I'm a "male lesbian?"

[XYZ]

For a long time I've been trying to understand my atypical sexual expression and polarity, which seems quite unusual. Despite having always been super attracted to the feminine, I was often assumed to be homosexual based on my interests and lack thereof. And while I don't feel like a woman trapped in a man's body, the way I relate to men and women is often described as more like a female than a straight male would. Now I have no attachment to being masculine, willing to accept by true nature whatever it is.  So here I'll list some of my experiences, in the hopes of getting a clearer picture of what is going on:

• I've never had any interest in watching sports or other competition. Instead I get deep emotional enjoyment from love dramas, I'd be bored out of my mind watching a football game, but found shows like The O.C. and Dawson's Creek deeply entertaining and satisfying.
• Likewise in real life, I am extremely averse to competition, and never felt the drive to achieve or accomplish anything in typical masculine fashion. My bliss is to be in the flow of life, experience the feminine, and enjoy sensual experiences. 
• I don't ever seem capable of caring about anything beyond myself so much that I feel deeply driven and passionate about it. I see men at large as being the disposable gender, human doings only valued for their work, selflessly committing to being a utility. I never felt this way about myself, always considered myself equally valuable and worthy of comfort and protection as much as any female.
• I seek out sensually satisfying experiences through the 5 senses, and this is that gives me the most physical pleasure in life. Like eating food, smelling aromas, feeling textures, looking at women, listening to music. To me life isn't meaningful, it's sensual.
• I love to get swept up pop music with soft, sweet sensual feminine vocals. Often find myself listening to stuff like Britney Spears, Kylie Minogue, Vanessa Carlton and Mandy Moore songs from the early 2000s, which make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
• I never seem to fit in with other guys, never felt comfortable in groups of men, can't hardly relate to them. Talking to women is easy and relaxing for me, talking to men often feels brash and makes me uneasy. Also making eye contact with unfamiliar men is very uncomfortable, or even scary. I often find myself crossing the street to avoid walking directly towards another man on the sidewalk, especially if it's a large or aggressive looking man, it's like my body goes into fight/flight mode so I remove myself & just stay relaxed.
• But I have no problems making eye contact with women. In fact I very much enjoy looking deep into the pupils of an attractive female, which comes easily and natural to me when doing no-fap.
• The few male friends I have become close with seem to be more 'tame' than typical men, not the roughhousing, one-upping, prank-pulling, sports watching bro guys, they don't smell, are open to talking about their feelings, aren't egocentric, and don't judge me. 
• I am very drawn to the sent of women, but repulsed by male scent. This alone makes me not want to be around other men much.
• My ideal experience of intimacy would be to just cuddle endlessly with a beautiful woman, embrace, touch and caress her all over, but not actually having any sexual acts with her that involve my own genitalia, just being in intimate contact without leading to orgasm and ejaculation. Sexual release feels like inferior low-consciousness pleasure, which leaves me feeling numb and depleted afterwards, and this activity is something I don't want to do anymore, whether alone or with women. I have never had sex before but was very addicted to masturbating for most of my teens and 20s. I mean an extreme addiction, fapping 5-10 times a day, often for many hours. This year I have finally broken that addiction, and it seems permanent. I can experience much more pleasurable vibrations from breathwork, meditation and other practices, and these leave me more awakened and energized afterward, the complete opposite of ejaculating. But despite overcoming and transmuting sexual urges, I still gravitate towards sensuality, and very drawn towards female bodies as objects of desire. There seems to be nothing more captivating to me in life than the wish to touch, or look at beautiful women, and it seems unavoidable that my focus is on pursuing that drive, or finding ways to cope without it.

Just trying to figure out what is going on here with this unusual energy polarity and atypical gender expression, and how to deal with it. Nothing left to hide and no ego to protect.

 

Edited September 22, 2018 by XYZ
Brevity, conciseness, subject relevance

[Pilgrim]

Well honestly, you give me a bit of hope.  There are definitely women out there who are looking for men that are very female in their energy. It's funny.. I have never been attracted to this typical "male" behaviour and am very drawn to female energy as well.. however I always knew that I am not homosexual. I ended up falling in love with many gay or bisexual men. 

It seems unusual yes, but it's nothing I would worry about. You just seem to have a lot of female energy and in my opinion that's amazing  

[Emerald]

First thing I would do is to try to release resistance to the masculine. It seems like you have a pretty strong aversion to it. Once you clear up that aversion, more clarity will come from that. Resistance of any kind muddies the waters. 

So, if you're perceiving of yourself as feminine, it could be because you're actually more feminine. Or it could be that you only feel comfortable and safe in the feminine because of your resistance to the masculine. Or it could be (and most likely is) a mix of the two.

I personally, have had a lot of issue with feminine repression throughout my life, despite being a woman who is inherently more feminine than masculine by quite a bit. So, it's definitely possible to repress the energy that's more dominant as well. So, it's important not to rule that out as a possibility either. 

My feminine repression started when I was nine or ten. And I started thinking of myself as "more like a guy." And I hated girls and women because they were "shallow and catty and scared of everything." And I refused to be friends with girls when I was in the fifth grade, and I drew permanent markers all over their faces in the yearbook. And when I would think about girls who were actually nice, I would just write her out of that narrative, but go immediately back to hating all girls and refusing to associate with them. It just felt better to make a sweeping generalization and say "All girls suck!" Ironically, the MGTOW ideology always reminds me of myself when I was ten. I was very melodramatic and door-slammy about my hatred of the female gender back then.

And I got super competitive, especially with strength and ability to handle pain. I always wanted to "out-boy" the boys and be the strongest.  That summer when I was at day camp, I kept hounding all the guys to arm wrestle me. This was before puberty, so I could actually beat most of them. But they didn't really have a desire to compete with me. They were just confused as to why I was asking them to arm wrestle all the time. 

But by then, I was over the brunt of my most overt misogyny and I had some friends there who were girls. But I still definitely liked guys better than girls and thought of them as the superior gender... to which I was the only loophole (of course ).

And I was always trying to impress the guys by showing them how much pain I could handle without flinching. I had these two girls with sharp nails scratch down both of my arms at once as hard as they could, just to prove that I wouldn't flinch from the pain. And it hurt quite a lot. But I was so proud of my ability to handle pain stoically, that I sought out pain as it was a source of pride. And I really did get used to hurting to where I didn't have much resistance to it at all. It was easy to detach from. 

Then, I went to middle school, and I decided that I wanted to fit in. I spent all of fifth grade being made fun of by everyone except the few nerdy guys who were my friends... especially the preppy girls of the lass. But I decided that middle school would be different and that I would be more popular. So, I devised a plan to improve my social status and put enough feminine back on to be acceptable, and eventually phased out of that "Macho-man" phase.

But none-the-less, the misogynistic feelings remained. And when I finally started to actually find myself in the 7th grade, I still sort of harbored this idea that "I'm more like a guy." And I made friends with a lot of other girls who were all off-beat in some way which made them targets for bullying like I was: either nerdy, overweight, masculine, weird, etc. A signifiant portion of whom eventually came out as queer.... including me too I suppose as I'm bi-sexual. And I really found myself with that group of friends. To be honest, I don't know how I'd be had I not had such a perfect friend group. They were more accepting of me than anyone I had ever met in my life. And most of us are still friends.

But somehow I still managed to keep up the idea that I preferred being friends with guys and that I was more like a guy. I also unconsciously harbored a lot of beliefs about male superiority, and I held onto a lot of misogyny still. And I had unconscious negative feelings about girls in general... especially if she were more feminine. A girl had to be more masculine for me to be really comfortable around her. Otherwise, I felt like I wasn't good enough and that she would look down on me. And I always secretly judged girls I went to high school with who dressed for attractiveness as opposed to self-expression ( I was goth at the time so I was big on the philosophy of dressing purely for self-expression and not adornment). But all of this was semi-unconscious, as I identified strongly with being a person who was cool with everyone and who thought the genders were equal. I didn't realize consciously that any of this was going on.

Fast forward to when I was 20 years old, and I had my experiences of ego transcendence. And one of the most powerful feelings I got inside me and all around me, was this deep sense of femininity. But not cultural ideas of femininity... actual divine femininity. And it was in me and all the plants too. 

At the time, I basically believed that masculinity and femininity were purely social constructs. So, this divine femininity struck me so powerfully that I immediately recognized my energy as predominantly feminine. And feminine was the only appropriate word for that energy, despite not having much to do with our social ideas of the feminine. 

And I also realized that all that time I had been judging other girls and other women, I had been creating a huge barrier that insulated me from my dominant energy. 

So, ever since I've been working on accepting my femininity and removing barriers to it. It's one of my deepest issues that I've still yet to see the other side of. It also doesn't help that my sexuality is tied in with this as well, which is also repressed in some signifiant ways. 

So, it's a long post, but I wanted to share it with you because you can see how resistance to the feminine and fear of being feminine, made it to where I thought I wasn't very feminine. 

 

[Spiral]

@XYZ Cuddles really are the best

[RabbitHole]

Same here.

I've heard many times that I think more with emotions than logic, which is kinda true.

I love bright, colorful stuff. 

I love animals and nature and everything that's colorful or beautiful  

Listen to classical, indie, emotional love songs.

I love fashion.

I use term aesthetic 20 times a day.

Never heard, but probably some have thought about me being homesexual even though I'm great with girls.

I hate watching sports and doing most of them except I'm triathlete  

I see nothing wrong with that and I truly believe that there is very common problem called "overmanliness" and that men are shaped into sociopaths.

There for sure is the other side:

Agressive routine - super produtive, ambitious and goal oriented, doing heavy endurance/triathlon training (so heavy that you no one could imagine that I have pink raincot when seeing me when training)   .  Also often mean and almost always straight and don't care about emotions If It's true. 

I believe this is called duality and we all have It in different degrees, I guess I'm more feminine that masculine, but I love It and you should just own it!

 

 

[eleveneleven]

Yeah, I don't see a problem here. If this is your nature, then it's your nature. Everyone is a unique individual.

Masculinity is also not necessarily about roughhousing and being a "bro" or trying to endlessly manipulate the universe of forms. But I suppose if you're not very masculine yourself, you might only notice the more superficial manifestations of it, from an outside perspective. This is fine, too.

Just do you, man.

[aurum]

@XYZ

Because of your extreme negative reactions to men, I would definitely say something is getting triggered. Something you are repressing.

What was your relationship to your mom and dad?

[alea]

I think we have some coping mechanisms in order to cope with tension and stress/or some real life problems. For example, some people overeat, some become shy, some people become a workaholic, hypermasculine etc. Therefore, we have balance in our lives, and think "it's our nature"(overeating, shyness etc). But our brains don't agree with us and we have some conflicts between our acts and thoughts. You may choose to play safe rather than struggle, being friends with girls, masturbation, meditation etc. They are all safe and no tension. But they are not real at the same time, maybe that is why you have confusion. If you go out with baby steps and discover the nature, you may like it. I don't know. 

[XYZ]

It feels like this is discovering my true nature, having let go of any need to feel masculine or attractive to women. Used to be I was heavily concerned with being seen by others as masculine, and in fact I thought that my affinity towards the feminine and aversion to men was a manifestation of that. After all, it made sense that if I am supremely masculine, I would be totally enraptured by the female form, and powerfully drawn to feminine energy, and repelled by masculine energy, and averse to the sensory and energetic expressions of men. 

But what changed in my perception recently is to finally accept that this nature I exhibit is actually being feminine, and also to gain a better understanding of what masculinity actually entails, that I've never embodied it in the first place, and it's not something I want to aspire to at all. And these actually seem to go hand in hand:

It appears that the male is biologically programmed to be the disposable gender, valued only for what they can do for others, particularly as a provider, protector, leader and entertainer. Men are the builders, the warriors, the beasts of burden, and the cannon fodder. And indeed it is masculine to sacrifice one's own well being, or entire life for a cause, or person, almost as is that is what normal men were born to do. Everything I've learned from MGTOW, PUA, evolutionary psychology, history, biology and even actualized.org supports this same conclusion, that men are born to be a disposable utility. I see committing to a "life purpose" as just an extension of this male disposability- while certainly women can have a strong sense life purpose, reading David Deida and listening to Leo's interviews with Tripp Advice has pointed out that purposefulness is fundamental to masculinity, that the essence of being a man is about giving, producing, generating external value. This is why men are willing to fight and die for causes they believe in, and my experience with masculinity in others as well as myself is that it's confrontational and aggressive. This is why (normal heterosexual) sex is about pleasuring and inseminating the woman, the man is just a tool, a human doing, giving a performance and sacrificing his seed to her womb.

I am and have always been a very passionate person, and passion is charged sexual polarity. After re-reading the introduction to Way of The Superior Man, I understood more fully that my energy is unavoidably more feminine. If it was balanced, he suggests, then watching a football game and a romantic drama would be equally stimulating or dull to me. And this is just one example of ways in which my entire outlook on life is feminine. I understand that sexual orientation has nothing to do with energy polarity or gender expression, and I've always been deeply attracted to the female form and sensations of the feminine, it has nothing to do with me being a man, or caring about being a man, or being masculine, or being feminine. 

At the same time though, I don't see myself as being effeminate. The line isn't always clear, but I am not at all comfortable with being submissive in relationships or interactions to anyone. This is why I initially assumed I was balanced rather than feminine, since the feminine tends to be more yielding, submissive, surrendering. But to reconcile affinity for the feminine and aversion to effeminacy, my preference towards the feminine mode of life can be seen as a voluntary choice. I mentioned before how I avoid walking close to a big man on the sidewalk because it makes me uncomfortable or scared. Well I can just power through that fear, and what happens then is my body goes into fight instead of flight mode, I tense up, puff out my chest, take on an enraged, aggressive, menacing expression, and clench my fists without realizing it. This is allowing myself to embody masculine, it is a very powerful feeling, but I'd rather not experience things like this, in these situations and life in general, it is highly stressful. So I choose to make my life about enjoying the feminine, only embodying the masculine when certain situations trigger me and I am forced to do it or else be submissive. When it comes to relating to men, I know I can't compete, and I don't want to compete, so I avoid comparing myself to men, and am always on the defensive around other men, except if its like a close friend. When it comes to relating to women, I just want to back in their energies and enjoy them and being with them, not having to perform masculinity for them, not having a responsibility to lead, dominate, protect, entertain and provide for them. But I doubt that most women would be attracted to men who want to be one with the feminine rather than serve it. 

[Forestluv]

Masculine and feminine is a binary construct that humans made up. It may have some value in that it is simple, convenient and some say help maintain social structure. Currently, there are only two options: masculine and feminine. This is a binary system (2 options). Yet, some people are a complex mix of both. As well, some people don't identify as either in some areas. There may be some traits listed under the masculine menu that doesn't resonate with a person. Then society says "Ahhh!, you want the opposite: the feminine menu!!". Yet, the opposite feminine traits on the menu isn't that appealing other. Traditionally, such people have been told "Too bad, there are only two menus to choose from". Gender roles as they exist today is a simple "either / or" choice. Yet, this oversimplifies the complexity. A new nonbinary menu is emerging for individuals that don't identify with either masculine or feminine on for given traits. This threatens people that have been conditioned with a rigid traditional masculine / feminine reality. Personally, I'm curious what new forms of expression will emerge from new nonbinary gender categories.

[Hellspeed]

Awaken, and you will find your true way. 

[XYZ]

@Serotoninluv

Gender dysphoria and nonconformity is natural, and always existed, and what we see now with all the pronouns, genders and orientations people are inventing is the result of transcending binary gender stereotypes, yet still clinging to having an identity and ideology. This is a good reminder that using self-descriptions like masculine and feminine are misleading. Much like I've shed labels like MGTOW, incel, volcel, introvert, it is time to move beyond this kind of pigeonholing and be unlimited.