Femdom (and other similar fetishes)

[Fuku]

What do you think about it? I'm trying to get out of my usual way of thinking. Like "it's ok, to each their own, as long as you don't hurt someone".
But actually, what if this hurts myself?
It might seem like a lot, but I think that since my teens, I've been masturbating to literally 90% of femdom porn. All kind of sub-fetish that includes female domination. And male domination too, anything that's degrading or inflicting pain.
I practiced it myself a few times in the past year and I loved it, I think it's an awesome experience and pushing the boundaries of pain and/or domination really puts you in a very particular kind of transe at some point.
Submitting to a woman is the thing that absolutely, instantly turns me on (even if I can and had have some vanilla relationships and my body also reacts instantly so at least there's that).
Now it might have something to do with the fact that I feel like I'm often not worthy of having a relationship and didn't have many, and in this regard I'm wondering if it's sane to actually keep that fetish in my head and masturbate to it (it's not compulsive tho, it was at some point but now I'm switching to nofap -only once a week in the beginning- and it's working).

So basically 1) does femdom always hide some kind of trauma, and how can I ever find it cause I can't pinpoint any specific moment that would have turned this on, I think I was attracted to this from a pretty young age. It was foot fetish first but yeah.
2) What do you think about this fetishes and kind similar ones including domination and pain? Good/bad for the mind? Any good books or video on the subject maybe?

Not sure if this topic serves any purpose but I'm trying to review certain aspects of my life and understand/get rid of some, so there it is.

[Spiral]

I would stay away from brutal stuff, that’s not healthy for you since it involves sexuality. If say the girl is dominant and teasing or whatever  that’s fine. If the guy is tied up an whipped a little sure but I think the line goes there. Animated neckbreaking or strangling to a degree that he/she passes out/dies is too much.

A problem with dominant females is that it promotes PE if done poorly.

Although I do advice you stay away from porn in general.

Edited September 24, 2018 by Spiral

[Fuku]

Reframing it as staying away from porn alltogether actually makes a good point with me. If I want to experiment anything I should at least try to do it IRL.

What does "PE" stand for?

8 hours ago, Spiral said:

Animated neckbreaking or strangling to a degree that he/she passes out/dies is too much.

Oh no, nothing of the sort. I sometimes used to watch severe inflicted pain with blood but I wouldn't probably (?) do it myself.
I think it's more about the act of humiliation at the core of it (trampling, etc).
Damn. Now that I'm writing this in details I'm having trouble seeing it as sane There must be something I can solve in my head, trauma or something, except I'm very bad at remembering my childhood so I never found the source of this kind of fetish.

But yeah. I can't help but finding this push and pull to extreme domination and limits of pain fascinating. Even if I wasn't aroused by it still probably would. There's something in this. But I might be biased, obviously.

[YaNanNallari]

Well often there is some kind of mental things underlying there, but at the same time if the ways to enjoy yourself at your level of awareness happen to be a certain kind then you shouldn't completely deny yourself of those. This will just make you unhappy

[Emerald]

I don't recommend engaging with this kind of fetish. If you identify with the masochistic role, and climax to images of men (that you're identifying with) being harmed by women, then it's going to create and strengthen a neural pathway and thus an association between extreme pleasure and self-degradation. And this will be engrained almost like it's in your muscle memory, and it will make it more difficult to climax when you're not either imagining yourself being abused or actually having a woman abuse you.

I've dealt with a masochistic leanings in the past, and I do think it's a reflection of some other issue as opposed to just normal spicier sexuality. But I always noticed that I alway felt terrible after I would climax because I had just associated the extremes of sexual pleasure with my own objectification, subjugation, and sense of powerlessness. So, it was a mixed bag of sexual excitement plus all the negatives that made me feel lesser in the first place.

Perhaps it was more clear to me as being unhealthy because I'm a woman. And there are images everywhere of women being submissive, objectified, and sexualized. And I've had this projected onto me many times in the past, which is unpleasant. So, I always thought, this probably isn't just something that I like during sex... this is probably something that is indicative of deeper issues and traumas form my past. Probably, it has a lot to do with repression of my sexuality in general coupled with past sexual traumas.

I could see the potential that men, who are seen as normal for wanting novel sexual experiences, could come to find it much easier to like what they like sexually without it feeling abnormal. So, I could see a man get into something like this, and just think "Oh well. I like kinky stuff. This is probably normal. Everything's consensual and I like what I like." And if that kinky stuff is centered around self-subjugation, it could potentially just feel like good fun that doesn't actually bear out in your own life, because there isn't a lot of images of sexually subjugated men floating around everywhere and being used to sell things. So, the connection between your sense of objectification/inferiority and your sexuality is unclear. But there is likely a deep objectified/inferior feeling that you carry with you. I would look for that to find the core of this issue. 

So, I would honestly consider what it is that you get out of this fetish, and figure out where it comes from. Also, I would work on training yourself to climax more to your imagination and real life vanilla sexual encounters, as opposed to these third-person perspective images of women abusing men. Your neural pathways that allow you to climax during real-life intimate (non-role-playing/femdom) sex, are probably weaker because it's easier to climax to the extreme violent images as they're so extreme and the neural pathways have been well-established. So, strengthen the neural pathways around actual intimate vanilla sex, by learning to associate pleasure with less extreme and more reality based sex-acts. 

[Fuku]

Yeah. This might be good advice. Couldn't hurt to try, I'll keep on nofap and try what you suggested lastly once in a while.

 

Quote

But there is likely a deep objectified/inferior feeling that you carry with you. I would look for that to find the core of this issue. 

Yep...I don't even know when to start but I'll try finding methods (I suppose stuff like meditate until I reach a certain state and ask myself questions, that's all I can think for now)
The thing is probably not even that BDSM/domination in general is bad, it's more about where it comes from (in my case, something unsolved in me) and also that fact that it overwhelms all my other sexual desires)

[Shodan]

Well, be aware because even after being 8 months into my longest nofap, cutting out porn and all related things, my femdom addicion came back and it is present to this day. Dont want to discourage you but I dont think theres other way around than stop using porn completely and never use it again in this life. The neural pathways are too strong to rewire completely in one lifetime. We are the products of the porn industry, I think I would rather live without internet than discover all this harmful content as a teenager. It sould be banned and stay illegal but we all know this will never take place in our sad world

[Fuku]

Good point. But again I don't think we should demonize it that much. In its good form it should just be spice for sex. A game. A way to push limits and explore ourselves safely. We just don't know how to dose it in our lives so it becomes something else that ends up affecting our self-esteem and energy to actually do things outside.
I wish I could find that balance because somewhere deep inside something tells me that going all extreme on this and shutting down some types of pleasures because the do present some sort of harm if you don't use them "wisely". Just purely shutting down something might be a sign of weakness in a way. (at least, something that doesn't hurt you or someone else...besides the play/game that bdsm can be, that is).
And as you said the fact that it always comes back to haunt you, sometimes stronger (had this with other addictions), shows that burying it might not be the way.
Yea...I'm still conflicted. I just know that right now in my case it is a waste of time and energy, but I'm still fascinated by it and I don't want to totally give it up.

Edited September 29, 2018 by Fuku

[SgtPepper]

There is nothing wrong with your fetish.

[Fuku]

Thanks. But again I believe the fetish itself is not automatically "wrong". It's more about how it resonates with me and if it channels something bad or blocks my path to healthy relationships. And seeing that I'm usually very far from being an "alpha male", I think the fetish might be a way to hide myself behind this submissive position, and comfort me in the idea that I don't have to get stronger, take decision, evolve.
Something like that.
So unless I meet someone mentally healthy that's into this too, I will probably try to put it on the back of my head until I evolve and I feel better about my life in general. Then only I should consider having fun with this again. At least, that's how I see it right now.

[Shodan]

On 3.10.2018 at 0:16 AM, Fuku said:

Thanks. But again I believe the fetish itself is not automatically "wrong". It's more about how it resonates with me and if it channels something bad or blocks my path to healthy relationships. And seeing that I'm usually very far from being an "alpha male", I think the fetish might be a way to hide myself behind this submissive position, and comfort me in the idea that I don't have to get stronger, take decision, evolve.
Something like that

Dont get caught in all that "x male" crap, its all fake because its based on stereotypical assumptions. Last thing you want is playing this exhausting game of aspiring to some kind of social status, it's all true only if you start to believe it. Be real and approach the problem in more rational way, try to find a pattern of addiction if its connected to anxiety etc.

[Fuku]

I get you. I really don't think I'm doing it for social status tho. Rather to try and learn some qualities usually linked to the average male that I lack and that can be useful in life (not only in flirting, dating...). For instance, I lack the kind of alpha decision/initiative taking.
But to link it back to relationships, it's also useful as it's clear that somewhere in my head I feel inferior (as opposite to equal, or "one with", not superior) to women in a way. I am opened, honest and do speak my mind and keep the stances I believe in, but I lack some kind masculine presence (physical escalation, to take an example). My exes were all very patient and helped a lot in making the first steps.
Anyway...not sure if I'm or make any sense, I'm pretty tired and my english (and ideas in general) are falling appart.

[SgtPepper]

Do both. Nothing wrong with liking submission and domination in the bedroom

[Javfly33]

On 29/9/2018 at 8:34 AM, Shodan said:

Well, be aware because even after being 8 months into my longest nofap, cutting out porn and all related things, my femdom addicion came back and it is present to this day. Dont want to discourage you but I dont think theres other way around than stop using porn completely and never use it again in this life. The neural pathways are too strong to rewire completely in one lifetime. We are the products of the porn industry, I think I would rather live without internet than discover all this harmful content as a teenager. It sould be banned and stay illegal but we all know this will never take place in our sad world

What do you mean exactly with "it came back"?

Once you stop out of the compulsitivity of using porn, you just forgot about the fetish and then suddenly after 8 months "it came back"?

After trying to quit femdom and porn several times , I more realize there is really no "fetish" but just an addiction to porn, sadly a particular fetish might make the addiction and the "high" stronger, but once the days pass Im more sure that it doesnt have any to do with your sexuality. You can see it for yourself, in the past if you relapsed to watch porn, afterwards your brains see it as a totally stupid thing. Once it has gotten its dopamine pleasure hit and "comedown" suddenly that fetish is absolutely stupid.

I think you should be more positive, if heroin and cocaine addicts pathways can be rewired, sure porn can. You just have to take it like what it is, an addiction. I quit smoking some months ago and now i now i can live withouth it but still sometimes i "could use" a cigarette. Addiction takes time

[Javfly33]

BY the way, there is nothing wrong per se with having fetishes in your sexual life as long as dont hurt your life, BUT, once it becomes a compulsion, it is an addiction, the brain just looking for the high. This is what 99% porn induced fetishes are, and obviously a compulsive brain regarding sex is far from being healthy