Depression you foe

[searchingserenity]

I really wanted to write the topic as depression you 'effed up friend.

I thought I'd already conquered this peice of crap. But it hit me again today. Morning I woke up feeling as if someone had died. And I couldn't shake it. Some jerk told me yesterday that i just need to move on from the one and only boyfriend, love, fiance of 2016 who's very much alive but has kicked me to the curb like I never existed. Are twin flames real? Because if they are, I'm sure it's him. And I'm fairly confident that he still loves me.

I've battled depression and anxiety once before, before I even met him, but having gotten all these under control - I am tortured that this came up today. I still feel like crap. Thankfully, thoughts of ending everything no longer have any power over me, even if helplessness, worthlessness and hopelessness did take over today.

I want an effin break. I'm sick and tired of things not working. Of my brain not being my own friend. Of failing at love (just the once, but it's enough). Of "surviving" at work. Of failing at life.

Of not being in love with every bloody thing on the planet. When I'm happy I'm tripping over the sight of butterflies and dogs that cross my way. I want that back. I want to 'effin butcher everything that's in the way of that happiness. (or atleast push away - if it's people and not things. for instance I might be the biggest obstacle). I want to love every beautiful thing in the world. I want to love and be loved. I want time to read. I want time to learn how to invest. I want time to 'effin learn to play the guitar or dance just because I felt like it! I want chocolate cake. (This I can fix by walking up to the bakery today).

I need to do some serious changing. I don't know how to reorient my brain though. Maybe I'll affirm my way into it.

[Gabriel Antonio]

4 hours ago, searchingserenity said:

I thought I'd already conquered this peice of crap. But it hit me again today. Morning I woke up feeling as if someone had died. And I couldn't shake it. Some jerk told me yesterday that i just need to move on from the one and only boyfriend

Depression is a tricky thing. You can't really force yourself out of it. Sometimes, the more you battle it; the more it comes back.

So it's important to be extra patient with yourself and how you're feeling. 

 

4 hours ago, searchingserenity said:

I want an effin break. I'm sick and tired of things not working. Of my brain not being my own friend. Of failing at love (just the once, but it's enough). Of "surviving" at work. Of failing at life.

Breaks are indeed necessary in some circumstances. Unfortunately, not everybody has the luxury to take one. 

 

4 hours ago, searchingserenity said:

Of not being in love with every bloody thing on the planet. When I'm happy I'm tripping over the sight of butterflies and dogs that cross my way.

You're being too harsh on yourself. "Love every bloody thing on the planet" is hell of a lot of pressure. 

Why not focus on loving your -- imperfect -- self? Leo has a beautiful episode on this called The Power of Self-Acceptance. 

Edited September 24, 2018 by Gabriel Antonio