"

It was inside my room.

I closed my eyes and sat for some time.

I was losing some sensation of my fingers, I could no longer tell the digits apart. But I was gaining sensation of warmth on my palm.

Anyway, I can't remember much since I immediately forgot the important bits after I got up. But this is all I can remember:

I was focusing on 'where am i?'

Am I in my room?

No. What is a 'room'?

I felt the cool air hitting my body.

I realized at this point, superficially at least, that I have always been where I was the whole time - I haven't moved an inch. If reality is ultimately a bunch of sensations from which I infer the environment, then my reality must not have changed - only my inference has. And that inference itself is also a stable inference - like a clockwork circle.

Am I in my head?

No. What is a 'head'?

I felt the sensation of my face. Then my head. Then my brain enclosed inside my head. My eyes, and the darkness that I 'saw'.

I realized that I am not in my room. I am not in my head.

I focused deeply on the sensation of what appeared as my head(sorry, I have limited vocabulary).

I was getting lost in it.

I keep going deeper and deeper.

EVERYTHING WAS DISAPPEARING SUDDENLY.

WHERE THE FUCK AM I? WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?

 

I got very uncomfortable with the revelation. I know this..or I thought I knew. Either way it doesn't matter. 

I know that the ego - which initiates the meditation - will never ever kill itself so easily, at least not in such a 'primal' way. There is no sense of satisfaction in such a death - it is like going down a deep hole that keeps going forever. Even if I had motivation to kill myself, I would never kill myself in this manner. 

 

I was going to ask a question in this thread - like 'Should I go down this tunnel?' or 'How can I get the courage to face this?' or 'If I go down, will I even be able to wake up from meditation, or will it be the end of me?'.

But I don't think any of the answers I will get, will be of any help. Not because you are not knowledgable, you all are. Because ultimately, I, the ego, can't beat this. I can overcome anything, but not this. So no amount of 'knowledge' will serve me..truly. But to those who have faced this(or who think they have faced it) - please advise me on what to do next.

 

Also- if this is what awaits me in death - fuck i am screwed..

Edited September 26, 2018 by Pramit

[InfinitePotential]

This resonates with me af.  I've had a sudden feeling of everything disappearing (quite a few times), as well as having "always being where I was the whole time".  Like eternally so.  Space was seen through, and I had the sensation of having always been where I was.  My life and what was going on at that time was just one of an infinite number of other moments I had already experience "previously", all occurring here (and "now").  And I've had a feeling of completely losing myself, dissolving into my experience (which was actually very blissful and not so bad... more just like "wow!!!!!"), and then have had a sort of... well from my memory what I would call a brilliant white light taking over my entire visual field and field of awareness, which at the time I resisted.

Anyways, yes this stuff can be scary af... like horrifying, existential terror.  But I think with more and more exposure, you get more comfortable (as with all scary things).  May as well practice accepting it now and die before you die.  And have faith that letting go entirely will be for the best.  Enlightened masters seem to be doing pretty alright.

Also it might help to exude positive emotions before during and after meditating.  I especially like to start meditations with feeling love from my heart center.  Spend some time feeling love as deeply as you can, for yourself, others, and all of existence, exactly as it is (even your resistance to going deeper... love and accept that too).  And when you start getting sucked down the nondual black hole, try to feel that love... that's my strategy going forward!  Good luck.

[iamme]

It's all concepts or beliefs so maybe focus on getting rid of those. Like what if "fear of losing oneself" is a learned cliché. Then what you're afraid of would rather be not getting your way in life as you want it.