F A B

Since I have a girlfriend, the other girls...

24 posts in this topic

Since I have a girlfriend, the other girls approach me a lot. Many of them don't even know that I am engaged.

Actually, she is my first girlfriend and I shared with her my first sexual intercourse. 

Probably girls find me more attractive because now I subconsciously show I can handle sex. I know I can make them squirt multiple time. I've applied all my studies to practice.

What's the point?

The point is that I really love my girlfriend but, at the same time, it's opened up a whole new world for me and I'm tempted to try new stuff with other women.

How to deal with that?

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I dont know, do what you want. Its probably natural for you to want that, as animals in nature also tend to build up as big of a harem as possible so their genes reproduce better. Its just a normal work of hormones. Having sex with many girls and cheating on your girlfriend might satisfy your ego.

 

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@F A B You can always find a woman that is more attractive than your partner, regardless of how attractive your partner is.

The physical attraction that you feel towards a woman is a free pass that lets you skip the flaws of her character for a while.
All people, upon close inspection, are fundamentally flawed and generally - a big trouble to be around.
To me, the only reason to commit to a relationship is because our flaws play each other in a way that requires both of us to change.
The more you change, the more valuable the relationship becomes because of the shared history of influence.
The more you fight in a way that makes both of you crack your shells - the more united you become.

This is how I understand relationship with another human.


Bearing with the conditioned in gentleness, fording the river with resolution, not neglecting what is distant, not regarding one's companions; thus one may manage to walk in the middle. H11L2

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Don't cheat, only weak men do that.

Ask if she's ok to have threesome or if you can have sex with other girls , or make the relationship an open one.

If you value having sex with as much girls as you want more than being in relationship with her, she's either not good gf material or you legitimately are in a phase in your life where you want to do this.

Either way you should break up, or stay with her if it's the other way around.

But don't cheat, only boys make women cry.

Edited by Shin

God is love

Whoever lives in love lives in God

And God in them

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You are tempted because you haven't connected with her on a very deep level. Go both and learn Tantra. 

Build the connection, and after a while, no girl will tempt you anymore. In the end, there are 2 ways in society. Marriage and what I said or the opposite. There is no middle way in this because the suffering is too great. 


... 7 rabbits will live forever.                                                                                                                                                                                                  

 

 

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7 hours ago, F A B said:

Since I have a girlfriend, the other girls approach me a lot. Many of them don't even know that I am engaged.

Actually, she is my first girlfriend and I shared with her my first sexual intercourse. 

Probably girls find me more attractive because now I subconsciously show I can handle sex. I know I can make them squirt multiple time. I've applied all my studies to practice.

What's the point?

The point is that I really love my girlfriend but, at the same time, it's opened up a whole new world for me and I'm tempted to try new stuff with other women.

How to deal with that?

When I was with my first boyfriend from age 16 -20 who I lost my virginity to, over the fours years we were together I swallowed many curiosities about what it would be like to experience other men. I didn't really admit to myself that I wanted this, because I was ashamed of these feelings and I loved him very much. I was also very moralistic about sexuality and monogamy. But beneath the surface, I was always curious what it was like to experience other partners, and it left me with this feeling of being trapped between a rock and hard place.

Luckily, that relationship ended when I was 20... as it was a terrible relationship for TOTALLY other reasons. And I had a brief promiscuous streak, with several one night stands a couple of brief flings. And by the time I was done with those sex capades, I had no idealized version or fantasy about what being with other guys or going home with strangers that I met at bars was like. It's not as epic as the movies make it seem. 

It was somewhat enjoyable physically and emotionally exciting the first few times. But it quickly got boring, and it made me a bit jaded as well because of some negative situations that happened toward the end. I also had a lot of societal beliefs about becoming less valuable every time I had sex with someone, as I had not yet explored or unpacked these ideas.

So, now that I am with my husband (we've been together for 8 1/2 years), I don't feel like I've missed out on anything in the hooking up department. I don't have a desire to be promiscuous. But if I had remained with my first boyfriend, and hadn't experienced those sexual adventures, I think I'd be constantly bothered and regret missing out on something. 

So, I would definitely find a way to address this issue, as it is weighing on you. If she's open-minded, you can try bringing it up to her. But most people are not that open, and feel negatively if their partner has a sexual desire that strays from them. But if we're all honest, I'm pretty sure that everyone has more intense attraction to other people than to their long-term partner, as they are used to their long-term partner. It's hard to desire strongly what you already have, and human emotions just don't really work that way. We're designed to have those strong "hot and bothered" emotions only in the first few months of a relationship with a new partner. So, it's not a wonder why people miss that feeling. It's one of the best feelings there is. 

Unfortunately our societal norms are built in such a way that we have to swallow many of our most natural desires and emotions and repress them away. Sexuality is frustrating for this reason, as it's difficult to reconcile with societal norms and the flow of human social interactions. Even still, I am a monogamous person, even though I don't think this is the most natural way of being for human beings. But I do think it's one of the more functional ways to exist at the same time. Sexuality is a tough nut to crack (or bust ;) hahaha).

Edited by Emerald

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If so, and if you're looking for an experienced coach to help you discover and resolve the root of the issue, you can click this link to schedule a free discovery call with me to see if my program is a good fit for you.

 

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@Emerald A long term relationship is more deep and profound than new flings. It's hard, it takes determination and also integrity. The long term benefits of growing a relationship is, imo, worth more than surface desires.

Do you think a relationship like that can include other partners or is transcendence of those desires preferable? 

Edited by cirkussmile

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Just now, cirkussmile said:

@Emerald A long term relationship is more deep and profound than new flings. It's hard, it takes determination and also integrity. The long term benefits of growing a relationship is, imo, worth more than surface desires.

Do you think a relationship like that can include other partners or is transcendence of those desire preferable? 

I agree. That's why I've been in such long-term relationships. I value monogamy as it is (in my opinion) the most stable relationship structure. But I also recognize that monogamy begets lots of sexual repression as well, which has to be addressed and integrated in some way or another. 

That said, I do think that some people can pull off polyamory. It just doesn't really work for me. It's not appealing to imagine myself with multiple boyfriends or girlfriends. It just doesn't feel intimate enough. And many people who are polyamorous tend to be that way because they're flakey or unable to commit.

But technically, my relationship with my husband is an open relationship. One insight that I had had during my experiences of ego transcendence, that occurred just slightly before my promiscuous streak, was that adding the idea of "only one person forever" was actually creating a lot of noise and bitterness to the relationships that didn't need to be there. So, I told my husband (then boyfriend) that if he wants to sleep with someone else as some point, that I'd let him do it as long as it didn't destabilize the relationship. And even though he was not really comfortable with it, he tried to extend the same courtesy to me. 

But ultimately, he never has taken me up on this open-ness nor have I. But I know it took a lot of pressure off of him, as he didn't have to think, "If this one works out, I will never have the freedom to experience anyone else sexually ever again." That's a really heavy psychological weight to have to bear and it really does add a lot of bitterness and fear to an otherwise beautiful thing. 

But I personally don't quite know how to reconcile all of this, if a person is not polyamorous. Polyamory is probably the only way to really get both. But again, I just don't feel like that's for me. And I suspect that a truly functional and stable polyamorous is rare at this point in history, because it is still part of humanity's shadow as its not socially acceptable. So, many times the only people who are open to it are people who have no care for social acceptability. This is what happens when something is in the shadow. Only the least socially accepted people are going to be brave enough to try it, because they don't have anything left to lose. But with this social rejection, many of them have become dysfunctional. 

But I'm sure those desires can be transcended if they're integrated properly as well. 


Are you struggling with self-sabotage and CONSTANTLY standing in the way of your own success? 

If so, and if you're looking for an experienced coach to help you discover and resolve the root of the issue, you can click this link to schedule a free discovery call with me to see if my program is a good fit for you.

 

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7 hours ago, Shin said:

Don't cheat, only weak men do that.

Ask if she's ok to have threesome or if you can have sex with other girls , or make the relationship an open one.

If you value having sex with as much girls as you want more than being in relationship with her, she's either not good gf material or you legitimately are in a phase in your life where you want to do this.

Either way you should break up, or stay with her if it's the other way around.

But don't cheat, only boys make women cry.

"But don't cheat, only boys make women cry."

What blatant manipulation of language to push your own ideals of what makes someone weak or strong. Attacking the ego to make them feel threatened against something.

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30 minutes ago, cirkussmile said:

@Emerald A long term relationship is more deep and profound than new flings. It's hard, it takes determination and also integrity. The long term benefits of growing a relationship is, imo, worth more than surface desires.

Do you think a relationship like that can include other partners or is transcendence of those desires preferable? 

Generally people get out the surface desires young and get into more developed relationships later in life.

There's always a potential partner you can work and settle down with. There's no magical one person so whats the rush?

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6 minutes ago, Shadowraix said:

"But don't cheat, only boys make women cry."

What blatant manipulation of language to push your own ideals of what makes someone weak or strong. Attacking the ego to make them feel threatened against something.

In my experience it's quite true, the only moments I was tempted to cheat or I saw other men cheat is when they are very immature and have no self control at all of their sexual impulses, no long term vision of a relationship, or even what a relationship is supposed to be in the first place.

Men who understood that to some degree just don't cheat, or simply don't get into a commited monogamous relationship.

You're right though, I totally worded this sentence with that purpose, like 100% ?

Edited by Shin

God is love

Whoever lives in love lives in God

And God in them

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6 minutes ago, Shin said:

In my experience it's quite true, the only moments I was tempted to cheat or I saw other men cheat is when they are very immature and have no self control at all of their sexual impulses, no long term vision of a relationship, or even what a relationship is supposed to be in the first place.

Men who understood that to some degree just don't cheat, or simply don't get into a commited monogamous relationship.

You're right though, I totally worded this sentence with that purpose, like 100% ?

"even what a relationship is supposed to be in the first place."

You mean what you want a relationship to be.

My point is being weak relative to your standards is not an arguing point against cheating. The only arguing point against it is if somebody doesn't desire the potential outcome of cheating.

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10 minutes ago, Shadowraix said:

"even what a relationship is supposed to be in the first place."

You mean what you want a relationship to be.

My point is being weak relative to your standards is not an arguing point against cheating. The only arguing point against it is if somebody doesn't desire the potential outcome of cheating.

That is why I said open relationship are totally fine.

It's just that 95% of relationship are implicitly monogamous.

But yeah sometimes I'm too arrogant/immature myself and try to impose my ideas on others, thank you to bring it up ?


God is love

Whoever lives in love lives in God

And God in them

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10 hours ago, SFRL said:

 

This.

Quote

Men who understood that to some degree just don't cheat, or simply don't get into a commited monogamous relationship.

Also this. There's no real reason a person can't just say to his girlfriend, "Hey, I would like to have other girlfriends," if he intends to have those sorts of connections with other people. Cheating happens generally when someone doesn't have the balls to say, "I don't want to be monogamous," or they want to enjoy the apparent comforts of a monogamous relationship from their partner's end while still getting a side dish secretly.

There's nothing wrong with side dishes. The problem is the sneaking around part where you're basically compelled to "pull one over" on your partner. The problem is that cheaters usually just lack the courage to be upfront about what they want from a relationship.

Do what you want, OP...but if you find yourself having to hide what you do, ask yourself, "What is it here that I don't have the balls to do? Where are the balls lacking in my life? What am I avoiding?"

Having said all that, it doesn't matter anyway, because OP's post is probably just a humblebrag, and he's unlikely to actually be seeking advice. (At first I wasn't totally sure just from the suspicious title, but then he mentioned the squirting thing.)

Edited by eleveneleven

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7 hours ago, Emerald said:

I agree. That's why I've been in such long-term relationships. I value monogamy as it is (in my opinion) the most stable relationship structure. But I also recognize that monogamy begets lots of sexual repression as well, which has to be addressed and integrated in some way or another. 

That said, I do think that some people can pull off polyamory. It just doesn't really work for me. It's not appealing to imagine myself with multiple boyfriends or girlfriends. It just doesn't feel intimate enough. And many people who are polyamorous tend to be that way because they're flakey or unable to commit.

But technically, my relationship with my husband is an open relationship. One insight that I had had during my experiences of ego transcendence, that occurred just slightly before my promiscuous streak, was that adding the idea of "only one person forever" was actually creating a lot of noise and bitterness to the relationships that didn't need to be there. So, I told my husband (then boyfriend) that if he wants to sleep with someone else as some point, that I'd let him do it as long as it didn't destabilize the relationship. And even though he was not really comfortable with it, he tried to extend the same courtesy to me. 

But ultimately, he never has taken me up on this open-ness nor have I. But I know it took a lot of pressure off of him, as he didn't have to think, "If this one works out, I will never have the freedom to experience anyone else sexually ever again." That's a really heavy psychological weight to have to bear and it really does add a lot of bitterness and fear to an otherwise beautiful thing.

You are pointing to something very challenging and complex that is good to talk about. 

You have ideas on how to handle or intergrate those desires? Or do you feel that a relationship that focuses on growth removes those desires? 

I have the feeling that the less our emotional needs are met the more we thinl about others. Do you see that correlation? If it is so, monogamy and focus on the relationship and emotional needs, is the solution to those desires. In other words: we cure sexual desires with others by being more monogamos. How you see this? This also adress the need integrate it.

Is polyamory having more partners or is temporary sex partner included? 

My current view on poly is that they are missing something or trying to supress emotions. I can’t put words to it but I can’t see how they focus on longterm. More consciousness seems to take away the need to have many girlfriends or boyfriends, but this is just an idea I have. 

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12 minutes ago, cirkussmile said:

My current view on poly is that they are missing something or trying to supress emotions. I can’t put words to it but I can’t see how they focus on longterm. More consciousness seems to take away the need to have many girlfriends or boyfriends, but this is just an idea I have. 

It's hard to say, we would need more studies on this (even If I think they are legit people who really want it without being lustful).

But one thing I noticed since I stopped porn/masturbation and I meditate and try to be as conscious as possible everyday:

I rarely think about sex, not only I don't have time, but it just doesn't happen.

The only moment it happens is when I'm alone in my appartment with my girlfriend and it leads to it after playing/cuddling together.

Now, maybe I'm demisexual, but maybe not and it's just our modern way to live life that makes us want so much sex/partner.

If you go deeper and deeper in intimacy/emotional connection, and remove the neurotic need of the ego to always want more, I can clearly see one sexual partner as more than enough.

Edited by Shin

God is love

Whoever lives in love lives in God

And God in them

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8 minutes ago, Shin said:

It's hard to say, we would need more studies on this (even If I think they are legit people who really want it without being lustful).

But one thing I noticed since I stopped porn/masturbation and I meditate and try to be as conscious as possible everyday:

I rarely think about sex, not only I don't have time, but it just doesn't happen.

The only moment it happens is when I'm alone in my appartment with my girlfriend and it leads to it after playing/cuddling together.

Now, maybe I'm demisexual, but maybe not and it's just our modern way to live life that makes us want so much sex/partner.

If you go deeper and deeper in intimacy/emotional connection, and remove the neurotic need of the ego to always want more, I can clearly see one sexual partner as more than enough.

Have your view on this changed since you started meditation? 

I have the same experience. I also do not like to ejaculate wich ”takes” away the shallownsurface desires even more. I feel that the more I ejaculate the more I think about sex.

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7 minutes ago, cirkussmile said:

Have your view on this changed since you started meditation? 

I have the same experience. I also do not like to ejaculate wich ”takes” away the shallownsurface desires even more. I feel that the more I ejaculate the more I think about sex.

I think about sex way less since I started to meditate daily yes.

Just 30 minutes ago I got a nice blowjob and I refused to ejaculate and now I feel super pumped (and still not think about sex)

No way I'll go back to waste energy like that, it's so stupid when you feel the difference ?


God is love

Whoever lives in love lives in God

And God in them

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@Hellspeed

Tantra?

I have never heard this word since my girlfriend mentioned it just two days ago.

What a nice coincidence!

Where can I get more information about it?

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