I'm sexually attracted to children/teens

[SpaceCowboy]

Hi there,

I have a very intimate, delicate subject to share with you today. It turns out that I'm sexually attracted mainly to children/teens (mostly boys) in the 10-15 year old age range. I'm a male in my mid 20's and I've know about this for about a decade now, although I pushed it away until 2 to 3 years ago. The reason I write this post is, that I feel an urge to express myself somehow about this issue and because of it's taboo nature it is quite hard to disclose to people in real life, although I talk to my therapist about it. So feel free to leave me a comment, but whatever your opinion is, please stay respectful and open-minded.

So, here I am, sitting in my bedroom writing about an aspect of me that I barely feel comfortable with. It all began when I was a teenager myself and the hormones began to make themselves noticable. At first, I found myself attracted to male classmates of mine and thought that I might be gay. Not exactly a pleasant thougth, but still ok. Considering the emotional abusive home I grew up in, and thus the quite weak psychological state I was in, every deviation from norm was not really welcomed. As a few years went by, I noticed that I and my peers grew older but my sexual attraction basically stayed the same. That was probably the phase when I intuited that there might be something wrong, but as so often, I pushed my consern in my subconscious and hoping that it would somehow work itself out with time. Oh man, how wrong I was. As it became more and more clear, that this sexual attraction towards boys would not go away, the harder I tried to convince myself of the opposite and forced myself, totally against my inner guidance system, into pursuing relationships with people that I was not attracted to. I was terrified of being regarded as strange by family, friends and peers for not indulging in common romantic relationships, let alone being though of as a pedophile/hebephile. This whole scenario became very stressful and has lead to massive anxienty and trauma, that I am still dealing with today.

Now, I am in the phase of acutally coming to terms with my sexuality and actualizing it in a healthy way. A first step hereby is to finally start expressing my feelings to myself and others, when safe. Obviously, I am not the kind of person who would like to abuse children. I myself have been treated bad enough in childhood, although not in a sexual way, so I really don't want to cause any pain or suffering to a child. In addition, I'd rather have an adult partner, who can be a true partner for life, somebody I can talk to and who is socially acceptable as partner. The thing is, as mentioned above, I'm mainly attracted to prepubescent/pubescent body scemes, so an adult relationship certainly won't be sexually fulfilling for me. Not even sure if the biology would work, although I occasionally masturbate watching adult porn. Not to mention the hurdles to actually finding a partner who would be willing to engage in such a relationship and is trustworthy enough to know about my attractions.

I really struggle finding my place in society. Living in constant fear of being exposed and mistreated for "who I am", although I haven't done any harm to anyone. People just don't understand the difference between being attracted to children and actually abusing them. Most of child molestors are actually not pedophiles. And most pedophiles do not abuse children, but life in quiet desperation. If one reads the comments of rare enough articles or videos about this subject, many people just want to see pedophiles dead. Admittedly, there are some people of higher development, who have the ability to evaluate the subject more accurately. The fact is: We exist! Our attraction exists! Deal with it! We have, too!  Ironically, all the demonization of this topic will only push it further into the shadow and inevitably lead to more child abuse, because affected people feel excluded from society, more isolated, and thus more prone to commit acts of child abuse. In a more conscious world, pedophiles should be treated with the same amount of respect, love and trust like every citizen, because most pedophiles fundamentally are nothing but decent people. Under current conditions however, every person who feels this attraction, is forced in isolation, loneliness, despair and fear.

I hope that you can now relate a little bit to what it means to be a pedophile in our current society. There is a chance, although not very likely, that your child could be a pedophile (approx 1%+ of general population, genetic/environental factors matter). How would you like your child to be treated if it would develop such an attraction? How would you yourself like to be treated in this position? I find comfort in the acceptance, respect and open-mindedness of higher developed people. There seems so be a slow but steady growth in awareness about this subject in society, so that we can hopefully expect a safer place for minor-attracted people and children in the future.

[Fuku]

I don't really know much about the subject but I just wanted to tell that I admire your courage to admit it to yourself and talk to it about other people. Be careful who you're talking to about it tho. Many, many people would just instantly switch on to irreasonable anger mode. Well I guess you know that. Sorry I can't help, but good luck fighting your demons.
Maybe a few questions tho, if this could ever help unlock something even if I doubt it : Did you have adults partners, or are you maybe not that experienced in this domain and having false ideas/fears about relationships with another adult?
Are you attracted to someone that's an adult but that's either acting childish (there are some kind of extreme roleplay that people do daily, I don't remember the exact name if it has one, but like where one of the couple is acting as a child either in the bedroom sexually or in daily life) or having a more childish appearance (I guess this one would only work for girls tho, I was thinking about girls with a less developped body and or/way of acting, dressing, etc). Not trying to say "quick! bury your fetished and replace it by something more acceptable!". But I'm trying to see if there is a certain limit to your attraction. And if it's really only younger boys, then why do you think it is? Any specific trigger/moment in your life? Any kind of repressed feeling that draws you toward this specific type?
Of course, it might very well be nothing of this at all. Just trying to help but I don't know what I'm doing, sorry

[Shin]

Maybe you're here to change that ?

 

 

[YaNanNallari]

One thing I've noticed might be that a person who has things like that has an experience or memory probably related to those kinds of things being denied etc at that age or related to that age, such as trauma related to things at that age, which makes you still crave for it as it is asking attention to be resolved. Now when it comes to these things, it might take multiple layers of emotional work and stuff like that to get to a point where any relief starts to happen with the issue you want to fix, as it may require other things to be in place to transform something else. This is just my take on it, but I hope it helps give a perspective

[OhCaleo]

11:11

[Max_V]

This is just a thought, I’m very early in developing my own sexual maturity so take this with a grain of salt.

Maybe because you avoided your feelings about liking men when you where at the age of 15, you now crave what you did not allow yourself to feel back then. Because you deprived yourself of feeling exactly how you felt back then it is showing up now. You did not allow yourself to be into guys at the age of 15, so now your mind wants what it couldn’t get back then. This often also happens with guys who were never able to get a relationship with a girl when they were in their teens. The result of that is that at a later stage of their life they crave intimacy with a teenager.

Ponder if this is true for yourself.

[SpaceCowboy]

On ‎24‎.‎09‎.‎2018 at 2:16 AM, Fuku said:

I don't really know much about the subject but I just wanted to tell that I admire your courage to admit it to yourself and talk to it about other people. Be careful who you're talking to about it tho. Many, many people would just instantly switch on to irreasonable anger mode. Well I guess you know that. Sorry I can't help, but good luck fighting your demons.
Maybe a few questions tho, if this could ever help unlock something even if I doubt it : Did you have adults partners, or are you maybe not that experienced in this domain and having false ideas/fears about relationships with another adult?
Are you attracted to someone that's an adult but that's either acting childish (there are some kind of extreme roleplay that people do daily, I don't remember the exact name if it has one, but like where one of the couple is acting as a child either in the bedroom sexually or in daily life) or having a more childish appearance (I guess this one would only work for girls tho, I was thinking about girls with a less developped body and or/way of acting, dressing, etc). Not trying to say "quick! bury your fetished and replace it by something more acceptable!". But I'm trying to see if there is a certain limit to your attraction. And if it's really only younger boys, then why do you think it is? Any specific trigger/moment in your life? Any kind of repressed feeling that draws you toward this specific type?
Of course, it might very well be nothing of this at all. Just trying to help but I don't know what I'm doing, sorry

I don't have much experience with adults, but I want to change it in the future. Yes, I am indeed also a little bit attracted to adults, just not as much as my primary attraction.

My theory is that my emotional/psychological development has been affected by the horrible narcissistic abuse I suffered during childhood. Adults who have been abused as children are likely to lack emotional maturity and this could be a reason for my attraction. Let see if if it goes away once the trauma is healed.

[SpaceCowboy]

On ‎24‎.‎09‎.‎2018 at 5:59 AM, Shin said:

Maybe you're here to change that ?

 

 

Let's see where it goes 

[SpaceCowboy]

On ‎25‎.‎09‎.‎2018 at 1:23 AM, TylerJ said:

Has your therapist ever brought up something called POCD? Or have you ever heard of it? If not, I would look it up and see if it resonates with you. Also ask yourself “who do I really want to be with in a romantic/loving relationship” I believe your first response is your true sexuality. Anything else i think could be conditioned or even a result from something in your past. Not sure though

Have heard about it, but I'm quite sure it's the real thing. Let's see what happens once my childhood trauma is resolved and the hurt child is whole again.

Edited September 26, 2018 by SpaceCowboy

[SpaceCowboy]

On ‎25‎.‎09‎.‎2018 at 11:25 AM, Max_V said:

This is just a thought, I’m very early in developing my own sexual maturity so take this with a grain of salt.

Maybe because you avoided your feelings about liking men when you where at the age of 15, you now crave what you did not allow yourself to feel back then. Because you deprived yourself of feeling exactly how you felt back then it is showing up now. You did not allow yourself to be into guys at the age of 15, so now your mind wants what it couldn’t get back then. This often also happens with guys who were never able to get a relationship with a girl when they were in their teens. The result of that is that at a later stage of their life they crave intimacy with a teenager.

Ponder if this is true for yourself.

Hm, I've thought about it. Well, I was quite into the dude at the time. But my emotional maturity, appearance and social skills made it impossible to get into a relationship those days. Not really sure if it influenced my further development. 

I find it quite strange that something as important for an organism as the reproductive function can get so fucked up, that it's not really serving its original purpose. But maybe that's what it should under certain circumstances..

Anyway, good luck on your own way :).

 

[SpaceCowboy]

On ‎24‎.‎09‎.‎2018 at 9:38 PM, YaNanNallari said:

One thing I've noticed might be that a person who has things like that has an experience or memory probably related to those kinds of things being denied etc at that age or related to that age, such as trauma related to things at that age, which makes you still crave for it as it is asking attention to be resolved. Now when it comes to these things, it might take multiple layers of emotional work and stuff like that to get to a point where any relief starts to happen with the issue you want to fix, as it may require other things to be in place to transform something else. This is just my take on it, but I hope it helps give a perspective

Yep, working on it. Let's see where it takes me.

[now is forever]

On 26.9.2018 at 7:42 PM, SpaceCowboy said:

Hm, I've thought about it. Well, I was quite into the dude at the time. But my emotional maturity, appearance and social skills made it impossible to get into a relationship those days. Not really sure if it influenced my further development. 

I find it quite strange that something as important for an organism as the reproductive function can get so fucked up, that it's not really serving its original purpose. But maybe that's what it should under certain circumstances..

Anyway, good luck on your own way :).

 

could you find that dude now? maybe facing the love of your past could bring you into presence?

i‘ve also talked to gay guys who where attracted to older men in in their late teens, so if you respect their age and will - and don’t go for the extreme young ones... well.

if you feel very bothered and are afraid you might not have control over your doing, did you ever read about stereotactic brain surgery? it is changing the network connection in one area of the brain - sexual functions are not affected. i know they are working on that in göttingen germany - so it’s maybe not to far for you ( don’t know if they work with this in the us) guess it’s quiet expensive though. 

hope you don’t understand that negativeley, just wanted to widen your options. if it really works. some people even go so far to dream of brain surgery induced enlightenment... or get cut open for lesser reasons like a new nose. and transsexuals are going through a lot more work. it’s something else i know but it  depends on how people feel well in a social context.

Edited October 11, 2018 by now is forever

[SpaceCowboy]

1 hour ago, now is forever said:

could you find that dude now? maybe facing the love of your past could bring you into presence?

i‘ve also talked to gay guys who where attracted to older men in in their late teens, so if you respect their age and will - and don’t go for the extreme young ones... well.

I don't think that would change much really, not even sure he is gay. Because most people who never hooked up with their teen crushes still develop a teleiophilic sexuality (hetero/homo sexuality). In my opinion the problem is rooted in the emotional neglect I suffered in childhood. My first intuitive guess would be consciousness trying to complement itself through the polarity "innocent vs. not innocent", where a normal sexual polarity would be "male vs. female".

 

1 hour ago, now is forever said:

if you feel very bothered and are afraid you might not have control over your doing, did you ever read about stereotactic brain surgery? it is changing the network connection in one area of the brain - sexual functions are not affected. i know they are working on that in göttingen germany - so it’s maybe not to far for you ( don’t know if they work with this in the us) guess it’s quiet expensive though. 

hope you don’t understand that negativeley, just wanted to widen your options. if it really works. some people even go so far to dream of brain surgery induced enlightenment... or get cut open for lesser reasons like a new nose. and transsexuals are going through a lot more work. it’s something else i know but it  depends on how people feel well in a social context.

I don't feel so much bothered with the attraction itself, it's more the consequences like isolation, solitude and inability to disclose truth about oneself. As of now, I don't have any difficulty controlling myself in that respect. Not sure if brain surgery is the right approach, even if it worked somehow to alter the sexual urges. Something tells me that it's not wise to interfere with mother nature, even if, or exactly because, we don't understand yet what it means in the larger context. Thanks anyway for your input.

[now is forever]

1 hour ago, SpaceCowboy said:

I don't think that would change much really, not even sure he is gay. Because most people who never hooked up with their teen crushes still develop a teleiophilic sexuality (hetero/homo sexuality). In my opinion the problem is rooted in the emotional neglect I suffered in childhood. My first intuitive guess would be consciousness trying to complement itself through the polarity "innocent vs. not innocent", where a normal sexual polarity would be "male vs. female".

 

I don't feel so much bothered with the attraction itself, it's more the consequences like isolation, solitude and inability to disclose truth about oneself. As of now, I don't have any difficulty controlling myself in that respect. Not sure if brain surgery is the right approach, even if it worked somehow to alter the sexual urges. Something tells me that it's not wise to interfere with mother nature, even if, or exactly because, we don't understand yet what it means in the larger context. Thanks anyway for your input.

mh - just realized the article i found was quiet old from the 70‘s. they just „actualized“ it online in an archive. the thought was to give an impulse to the brain area. mhhh - maybe it didn’t work at all then or it really was not healthy...

would be interesting though.

[now is forever]

@SpaceCowboy sorry for even mentioning that method! have read about it now and found out: it is not just an impulse it’s a lesion. so it is damaging the brain area and very controversially discussed.

so maybe being part of a gay community and finding a very androgyn, young almost or grown up partner who already knows what he wants, if you aren’t already   doing that. and if it’s not controversial to your therapy in sense of interfering with the healing process of the inner child.

Edited October 11, 2018 by now is forever

[Arkandeus]

Very courageous to share your life, very gracious

Although I wouldn't blind myself, people do not fuck around when it comes to their kids, and sexual attraction to kids, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy

Pedophiles are right now what "witches" were during witch hunts in medieval times, they are what black people were in society in colonial times, absolutely excluded and treated mercilessly

I'd be careful who you share this with and just know, be conscious that society isn't ready to embrace pedophiles and help them adjust harmoniously to everyone else just yet, maybe in 30 or 50 years it will be, right it isn't

Pedophiles trigger the darkest shit in most people, the gutteral darkness, no mercy no restraint, just pure rage and disgust and stress, its ugly, better not tell just about anyone