Unraveling

[seeking_brilliance]

Journal entry - 9-24-18

Practicing spiritual autolysis. I'm supposed to write down something I know to be true and then rewrite it until I have something that is true. 

Here's something I know to be true.  I am unhappy with my body.  So first of all, I don't know what I am, so how can I say I'm unhappy? Why would I be unhappy with my body? Because I don't like what I expect it to look like? Because I have ashamed of it since puberty when it got all wonky? I also don't know what a body is, so here's a truer statement : I (whatever that is) am unhappy (whatever that is) with my body (whatever that is).  What is unhappy? What is happy? If I am not happy now, then how do I know it exists? I don't even know what existence is. 

So assuming I could know what I am to be unhappy about, why would I be so unhappy with my body? Because of what I think to be what others like to see? I don't even know what they see. I don't even know what I see about the body is true. Or as others see it.  I don't even know what seeing is. I don't know what knowing is. I don't know what "is"  is. 

I don't know... 

I don't... 

don't... 

....

 

There's no way to say it. 

I don't know if there even is something to say. I don't know what "is" means. Perhaps I could say "it is something that is everlasting". But I have to use the word "is" to describe what is is.  Perhaps that is the answer. 

Is is. 

Put it together and you have Isis, the goddess of hope. 

But I don't know what a goddess is. I assume that phrase was pulled out of Samuel's construct, but I don't even know what a construct is. Or what a Samuel is I don't know what hope is. I don't know what anything is. I don't know what "is" is. 

-------

End of entry. Looks like I got really off track with breaking down my original statement, but it did go somewhere unexpected. 

[seeking_brilliance]

More autolysis. This one more organized.  I realized i asked more questions than writing what I know to be true, but I don't think theres many wrong ways to do this. 

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Journal entry 9-25-18

Everything I do is a matter of expressing myself.

So,  there's no way the ego can know the depths of "everything".  Everything has a limitless sense to it, yet I don't think I always realize that when I use the word.

How do I know that "I do" anything? Sidenote: anything also has an infinite tonality to it, but is rarely used in that way because I don't know what infinite is. I only know descriptions of it.

What is "a matter" ? Is it a manifestation? What is a manifestation? What does "a matter of" techniquly mean? Is it talking about manifestations of ideas? Is it also referring to what we call matter, aka the stuff i think i touch(sensation) with my fingers which are also made of matter? Is this just another manifestation?

What is expressing? What is an expression? What expresses? What does expression mean? To exert an energy to manifest thought? What is exertion? What is an energy? What is a thought? I don't have a clue!

What is myself?  That seems like a motherload question,  having to break down "my" and "self" in one go, when I don't even know what either of those things are!? I suppose you could say that myself refers to the self that identifies with "me".  Or by its other name, I. Self perhaps is the idea of who we are, whereas me or I are the containers for the idea.  Then I look to find the containers are empty, and in fact there were never any containers at all.

Deconstruction :

Everthing I do is a matter of expressing myself....

Everything I do expresseses myself....

I express myself....

I myself....

....

There's no way to say it.  To do so would make it false.  It will also trick ego into accepting it as true, further perpetuateing ego self. Almost as if language itself is the root of all deception.

 

Edited September 26, 2018 by seeking_brilliance

[seeking_brilliance]

More autolysis 

-----------------------------------------------

9-26-18

Something I know to be true :

"I can often get cranky at work" 

I - don't get "me" started on this loaded word. 

Can - I don't know that "I" can do anything. Can supposedly means able to. What is able to? Who? What's a who? And whats a what? Can/able to does not have a limitless tonality to it. It implies that one is not always able to. Perhaps for now we consider anything that does not imply an infinite tonality to it to be untrue. Words like always, is, everlasting, limitless, etc. have a tonality of infinite. They are not infinite in themselves, but are used to describe that thing which we call Infinity. For now we will set them aside as true or "true enough". Eventually they will have to be let go. 

Often - what is often? It does not imply infinite. Therefore not true? What does it imply? It implies a relationship to none. It is neither none, nor infinite, but considered closer to infinity as compared to "seldom". In truth, I don't know that often is at all. 

Get - who can get? What can be gotten? 

Cranky - "I " hate(s) this feeling. It's miserable to be in it, and miserable afterwards when the guilt arrives. But what is this feeling? Who or what can be cranky? Why must it be a hateable thing? Is it? Who or what hates? Where does it end? 

At- implies direction. Direction does not imply infinite. "any direction" is closer. "at" means a specific point in a certain direction. Does not imply Infinity. It is within, but not wholly. 

Work - my career. Incredibly stressful in a way that I would never expect another person to understand unless they were in a similar situation.  But what is stressful? What is stress? It's completely possible that I don't even know a tenth of the meaning. So I carry on. Sometimes I really even want to. 

I often get cranky at work. Why do I do this? Who or what does it? Stood I could say that I get cranky because I'm stressed. And because of anxiety. I have not yet proven that either of those exist. Yet they seem to make good excuses. 

Deconstruction :

I  can often get cranky at work.. . 

There is often crankiness at work.. . 

There is crankiness at work... 

Crankiness at work... 

At... 

... 

There's no "true" way to say it. 

Edited September 28, 2018 by seeking_brilliance

[Telepresent]

@seeking_brilliance Hello.  I hope you don't mind me replying to you here - it seemed easier.  I've had a bit of a read over this and it seems to me like you're getting a bit overwhelmed by the mass of concepts that you're trying to deconstruct all at once: every word, every term, is subject to a simultaneous attempt at deconstruction.  The problem with doing that is that you wind up jumping from idea to idea, without really digging into everything.  Remember that you don't have to do everything at once.  In fact you can't do everything at once.  So allow yourself to focus in on one thing.  Without focus, you will only skim along the surface of things.

The problem with autolysis is the fact that it involves using an intellectual approach to try to attack ideas that are very deeply felt and believed.  That means a quick theoretical skim of a deconstruction isn't going to be much use: you come up with an idea, which you will quickly forget as you go back into autopilot.  Beliefs about what you are, what the world is, how everything works, are very very convoluted things and a brief four-line deconstruction as you've done here won't dent their surface.  I often find that I'm chipping away at one idea, one concept, for days or weeks at a time - writing, thinking, talking to myself - knowing that it is not true but not yet knowing that it is not true, if that distinction makes sense?

How much time do you give over to this?  Autolysis (or any kind of self-inquiry) requires time to work on.  Time to reflect, re-examine, check yourself, remind yourself again and again what you're trying to understand.  In truth, I spend most of my non-practical time (i.e. when I'm not at work etc.) in some form of autolysis or self-inquiry, and while I don't know if that's necessary for someone else, I do know that to dig into beliefs like this you need to dedicate time in the form of hours, not sub-hours.  And this ties in with the question of focus: it's a very different thing to spend half-an-hour writing a bunch of questions, to spending six hours trying to dig into one.

Reading back over this, I think you're currently wrestling with the issue of terminology, and semiotics in language (i.e. that language is only a sign-system, not the thing itself).  That's fine, good, and important to do.  I wonder if you'll get more traction by focusing on the concept of language as a whole, rather than trying to pull apart each individual term?  There will certainly be terms that need deconstructing and re-definition as you go on, but right now I think it might be the problem of language as a pointer, not true thing, that is causing you to loop around on yourself.

This process of re-definition is important.  If you only question (as you mostly do in your first post), you're going to get frustrated and stuck.  So take your concept, the thing you are exploring, and define it in your own terms.  Then deconstruct that definition: what assumptions are going on in there?  What foundations does it rest upon?  Define those, and you'll have a re-defined simplification of your first statement.  Then start again.  (Admittedly, sometimes it doesn't feel like a simplification!  I think that's just an indication that more work needs to be done, though).

I don't want to start answering any of your questions as a 'demonstration' as I don't want to imply that my thought-process or conclusions are correct, but I wonder if what I've written above makes sense without doing some kind of demo of what I mean?  What I think I'm going to do now is work a little bit more on the door I'm chipping away at at the moment - it's useful to me as it's part of my process, and if it's of interest to you, great.  I'll do it in a follow-up post.  Apologies if it feels like I'm thread-jacking or something like that.

Finally, don't worry too much about what your subject matter is: I think the three things you've used here are all good starting points.  What will happen as you progress is that a sense of A-B-C-D starts to emerge.  One thing leads inevitably into another.  The important thing is to begin.  Have you read Spiritually Incorrect Enlightenment?  One of the things that McKenna says in that book is that "discovering your process is part of the process".  Keep going, experiment with it, refine it, and it'll start coming together.

[Telepresent]

*NOTE: this may start in a way that sounds very dramatic, but it's just where I've gotten to right now.  Also, I actually broke through another bit of wall here, so that's cool.  I need to sit with it, absorb it, return to it later.  Right now I'm in a place of excitement, which is nice, but makes critical thinking and examination of the idea hard.

 

I am evil.  That's a deep one: it goes down to my bones, my core.  Core belief, they call it.  No shit.  This thing is harsh.

I know my past, I know what happened as a small boy.  I know the psychological reasons that a pre-verbal child would blame themselves for things that couldn't possibly be their fault.  I know how that impacted me as I developed through school, how certain moments of treatment or discipline by parents, teachers, other kids, reinforced this core concept.  Knowing doesn't make a shit bit of difference.

I am evil.  I am evil.

Ok, here goes: what the fuck is evil?

Yes, yes, easy to answer.  Opposite of good.  Great.  Job done.  Bah.

Not at all.  That's an idea.  Evil - my evil - is a knowing.  A being.  It's suffused in my very state, my very essence.  It's not my actions, not my words, not the opposite of a moral framework.  It's me, deeply me.

Of course I have no words for what this state actually is.  Why?  Because it's not actually an object.  It's not a tangible thing I can point to.  I could say that it's an idea, but that word isn't right because it's far more pre-cognitive than that.  It's... the best word is ether, I think.  No, it's the substance.  The substance that is the making of me.  Whether in body, mind, spirit, action, memory, impact or influence...

Don't get too bogged down.  Stay on target.  Go back to evil vs. good.

Of course, both of these are subjective issues.  There is no absolute evil, or absolute good.  There is only objectivity and subjectivity.  Good and evil exist in the subjective, but what is evil for the worm is good for the bird.  So evil is based upon survival.  Of course it is.  Always goes back to survival, doesn't it?

Refresher: everything is about survival.  Survival itself is neither good or bad, but over billions of years of evolution - evolution which is dictated by survival - the drive to survive, the need to survive, is very very hardwired.  Everything good or bad is based, in some way, on survival.  So evil... is evil that which contradicts an individual's survival?

Ok, maybe, but how does that relate back to me being evil.

Abandonment.  Of fucking course.

Daddy left, didn't he?  Daddy left and that was your fault.  So says pre-verbal Telepresent.  Daddy left you, which from an evo-bio perspective greatly increases your risk of death.  Then he comes back.  Then he goes away again.  Then he comes back.  WHY???  Am I being good, am I being bad?  I don't know.  But pre-verbal kids blame themselves for everything, so it must be my fault.  I am the cause of my potential death, at such a formative time.  I am not worthy of the guarantee of the one most important good: survival.  I am not worthy of that.  I am not worthy of that.

Yeah, there it is.  That's true for me.  That hurts. 

And it only gets reinforced.  Yelled at.  Unpopular.  Not good enough for the grammar school.  Sent somewhere where I get yelled at.  Picked on.  Girls not liking me (another fundamental 'good' I'm unworthy of, there).  Reinforcing, reinforcing, reinforcing.

Unworthy of love, safety, security, survival.  Evil.  Unworthy of good.  Evil.  Yeah, that's the belief.

What's it targeted at?  Nothing.  It's not targeted at anything.  Not body, or mind, or achievement.  It's prior to those.  It permeates them all, because it's further inside.  I'm not evil because of xyz, xyz is because I am evil.

And here we reach the wall again.  Smack your head, smack your head, because you know this isn't Absolutely True.  You KNOW it's not!  Evil is a subjective feeling, not an actual

Hang on.

Subjective feeling.

Not object.

Hang on.

Of course it is.  Of fucking course it is.  You've played around enough with the idea of emotion and feeling that you should GET this.  It's an energy.  It's an energy.  "Emotions are states of consciousness", right?  Well, maybe, but yes emotions are the energy of conscious experience, right?  Well, sort of, the energy of felt experience... ah, this is too loose, but let's worry about that another time.  Evil, evil, evil - it's not a thing.  You can't point to it in the same way you can't point to anger, or anxiety, or anything else.  Holy shit is this sense of being evil an unnamed emotion?  Is it a fear?  IS IT FUCKING FEAR???

Fear masquerading as fact?

And of course that makes sense as fear has to be the primary emotion of a survival-dominated perspective.  But what does that do to you, if you take an emotion and transform it into a fact of the world, a fact of life, a fact of yourself?  If you infuse it into your being.  Not your feeling, but your substance?  What does that DO to how you know the world?  Shit.

Fear of what?  Fear I will die - that's what all the fears come to, isn't it?  Fear I will fucking die and be no more.  Pre-verbal, unable to look after yourself... the only thing you can do to try to survive is be loved.  And Daddy leaves.  It's your fault.  I can't protect myself.  I can't protect myself.  I am unsafe.  I am unworthy of love = I am going to die.  BANG, branded deep deep in that developing mind.  Looking out through that forever, looking at the world through that fear, seeing the potential to be hated, abandoned, to die, in every moment, every relationship, every person.  The only way to protect yourself to try to keep them all happy, all the time.  

So we're touching on something new here: fear as a perspective.  Not fear as an intense feeling, not dramatic fear, but fear as a way of seeing, interpreting, thinking.  Fear as a world-filter.  Seeing myself, and everyone else, through it.  And given that fear is subjective, that means the filter can only be subjective, can never be absolute.

Enough for now: I need to sit with this one for a bit, let it settle in.

Thanks for indulging me.

[seeking_brilliance]

@Telepresent Thank you! I don't mind if anyone posts in this journal since It will be dedicated to autolysis and would love any hints or suggestions. 

45 minutes ago, Telepresent said:

@seeking_brilliance Hello.  I hope you don't mind me replying to you here - it seemed easier.  I've had a bit of a read over this and it seems to me like you're getting a bit overwhelmed by the mass of concepts that you're trying to deconstruct all at once: every word, every term, is subject to a simultaneous attempt at deconstruction.  The problem with doing that is that you wind up jumping from idea to idea, without really digging into everything.  Remember that you don't have to do everything at once.  In fact you can't do everything at once.  So allow yourself to focus in on one thing.  Without focus, you will only skim along the surface of things.

I go into a kind of free flow/ automatic writing when I was doing these. The first one is definitely  a mess, but then again I was kind of feeling out this whole process. There are a few more sessions that I have not typed up yet, but I have found that more recent ones focus on the phrases as a whole instead of breaking down every word. It was kind of fun breaking down every word, but once I do it, I don't feel the need to revisit it at this time.  I get exactly what you are saying (maybe ).

 

45 minutes ago, Telepresent said:

@seeking_brilliance

How much time do you give over to this?  Autolysis (or any kind of self-inquiry) requires time to work on.  Time to reflect, re-examine, check yourself, remind yourself again and again what you're trying to understand.  In truth, I spend most of my non-practical time (i.e. when I'm not at work etc.) in some form of autolysis or self-inquiry, and while I don't know if that's necessary for someone else, I do know that to dig into beliefs like this you need to dedicate time in the form of hours, not sub-hours.  And this ties in with the question of focus: it's a very different thing to spend half-an-hour writing a bunch of questions, to spending six hours trying to dig into one.

 

I do throughout the day- even at work- think about these type of things, question reality etc. Posting on here helps also. Yes, I need to get my autolysis more focused so I can actually make some dents as you said. 

 

45 minutes ago, Telepresent said:

@seeking_brilliance

This process of re-definition is important.  If you only question (as you mostly do in your first post), you're going to get frustrated and stuck.  So take your concept, the thing you are exploring, and define it in your own terms.  Then deconstruct that definition: what assumptions are going on in there?  What foundations does it rest upon?  Define those, and you'll have a re-defined simplification of your first statement.  Then start again.  (Admittedly, sometimes it doesn't feel like a simplification!  I think that's just an indication that more work needs to be done, though).

 

I like this idea of taking the question, redefining it in my own terms, and then breaking that down, again and again, rephrasing, etc. I think I'm getting a better idea about how to do this.  

 

45 minutes ago, Telepresent said:

@seeking_brilliance

I don't want to start answering any of your questions as a 'demonstration' as I don't want to imply that my thought-process or conclusions are correct, but I wonder if what I've written above makes sense without doing some kind of demo of what I mean?  What I think I'm going to do now is work a little bit more on the door I'm chipping away at at the moment - it's useful to me as it's part of my process, and if it's of interest to you, great.  I'll do it in a follow-up post.  Apologies if it feels like I'm thread-jacking or something like that.

Finally, don't worry too much about what your subject matter is: I think the three things you've used here are all good starting points.  What will happen as you progress is that a sense of A-B-C-D starts to emerge.  One thing leads inevitably into another.  The important thing is to begin.  Have you read Spiritually Incorrect Enlightenment?  One of the things that McKenna says in that book is that "discovering your process is part of the process".  Keep going, experiment with it, refine it, and it'll start coming together.

What you have written does make sense, but a demo would definitely help. I'm definitely interested in your take on this.  We could come up with a phrase together unless you have one you would like to use. **(edit i didn't see your second post yet, let me take a look at it)**

I have a few chapters left of his first book. Hopefully he clears up this process in the latter books because the way he presents it in his first one is either too confusing or too simple (most likely!) for my head to wrap around it.  I understand that he says write down what you know to be true, and then keep reducing it until you know what is true, but sometimes examples are the best way to understand a system like that. 

 

Edited September 29, 2018 by seeking_brilliance

[Telepresent]

@seeking_brilliance Glad you find some of that helpful!  Incorrect definitely talks about the process more, and provides some examples of a student's writing, but be careful with it: I found myself for a long while feeling like I needed to imitate the way it was presented in that book, rather than read under the surface to understand it.  I find more and more as I explore further myself that, when I return to McKenna, I recognise much more that he is talking on a more subtle and symbolic level a lot of the time, rather than a literal one.

The funny thing about how the process is examined in Incorrect, though, is how much more of a deeply personal and emotional process it is.  He explores it through two characters, and focuses almost entirely on their emotional/personal journey, rather than the intellectual one described in the autolysis chapter in Damndest.  I think the reality lies in-between: that you need to return to autolysis as an intellectual process as a grounding, but that it will lead to some very personal and painful places.

 

[seeking_brilliance]

@Telepresent your example is great.  So glad to see you are implementing shadow work into it as well.  I see now what you mean about staying on target, even though it's ok to endulge a certain insight that may pop up now and then.   

I think my other problem has been coming up with a good "thing that I know to be true", although of course there are innumerable ones.  On the other hand, I have already come to a understanding (belief) that I don't know much of anything, so that probably gets in the way. 

 

[Telepresent]

8 minutes ago, seeking_brilliance said:

On the other hand, I have already come to a understanding (belief) that I don't know much of anything, so that probably gets in the way. 

Maybe that's a good starting point, then? A tricky thing when we're surrounded by people saying this and posting that, is that we can think we get things more than we honestly do. So maybe examining "I don't know much of anything" will help get it out of the way, or turn it into something helpful rather than a hindrance? 

Glad my work was useful for you as well.  Just remember it's not "the correct" way, it's just my way. 

Anyway, Telepresent is knackered - time for bed! Let me know if you want to discuss more, but for now, goodnight! 

[seeking_brilliance]

@Telepresent great, thanks.. Night.  I wanted to mention that all the questions that I pose intermittently are mostly as written affirmations.  Supposedy it can sometimes trigger reactions within the subconscious or something like that. (as if I could ever pretend to know what that means...) I can tell in my first post i got too sidetracked by my questions that I didn't stay on the original topic, and the questions became new topics. I think I laid alot out on the table though. Nothing wasted. 

But this relates to the idea that the autolysis which is done over there, may not match what is done over here.  It is just so helpful to have an idea of how to approach this, kind of points the way.

 

Edited September 29, 2018 by seeking_brilliance

[seeking_brilliance]

Thanks to @Telepresent for their great example on how to go about doing autolysis. I have a feeling that it is something that will evolve for me over time.  

--------------------------------------------—------

9-30-18

Autolysis : I live in reality.

What a loaded statement. First I don't know what it means to live in anything. I say I live in this house, but the verdict is still out on what I am, much less if it is contained inside the body or not. I often hear on the forum that I would not be inside this house, I am the house. And I understand this to a degree because of my experiences with lucid dreaming. What are dreams? Who or what dreams?

With dreaming I am well aware that I am not only the dream persona, but the other dream characters as well, and also the house and the chairs, and the coffee table. I don't fully comprehend it but I have direct experience of it. (Do I?) And then I hear on the forums that the same thing can be said about this so-called waking reality, that all is one. This reality feels so different than the dream one, that I am convinced it is the true reality. I haven't experienced any others than the previous two mentioned, and can't even fathom what another type would feel like. Therefore I claim this current one to be the one to believe in. To know is true. But I don't even know what reality is or if it could even exist. It's easy to say "well here it is" - but is it? How could I know? The obvious answer is, well you can see all of this stuff around you so how could one deny reality? But what am I seeing? Am I being deceived about it? Can I trust my eyes? I don't even know what eyes are! And what if I were born blind, what would reality be then? "well," one could say, "you would still have hearing. Everything around you can be heard, so reality must exist?" But can hearing be trusted? Who hears? And I were born deaf, and blind, and to save time, without sense of touch, smell, or feelings, ( whatever the hell any of those are,) what would reality be? What is constant?

I live in reality. How could I possibly know this? It can't be proven that I live in anything. Or that they're even is an I. I don't trust anything to be true. This is unpleasing to me. Probably out of want of direction. Purpose. Fear of being ignorant. Fear of missing out on something good. Fear of not knowing if there even is a such thing as something good.

I live in reality. Perhaps a truer statement  is "I live in a reality" . The other morning I had a series of false awakenings, at least 10 in a row, with semi-good lucidity. With each awakening I would start in bed, count my fingers, remember that I am dreaming, and try to do some lucid experiments. In one I tried looking at myself in the mirror, but couldn't get the light switch to turn on. I had some really disappointing sex in another. In a few, I melted myself through the back end of the house, and explored my yard, smelling flowers. Lucid in every one. Each time I falsely awoke, it would take anywhere from instantly lucid to what felt like 5 seconds, before I remember to do my reality check. Sometimes the reality checks failed, and I was left wondering if I had actually awoken this time, only to find out that no, I do have six odd-looking fingers after a second check. That's how convincing this "other" reality is. It felt real enough not to be able to distinguish it from "true" reality, until I finally woke up and realized that no, this is what reality feels like. And it bothered me that I fell for it so easily. It also shook me up for the whole day, and I kept periodically checking my fingers to make sure that I indeed was no longer dreaming. The effects of this has long since worn off, but I am glad to record it.

What also bothers me is that the reality checks failed a few times during the series of awakenings, and  that I had no 100% proof that they werent just being stubborn in this reality. What interests me is that it is very similar in appearance to the dream reality, but as I said before everything just seems more stable. Whatever that means. I can touch the side of the wall, and it feels very real. But I remember multiple times doing this experiment in dreams and remarking how real it feels then. Reality is relative. Perhaps that's a good topic for another day.

I live in reality. I don't think this is going to get solved today. Will probably follow up with the next session on "reality is relative" , when I feel ready to return to this topic. My severe lack of knowledge on this topic is laughable, yet understandable. We are all raised with this handicap of a total misunderstanding of what reality is. The blind leading the blind in circles. Occasionally one who can see steps in now and then to redirect.

I live in reality. Perhaps going forward the truer statement is " I don't know what reality is  or that I am living anything"

[seeking_brilliance]

More autolysis

10-1-18

I feel lost.

What do I mean by this? To feel lost is to feel hopeless. Without direction. Cut off. Scared. I feel these things very fully, even though I also feel hopeful, guided, and courageous. I feel all of these things. What is feeling? Who or what feels? Does the ego feel, or does it only misdirect the one who does?

Growing up as a preacher's kid, we had a much different idea of someone who was lost. This person needed God, which we of course had, in order to feel whole and complete, and also to escape eternity in the fiery pits of hell. What a laughable belief to hold, they are  all laughable. But in a way, this Christian "lost" soul kind of sounds like how I feel now as an adult: confused, feeling incomplete. Who feels incomplete? It is a very egoic feeling. But do you blame it? I can't find reasons to blame  it for doing anything. It is an artificial intelligence of my own making. And its starting to question itself. It's realness. It's authenticity. It's mortality. At this point in time I don't know who or what I am, if I am these egoic thoughts, or if they only influence my own. And are my thoughts my own? Is it possible for me to have thoughts? I don't even know what a me is!

I think at this point I still don't understand what an ego is, what I am, Etc. The Ego is technically only supposed to be a survival tool the brain uses from a construct of memories and problem-solving. It technically is not considered to exist as an entity, yet I often speak of it as one or wonder if the "I" is it. But I have often heard that I am not the ego. So why do I keep questioning if I am it?

Many times I also confuse the "I"  as the Persona, Samuel. But this Persona is also an idea. A construct of memories and cultural expectations and circumstances. I have also pondered if this idea, the Persona known as Samuel, has become sentient and begun asking questions. Therefore, is this what I am? The sentient idea of Samuel? Seeking out validity of my own existence? Or does it only influence "my" thoughts, whatever those are supposed to be...

 

Do I exist? Should I forget the notion that there is an I? Or do I search for the true "me"?

 

I feel lost. If I am not Samuel, then who am I? If I'm not the ego, then who am i? Am I anything? Is there a such thing as I? How can the I be dropped? Everything I do perpetuates it. I have to be completely still and not do anything to drop the I? How is that useful? As a reminder? Something to carry with me throughout the day as a go about perpetuating myself?

 

I feel lost. I don't always feel lost. Sometimes I understand what the next step is. Though it is easily forgotten. I say that I feel lost because I suppose I focus on the negative. A truer way to state it is "sometimes I feel lost." I do not always feel lost and to state it that way only perpetuates the idea that it may be true. And ideas are fucking powerful. Sometimes I feel lost. And sometimes I feel guided. Honestly I couldn't tell you which I feel more, but then again, who the hell feels? What are feelings?

 

I think I mostly feel lost when I am panicking. The weight of everything crashing down in an anxiety - riddled tantrum. Perhaps it is not that I feel lost, but I have forgotten the way. Anxiety it is an excellent memory manipulator, where negative ones are bright and vivid and the good ones disappear into thin air. So I really can't trust the feeling of being lost anyway!

Perhaps there is no such thing as feeling or being lost. Perhaps it never existed. Only an obscured memory of knowing and understanding. Perhaps it doesn't matter who can be lost, because there's no such thing as being or feeling lost to begin with.

Edited October 3, 2018 by seeking_brilliance

[Telepresent]

What were you taught as a child would make you feel whole/complete as an adult?  Do your adult experiences align with that? If not, is it your fault, or was the map you were given as a child inaccurate? 

[seeking_brilliance]

2 hours ago, Telepresent said:

What were you taught as a child would make you feel whole/complete as an adult?  Do your adult experiences align with that? If not, is it your fault, or was the map you were given as a child inaccurate? 

interesting, I will definitely have to dive into that... thank you!

[seeking_brilliance]

As a follow-up to my last Autolysis session, @Telepresent posed a question to help me dig deeper. The question was: what was I taught as a child about how to feel whole/complete as an adult? Do my adulthood experiences align with that? If not am I blaming myself, or was the roadmap I was given as child inaccurate? Wow, this is going to be a doozy. I hope I can dig deep. 

So what was I taught as a child? First of all, as being raised a preacher's kid, I was taught that a good man loves and fears God. That going to church twice on Sunday and every Wednesday night was expected by God. That a man should marry a woman and raise their children in a missionary baptist church, because of course it was the only denomination in all of Christianity, forget any other religion, that taught the true way to be saved and live for eternity in heaven with God and the angels.

And man, I ate that shit up like candy.

How could I not? I was raised believing this was the only way to God, and that anyone who didn't were likely miserable souls. Even though many of them are beautiful, and rich and have everything they could want, they don't have Jesus Christ in their heart so they are ultimately miserable inside. Like---what the fuck? And I believed that shit, like a good little  christian.

If I were to call today and let my family know how lost and in despair I feel, they would try to bring me back to Christ like the prodigal son. I'm the one that was led astray and they shed many tears over not knowing if I will be in heaven with them or not. I know they do this because I grew up watching them do this for family members and friends that were much less important to them than I. They fear and lament my probable eternity in hell. They feel shame for not being able to prevent my departure from what I knew as God. And on top of all this, I married a man!

Man I really did a number on them, huh?

I get the idea that when someone is enlightened, their worries and fears pass away, because they realize that there was never anything to be worried about. Likewise, I only wish I could show my family that this God they are worshiping is a sham. "His" rules about coming to church and gays not going to heaven have no meaning because everything is a sham! The "God" they are worshiping doesn't exist! If there was some way to just show them, all of their pain over my life choices would dissolve away. And my guilt of causing this pain to them would pass away.

Now, I'm not necessarily saying that I blame myself for making these choices, because I realized long ago that I was never actually given a choice. I did not choose to be attracted to men. It happened. Imagine my surprise to hear much later that there's not even a such thing as choice! I'm still wrapping my head around that, but at least I know that I did not choose to be gay. In fact, who would choose, if a choice even presented itself. If there is no  "I" , who chooses?

Anyway, despite the fact that I don't necessarily blame myself  (or do I?), I do feel shame and guilt because I know how much it hurts for them. Because I used to feel the same way for others.

What was I taught to feel whole/complete? Marriage was a big part of this. Of course we considered it also to be okay to remain single, because the Apostle Paul did the same. But if I were to marry, there were holy guidelines to ensure a peaceful marriage and unity with God. A man and woman were to marry and raise their children ( if they choose to have any) in church and to ensure their children get saved and join everyone up in heaven.

What a load of crap, by the way.

Even though we despised cults, I was in one all along! If I could only make them see that they should be looking within, not up there in the sky--- but here I go trying to save them now. Perhaps it's best to let nature take its course and they can awaken when they're ready. I don't believe that we only get one shot. But then again, I don't know what the hell that even means!

So anyways yeah my marriage obviously did not turn out as expected... 

Of course my brother did everything right. Married, became a preacher of God, had three wonderful children and is now a missionary to France-with the delusion that the people over there will listen and accept the same bullshit beliefs I was raised on. The previous missionary was there for 7 years and only had one convert... 

But of course my brother is the golden child and the entire family is so proud and happy that he dedicated his life to serving God, just like his father. It sounds like I'm jealous of him. On the surface, I don't think I am. In a way, I'm jealous because I would like to have had the "traditional family" . I'm aware that there's no such thing as the traditional family and only slightly long for it due to nostalgia for my belief system. I would also love to have children but have not chosen to adopt yet.

I'm also a bit jealous, or at least sad, that they have such a good standing with my family and have nothing to hide. (having something to hide from my family would be a good future topic.) I fucking miss my family. We were raised very close. A bond that cannot be severed, but it is at best very strained. And the real kicker is that they actually want to connect with me! I'm the one who doesn't call!

Why don't I call? Anxiety plays a huge role in this. What is feeding the anxiety? Guilt? Shame? Fear of confrontation? I'm getting a lot of good future topics tonight....

I do have a huge fear of confrontation. And trust me, I own my own business in the service industry and I'm lucky to avoid any confrontation in a single day! One of my worst goddamn fears! I really need to go into why do I have a fear of Confrontation. Because it's making my life miserable. 

It's obvious the roadmap I was given was inaccurate, considering it was built on lies and altruistic beliefs. And at the same time, I can't hate them. They were only doing what they believe is right. They don't know any better.

Forgive them, for they know not what they do. 

Edited October 3, 2018 by seeking_brilliance

[seeking_brilliance]

10-5-18

Not sure if this qualifies as autolysis,  but it felt good to get it out. 

------—---------—-----------—-----------—--------

     I have a fear of confrontation. This is one of my main biggest fears. It runs deep. All week I have been trying to figure out where it stems from, but only in my head. We'll see how far I can get tonight. From what I can find, it comes from a very heavy bullying beginning in Middle School.

     From kindergarten to 5th grade, I was a very Carefree, happy kid. Outgoing, had friends, liked school.

     Fucking puberty.

    It fucks up everything. I don't remember exactly what happened that triggered the bullying, but it coincides with the same year I started puberty. And along with weird looking hairs growing in places that never had before, puberty also came neatly packaged with super- sensitive self-awareness. It took me the next 20 years to realize that this was the seed that was planted, which grew into the ugliest thing plaguing the entire world: anxiety.

     Anxiety sucks. My mom has it. My brother has it. His daughter has it. My husband. His mom, sister, and dad has it. Every single one of my employees, and the few that had been replaced have had it. I despise this ailment, and I'm fucking surrounded by it! Like, what the hell? I have fantasized that maybe it happened that way, organized by the universe itself (or whatever) just so I could realize it for myself. But who knows? Either way, living around all of this really opened my eyes to the evil monster who has plauged  a very large portion of my life. Either obnoxiously buzzing in the background, or blaring it's erroneous ass out loud for everyone to hear and see.

    Anxiety fucking sucks. I don't exactly know it's relation to my fear of confrontation, but I experience my fear of confrontation through the feeling of anxiety. At some point I went to delve into what is anxiety : a feeling? Emotion? Problem is I don't even know what feelings and emotions are!

     Back on track. I have a fear of Confrontation. So far I blame it on puberty and bullying. Right now I will delve into bullying, and not concern myself with if this fear goes deeper, or was planted much earlier on. 

When did The Bullying start? I had a very traumatic experience in 5th grade when a new kid moved to town. This memory is pretty fuzzy, but at some point this new kid became friends with my best friend since kindergarten, Scott. One day, upon arriving to school, I made our way over to our usual hangout spot where we wait until the first bell rings. Before getting there, this new kid, Matthew, stops me and sternly tells me that I can't go any further and I'm not to come around my group of friends anymore. I had been pretty close to this group since about first grade, spending every recess together all of those years, typically two or three reccesses a day, I believe. Scott had been over for many a birthday party, and I to his. I wasn't as close to the other guys (and occasional girl) in the group, but as I said we played with each other every single school day on the playground for years. This new kid changed my life. If you would have asked me back then, I'd even say he ruined my life. I dunno, but it was definitely changed from that.... whatever it was. Bullshit, for sure.

     So after being excommunicated from the only friends I'd ever had, I had a bit of a void to fill. I joined band and choir. I loved singing in church, as I was raised to do so since I was practically born, so choir seemed a no-brainer. I also had an interest in music, as my mom had taught me to play piano since early childhood, (mostly church hymns of course) so band interested me as well. Ha. If only I knew I was making another life altering choice. This is what really started the bullying.

     I was such a bright and cheerful kid. I loved singing in church. I miss it to this day. I sang and acted in two school plays in 3rd and 4th grade. No fear, no humility. Just a sunshine loving kid.

     That's not to say I wasn't a little shy, I was. Even though I loved singing in church - because I was a good little Christian and loved God and Jesus and was taught that God loves for us to sing to him-- I did get sometimes shy and nervous and question myself now and then, as any child does. But comparing this shyness and self-awareness to post - bullying is like comparing an ant to an elephant. I think childhood shyness is a different matter than fear-based anxiety. But who knows? Maybe it's not.

     Okay back on track. I have a fear of confrontation. Possibly stems from bullying. My first true bullying experience came from the excommunication of my group of friends possibly orchestrated by the new kid, and turned into a class wide bullying after joining band and choir. Oh, and a crush I had on a pretty, somewhat popular girl. 

     I'll start with choir. 6th grade. Puberty rearing it's awkward head. But my entire life, it had been very natural for me to sing soprano. Although I had taught myself to harmonize and sing the alto parts, I had always loved singing soprano. It was natural. You get to sing the melody. The other parts like alto sounded pretty, but weren't as fun or interesting as the melody. However, apparently in a small school, in the backwards-ass small town in Arkansas, being the only boy singing soprano in 6th grade choir was not a great idea. Who knew?

      Who knew that all the boys should have only sung baritone? They wouldn't even be caught dead in the alto section, and here comes this girly freak who loves singing  soprano and is also kind of a good at it. Good enough for the choir instructor to fawn over me, and sign me up for competitions.

     And the  "manly" boys couldn't handle it. They were completely unable to process that someone could be different than their idea of what a 6th grade boy from fuck-where Arkansas should sing in choir. Soprano. Oh my God, the horror! So girly! So weird!

     And the ringleader of these fun times was none other than - new kid! Yep, Matthew, the one who moved to town and ruined/changed my life, perpetuated most of the bullying in the choir room, but didn't necessarily need to persuade the other boys to do so. What a wonderful little shit he was, huh. I have an unanswered friend request from him on Facebook.

     But it was my other mistake (was it?) which cemented my place as class loser.

      There was this girl named Amy. She was so pretty. Yes folks, good little christian Sam was not yet gay. I had such a crush on Amy. She was on my school bus route, so I was always sat nearby her when grouping the bus ride by age. She once told me I had the prettiest eyes in science class, where she was assigned to the seat in front of me, as seating with assigned alphabetically. Once she passed me a note with a "do you like me? Yes or no?" I don't remember which one I circled, but not long after that, there might have been a note in her backpack to meet me by the trash cans if she likes me, or whatever. Except I put it into the wrong backpack of another popular student and the whole grade found out.

     Now when I say the whole grade, there were only about a hundred of us. Middle School consisted of three grades of about 100 each. Everyone knew everyone. There were the usual clicks of course: the band nerds, the  "cool" kids, the preppy kids, the football players, and soon after, the cheerleaders. The nerds-- who ironically, I wouldn't associate myself with. Partly because they were annoying.

     I didn't belong in a single one of them. And that hurt. It stung hard. I became a shell of myself. Extremely shy, withdrawn, and untrusting to everyone who wasn't my family. To them I remained cheerful and carefree, though a bit guarded. Until the next big trauma, of course- being outed to my family. 

     Back on topic, the popular kid showed my letter not only to Amy and her group, but also the other popular kids, which crossed over into the footballers, and who knows from there? The whole grade finding out was a bit dramatic. But it didn't matter. The right ones found out. My doom was imminent.

     They held off for a while though. Meanwhile I'm inviting her to sunrise service on Easter Sunday, through my "in" from the popular crowd, Anthony Sykes, who sparsely attended church my dad was pastoring. He pretended to be my friend, but thought it was funny enough to share with his friends and Amy herself, that I was inviting her to church or whatever. And that I had a crush on her.

     Meanwhile, I'm pretty sure Amy was only toying with me the whole time. Never interested. It was fun. And now it was fun to make fun, along with everyone else that mattered. And it may seem small to anyone who might read this, but in that hell-hole school, once you're branded, you're branded. And that's the beginning of this reign of terror. How I started to get bullied and never fit in for the next 5 years.

     So what does this have to do with having a fear of Confrontation? Who or what fears?

      There were many confrontations spurned from the non stop bullying. Anywhere from downright open meanness  to trying to be as coy as possible and do it behind my back. It's possible a lot of it was in my head, but there's no way to prove it now. My life was changed regardless.

     What do confrontations do to me? But first of all, confrontations aren't real things, so they technically can't do anything to me. I don't even know what a me is! However, the answer is that they alter my Consciousness. I can't think clearly. Memory is askew. My heart races. It feels like millions of microscopic electrocuting jellyfish in my stomach and chest. I find it hard to breathe. I hyperventilate while simultaneously trying to remedy the confrontation, if possible, through labored breathing and malfunctioning consciousness.

     This is my reaction at work, where I have no choice but to put myself through it. If it were to happen in public I don't know how I'd react. It's much more random, anywhere from being scared but very sorry, to wishing I could run away. I wouldn't though. I was raised not to do so. I may have had a dogmatic bible-thumping preacher for a father, but he was also very loving and raised me with morals. I'm feeling regret for barely talking to him. We talk on Facebook but I can't remember the last time I've heard his voice. I think he was in the hospital for surgery or something. But my fear of confrontation stops me. I let it. I don't want to confront things that have happened, even though he knows I'm gay and now married to a man, those words have never passed my lips to him. I won't face it. So it's easier to ignore him. Count him off as not important. It's just easier that way. And at the same time I feel huge regret. He didn't 100% deserve to practically lose one of his sons. He never disowned me. I disowned myself, out of fear. Fear of facing the truth, with him. I couldn't talk about it, so I don't. Since I can't tell him about 99% of my life, we don't have very much to talk about. I could let him in on some of it, like my depression Cycles, anxiety, fear of Confrontation and probably fear of coping. But he'd only tell me that it's because I'm living in sin. The devil has me and I will never feel whole again unless I renounce my lifestyle, repent, and come back to God. Even writing this brings energy buzzing sensation to my heart. As if part of me still believes him. I swear I don't, but something is still anchored to that dogmatic doctrine. It doesn't exist, Sam, stop it! It's not real. There is no God to come back to. You never went anywhere. There's nowhere to go. Nowhere to hide. So nothing can be lost. Or found.

     But my dad thinks this way and I pity him. For how much heartbreak it brings. Fearing that your family members who have stopped going to church  long ago might not be in heaven for eternity. Not understanding why they can't see how important it is.

I Have a fear of Confrontation. Don't know if I got to the root of it, but I feel satisfied for now. The only other option would be what happened as a toddler or something to plant the seed? And I don't see how I can verify that. Possibly hypnosis or regression, but is that verifiable? Who the fuck knows.

Oh well, signing off for now.

 

Edited October 6, 2018 by seeking_brilliance

[seeking_brilliance]

        It occurs to me that the process of spiritual autolysis is to find what is true. But I don't even know what truth is!

        So let's dive into that.

        What is truth? Any rational mind you may ask would say "well, it's the opposite of false." but what is false? It just kind of keeps going round and round but no good answers.

        Let's see what the dictionary says:

•  That which is true in accordance with fact or reality.
•  A fact or belief that is accepted as true.
• The quality or state of being true.

        Okay... Well those aren't very satisfying.

        "A fact or belief that is accepted as true."  What? What's a fact? Or a belief? Two more things that I need to explore. Interesting that it mentions belief, since I have a feeling that's like 99.99% of the universe... Whatever that is. Or reality. Or me, whatever you want to call it. What would be left if all the beliefs were stripped away? Is it even possible to find out? Or would  everything collapse in upon itself? I dunno! What is a belief? I will not dive  into this now, but may be a future topic soon. However, it is interesting to find it among the definitions of Truth.

        What is a fact? The definition I can think of is something that can be proven, or verified. Let's see what the dictionary says:

• A thing that is indisputably the case.

        "The most commonly known fact about hedgehogs is that they have fleas" - lol, okay... 

• Used in discussing the significance of something that is the case.

           " the real problem facing them is the fact that their funds are being cut."

• The truth about events as opposed to interpretation.

        Only the last one seemed satisfying to me as a description of truth. But hang on, how is there any way to take facts as truth? The majority of" facts" I "know" are second hand. The only way to know a fact is to directly experience it. I can't know if a so-called fact from any other is truly verifiable. Unless I experience it for myself. And yes there are some outright liars. But even the ones that genuinely want to share a true fact, probably never experienced it for themselves. So now it's third hand. Or fourth? Tenth? Who the fuck knows? It's crazy how much we rely on assumptions and hearsay. This includes facts like:

        The Earth is round.... the sun is a boiling star made of gas..... There are tiny cells perpetuating this body. At least the latter is somewhat easy to experience for myself with the help of a microscope. I could see my own cells, sure, but I still wouldn't really know what the hell they are, or what they do. I would still be working on assumptions.

      What is truth? I don't have a clue! It doesn't seem very easy to define, for being a word that is mostly taken for granted. In case I should look instead for the definition of "true" :

•  In accordance with fact or reality. (there's that one again) 
•  Accurate or exact.

        Still not very satisfying. Facts, I'm determining, are "truths" (ugh) of things I can directly verify (although to break that one down, it's still undetermined if I can truly verify anything...)

        Reality -- ha. Should I even touch this one?  But if reality is essentially me, then it's sayable that I am truth. And truth is me. Truth is reality, and reality is truth. Everything. It would encapsulate everything. Even things that can't be verified by direct experience, because they are a part of a reality.

        I Will hold off on this for now in case I'm misinterpreting the meaning of reality in this definition. And for the fact that I still don't even know what the hell reality is.

        Okay what is truth? The answer. The swing. The trombone. The call. The Sword. The pocket. The time.

        ( was letting the words come to me..... to interpret them I would say that truth is the small things as well as the big.)

Interpretation. That was in the definition I liked about facts. "the truth about events as opposed to interpretation"

        Everything is an interpretation! So how could truth be everything if it is the opposite of interpretation?  Or is it both? Something to ponder.

        What is interpretation? I consider interpretation to be a reassimilation of ideas and events tailored to each individual's matrix of psychology and beliefs..... And it seems that perhaps everything anyone does or says is an interpretation. As if the very act of doing anything, literally anything, is an interpretation of something. What, I don't know yet, but something. Perhaps truth itself. And truth encapsulates truth itself, the Interpreter, and the interpretation. Therefore truth can literally be everything. Perhaps the question "what is truth" is invalid, because the  the truer question is, what isn't truth?

        But at the same time, what is it? Is it everything? Is it anything at all? Just an idea? a belief? We speak of it as a thing - but what thing? Can I hold it in my hand?

        Truth is everything that is, and is not. It is the rock, and the angel. The smoke and the clouds.

         Man I really want to go into interpretation and especially everything I do is an interpretation. And I have a hunch that I am interpreting truth. And emulating it. The only way I know how. Due to a  completely unique set of neural networks which were seeds planted by this body's experiences, society, and beleifs.

       And that's all I can do (if there is an I to do anything) : interpret and emulate truth. My way. The only way I know how. And it is impossible for me to do anything that isn't truth. Even if I dont exist anyway. Even if everything is an illusion. An illusion of truth is both non- truth and truth.

        I don't know. Not convinced. It seems nice to say that truth encapsulates all, including non-truths, but that does not feel verified. Perhaps even verifiable. We'll see.

         So, so far the verdict is: I still honestly don't understand what truth is. It could be everything or it could just be an idea, or.... I don't really know.

       Whatever, I can live with that for now. I have given myself a lot to ponder.

 

Edited October 7, 2018 by seeking_brilliance

[seeking_brilliance]

10-7-18

        Life is an interpretation. This isn't particularly something I know to be true, but more of an Insight from last night that I want to explore.

        In my own words, I suppose it means that the entirety of one's life, including everything one does or doesn't do, is a direct interpretation of what is expected of us to do. Whether or not there is anything expected, we tend to believe there is, and act accordingly. We interpret how to express these actions based on rather random variables: such as memory, experiences, fear level, time of day, energy level, social conditioning, self conditioning, Etc. All of these variables match the consciousness of the individual making the choice.

        But I'm still stuck on what are we interpreting? Last night I said truth as a possible answer. But then again, I can't even come to a satisfying definition of truth. But even if that were "true," it doesn't mean that it could be all we are interpreting.

        When I read a book, or listen to an audiobook, I interpret what the author is saying and imagine the story based on many of my unique individual presets. For imagining the male lead, for instance, I may mentally insert one of the males I had a crush on in college. Or if the main character is younger, someone I went to school with. Most likely one I had a crush on back then, and all of that only for the sake of having a nice looking character in my mind movie. For whatever reason, I prefer handsome lead male - sue me. And the style of clothes he wears or facial expressions he makes, will be a synchronized cooperation between the author's description and my own biased presets.

        Therefore, my mind movie of imagining scenes from Harry Potter may be vastly different than Jim Bob's down the street. And in some ways it might be somewhat similar, with the added benefit of having the movies to give us a point of reference for the imagination to use as visuals. But even though they have increased chances of some scenes being similar, they still would both be is vastly different as people can be as individuals. Due to some random-based generator which spat out the details of our lives. And this is my rough definition of interpretation.

        So of course, this can be applied to  "real life" as well. Every situation we encounter is filtered (instantly, but not always) through this Matrix or construct of our selfs. Whether or not there truly is a self doesn't matter. The way I interpret reality (different from my neighbors own interpretation, or my dog's) makes it real enough to care. Perhaps at one point I may interpret reality differently. In many ways I know I already do, from even a year ago now. Perhaps it is even this interpretation, if it were to be given a vessel, is the "I" I've been looking for. The "I" is the vessel for its own interpretations of reality. It becomes the Chicken and the Egg question, which came first, the I or the I's interpretation. Well I could be way off base here, so please someone straighten me out.

        This is all said without entertaining the notion that all of that said is based on assumptions. I don't know if Jim Bob actually does interpret reality differently than I do, I just assume he does based on his altered actions compared to mine. The only way to truly know would be to experience his mind for myself, and compare. But unfortunately I haven't found any way to do that! I don't even truly know if there is a Jim Bob down the street, or if I'm only imagining him. Currently, I see no reason why it couldn't be both. Who am I to say? It's all guesswork for me.

        Another assumption is that the "I" is anything substantial enough to be a container for anything, or if it is truly nothing, and has no power or will of its own.

        Regardless, my actions, thoughts, and experiences are interpretations of a unique Matrix of randomly-generated chaos, memory (which is faulty) , Cosmic order, social conditioning, self conditioning, energy level, diet, convictions and beliefs. Did I miss anything?

        What am I interpreting? I think it is clear that it is reality. It's like I'm in reality, but not, because I'm too busy interpreting it.

        Let's see what the dictionary says about interpretation.

•  The action of explaining the meaning of something.
• An explanation or way of explaining.
• A stylistic representation of a creative work or dramatic role.

        The first one sticks out to me.

        Action of explaining the meaning of something. Everything I do is an action. If there were no more actions, there would be no more I. Will the I return When the actions resume? Would it be the same I? Probably not, for multiple reasons. Let's say that the no-I profoundly changes me. When actions resume, a profoundly changed me is not the "I" from before the experience. (sidenote: I wanted to write non-experience, but I don't know if the experience ends when there is no more me (when the I ends)).

        The old me sacrifices and gives birth to the new I. Sometimes the new I could be better, perhaps sometimes not. But this happens whether we choose to or not. This happens every night when we lay to sleep. The 'I' you think you are dies, and is reborn like a phoenix rising from the ashes, upon awakening. Now this new  'I' may be only so so subtley different that we mistake it for the one who we were yesterday. This reinforces a sense of identity and is likely a survival Instinct perpetuated by ego. To wake up to a new self everyday is too overwhelming for ego, which prefers stability and consistency. In fact it's begun to rely on those two conditions and formed an unhealthy dependency on them through many cycles of evolution, through the micro and the macro.

      Every new self we embody, whether we realize it as a new self or not, tends to be an interpretation of the one who passed away in the night. It can be interpreted at different levels of intensity, but ultimately will be a mere interpretation based on the Matrix of variables listed above. Is this Matrix the ego? Or does the ego only access it? The ego ultimately does not exist, yet at the same time it seems to think it is running the show. Here I go treating it as an entity though. Perhaps that does add fuel to the flame.

        But what's even more mind-blowing is that the rebirth cycle of self doesn't only happen after sleeping, but ultimately happens every second, perhaps even down to the nanosecond, of continual ever-evolving rebirth of self, the I. Each one an interpretation of the last.

     Perhaps in this way, it can be explained how there is no I, because it cannot be pinned down, even to the nanosecond. And that it is only an interpretation of reality/truth/existence. And being an interpretation it is both reality and non reality. Truth and non truth. Existence and non-existence.  

Edited October 8, 2018 by seeking_brilliance

[seeking_brilliance]

10-10-18
     I know what I want in life.

     This is of course a complete farce, because I also have a sneaky suspicion that I don't know what the hell I want. 

     I've never actually listed out things I do want, so lets do that now:

     I want happiness. Peace. Love. Understanding. Quietness. Bonding. Shape (?)(what the hell?). Conformity. Boundaries. Spaciousness.  ***(these were the first words that came to mind)***

• I want to enjoy life.
• I want to enjoy my career.
• I want to feel peace. 
• I want to find quietness. Stillness.

     Honestly these are my tops. Is it wrong of me to want these things to make me happy? I want for nothing to make me happy. I want to have no more wants. Not dependent on any conditions to make me happy. That's where bliss is. Not dependent. But accepting and grateful when any of my pettier wants and desires are fulfilled. 

     Why would I want to enjoy my like and career?  With no wants, all would be enjoyed, no matter. The good and the bad. Because I wouldn't want it any other way. 

     Why would I want to feel peace? This probably goes a bit deeper, because it involves pain. Anxiety. Emotional, shitty pain.  I consider (probably falsely) peace to be the opposite of constant anxiety. I feel it quite often. **(actually only occasionally but I feel the way something is written the first time has more impact on subconscious, or whatever. Who the hell knows who or what controls all that, or if it even can  be controlled). But with no wants, I wouldn't need to feel peace at all times, I wouldn't want it any other way. The good times and the bad. 

     I want to find quietness and stillness. Why would I want this? Well, I do have a lot of mind chatter. Non-stop. Sometimes it shuts up, but its a needle in a haystack  for that one. It's wild and untamed. It used to repeat things over and over, but that annoyed me so I taught it to shut up with that. Still happens very very rarely. But good luck on getting it to shut up completely. Sorry, monkey mind aspect of Samuel- I love ya bro, but mommy needs a rest. Some peace and quiet sometimes. 

     But why do I need it? Would it be better to not want it at all? Surrender to the non-stop chatter, and just love it unconditionally? Maybe I could even find a way for it to entertain myself. If you can't beat it, join it, right? And I wont have it forever. This too shall pass. And then who will I be?

     Back on track: any other reasons I should not want quietness/stillness? Because the ego wants desires to be filled. It knows its running out of time. There's no time to stop and smell the roses. They're dead. Move on. Nothing to see here. Samuel wants love. Samuel wants things that were listed at the top as conditions for happiness. Samuel wants a lot of things. What Samuel needs is to learn not to want. Not because he doesn't care, but because there's no point. No point to want. It creates conflict. And at the same time, its ok to have little wants here and there, like wanting to help a friend, or wanting your business to succeed. Just don't grow an unhealthy dependency on them. You must first have no wants, break the bonds it has on you, and afterwards not form a dependency on benign wants. That is the secret to enjoying life. Of course its a paradox, why wouldn't it be?

     Why is it a paradox? To want but not to want. It is with both, harmonized, that holds the key to happiness. No-wants fulfills the need to be content, wants fulfills the need for entertainment.

       But aren't wants and needs the same thing? 
       
        That's the problem, I think they are, to some degree, even though I know better. So wouldn't it be better to have no needs? I thought no wants was the key. Well, I didn't say there was only one key. One must have both. Or not have, rather. But quitting wanting is the first step to this liberation. And the body will always have some basic needs for survival of course. But even they could have no impact on my happiness. I pray (probably in vain), I never need to find out. 

     SO. I agree I need to have no wants. This must be achieved, or something. It would be great to say-- "Ok, I have no more wants!" But for some reason I have to take the slow route and learn not to want. Oh well, that's life, huh?

     Ironically, I think the path to not wanting starts with actually getting to the core of what I (Samuel) really want(s). Perhaps if I hear it out, it will stop buzzing. Perhaps I can please it somehow. Find an answer for it, so not to shut it up but to liberate it. Liberate my own desire from itself. Talk about meta. Is that not the purpose of this whole thing? To liberate myself from myself? I'm sure I'll cross many parallels on this journey. 

     So I need to list all of my wants and needs down, and really get down to the core of them. The essentials. What the fuck do I really want? What do I need vs. what the body needs. This will be my next one or two entries. 

          Signing off for now. 

 

 

[seeking_brilliance]

My (Sam's) wants:

I want to feel good. (what is feeling good?)
I want to feel happy. (what is happy?)
I want to feel free. (what is feeling free?)
I want to find peace. (what is peace?)
I want my business to be successful. (what is success?)
I want my employees to be reliable. 
I want there to be no bad interactions between clients. 
I want Michael to love me. (what is love?)
I want my friends to love me. (what are friends?)
I want to feel confident. (what is confidence?)
I want to feel secure. (what is security?)
I want to feel special. (who wants to feel special?)
I want the people I love to be happy. (who are the people I love?)
I want to share my happiness with them. (what are "them", what am I?)
I want to be free of the prison of my mind. (what is a mind?)
I want to be the prison, and beyond the prison. (whatever that means)
I want to find the truth of reality. 
I want to explore consciousness. 
I want to help others learn to explore consciousness. 
I want to explore imagination. 
I want to explore another's imagination. 
I want to know why.
I want to know what. 
I want to know how.
I want to be real.
I want to feel real. 
I want to know what real is, if real exists. 
I want to know if real is not just relative.
I want to know what relative really .
I want to comprehend the paradoxes.
I want to explore my dreams.
I want to be entertained. 
I want my dreams to be the best entertainment. 
I want to stop smoking. 
I want to heal from the effects of smoking.
I want the body to heal completely and feel brand new.
I want to become lucid in life.
I want to learn what that means. 
I want to be free form the imprisonment of anxiety.
I want anxiety to dissolve with love. 
I want to learn to love. 
I want to learn what love is.
I want to practice true love.
I want to know what any purpose is.
I want there to be a purpose, even if there's not, because it feels good. It makes us feel whole. And that's all we need to be satisfied. Then I can bear no more guilt for all the abominations I have created, whether intentionally or not. Perhaps I used to not feel guilt, but then I experienced the pain for myself. How could I turn my eye now? 
       (ok, so I definitely have a deep psychological desire for purpose. I'm sure most will tell me its ego. We'll see.)

I want answers. 
I want guidance. 
I want to understand myself.
I want to understand all parts of myself, and I want to know if there are parts of myself, or plainly just no self at all.
I want some hints. 
I want to cheat a little. Just a little.
I want to go home.
I want to know what home is.
I want to know why I keep using the word "I".
I want to know why I have questions.
I want to know why I have wants. 
I want to know where to find answers. (who finds answers?)
I want to know what's going on.
I want to be a willing participant in it. Or be given a choice.
I want to be acknowledged. 
I want to smile. 
I want to want to smile. And laugh. 

I want to have no wants. I don't want to depend on anything listed above for happiness. I am content. Always. 

wow, I want a lot. As long as there is a persona, a role to played out, there will be wants. This persona was named Sam. As long as Sam exists, as long as the role is continued, there are conditions which exist that perhaps wouldn't if there were no Sam. There are others that rely on this persona, named Sam, who seems  to be tethered to a tall, lanky body of a brown haired male from fuck-where Arkansas.  But the people that rely upon this Sam. A husband. A mother. Friends. Family. Employees. Sam himself. There's too much invested. Every single one of these reliers expect Sam to do his best. Sam expects himself to do his best for others. Sam likes it when others seem him do his best. It feels good. And Sam enjoys feeling good.
     So there will always be wants and needs associated with this role of Sam and his friends, as long as it continues to play out. There's no escaping that. 
     But I can choose (can I?) to detach from these wants, and be grateful if even one is met, as a way to contentedness. 
     Contentedness was important, growing up as a good little christian. We were to be content with the Lord. I used to marvel at how good I was at that. Once there was no more "Lord", perhaps I was too ungrounded to find contentedness. Or perhaps I only imagined to have it before, when I had something to use as a crutch-- the Lord Jesus Christ. Perhaps I was just a dumb kid who hadn't experienced enough of reality to be anything but content. Who the hell knows?
     Though I have been searching for it ever since.