Step Son

[DizIzMikey]

Thank you for the advice

 

Edited March 30, 2016 by DizIzMikey

[Grasshopper]

Having another parent that parents differently definitely complicates things. Try to focus on only what you can control, and let go of what you can't. It won't be the perfect situation, but hopefully you can make the best of it.

First off, know that none of what your step son does is personal. If you already do know, just reinforce that. His brain has been wired by his previous situations. He needs compassion and understanding.

If you are able, I would recommend looking up a child therapist. They can be a very resourceful guide in situations like these. I'd also recommend a book called "No Drama Discipline." It basically outlines ways to help give your child consistent boundaries while still having love and compassion. It's not a "fix all," but I've found the knowledge to help my understanding of the developing brain and also to provide thoughtful ideas and methods when children aren't acting their best, and also when they are acting their best (positive reinforcement is important).

Also, know that you're not alone. I can definitely relate to your situation. It's not easy. The more support you can find, so you're not going through this alone, the better. If you are willing, try looking up some single-dad (or married) support groups in your local area.

As far as the "do not know" mediation, the best advice I can give on that is to watch out for the "life would be happier if" thoughts. This means you are assuming there is an "if." What would it mean if there wasn't an "if" and that there was no "you" (freewill) that got you in your situation? What would that mean? Contemplate that.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 29, 2016 by Grasshopper

[DizIzMikey]

@Grasshopper Ahh well thank you for your input

 

[Joyboy]

Love him, problem solve. (absolutely not easy as it sounds)

[Jastilus]

Am I blind, or didn't you mention what age your son is?

It sound to me like you should clarify the situation with your wife first. You two need to "speak with one mouth" (that is german saying, I hope it translates) or your son will be disorientated if one parent tells him A and the other tells B. You need to know what values you want to hold up, what behavior is tolerated and what is not and what are the gains for good behavior and what are the penalties for bad. Talk about how problems should be solved in the family, perhaps you want to establish some ritual like once a week or even oce a day (perhabs after dinner at the evening), where everybody is asked to tell of the day and can bring up problems, even about other members of the family. 

Once you are on the same page as your wife you need to make your guidelines absolutely clear to the biological father. (it sounds like he is still in the picture somewhere). Get him onboard if possible by pointing out the benefits for his son.

Then talk to your son together with your wife. Make absolutely clear that you love and support him, but that there are (and must be) rules for people living together. Make clear what these rules are or discuss rules with him, if he is old eneough to give some input. Make clear what he has to benefit and what penalties he gets for disbehavior. Then be asbolutely strict about this, you really need to get your wife on board with this, because a child deserves and needs a predictable enviroment to learn how to cope with the unpredicability of life outside of your home. Home is the safe base for childs, here you should know what action has what result.

After that be loving, kind and live the values you want him to learn. That is the hardest part for sure, my 5 year old son reflects EVERY single one of my bad behaviors and attitudes. I critisize my wife for shit, so does he. But the good part is, when I am loving, compassionate and kind, he is too. He just has a lag in this of 2-3 days. 
I think this lag gets longer, as they grow older, so you might have to be that good example for weeks or month, especially if he has traumatic experiences with an abusive father figure.

 

 

[Nathalie]

11 hours ago, Jastilus said:

it sound to me like you should clarify the situation with your wife firs

 

@DizIzMikey I think the same because it seems that she already has the feeling she must protect him from you.. and maybe you soon will have to battle against all of them.

One more thing : Are you sure you have to control the whole situation? Is it your role? How did it function before you came to the family?

Could you imagine the possibility to relaxe yourself a little? Are really all the rules you want to be respected necessary or can you quite a few? I mean often we don't question our principles anymore.. just because we're adults.. because we know better.. or because it functioned in the past..

DId you already tried this :

each time you feel angry just try to step aside and look at your anger, feel it, acknoledge it and question it deeply..

Does it makes sense to you?

This is at least a feeling I know and it's really amazing when you can look at the rage or anger without being overwhelmed by it..

14 hours ago, DizIzMikey said:

is this little prick seriously a reflection of myself?

If it's a reflection maybe to master your emotions?

PS: why don't you call him by his name.. ? It would eventually help you to hate him a little less..

[charlie2dogs]

14 hours ago, DizIzMikey said:

Little fucker likes to test his limits so much, stresses me out undoubtedly, is this little prick seriously a reflection of myself?

He is been raised by an abusive father who has beat him on occasion, and brings his problems to our house.

Acts like he knows everything like a pompous little ass, and has no respect for elders.... the other day he was watching Adam Sandler

and I think we told him about Adam sandlers accomplishments or something of that nature and he was like THIS FOOL?

With an arrogant disgusting revolting tone, I told the little fucker not to go in the bathroom while his sister is taking a shower and approximately three times he goes in there which annoyed the shit out of me.

He does way too much, and I don't think I like him anymore at all! I really would have a happier life if he wasn't around, and I just might manifest him from my reality although I'm unsure... I mean the "do not know" meditation works but only when I concentrate it and I can't concentrate on that the whole day

Once it's off I get annoyed with him with this constant lack of respect for his elders

His mother is his shield, I cannot fucking talk to him without her butting in and protecting him like he doesn't have a mouth and tells me how I should talk to him.. WTF?

God how I hate the little shit sometimes, but than again I just need to get back into the not knowing state I guess

I have an ego still somewhat and I'm always drained around him... he thinks the living room has monkey bars and he's doing aerobics its like..go do that shit outside

because he almost hits his little sister or does it over n over even i tell him not to do it

I've been living with this little horrid shit for over 6-8 months now ... I try to talk to him but he closes me out, and wont talk about his problems and I've had enough!

Suggestions on how should I approach this little Satan spawn?

 

 

You, and him the mother need professional counseling, maybe the father needs to be arrested for child abuse.  The father has harmed this child a lot, and you are not capable of dealing with or helping him at this point.  I know this may sound a little harsh to you but your statement here says a great deal, and me beating around the bush and trying to make you feel better wont help you, him or the mother, all three of you need to see a qualified counselor for a while.

[DizIzMikey]

@charlie2dogs Actually I agree with you, thank you.

[charlie2dogs]

8 hours ago, DizIzMikey said:

@charlie2dogs Actually I agree with you, thank you.

You are most welcome, and your reply says a great deal,  I do have experience in all the areas that you are dealing with, but to try and give you advice on it here in this forum would be doing you a great injustice, if you can do the counselor thing, look and find one that has helped others in a way that improved their lives, that is important, I really think it would make a much better and happier life for all of you.  Good luck to you and your family.