Pursuit Of Accountability

[examinationseeker]

Let me begin this journal with a brief introduction; this is also my first post for this forum. For the most part, this forum is exactly what I have been looking for. I am a big fan of Leo's videos, so it will be interesting to discuss important life concepts with other fans. It is really difficult to find people who are interested in these matters, which is such a shame, as most of us on this forum would agree that personal development is essential for a wonderful life. 

Many of the topics of this forum are concepts which I often think about and love to learn about. (Sadly, I also like occasional political talk, which is prohibited here.) I am dedicated to philosophy, mainly practical philosophy; it is interesting to see so many different views on living the good life by so many profound thinkers throughout history. 

Currently, I am in my last year of high school. Nearly two months ago, I began a private journal (which sadly I only contributed to a third of the time). Realizing that a public journal would do be more good, I plan to contribute to this journal regularly. As the title suggests, my primary goal with this journal is attaining accountability. I remember  listening to Gary Keller stating that a lack of accountability is one of the greatest obstacles to success.

I began my self-actualization journey roughly 13 months ago, and I still undergo lapses. I have not meditated for the past few days and have been lost in Pokemon (the game) and the new anime Dragon Ball Super. The times when I abstained from video games and anime were my most fulfilling. I know that it would be best to just give it up, but time after time, I feel compelled to pursue these base passions. The longest I have gone without these "junk activities" is two months. 

This should be a decent introduction; now, only the accountability part. 

Even today, I wasted most of my time with pokemon. I believe that the reason I am compelled to pursue Pokemon and Dragon Ball Z is my desire for order, improvement of something beloved, and a desire to make sure that everything fits. What often gets me into pokemon is some sort of forum discussion or top ten video which aims to improve the game in some way. Such tasks just fuel me up because I just get lost in how something I cherish could become much better. As a result, I spend hours of my time planning, and even doing laborious math, in an attempt to improve the game. 

Pokemon fills my desire for improvement, while I fall into Dragon Ball Z (DBZ) for order and a desire to make sense of everything. A few years ago, I was going through tough times. I began looking at everything with sheer pessimism, until the fascinating world of DBZ game me hope and moved me. Since then, it has been difficult to give it up, although I no longer need it. I noticed that DBZ is a very inconsistent anime/manga, so I have devoted hundreds of hours in an attempt to make sense of everything. DBZ was never intended to be taken seriously, but I cannot help just trying to find ways of creating consistency. Sometimes, I even create my own hypothetical scenarios, which expend too much of my time. 

I am sure that most people on this forum would agree that the unenlightened ("monkey mind") is hypocritical in its nature. The strange this is that self actualization could fill all the roles that these base activities did. Through knowledge, I can try to make sense of the real world rather than some fake world. I could gain order by organizing my ideas and by managing to follow through on my ideas and values instead of just theorizing. And finally, I could devote my efforts on improving my self and finding consistency within myself instead of trying to make some fictional world consistent. 

I apologize that not all of this makes sense. I often struggle with describing my ideas to others (which is also why this public journal may be helpful). 

[examinationseeker]

I'll keep this short as I spent my time replying to a different post.   My progress has been fairly disappointing since my last entry, but I feel that I am finally escaping this backslide. I've had many of these so far, so at least I know what to expect at this point. With each backslide, I learn more and more about my vices and what I can do to overcome them. 

I'll try to post in this entry regularly from now on. One thing I need to remember is that since I believe that this blog is leading me on the right track to my goals, I should not be self-conscious about it. As Seneca would argue, any action that is according to nature does not need to be hidden. Sometimes, I feel a need to hide my posts from others, but that this point, I realize that there is no good reason to do so. 

I am also considering doing some third-person narration for future journal entries. Although this is unorthodox, I know that I can write more genuine work when I am writing in third person with a more objective stance. 

Edited April 13, 2016 by examinationseeker

[examinationseeker]

I still have not been successful with writing in this journal frequently, but I feel that I am close to doing so. I remember that in my private journal, there were also times when I abstained from writing for large portions of time. Nonetheless, I managed to come back to writing regularly. Ever since I joined this site, I have not written in that journal as I felt that this public journal would be more useful. One problem I see is that my thoughts are much less genuine here than in my private journal. Perhaps this is expected since it is much more difficult to describe one's ruminations to others. 

Let me just post an example from my private journal:

Quote

Of course, the biggest problem is deciding where to begin. Not only do I have so many distinct ideas and thoughts, but there are too many important themes of life worth discussing. To start off, it is important to deliberate on the nature of time. Specifically, the scarcity of time is worth considering. It appears that Seneca is right when he claims “it is not that life is short but that we make it so”, for I can imagine how effectively an enlightened individual spends his or her time. In a constant state of equanimity, an enlightened soul can embrace the present, treating not only each day but only each moment as if it were his or her last. For such a person, it does not matter whether he or she dies in the next day or in the next decade. As Marcus Aurelius asserts, it is likely that all of us have seen life in its entirety, just in different manifestations. Although he does not emphasize the One as much as Seneca, he does contend that the universe is completely connected and that all of life is essentially the same. One cannot lose anything but the present, for one neither has the past nor the future, and one cannot lose what one does not have. Possibly, I have to think about this statement. Can one lose what he or she does not have? Suppose that one is offered something from a friend, but that offer is lost. Is this a counterargument? Likely not, for one never had what was offered; one sorrow arose from a false hope, which incidentally is another quality to avoid in Stoicism.

Certainly, not everything in this private journal is understandable to people other than myself, but I find it fascinating to look back at my thoughts and discover  that I had been thinking about things that I hadn't expected. What's more: I know that I haven't even been able to record some of my best thoughts because I forgot them! I'm wondering whether I should continue with my private journal or just focus on this public one. I know that my ideas are much more diverse, and I am able to write more quickly when writing privately. However, this may just be because of a lack of practice. Furthermore, I know that my focusing on this public journal, I could improve my ability to be indifferent of what others think, which is an important skill to learn. I know that many of my inabilities stem from personal barriers with communication. 

For six to seven weeks now, I have had my longest lapse since I began this self-actualized journey. At times, it seemed that I had gotten over it, but usually, this was just temporary. Today is another day like that. I feel that today was fairly successful; although I followed my vices during the morning, I was able to recover by the afternoon. 

I feel that if I spend this blog merely reporting my progress, it would be a waste of my time, compared to my private journal which also enables me to record my various thoughts. For now, I'll start with one thought and possibly build up from there. Note that this 'rumination' section aims to just display my thoughts. I won't try too hard to make it understandable. Some of you may understand what I am saying, others may not; that won't be for this section.

Ruminations

Oftentimes, individuals are motivated to set goals during the New Years. This seems absurd, for the New Years provides no advantage for change. It is a mere arbitrary date in which it is a tradition to set goals. What advantage do you have in accomplishing your goal by choosing to start during the New Year? If one wants a fresh start, the best time is a new day. Unlike a new year, a new day does have an advantage; it has a 'reset button': sleeping. Sleep to an extent purifies an individual from a temporary day of vice. Personally, it is easier for me to change my ways the next day than during the next hour. When I commit vices, I feel some sort of toxicity, possibly a sense of neurosis, that convinces me that what I am doing is a most hapless state. I feel like I'm a fool trying to get 18 orgasims a day after getting wasted (although I have never done any of that). It feels as if I am travelling in circles, chasing the ceaseless road of pleasure. Although it is best to change as soon as possible, and although it is sometimes easy to deal with a vice within the same day, when doing this is difficult, at least the new day is there to help. The New Year, by contrast, accomplishes nothing. Many people fail their NEw Years resolution. Perhaps that's because they only set them once a year. That is not only too much of a gap to change, but it is also ineffective. Changing isn't usually instant; it requires persistence. With the New Day method, one can fail day after day until one is finally able to overcome a vice (even if it is only for a month, that is certainly better than a week, which is how long most New Year's resolutions last).

One must always realize that we, as Seneca would say, are dying daily. Every day, death seizes 24 more hours from my hands into the irrevocable past. One must not wait for a future time if it is unnecessary. "Seize each hour in your hands. Lay hold of today's tasks so that you do not have to worry so much on tomorrow's"—Seneca (This may not be an exact quote, but that should be understandable; I am not trying to plaguarize or anything. Incidentally, Seneca would have no problem with me using his quotes as he himself argued that all wisdom is common property). 

Breathe, relax, live in accordance with nature. This is an idea so simple yet it is so difficult. I must say that I am fortunate that I am aware of the struggles of life, of my own hypocrisy and that of humanity, of the absurdity of one's desire for meaning  compared to the void of meaning provided by the universe. It can be depressing to realize that the worst of things can happen to the best of people, that life is not designed to be fair and should not be expected to be fair, that truth is no simple task to attain. Nevertheless, none of this matters, life can still be wonderful with examination. An enlightened being can not only live each day as if it were his/her last, he or she can live each moment as if it were the last. A wise individual can scorn the most trifling tendencies of humanity: our inability to simply do what we want, our constant insistence on the perfect conditions to act and so on. 

I am a fool. If I were to say this to most people, they would try to assure me that I am not a slave to folly. This is a dangerous response; I have never met a person who wasn't a fool. Only the enlightened, if they even be identified by us fools, are free from this folly. I am not exempt from the status of a fool, nor is Leo. The question is to what extent one is a fool. Many individuals are fools without realizing it. They have already died for maybe ten, twenty years, yet they just begin to be aware of their own hell. Others never notice the absurdities of the world and how foolish they really are. One could argue that they are not harmed, for they do not know their problem, but they are living as robots, and zombies, who are living an unexamined life, which as Plato would contend, is not worth living. Plato's simple line, "The unexamined life is not worth living" has been one of my greatest motivating forces throughout my journey for self-actualization. 

If one wants me to justify why I am a fool, I could go on for eternity. I feel so enthralled when I realize that each person has a story, that each person is essentially a universe in his or herself. Nevertheless, I am quite socially awkward, unable to talk to those whom I do not know well. I have multiple theories on how to live well, yet I can't follow through with them. 

End of Ruminations

I'll end here. Sure, my ruminations are incomplete, but I am running out of time for today.

[examinationseeker]

I'll do a quick one today, since I failed to update regularly once again. Today has been another horrendous weekend, in which I accomplished essentially nothing. It is quite weird that I felt like I dealt with this gaming and procrastination problem a year ago, but it continues to haunt me from time to time. I wonder when I will finally not have to worry about this problem. 

This is short, but it is better than nothing. I don't have much time left today. Wish me good luck on this arduous journey!

[examinationseeker]

Things still feel rough at the moment, but I've been through such times before. These are the times when I'm so exhausted that I fall asleep during my meditation sessions. These are the times when I have an urge to escape my examination of reality and dwell back into the realm of fiction and video games. Gladly, I have yet to do this right now, so maybe I have learned some important lessons concerning backsliding over the past year. 

Having recently seen Leo's video on addiction, I decided to test whether this craving of mine is truly an addiction or not. I have managed to overcome my cravings several times, but they have only lasted two to three months as best. Sometimes, it seems that my ego convinces me that by forcing myself to abstain from these cravings, I'm not really solving the problem. This is true, but whenever I think like this, I end up just engaging in the craving. I'll see whether I have a craving in the next week. So far, it's been a day and a half. 

This will be my first time trying a third person rumination. I'll be using Zen as my name for this rumination.

Ruminations

Zen seems to fail his mission for another day. His pursuit for the examined life began thirteen months ago, yet he has changed little. He himself understands how true this statement is. It appears that no matter how much his perception on life changes, his actions and behaviors remain the same. His relationship with others remain constant. He is no better at accomplishing what he truly wants to do. Even to this day, his awkwardness hasn't abated. To an extent, Zen feels that his social anxiety and awkwardness has in fact increased rather than improving. Almost everything which Zen does disagrees with his principles. He wishes that he could understand others, yet he rarely engages in new conversations, even though he himself knows that the odd times when he broke out of his comfort zone and talked to someone new helped him make new social connections. 

Inwardly, Zen opposes many of the conventions of society, realizing that the popular belief is often the wrong one. However, he usually remains a slave to authority. When he speaks to someone of greater authority, whether it be a teacher or a public speaker, his voice softens as if he could hardly speak. He builds awkwardness and seems unable to talk back or disagree with anything. 

Thankfully, Zen at least acknowledges that he can change and even if he doesn't change for a long period of time, there is no need to mull over the process. He is at least decent at accepting himself. Although he has changed little, the one thing which has improved since he began his journey was his ability to understand just how foolish he was. For the entirety of his life, he has been a fool, like most of the people that have lived, are living, and will live on this planet. This hasn't changed, but he is at least aware of his own folly. Furthermore, he understands that this folly is understandable given how foolish humanity as a whole is. Unlike a vast sum of people, he at least knows in what ways he is a fool. He knows that he has yet to understand himself fully, but he is at least on his way. Although Zen can't recollect all the reasons for which he is foolish, he knows that given the right circumstances, he can remember them. 

One of the greatest misconceptions in the pursuit for self-mastery is the notion that merely conceiving a problem is sufficient. That is one tiny step to the solution. Regardless of whether one understands his own cognitive biases and irrational behaviors, he cannot simply overcome these obstacles by being aware of them. Zen realizes that his fear of insects is mostly baseless, yet that does not prevent him from fearing them. He knows that death is not a state worth fearing, yet he cannot truly accept this. He knows that most of the things he does seem petty when compared to how short life is, but he has yet to change. Thus, understanding is insufficient for mastering one's psyche, although it is a necessary step in the process. 

End of Ruminations

Farewell for now. I admit that even my third person narration is much better when I am writing only for myself, but this problem is one which I must overcome at some point, so I can only try to improve writing to an intended audience. At least I know that I am contributing more regularly to this journal. 

[examinationseeker]

It is interesting that dealing with this problems with gaming and anime are more difficult to overcome now than it had been a year ago. I supposed that things would get easier from here, but I guess not; perhaps this is because I have never truly solved the problem. By being aware of how much progress I still require, I may finally be close to dealing with this issue. It has been two and a half days, and although I haven't caved in any way, I know that at this point, I felt essentially no urge a year ago; then again, that first time when I resisted only lasted 2-3 weeks. 

Moving on to other matters, I began contemplating the fundamental question.  What is the fundamental question in life? What one question must be asked before any other? Looking through the ideas of others and thinking about this matter myself, I decided to reflect on several different perspectives on such a matter. 

Two simple questions are "why?" and "how?"; Neither of these questions suffices as the fundamental question, for not only are they too generic but they are incapable of specifying what sorts of matters are worth the greatest investigation. Certainly, not every "why" or "how" question is of equal importance. It is evident that "how can one live a fufilling life?" is more fundamental of a question than "how does a car work?". One cannot therefore, begin simply with these general questions. The fundamental question needs to be one that is relevant to every human, one which supercedes all others.

Algerian philosopher Albert Camus in his essay The Myth of Sisyphus argued that the fundamental question is whether life is or is not worth living (Excuse me for not quoting everything; for a forum concerning self-actualization it should not matter, for if I were journalling to myself, I would certainly not bother with such citations). This is certainly a closer step in the right direction. Few questions reach a level of importance greater than this one. As Camus himself asserts, "whether or not the Earth revolves around the sun is a matter of indifference. It is in fact futile." I can certainly agree with this for before one can even attempt to answer these questions revolving our solar system, one must question whether he/she should continue to live, and if he/she should, he should investigate for what reasons he/she should continue to live. After all, if life is not worth life, none of these questions matter since such a conclusion would imply that death is the proper approach. There is little we should do without answering this question. The only problem with this question being fundamental is that for the most part, it is a simple one. Most would claim that life is worth living, usually intuitively without sufficient reason. If I were pressed to give my own reason, I would say that life is worth living in order to pursue truth and what truly, to use reason to determine what is valid or invalid, sound or unsound. Certainly, this is an important question, and I am not entirely satisfied with my answer, but interestingly, that itself is a reason why life is worth living. By continuing to live, one can continue to question. This of course includes continuing to question whether life is worth living. 

If whether one should live is not fundamental enough, perhaps the fundamental question is how one should live. This is my current view on this subject, for after one decides to live(those who believe that life is not worth living would logically see no need in answering this question), one must naturally consider how to live.

—This is incomplete, but I should end here, for I have run out of time. Of course, I will address this topic in the future. 

[examinationseeker]

I must say that today has been a tempting day. I felt compelled to think about this one fan fiction work I had previously worked on, and I actually caved in. I still say that my anti-gaming and anti-anime week still stands, for it wasn't severe enough to be considered a backslide. I at least dealt with it, though it did waste almost an hour of my time, since I did end up planning and writing part of it. 

I can continue to see that my social awkwardness remains essentially unchanged, but that does not mean I will stop tyring. I'll continue to attempt to improve this issue while accepting myself and this problem. 

Ruminations

Sometimes, I look back at this journal and ask myself why my current ideas are so mundane, so repetitive; I remember that I had more varied ideas, but it seems that only a few ideas now enter my mind; however, this may have always happened, and I may have only noticed now.

It is interesting to look back at a word which I used to use frequently but have not used for a while. One of these terms is time dilation; a year ago, that term would come up so often, yet I now just remembered that word. At times, it feels like I forgot that word, though if the right situation arose, I would remember it. In a similar respect, the ideas which seem mundane and repetitive at the moment may not seem so in the future, perhaps in the next week. Since I began this journal, I realize how many different ideas I have had and how some now seem foreign to me. Maybe this realization itself may seem unusual in the future.

It is always interesting to see what I have written in the past; although I can agree that in terms of my behaviors, I have not changed much, I can at least see how much my attitude on certain ideas and concepts has changed.

Yesterday, in my actualized.org journal, I began discussing my opinion on the Fundamental Question. Certainly, the question is important, but looking back at my thoughts yesterday, it seems that the question more serves my ego. It is a question which caused me to simulate conversations with other people. This happens normally, but knowing that this issue increased the frequency of these thoughts, I know that there was another reason why the question appealed to me so much. The appeal of the question likely stems from its universality and the fact that it feels like a good, sophisticated question to ask others. In other words, it likely appealed to me for selfish reasons, as conversation bait with other people. I myself know that I usually do not say the things which come up during my conversation projections, so perhaps this question itself is somewhat toxic. Of course, the question itself is an important one. The problem lies in ensuring that my ego does not use this issue to dwell upon conversations with others or too be so caught up with what I would say to others that I fail to actually live.

Knowing this, discussing the issue at least moderately should be fruitful. What question supersedes all else in importance? “Is life worth living, and if it is, how should one live?” The first part of this question is inspired by Albert Camus’ emphasis on the need to deliberate on suicide. Most individuals would agree that life is worth living. Certainly, that is the starting point. One cannot question the proper way to live without first considering whether or not simply dying would be better. The best answer I could see for being pro-life, using this term unconventionally, is that by continuing to live, one can continue to question life and aim at truth. A rational person is one who, given a sufficient reason, would change his or her position on any issue; certainly, one who chooses to die cannot even continue to consider whether his or her positions were correct. Any realization which seems to suggest that life is not worth living could be wrong, and by ending life immediately, these reasons could not be realized.

If one decides that life truly is worth living, the second half of the question is much more difficult to resolve. This half is itself twofold: 1.What constitutes the happy life? 2.How should one act in order to be virtuous or at least to master the art of living (for those who see no need for virtue)? Clearly, this question does not have an easy answer( unless one believes that religion suffices, but even then, religion usually does not have a specific answer for living a happy life, although it does outline virtue and the like).

I have almost finished Seneca’s 75 letters from his work, Letters from a Stoic. Never have I seen such profound writing concerning the art of living and practical philosophy. Rarely do his letters cover trifling matters, and even his seemingly trifling matters, in which he deliberates upon the meaning of certain words and upon the causes of the universe, are fairly important.  

It is interesting how often individuals believe that society has worsened or that individuals have become more foolish. From my readings of Seneca, it is evident that little about humanity has changed during the last two millennia. It is typical of people to believe that the herd or the multitude has become more stupid, more prone to error, and less cultures. These individuals believe that recent advancements have led to the loss of important values. However, such a belief has occurred throughout history, in the works of Seneca, and even in that of Aristotle. The multitude, the masses, have for the last two thousand years, continued to be foolish. Individuals under such passion in large groups are certainly prone to more error than individually. It seems that the masses have become less intelligent, yet time and time again, thinkers of the past have also noticed how foolish individuals truly are. Certainly, nearly every individual is foolish; only the enlightened few are truly capable of living without these irrational faults. One cannot expect human reason to be infallible when so many cognitive biases and logical fallacies exist.

This realization ties somewhat to politics, for it is how great speakers are able to fool the multitude or a large group of people. If one thing has changed throughout the years, it is that although the multitude has stayed as foolish as it has always been, they are easier to manipulate as a result of advances in knowledge. We know more about ourselves, yet the majority of people are unfortunately unaware of their own psychological biases and fallacies.

End of Ruminations

 

That should be enough for now.

[examinationseeker]

Today, I sort of caved in by gaming, but it was only for a planned thirty minutes, which I managed to meet without excess. After all, I generally try to relax on a Friday, and since overcoming this gaming and anime issue will not be that easy, simply trying to prevent myself from engaging in these toxic activities will likely be unsuccessful. Gradually restricting myself would probably work the best, so that is my current approach. My goal is to give these up for much longer than two months, which is my record for doing so. 

Now, I shall just jump straight into my ruminations. 

Ruminations

It is interesting just how powerful inspiration can be, and I say this not only because it is a great motivating force, but also because countless times, the seemingly most minute of details have managed to help me develop profound ideas. I remember watching a video from this YouTube channel named PhilosophyTube in which Olly, the host, explained Hume’s views on miracles. His mere wording helped me come up with an idea; it is interesting that Hume’s ideas alone were not the motivating force. Instead, just how it was explained made a necessary difference. Olly described Hume’s skepticism towards miracles by arguing that miracles should almost never be trusted, unless the likelihood of the miracle being false is more miraculous than the miracle itself. Olly then explained that since every second of living counts as evidence that the world continues to act in accordance according to the laws of nature, that which appears to be a miracle is often not one, for a miracle entails breaking the laws of nature. It is certainly more probable that one’s interpretation of any event is wrong than that the laws of nature were violated. This argument itself is not important right now; what’s interesting is that this argument was described using the word “evidence” and involving the accumulation of evidence.

Such accumulation of evidence enabled me to come up with a conjecture for why changing oneself becomes harder with age. A secular individual can agree that evolution is a sensible scientific theory which has important explanatory power.  Evolutionary psychology in particular is useful for understanding why humans or other species think and act in certain ways. Sometimes, our traits are direct, while other times, evolution results in traits that are by-products of something else beneficial to survival. Evolutionary psychology also explains how many of the psychological flaws within humans arise. Many of the cognitive biases, which have an element of irrationality to them, had an evolutionary purpose. It is evident that the human brain is complex; so complex that nothing else confounds us more than it. If the human brain is limited, it is limited by its focus on survival. It seems reasonable that a refusal to change as one ages would be selected by evolution, since every day that one lives, one’s brain receives more evidence suggesting that one’s current actions and attitudes enable survival. After all, even if what one has done is foolish, the very fact that one is alive signals one’s brain that such actions are acceptable. This means that as one gets older, one has a harder time giving up his or her previous habits and behaviors, no matter how toxic they were. This entire realization, though certainly not flawless, was inspired by a mere argument of accumulating evidence.

Moving on, my mind is currently blank, perhaps because it is still tempted to resume gaming, although I already played for thirty minutes, which I accepted is my limitation. The void, as Leo Gura calls it, seems to be scaring my psyche. I feel quite restless, unable to properly deal with a meditation session, constantly scratching, moving, and dwelling upon certain ideas.

End of Ruminations

Although this was a short rumination, it should due for today, as Fridays, though they are relaxing, are not my freest of days; many of my sports activities are on these days.

[examinationseeker]

Just a quick update; judging by the lack of activity, one could probably assume that my actualized journey has not been going that well at the moment. I'll just see whether it gets worse or ends up improving soon. 

[examinationseeker]

It has been so long since my last update. The days have been passing with such speed that it's overwhelming. What's unfortunate is that I have done so little with these days. It seems that each day serves merely for the next to advance. It seems that each morning, I wish to change how I behave or how I feel, but everything feels like a routine now. With how things are happening, it appears that no matter how many moments of reflection I have or how often I regret all my "neurotic" actions, they come back the next day. How absurd is it that I refuse to let go of the past yet also berate myself for not changing?

One of the greatest hypocrisies is that I fear escaping my comfort zone in order to attain real change yet I dwell upon the past and wish that I acted differently. In essence, wishing to act differently in the past and wishing to act against one's normal routine in the present are identical. Had I acted differently in the past, then everything I cherish about my past may not have occurred or have occurred differently.   Certainly, I feel no fear of how events could have changed when I am dwelling in the past, though perhaps, to be consistent, I should. It is certainly possible that the change I wished occurred may have only positive consequences or ones which outweigh the negatives, but the same holds true for escaping my comfort zone in the present.  

Perhaps this idea seems perplexing or confusing; it may be so, for I cannot figure out how to exactly describe it. That is the problem is nearly all modes of communication; each have their own merits, but with no mode of communication is it possible to fully describe our most profound feelings or ideas. Oftentimes, it is hard enough to understand these matters in one's own mind, let alone explain it to someone else. Nevertheless, it is possible to improve on such communication, which is my intention. I feel a greater sympathy for renowned philosophers who are difficult to understand. I can forgive them, for the most important of ideas or creeds are often the most difficult to describe. Oftentimes, they can only be understood when one experiences those same ideas and sensations, when one approaches the same questions in the same way. That is what I enjoy about re-reading a text. With each subsequent read, assuming that I have given myself enough time to process the information—maybe a week or a month—it is so much easier to understand the nuances of a writer, to fully grasp each of his words. 

It is common for great thinkers to be summarized as supporting certain beliefs and principles, but I now realize that these summaries are insufficient. They are too one-dimensional, leading people to believe that these thinkers do not deserve praise because of certain flaws with their reasoning. Even if this is true, they often demonstrate their views on such flaws. I myself know that my belief that free will does not exist has strong counter-arguments; I can acknowledge that these counter-arguments are just as viable as my own, but I have my own reasons for supporting my position rather than these counter-positions. In a similar regard, I have come to understand that these thinkers had their own reasons for contending with the flaws of their views; their ideas may not be perfect, but they can be better understood by reading the text itself. Within their texts, even these great thinkers occasionally display contradictions; this is no bad thing—being human essentially necessitates such contradictions, save for the rare few—but instead an opening to their minds, enabling us to see their true thoughts and understandings. 

This quickly turned into a tangent of philosophy, but I needed this. For the past while, my love for philosophy was seeming to fade because of a haunting of my past. I began to turn to my childhood fantasies, squandering much of my time on that which I deem worthless. I don't find it necessary to elaborate on what these childhood fantasies and such are, unless I am specifically asked, for explaining them seems a little unnecessary. 

I must ask myself: is life worth living, and if it is, how should one live? This is what I currently believe to be the fundamental question, that which must be asked before anything else. Part one (is life worth living?) is not one which I can conclusively answer, though I must say that it is interestingly worth living in order to continue reflecting upon the worth of life. If for no other reason, one should live on to continue questioning, examining, knowing that given sufficient reason, one should be willing to think differently, knowing that one's ideas and beliefs are not set and that one should be willing to advance them, improve them for the better. Part two (how should one live?) is even more difficult. Life is so finite that conclusively answering this is nearly impossible (unless of course enlightenment provides the ultimate answer to this ultimate question—being unenlightened, I cannot tell but I can continue to remain open). The best approach to this question, I believe, is to examine how one lives and considering any alternatives. Perhaps mindful poverty could be superior to a pointless job? Perhaps celibacy could in the long run grant more happiness than marriage or sex? Knowing how prone the mind is to manipulation through cognitive biases and logical fallacies, it should be obligatory to examine everything one does, but it is also necessary since it is the only way to escape a robotic life, one without question, one with pointless routines and nothing meaningful, one in which one is already dead and only waiting to be buried.

I must comment that among all the journal entries I have written here, this has felt the most rewarding. Some just felt like an obligation I had to reluctantly fulfill, but this one feels so helpful to me. Perhaps it is what I need to finally break this seemingly perpetual backslide. 

Ever since I began this journey of self-actualization approximately a year and a half ago, I haven't changed much, but I have at least learned so much about myself. For that I know I must continue this journey, no matter how bleak the situation appears at times.

[examinationseeker]

In terms of managing my vices, I did okay today. My mind did plague with fantasies quite a bit today, including just fifteen minutes ago, but I haven't really caved in to my vices; other than fantasizing more than I should, I have been doing fine in terms of focusing on what matters. 

Surely, not much has changed in my life; I continue to be awkward; I continue to struggle to let go of my mental barriers and just do or say what I feel I should. 

On a positive note, one change I have seen is that my social anxiety has not been as significant of a factor as it used to be. Sure, I still struggle to be social and communicate with people whom I do not know well; nonetheless, I have at least noticed that I feel less anxious; previously, my heart would beat rapidly during those situations. Although I still feel somewhat uneasy with certain social activities or speaking in front of a crowd, I at least am slightly calmer.

In terms of my meditation progress, I seem to be falling asleep during many of my sessions, causing me to abandon them early; at least today, I felt drowsy a minute before the session would end instead of halfway. 

I'm not sure if I'll do any ruminations today since nothing insightful has caught my attention today. 

What are my values? What matters to me? What do I wish to accomplish during my life? It should be fruitful to investigate these questions, since I have nothing else to think about at the moment. 

My values remain scattered; I wish I could find some link, some thread that would help unite everything together. I just have a bunch of ideas and principles, perhaps some maxims by which I at attempt to guide my life, for I often cannot follow these principles completely. 

Digression: I've noticed how serene music can be (mainly soothing instrumental music—or somewhat intense instrumental music that helps focus on all the absurdities of life and oneself, all the struggles and the contradictions, all the truths that are difficult to accept). For the past month or so, I have been missing out on the wonder of this instrumental music, instead engrossed in the theme songs of my childhood series, Pokemon. Over the past three weeks, I have regretfully etched these songs deeper into my memory; some are moving, while others are just nostalgic, but I know that such songs just appeal to the passions. These songs are much more stimulating, causing me to lose my priorities and squander too much of my time. Since yesterday, I have begun to reintroduce instrumental music in an attempt to combat these enticing yet psychologically harmful peices of my childhood. It is so difficult to let go of my past pleasures; from time to time, I'm drawn in. Of course, I overcome these every time, but they exhaust so much of my time.

Digression two: There are times when I just seek silence. Sometimes, this is in the morning right after I wake up; other times, this is at the end of the day when I reflect on how much time I wasted or how I acted upon my passions rather than upon my reason. These moments of silence are so soothing, but they generally do not last. It disappoints me when my father turns on the television during the morning, distracting me from the wonder of such silence. 

Back to my initial thought, I have gained much insight on how to act or approach certain important life questions or situations. I have lain the groundwork for my principles, yet it can be frustrating that they have no single flow; they take some aspects of certain views and combine them with other ones. For example, I appreciate some aspects of Virtue Ethics, mainly the role of judgment in making decisions; however, I do find it necessary to have certain set principles and maxims to guide ones actions, though judgment is important. Like the stoics, I support the view of living with accordance to nature, but see the justification of this from Epicureanism, which centers upon restricting pleasure for greater happiness. Perhaps this is entering the realm of philosophy too much, but it is to outline my conflicting views. I would consider myself socialist, though I do support some commonly right-wing policies or views. I can see the merits of democracy but also of authoritarianism. It seems that in every regard, my values are fragments of many other creeds. It is often difficult for me to establish my true position or piece all these differing ideas into one consistent, logical moral framework. 

For now, I will leave with this. Until tomorrow—hopefully. 

 

[examinationseeker]

I decided to work on my private journal today, so I'll abstain from any content today. Yesterday it was acceptable for me to not post anything since I was attending my high school graduation ceremony which lasted until 10:00 p.m. so there was no time to write anything.

[examinationseeker]

Individuals often seek labels with which they can understand themselves. For many, the internet provides sufficient resources to help them understand themselves. Some are fascinated with the accuracy that some resources can provide; however, it seems that the more one attempts to examine his or her life, the more difficult it is to associate with any of these labels. Last year, I too was astounded by the accuracy of certain terms in defining who I am, but as I continued to pursue the examined life and self-actualization, I learned how indecisive and scattered my views could become. Once one reaches such a stage, predicting one's character becomes more difficult, especially if one's seeks ideas from a variety of individuals and thinkers. 

Recently, I just tried a personality test called 16 personalities. Looking at the comments, I could see that the majority of people were satisfied with their results, often claiming that the personality test captured their personalities "to a tee," but for me, I felt that the test itself was quite limited. To an extent, it did capture some of my personality traits, but I still believed that it was only half accurate at best. I cannot blame the system, for I myself understand how complex developing a system by which one orchestrates his or her values and ideas is. To an extent, I am fairly satisfied that the test couldn't me matched entirely since it does suggest that my ideas differ more from the conventional, that though some of my beliefs and values can be predicted, there are many that vary. Of course, there is no need to wish to break from the norm for norms sake, but the more one examines life and his or her values, the more one realizes that carrying black and white notions is not possible. A virtuous individual knows that there are flaws with nearly every position and that the best views come from the analyses of multiple distinct creeds. There are times when, for example, reason is limited; one cannot be expected to support every stance that is deemed "conservative" or "liberal"; a critical individual understands that there is no flaw with agreeing with certain extracts of an idea without supporting it entirely. Certainly, there are some bits of wisdom I can learn from Seneca, Plato, Epicurus Aristotle, Marcus Aurelius, Bertrand Russell, Spinoza, e.t.c. yet it would be absurd to claim that I agree with every idea which these great thinkers have postulated. Some I can agree with more than others (namely Seneca), but many of them introduce a variety of compelling ideas, some of which I can agree with, others I disagree with, while others I may find fascinating even if I do not agree with them to their entirety. Certainly, examples would be helpful, but I cannot come up with sufficient ones for now. 

If there is one idea of Seneca's I cannot agree with, it is his statement that "if I were given truths but wasn't able to disclose them to others, I would reject them." This is a crude paraphrase; I apologize, but it suffices. Although I can agree that it is important to share wisdom with others, it is no necessity and surely the truth should be sought even if it cannot be spread to others. In some respects, this would be more admirable by signifying that one is looking for the truth instead of seeking knowledge in an attempt to impress others.

Farewell for today.

[examinationseeker]

This rumination comes directly from my journal today, so obviously it is more difficult to follow, as it is written without focusing on clarity or grammar. 

Ruminations

How unfortunate is it that the most meaningful thoughts or revelations arise at the most inopportune of situations. To follow these ideas whenever they come into fruition is to be a dreamer; to sway merely based upon the flow of certain thoughts is to become a slave to one’s own psyche. Clearly, one requires the regulation to realize that not all thoughts need to be followed, that one needs to enter reality once again and seize the moment. What is most pitiful is when it becomes habitual to conjure the most important of ideas during times when one is preoccupied. Of course, when one sets a time solely for reflection, these thoughts may not arise.

It is a shame when one is unable to simply act; surely, it is often beneficial to have enough information and not act with recklessness alone, but the problem lies when one hesitates too much, worries too much about the details of an action, that which will occur and the mishaps that one will make in carrying the act. In some cases, one is perfectly capable of acting despite a complete understanding of the situation or deliberate planning. It seems that even for me, such moments do arise; when, for example, I hear others discussing peculiar or odd topics, such as the reason indigo is considered a color of the rainbow, I feel no hesitation with jumping into explain the answer, granted that my ability also depends on to whom I am speaking, which for the most part is a flaw usually without a rational basis—for the discussion should matter more than the person. In other times, I can notice how difficult it is to simply act, when one is flooded with doubt and questions regarding the proper approach when clearly acting is of greater importance. Constant hesitation will lead nowhere; it only delays the resolution to the problem or scenario. It forces one to worry about tomorrow’s tasks by not seizing today’s, as Seneca would remark. For some situations, immediate action without much emphasis on the details is necessary; of course, charging with no information when more information is required is harmful as well. The words of Colin Powell suffice for such an issue: one should seek at least 40% of the information and stop at 70% for past this point, an unnecessary delay occurs.

The fear of the void is certainly a powerful form of motivation, capable of pulling people into a cycle of vices and pleasure rather than virtue. When one glimpses at the emptiness of silence or idleness, one is wont to seek some means of pleasure, some means of escape from the potential emptiness of the world, when nothing seems promising, when nothing seems interesting.

It is interesting how the psyche needs only petty reasons to divert from the actualized path, the path of examination and reflection. When, for example, I end up having ten more minutes in the afternoon after a school day, I am more likely to accept the enticing invitations of vices and the pleasures.

There will be those moments when one realizes a lie that he or she has been telling him or herself. It is so much easier to deny such a lie, but the more admirable approach is an attempt to understand the nature of such a lie and the reasons for which one was convinced that this lie was not true. Surely, hypocrisy is inevitable in the life of the un-enlightened, but one should not simply use this fact to justify no wish for change. Each contradiction within one’s own ideas, actions, and values should be discovered and understood. The brain and mind are after all imperfect merely for prioritizing survival and the methods which have aided in personal survival or reproduction above all else. Browbeating oneself for these contradictions serves no point; one should be accepting of the fact that such contradictions are understandable given the flaws with human reason and cognition. However, one must constantly examine and notice these contradictions; although one may be unable to resolve these conflicts immediately or in a few years, one can at least begin to examine these issues. To say that I am a person whose actions follow from reason alone is absurd. Among my several irrational motivations, one which I haven’t noticed is pride. There are many words I struggle to say, many actions I struggle to take. I for instance am not one to show much sentiment, not one to be overly complimenting, and

—though this may not be based upon my pride—am not one to generate a blunt answer. It seems much more natural to work in litotes, to claim that one “isn’t really correct” instead of saying one is “wrong”; to say that one is “fine” instead of “good”. But even this is not entirely true, for it appears that I am more likely to formulate a blunt answer when my statement is impersonal, when I comment about the world or humanity rather than myself or someone else, hence a tendency to use the third person and the pronoun “one” instead of “I”.

End of Ruminations

It is interesting that although the ideas which I express during my ruminations seem underwhelming during the time of my writing, the content of these ruminations are much more important to me in hindsight, for I sometimes am amazed that I thought about these certain things at these certain times. Knowing how often thoughts just come and go, I am glad that I began journaling.

[examinationseeker]

I'll jump straight into my ruminations again, directly from my journal.

Ruminations

The beginning of another month, although this of course is completely arbitrary and thus has no relevance. It is so difficult to place things into perspective; no matter how much reinforcement or reasoning one provides for ceasing to worry about petty matters, this worrying ends up persisting. The universality of tragedy and death should in theory be a powerful motivating force capable of enabling one to ditch the petty in order to focus on that which matters. If only, one’s psyche could easily follow this rational course of action, but of course, it struggles with doing so. Simply reasoning that petty matters such as listing top tens or stressing over the right way to communicate a certain idea to a certain person should be avoided is easier than convincing one’s mind. Some believe that understanding one’s own flaws or biases is sufficient for correcting them; certainly this is not true, for if it were, problems with one’s weakness of will would be less prominent. If this were true, a drug addict could simply overcome his or her problem by knowing that the drug is harmful; if only the mind worked like that. Although it is true that simply being aware of the problem is insufficient, it is still fruitful to continue examining, to continue, for the sake of the example, to question why one is compelled to seek that drug or to crave top ten lists.

Some may deem such a topic to be inconsequential, but the enticing nature of means of organized expression such as top ten lists is interesting. It is not difficult to see that many are attracted to these lists, some near the realm of absolute stimulation if not addiction. Top ten lists provide a sense of order while prompting those who read or watch them to conjure their own in response. Some use these lists to gain knowledge on a particular, often trivial, topic while others seek these lists in order to find justification for their own views on the matter. Unfortunately, these lists are often too stimulating and focus on that which is of little consequence. If the matter is, however, of importance, it is still often more fruitful to seek more specific information rather than these general, stimulating lists.

“It is easy to be logical, but it is nearly impossible to be logical to the bitter end,” Albert Camus once stated. This is a statement which one would likely struggle to argue against. To what extent does the average person follow reason? Should they follow it to the end or at least attempt to do so? If yes, the inherent flaw of human reasoning proves to be a difficult obstacle to overcome. Many give up in the process, either following that which is more comfortable or submitting to their passions or desires. It can be argued that “the heart has reasons which reason does not know of” as Pascal stated, and if this is true, following one’s passions or desires, or perhaps one’s instinct or intuition may be worth abandoning reason.

Hypocrisy is unavoidable for all but the unenlightened, yet it is still a popular means of denouncing individuals or their actions. One definition of hypocrisy is expecting more from others than from oneself, or asserting that others should act in a way which one him or herself does not act. The reverse of this definition is rarely discussed, for what about those who place themselves on a higher moral standard than they do others. This may mean permitting others to do that which one prohibits him or herself from doing. An example would be Epicurus, who lived a celibate life yet sometimes even insisted that others not follow his principles so that they may have children. Personally, this opposite of hypocrisy is frequent in my life. Although I deem it wrong for me to insult others for no reason, I often see no problem with others doing so. Similarly, though I myself could not even think of cheating, I often have no problem with others doing so.

Perhaps such a concept has a word; if so, it must be a rare one. Sadly, it is difficult to find the best or most appropriate words for describing a certain idea or concept.

It would likely be fruitful to end here, as I seem to be running out of ideas for the day.

 

[examinationseeker]

The socratic method is no simple method to practice. It entails that one is seeking the truth and only the truth. It requires that one abandon the use of intelligence, theories or knowledge in order to impress others so that one can begin to form the most rational and honest answers or ideas. It is apparent that humans are influenced by many logical fallacies and cognitive biases which hinder our ability to function with pure reason. We are often shrouded by hypocrisy, which isn't as bad as people make it out to be, but it should still be examined, for although hypocrisy is nearly inescapable, one should aim whenever possible to avoid as much of it as possible. 

Today, I was a recipient of the bystander effect along with someone else. As someone else refused to take action or make a bold move, I was less likely to do it myself. It is also interesting that I cannot fully tract my cause of hesitation in terms of talking to others or contributing to a conversation. It appears that there are more factors available than I would ever guess. Surely, the topic is a major influence, but the atmosphere, place, and time also seem to make a difference. Even a first glance from someone I know can determine whether I am going to talk or ignore that person (unless it is someone with which I am really close). 

Of course, I haven't attempted to fully delve into my examination of such behavior; I haven't focused enough time on looking within to see the cause of such issues. Firstly, such a thing would be difficult to describe or even grasp mentally; furthermore, it would take more mental effort to attempt to examine every aspect of my tendencies. Surely, understanding one's own mind is no easy matter. However, when will I attempt to resolve this problem? When will I finally find the time to look within myself in an attempt to search for such answers? It is difficult to determine if this is a topic even worth looking further into,  judging by how many different similar issues and psychological challenges exist for me. 

If I will attempt to resolve such issues, it would likely not be in written form, for communicating such internal thoughts, even to myself would be difficult beyond belief. 

I have noticed that I am disposed to dream, to seek the abstract or ideal above that which is real. This may either include idealistic philosophical investigation, or simple fantasy ideas or stories. Regardless, these thoughts often consume me, prevent me from controlling myself as I drift completely from the moment into something that either does not exist or is simply an ideal. I certainly understand the value of some idealistic thinking, for I tend to associate myself more with Plato than Artistotle. The heavens seem more worth deliberation than the Earth. The clouds seem more fascinating than the ground. Of course, both are important. It is surely important to embrace reality as it is but also strive for something more, for more eternal truths or values, that which has yet to work but could possibly work in the future. 

It is interesting to see that I am not alone when I occasionally attempt to undermine myself in an attempt to feel greater satisfaction. There is just some joy in disclosing one's most peculiar and unusual tendencies or flaws. Understanding the values of stoicism and other schools of thought focusing on eudaimonia, I do however understand that such attempts at increasing one's own self-esteem with these tactics is unnecessary. One shouldn't need to rely on acceptance in order feel comfortable about one's unusual behaviors. 

There are some things which one feels uncomfortable engaging in or doing in front of others or, at least, in front of a certain group of people. There are other things which one is willing to disclose to a certain few even though one may him or herself consider such an act to be foolish or shameful. Conversely, there are some things which one feels uncomfortable sharing or disclosing even though one may rationally believe that such ideas or actions are so sincere and necessary to living the good life that one should feel no shame whatsoever. Some would argue that such acts which one would be willing to show to, for the lack of a better word, "God" (could be substituted for nature or the like if one is a panthiest like myself) shouldn't be intentionally hidden. By such acts, I am referring to matters such as self-examination and introspection, the same things which I attempt to do here. Of course, I do not feel entirely comfortable with revealing such examination to some individuals were are close to me, which is absurd since few acts are more important than reflecting on everything. 

[examinationseeker]

As this is exam month, I haven't been updating as much as I should. I'll try to make time to elaborate on my thoughts tomorrow. For now, I'll just outline the topics I should discuss some time in the future (so that I do not forget, which is easy given my many different ideas I come up with—some peculiar and insightful, others meaningless). 

1. Struggles of change.

2. Resetting within a given day.

[examinationseeker]

I'll just post my journal ruminations for the day; I failed with my previous posting goal, but I am feeling too sluggish to make many more comments.

Ruminations

There are times of pure sluggishness, when one wishes to just resign from all meaningful action, when one just wishes to focus on that which is simpler, either opting for laziness or engulfing oneself in the passions. These moments are characteristically tough, though bearable. When one encounters such a situation, it easy to browbeat oneself for all the lost time during these periods of slugglishness. One just wishes to give up. One just wishes that the examined life requires no effort. But certainly, it pursuing the examined life were simple, no one would be foolish. Of course, looking at the reality, it is evident that an examined life is possibly the greatest challenge in living. It is so simple to not reflect on one’s actions, to just be drawn in by one’s instincts. Often efforts to look within oneself are arduous and unpleasant. It would be much easier to just act instead of thinking about why one has acted in such a way. The effort required for considerable instrospection is comparable to the effort of remembering concepts or ideas which were vivid in one’s mind months ago but have since then become neglected and thus difficult to recall. I myself rarely manage to fully reflect on myself, just reaching the surface before giving up. When I do conjure insightful realizations concerning myself, I lose myself in dwelling about other matters, or pretending to explain such realizations to people in the past or to those I would soon talk with.

Real change is difficult, especially when one is tempted by pleasures to shrug any attempts of achieving such change. I must admit that my desire to reflect upon the human condition has appeared to dwindle, even though I know that it is one of the most honorable goals and ambitions I have ever had. Certainly, it is worth it, but following such efforts of examination are certainly difficult.

I have come to a somewhat somber point in my life, when one of the most drastic changes will soon occur. For the past twelve years, I have comfortably breezed through the school system, although there have been some difficult moments throughout the whole journey, but now that period is coming to an end. Tomorrow is the last normal day of classes before exams, and it is soon time to enter university, a foreign domain; worse is the need to find a career, especially considering that my current goal of careers seems unsatisfying for me; sometimes I wonder why I even have decided to follow through with enginerring. It is I guess only because I haven’t been able to find a better option. I love writing for pleasure, but it would likely be a complete hassle to pursue a career in writing; I myself know that the joy of writing comes when it is done for itself, not when it is done for some other goal and needs to be directed to that goal. Personally, I find it much enjoyable to have a hobby without pay, for once a hobby becomes a career, there are many more implications. The hobby now serves a role beyond just pleasure; it serves a role for attaining wealth. This means that one may have to do things with one’s hobbies beyond that which is enjoyable in order to keep the job and attain money. Many individuals would assert that it is best to work for what one loves to do, but it seems that most of what I like to do would be less pleasurable or even mundane if I were payed to do it as a job. Were I required to write for a job, I would probably feel the pressure of deadlines and standards that meet the job or branch for which I am working. If I went further and attempted to write a novel or some sort, I would likely have to face constant revisions and require to make several compromises in order to simply publish the work, for many beginning writers are initially rejected. If I were to pursue a job in philosophy or the sort, I would likely have to meet certain demands I would much rather not have to deal with. I may need to write about topics I may not admire, read texts outside of my free time for some academic goal rather than for pure knowledge or fascination; I may need to teach topics I may not admire. Even aside from all of this, such a job would likely not pay well enough to compensate for these hassles.

I undoubtedly understand the need to pursue one’s dreams, but these potential prospects do not seem very promising. Perhaps I need to find some other way to enjoy my hobbies and follow my dreams without aspects of unpleasantness.

I feel that this is my limit for right now, considering how sluggish I feel. It is as if I am undergoing a brain drain more severe than even the one the Soviet Union experienced with East Germany.

End of Ruminations

Until next time

[examinationseeker]

I'll just jump into whatever thoughts I end up having.

Sometimes, one just longs for a sense of release, from everything which has occurred. One wishes to reach a state of pure relaxations, one which is far more tranquil than the standards moments of silence or meditation filled with much turbulence and agitation. One also wishes that one could focus on simply the present rather than being flooded with thoughts that cause him or her to lose sight of the moment, especially if these thoughts themselves cause restlessness. One may wish to just find tranquility without effort, but it is evident that this is not possible when one is dealing with such situations. Effort is certainly necessary during these circumstances in order to achieve this goal. 

One wishes that following through with his or her intentions were easier, but the thought of an event is certainly not the same as the event itself. It is so much easier to prescribe how one should behave in a certain situation but much harder to escape from one's normal reactions to such a situation. 

There are times when one wishes to dig deeper within oneself but appears to be unsuccessful.

There are moments when one is unsure of what is worth valuing or what is worth following. One's ideas may grow scattered as one no longer knows how  to properly interpret a certain situation or examine it with understanding. One will often reach of feeling in which nearly everything seems confounding, when one does not know what matters or if one's previous values or ideals could hold up anymore.

It is interesting how easily a favorable situation can turn grave. Though I am not proud of having fallen into the trap of gaming a few days ago, I do admit that the outcome was somewhat insightful. On the first day, I managed to win 19 games in a row without much thought put into my strategy. On the second day, I won only one of seven games, likely losing three games in a row before finally winning just one game. 

It is interesting how quickly one's status can flow like that. It is similar to how much of an impact a mere shift in fortune can have. One slight mishap or unusual situation may drastically alter one's entire life or way of being. 

Sometimes, it is just necessary to breathe, realizing that there is no need to force one's own thoughts. They should instead be free to flow in their own way, just flow while being examined, for it is evident that letting go of one's thoughts without watching them closely is just as dangerous as allowing a child to play on the road. Whereas the latter may result in a physical injury, the former causes a more subtle injury; it injures one's tranquility, and this injury does not simply fade; it rather continues to affect one throughout the next few days, weeks, or months, possibly beginning a period of lapse that irrevocably leads to temporary subsequent doom.

It is fruitful to examine the ways in which one displays pretentiousness, hypocrisy,  closed-mindedness, egocentrism. It would be foolish to assert that one is always free from these vices. Only a distinct few who have worked arduously and have earned the description of wise could possibly assert that he or she is free from even one of these several harmful vices. I can see my own pretentiousness in my thoughts and projections of future or past conversations in which the aim is to enhance my imaginary, in thought, image. Certainly, I rarely follow through with these thoughts in reality, but the mere knowledge that they are capable of penetrating my thoughts, and constantly—to make matters worse— is the most frightening.

[examinationseeker]

It has been almost an entire month of inactivity on this journal. I feel that at this point, I am better off just using a private journal because I haven't seen the use of this public journal. I guess farewell.