It's possible to feel worse as you advance in the spiritual path?

[Recursoinominado]

As my awareness expands, i am seeing more and more that i am full of shit. My shadow side runs my life and i just cover it with a spiritual, nice persona. As i go deeper in my path, i feel that i am feeling "worse" than before, although i occasionally have some blissful moments. Maybe it isn't the "same" feelings, maybe are deeper ones, my worst fears now, that's why it seems worse. This feeling is similar to the one i felt on the worst times of my life and decided to do something about it pursuing self-development (i was kind of successful with making friends, working out, picking up girls and only discovered spirituality several years later).  I am trying to handle as best as i can, i consider myself as a relatively stable person (even tough i deal with fucked up shit al the time in my family situation) but sometimes i have doubts that i am going to succeed and feel hopelessness until i start doubting if i am not going to go insane if i go deeper. The thing is, this process is being done by itself, i have little to NO control over, i am really not doing formal spiritual practices but i have a contemplative mind, especially under psychedelics. Maybe it's what they call Dark Night of the Soul, i am afraid that is taking way to long that i can handle and is getting worse every day (at least is my subjective experience in my body).

[lmfao]

[PsiloPutty]

Hell yes you're going to feel worse. And hell yes you're going to feel like you are treading on your very sanity sometimes. This stuff likely goes against  most everything that you've been taught to pursue in life. Exploring anything in this entire realm is counter to any first world paradigm of worth or success or truth.

We are taught from infants to be good little rats and to pursue the cheese that our parents were taught to pursue, but only because their parents taught them to pursue it, etc. Taught that the meaning of life is to get ahead; to get to the top of the Rat Heap and amass the most currency, the most cheese. Anything that diverts our attention away from that Royal Pursuit is looked at as distraction, as a masturbation, as time wasted. (Maybe someone remembers which video of Leo's references this rat race line of thinking.... I forget right now, but it was a good one.)

What you and I are attempting to do is to go back and mentally unpick the knots that have become tied in our psyches over the course of our lives, in an effort to grow and realize truth. This action is a form of surgery, and if you're like me, you can feel when it's happening. It can feel wrong, dangerous and reckless if you look at it in terms of classic comfort, but if you instead learn to recognize that flavor of discomfort as evidence of a knot loosening, you can use that feeling as fuel for progress. 

 

[Nahm]

@Recursoinominado

Ya sound like a toy boat in an ocean storm, not listening and suffering. Have you considered the body’s sensations are a signal? As if it’s saying - you can look at this like that, but it’s not going to feel good, because it’s not true. 

Just 20 minutes of meditation a day is a game changer. It’s grounding, centering, calming, slows things down. Twice a day, forget about it! - completely right back on track, and a calm spacious mind is ideal for contemplation too.  To drive home the magnitude of the difference it can make, take a second to review your post, and assess how much past story and future worry you shat onto your now. It’s there, and it’s peaceful. And shat on. 

Be hands on in understanding the root of the arising fear sensations. Look at what triggers the sensations, and see if the triggers tie back to an experience  in your past, which said “reality is real and serious”. Maybe a suppressed memory/emotion is triggered, reinforcing fear and identifying with the body, in the sense you could be hurt or harmed like someone you loved was, or like you were, again. If so, that tug of war of fear-identifying with the body, & raising awareness overall, is unnecessary suffering. 

You are  the truth, so all you’ll ever have to work with, in terms of saying or doing, will be ‘full of shit’. You can laugh about it anytime. 

And you will never find peace, the big punchline is, you are the peace. 

[SgtPepper]

Be careful contemplating widely, it can easily turn into bizarre overthinking. Try to get more grounded in being through silence and the present moment. 

[Your place at Heart]

4 hours ago, Recursoinominado said:

As my awareness expands, i am seeing more and more that i am full of shit. My shadow side runs my life and i just cover it with a spiritual, nice persona. As i go deeper in my path, i feel that i am feeling "worse" than before, although i occasionally have some blissful moments. Maybe it isn't the "same" feelings, maybe are deeper ones, my worst fears now, that's why it seems worse. This feeling is similar to the one i felt on the worst times of my life and decided to do something about it pursuing self-development (i was kind of successful with making friends, working out, picking up girls and only discovered spirituality several years later).  I am trying to handle as best as i can, i consider myself as a relatively stable person (even tough i deal with fucked up shit al the time in my family situation) but sometimes i have doubts that i am going to succeed and feel hopelessness until i start doubting if i am not going to go insane if i go deeper. The thing is, this process is being done by itself, i have little to NO control over, i am really not doing formal spiritual practices but i have a contemplative mind, especially under psychedelics. Maybe it's what they call Dark Night of the Soul, i am afraid that is taking way to long that i can handle and is getting worse every day (at least is my subjective experience in my body).

You will feel worse always, because feeling worse is the dominant in life unless you are hooked to heroine injecting emotions that gets you high all the time and postive feeling. You will feel worse either, I say move forward to your everlasting peace and expect feeling worse to be dominant.

If you think you are going to experience ecstasy while moving the path, you are dead wrong, you are an octupus unless you get MDMA you are no where near positive feelings.

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/09/20/science/octopus-ecstasy-mdma.html

[WelcometoReality]

@Recursoinominado Once the initial realization has occurred there is not much to do but to surrender like you say. As long as your not grasping the good moments and resisting the bad I think your doing alright. 

[Toby]

11 hours ago, Recursoinominado said:

As my awareness expands, i am seeing more and more that i am full of shit. My shadow side runs my life and i just cover it with a spiritual, nice persona. As i go deeper in my path, i feel that i am feeling "worse" than before, although i occasionally have some blissful moments. Maybe it isn't the "same" feelings, maybe are deeper ones, my worst fears now, that's why it seems worse. This feeling is similar to the one i felt on the worst times of my life and decided to do something about it pursuing self-development (i was kind of successful with making friends, working out, picking up girls and only discovered spirituality several years later).  I am trying to handle as best as i can, i consider myself as a relatively stable person (even tough i deal with fucked up shit al the time in my family situation) but sometimes i have doubts that i am going to succeed and feel hopelessness until i start doubting if i am not going to go insane if i go deeper. The thing is, this process is being done by itself, i have little to NO control over, i am really not doing formal spiritual practices but i have a contemplative mind, especially under psychedelics. Maybe it's what they call Dark Night of the Soul, i am afraid that is taking way to long that i can handle and is getting worse every day (at least is my subjective experience in my body).

This is totally normal.

[Recursoinominado]

@lmfao That's a good reminder, rough nonetheless to keep a positive mindset amidst all the turmoil. 
@Outer I need to self-inquiry more, only do it when i remember throughout the day. But i notice that when i do it, i am instantly present.    
@PsiloPutty That's also a nice reminder, i will keep in mind that it's the healing taking place. 
@SgtPepper I am guilty of using my mind too much on this path but it also made me aware of everything i am.

[lmfao]

@Mikael89

On 25/09/2018 at 0:52 PM, Mikael89 said:

No. It's like this:

Like a strange loop. 

[Hellspeed]

Yes, until the healing is done. 

[Joseph Maynor]

On 9/24/2018 at 6:31 PM, Outer said:

Who is seeing that you are full of shit? The i/ego is waging war on both sides, and also is observing the battle and also is observing all of that ad infinitum until it is inquired into. Question who, what or where this i is, continuously. Even the one that questions.

Exactly.