Too actualized to be in a relationship?

[GaiaGoddess]

I am running into a strange problem. Ever since starting personal development and actualizing myself, I have noticed that relationships don't work for me. Is this an actual problem that people can have, when they start growing and evolving as a person?

I have been on this journey for about 10 years. In that time I have had 2 relationships. In both of them, I don't know how else to word this but I feel like I am too actualized for them. So I end up feeling like I should just be alone because having a boyfriend makes me feel like they can't relate to me so I end up dragging myself down to their level vibrationally and they start to feel like a toxic anchor to me. They have no knowledge or interest in the things I enjoy, they are stuck in the mode of "sitting around smoking weed watching video games and tv" EVERY weekend. My most recent boyfriend was an extreme example of this. That's all he did on weekends and that's all he wanted to do with me. I took him to a few spiritual music festivals that are life-changing for everyone that attends, but not him...he felt uncomfortable and left early and it caused a major rift between us and we ended up breaking up partly because of that. It really hurt me to end that relationship because he said I made him happier than he's ever been, and he was alone and depressed for 5 years before meeting me, all his other exes left him too so I felt guilty leaving him but I just knew it wasn't going to work with us being so different.

Even when we were together, I still made plans for festivals and camping, and most of the time ended up going alone. I did more things alone than with him. When I would tell him about a new book I got, he wouldn't even ask me what it was about. When I would tell him I want to eat healthy, he would buy me pizza just so we could eat together. When he would come over and I'd have an educational documentary on, he would sit down and grab the remote and ask if I wanted to watch wrestling or some fictional tv show with a subject matter I couldn't have cared less about. 

My relationship before this last one was mostly the same way, he just wanted to sit and watch movies and tv shows, and when I would show him my arts and crafts stuff I was working on, he would laugh and not know what to say and it made me feel judged. He did go to music festivals with me but instead of using it as a spiritual experience, he would go just to do drugs and meet new people to do drugs with. I feel like no matter who i'm with, I am pretty much alone.

Can anyone relate to this problem? I do want to be in a relationship but it seems like I am never happy in them because I am too "actualized" and end up feeling like they might as well be an alien because they are so different from me. It seems like most men are like this, not just ones I date but also male friends, my brother, etc. I feel like it's going to be a very lonely life for me if I can't find someone who is actually interested in making themselves a better person and has an interest in me making myself a better person.

[aurum]

@GaiaGoddess

This is definitely a real phenomena. Once the vibrational gap grows too large between you and the person you are dating, you break up. Which is what happened in your example of the boyfriend at the music festival. He felt uncomfortable because the energy was not what he was used to.

The good news is that high vibration people are out there. Don't fall into victim stories about "there's no good people out there". That will only push the right partner further away. Stay open, stay trusting, keep putting yourself out there and let the universe handle the rest.

[RabbitHole]

I can't write everything I think about this as It would take me infinity to write It all, but yes, you're not alone. I wouldn't call myself enlightened, just "woke", but that's already faaar away from 95% of society and It's really a struggle to find someone who I could relate with on deep level and completely open up myself. I wouldn't have any problem to find attractive girlfriend, but there's no point in It as the way my mind works will be too different for us to have real, satisfying relationship. I have tried expressing 10% of myself and expressing just the upper layers of myself, but that's pointless, I can't take that, so here I am single for pretty long time, even though I regularly socialize and girls get attracted to me. I don't wan't to sound narcissistic, but this is really frustrating that girls get attracted to me, but they have no idea what kind of rabbit hole I am, and I don't even know If I wan't anyone to dive in there just for their own safety.

[Shadowraix]

Its a thing.

There is somebody out there who can work with your level of personal development, it'll just be more difficult to find.

When I started my journey, I shared most of it with my current SO and she so far seems to be extremely receptive about it. Just has motivational issues to really get into it.

[GaiaGoddess]

On 9/24/2018 at 9:51 PM, aurum said:

@GaiaGoddess

This is definitely a real phenomena. Once the vibrational gap grows too large between you and the person you are dating, you break up. Which is what happened in your example of the boyfriend at the music festival. He felt uncomfortable because the energy was not what he was used to.

The good news is that high vibration people are out there. Don't fall into victim stories about "there's no good people out there". That will only push the right partner further away. Stay open, stay trusting, keep putting yourself out there and let the universe handle the rest.

Thanks for the reassurance and the hope! Funny thing, just yesterday a guy came into my life who appears to be perfect for me and we have lots of things in common including our lifestyles! Crazy how quickly the universe works sometimes!

[GaiaGoddess]

On 9/25/2018 at 4:40 AM, RabbitHole said:

I can't write everything I think about this as It would take me infinity to write It all, but yes, you're not alone. I wouldn't call myself enlightened, just "woke", but that's already faaar away from 95% of society and It's really a struggle to find someone who I could relate with on deep level and completely open up myself. I wouldn't have any problem to find attractive girlfriend, but there's no point in It as the way my mind works will be too different for us to have real, satisfying relationship. I have tried expressing 10% of myself and expressing just the upper layers of myself, but that's pointless, I can't take that, so here I am single for pretty long time, even though I regularly socialize and girls get attracted to me. I don't wan't to sound narcissistic, but this is really frustrating that girls get attracted to me, but they have no idea what kind of rabbit hole I am, and I don't even know If I wan't anyone to dive in there just for their own safety.

I dont think it's narcissistic to feel that way! It  makes total sense to me. And i'm glad to hear there are guys out there who want that deep connection not just a shallow purely physical relationship. And i hear ya on the being single thing, I didn't have my first date until I was 26 years old! After that boyfriend I was single again for about 15 years. Now they seem to be falling into my lap quicker than I can get over the last one, lol

[Forestluv]

I'm in a similar region of the U.S. and have had a similar experience. The average consciousness level is painfully low. Surface level with little substance. I've dated a bit for companionship and entertainment, yet they don't progress to something meaningful. The consciousness gap is vast. Half of what I want to share and explore with a partner is outside their range - it never goes over well and I end up keeping it to myself. This leads to feelings of loneliness - even within the relationship.

[GaiaGoddess]

26 minutes ago, Serotoninluv said:

I'm in a similar region of the U.S. and have had a similar experience. The average consciousness level is painfully low. Surface level with little substance. I've dated a bit for companionship and entertainment, yet they don't progress to something meaningful. The consciousness gap is vast. Half of what I want to share and explore with a partner is outside their range - it never goes over well and I end up keeping it to myself. This leads to feelings of loneliness - even within the relationship.

Yes, I have found that my relationships pretty much just offer me companionship and entertainment, although i don't need them for entertainment, I don't even consider myself a fan of being "entertained" per se. I do miss the companionship of just having someone around to do things with, however those things are usually not what I would do ideally. It is sad that we have to keep things to ourselves and be lonely even in a relationship. Now that I'm single, it's a different kind of lonely but I'm glad I found this forum so I don't feel so alone anymore!

[cirkussmile]

You will come back to relationship when you grow more. Right now your ego needs to be alone  

[thehero]

yeah. im pretty dis-satisfied with my friend groups. they don't care about anything. 

well they do... it's just video games, complaining, and watching TV 

im also looking for a GF that is at least somewhat developed. Leo recommends finding someone with 50% similar values. because 100% will be difficult. 

 

i'm looking for a gf that is on some kind of path moving forward. any kind of path. just not be stagnant and complacent. 

someone on that's orange/green+. i don't know. pure orange people irk me. could be my shadow side because i'm orange. but orange people are annoying and shallow. 

of course a great vibe and connection with is most important. 

and she needs to be a 5/10 in looks

 

this is literally my bare minimum. if she meets this, i'm ecstatic 

but then comes the problem where she has to like me back D:. ahhh 

 

 

[Shin]

There is like 0,5 to 1% of people that are on the same vibrational level as you.

Don't enter a relationship if a man doesn't have that level.

You say you do festival and stuff, you have enormous chance to meet guys like that there.

[Haumea2018]

OK, guys, time for real talk.

This is not about you being more self-actualized.

You just need to pick better quality men.

They sound like, well, not to be too judgmental, but...losers.

This would be a problem for you regardless of spiritual interest or inclination.

You have to believe you deserve better and pick appropriately.

These things are not a sudden surprise.  We just ignore all warning signs because we want to be with someone.

 

[GaiaGoddess]

On 9/26/2018 at 9:38 PM, thehero said:

yeah. im pretty dis-satisfied with my friend groups. they don't care about anything. 

well they do... it's just video games, complaining, and watching TV 

im also looking for a GF that is at least somewhat developed. Leo recommends finding someone with 50% similar values. because 100% will be difficult. 

 

i'm looking for a gf that is on some kind of path moving forward. any kind of path. just not be stagnant and complacent. 

someone on that's orange/green+. i don't know. pure orange people irk me. could be my shadow side because i'm orange. but orange people are annoying and shallow. 

of course a great vibe and connection with is most important. 

and she needs to be a 5/10 in looks

 

this is literally my bare minimum. if she meets this, i'm ecstatic 

but then comes the problem where she has to like me back D:. ahhh 

 

 

On 9/26/2018 at 9:38 PM, thehero said:

 

im also looking for a GF that is at least somewhat developed. Leo recommends finding someone with 50% similar values. because 100% will be difficult.

That sounds good, 100% is impossible, i think. So far I've found guys with less than 50% for sure!

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someone on that's orange/green+. i don't know. pure orange people irk me. could be my shadow side because i'm orange. but orange people are annoying and shallow.

I have been unable to find a decent test, the only one I have found so far was messed up, I can't remember what was the deal with it, I might have given up because it was asking questions that had nothing to do with what it tests for!

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but then comes the problem where she has to like me back D:. ahhh

I hear ya! Most of my life i have struggled with this too. Most of the guys I have liked first never liked me back (enough to be in a relationship), so I've had to choose from guys that persued me, and most of them I didn't like enough either. To me, it's a miracle people are able to get into relationships at all, lol

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On 9/26/2018 at 5:45 PM, Serotoninluv said:

I'm in a similar region of the U.S. and have had a similar experience. The average consciousness level is painfully low. Surface level with little substance. I've dated a bit for companionship and entertainment, yet they don't progress to something meaningful. The consciousness gap is vast. Half of what I want to share and explore with a partner is outside their range - it never goes over well and I end up keeping it to myself. This leads to feelings of loneliness - even within the relationship.

Yes, I have found that my relationships pretty much just offer me companionship and entertainment, although i don't need them for entertainment, I don't even consider myself a fan of being "entertained" per se. I do miss the companionship of just having someone around to do things with, however those things are usually not what I would do ideally. It is sad that we have to keep things to ourselves and be lonely even in a relationship. Now that I'm single, it's a different kind of lonely but I'm glad I found this forum so I don't feel so alone anymore!

[GaiaGoddess]

On 9/27/2018 at 3:03 AM, Shin said:

There is like 0,5 to 1% of people that are on the same vibrational level as you.

Don't enter a relationship if a man doesn't have that level.

You say you do festival and stuff, you have enormous chance to meet guys like that there.

.5 to 1%!? I am  never going to find even one, ugh , lol

Yeah i do meet a lot of guys at festivals, but they are small festivals (a few hundred people) and most of the guys are in a relationship or we are just friends (not attracted to them).

[GaiaGoddess]

18 hours ago, Haumea2018 said:

OK, guys, time for real talk.

This is not about you being more self-actualized.

You just need to pick better quality men.

They sound like, well, not to be too judgmental, but...losers.

This would be a problem for you regardless of spiritual interest or inclination.

You have to believe you deserve better and pick appropriately.

These things are not a sudden surprise.  We just ignore all warning signs because we want to be with someone.

 

I think someone being a "loser" is subjective. Obviously my ex's daughter doesn't think her dad is a loser, nor does my other ex's mom think her son is a loser. Is there a checklist you can go down and see all the criteria for being a loser? If I were to keep thinking I deserve better than any of the guys I have dated, I would be a 46 year old virgin who never experienced love or learned any of the lessons that relationships teach us or learned basic relating skills. I would be mentally and emotionally messed up from being alone forever. I don't ignore warning signs because i'm afraid of being alone, I weigh the pros and cons of giving them a chance to see if things get better. In every case, why we broke up wasn't even because of one of their warning signs anyway.

[thehero]

@Haumea2018 i agree 

@GaiaGoddess is there any chance your habits are poor yourself so you attracting those with poor habits? especially since it happened twice 

Edited September 30, 2018 by thehero

[Brittany]

 

On 9/24/2018 at 9:24 PM, GaiaGoddess said:

I can't find someone who is actually interested in making themselves a better person

Be careful with this. haha

We are always trying to change men into who "we want them to be".

Don't be with a man for the "potential that he will become a better person".

Men will always drive us crazy if we view them as a "become a better person" project.

[Shin]

5 hours ago, GaiaGoddess said:

.5 to 1%!? I am  never going to find even one, ugh , lol

Yeah i do meet a lot of guys at festivals, but they are small festivals (a few hundred people) and most of the guys are in a relationship or we are just friends (not attracted to them).

Then enlarge your high awareness hobbies, go for retreats, meditation session, kundalini yoga, and other stuff like that.

You will find someone at some point.

And like Brittany just said, don't expect a man to change for you, they won't.

Either they are as great as you want them to be, or they simply won't.

 

Edited September 30, 2018 by Shin

[GaiaGoddess]

On 9/29/2018 at 9:21 PM, thehero said:

@Haumea2018 i agree 

@GaiaGoddess is there any chance your habits are poor yourself so you attracting those with poor habits? especially since it happened twice 

No I attract these men because I am willing to love them when no one else will. As I find out, there is a reason for that.

[GaiaGoddess]

On 9/29/2018 at 9:38 PM, Brittany said:

 

Be careful with this. haha

We are always trying to change men into who "we want them to be".

Don't be with a man for the "potential that he will become a better person".

Men will always drive us crazy if we view them as a "become a better person" project.

But isn't that why we are all in this forum? Because we believe in self actualization? I don't want to be with someone who doesn't think they can always improve, especially when they have many bad traits.