Stage Rainbow ?

[aclokay]

I feel like I've gotten into a new stage of Spiral dynamics, which I would call Stage Rainbow. 

I've been in a very low place in my life where I needed help and guidance, and thanks to all the self help content, I'm full of it.

Right up to my head, no place of breath. All of the content is built in my head in form of values which are tugging me on opposing sides and leaving me in the same place even after many years of practice.

It feels like a self sabotaging stage. For example, I did a lot of meditation, and a retreat and learned to understand that the nature of existence is impermanence. Not just figuratively in my mind, but in the reality of all of the sensations. I could see everything as a wave rising and about to fall.  And this sabotages my need for all of the things which motivated me: Happiness, Success, Relationships, Fun, and so on.

I understand that the reward of being successful will vanish before I know, so I stop pursing it. Even meditating, I understand the equanimity is also impermanent and I cannot use it for motivation any more.

This leaves me in a very awkward phase where I cannot pursue anything fully, and cannot completely let go. It's like, if I let go of everything, let my mind shutup for extended periods of time. The first moment it gets the chance it will say that silence of the mind is temporary. And when I practice anything or works toward a goal, the mind will say the same thing. 

It's like, if the mind had a trick of distracting me by motivating for success, not the trick is to distract me from EVERYTHING. 

I can't form any habits. I can't stick to anything. I've tried the most basic things, nothing becomes a habit for more than a few months. Everything is done haphazardly. The first thing that comes to mind is that I need order but no order seems to be maintainable.

Has anyone here encountered this situation in their life? How did you handle that?

 

[Preetom]

@aclokay This is the very definition of an upcoming breakthrough.

The caterpillar becomes so dysfunctional before becoming a butterfly. The self becomes so dysfunctional and gets fragmented into multiple opposing pieces that it becomes impossible to take another step forward.

Eventually it becomes a do or die situation. It can't get worse and worse forever. There is Death as your best friend to put a full stop on anything and everything. Tap into that primal truth and inquire into the self. The cosmetics of the self have become so dysfunctional that it's impossible to put more bandages on it.

A breakthrough must come. Rigorous self inquiry is the way. Inquiry must be done on the self, not on the cosmetics of the self. This present self won't make this trial by fire. A spiritual rebirth is imminent, which is known as Spiritual Enlightenment.

I wish I could say pretty, flowery things to you. But that rainbow colored, centerless jumble of banged up self won't survive this journey

[Mu_]

8 hours ago, aclokay said:

I feel like I've gotten into a new stage of Spiral dynamics, which I would call Stage Rainbow. 

I've been in a very low place in my life where I needed help and guidance, and thanks to all the self help content, I'm full of it.

Right up to my head, no place of breath. All of the content is built in my head in form of values which are tugging me on opposing sides and leaving me in the same place even after many years of practice.

It feels like a self sabotaging stage. For example, I did a lot of meditation, and a retreat and learned to understand that the nature of existence is impermanence. Not just figuratively in my mind, but in the reality of all of the sensations. I could see everything as a wave rising and about to fall.  And this sabotages my need for all of the things which motivated me: Happiness, Success, Relationships, Fun, and so on.

I understand that the reward of being successful will vanish before I know, so I stop pursing it. Even meditating, I understand the equanimity is also impermanent and I cannot use it for motivation any more.

This leaves me in a very awkward phase where I cannot pursue anything fully, and cannot completely let go. It's like, if I let go of everything, let my mind shutup for extended periods of time. The first moment it gets the chance it will say that silence of the mind is temporary. And when I practice anything or works toward a goal, the mind will say the same thing. 

It's like, if the mind had a trick of distracting me by motivating for success, not the trick is to distract me from EVERYTHING. 

I can't form any habits. I can't stick to anything. I've tried the most basic things, nothing becomes a habit for more than a few months. Everything is done haphazardly. The first thing that comes to mind is that I need order but no order seems to be maintainable.

Has anyone here encountered this situation in their life? How did you handle that?

 

I think Preetom is right on.  Also don't worry to much what Yoooooouuuuuu think the mind will do or not, its like worrying about what number a random number generator will land on.  Its okay to be no-body doing nothing.  Accept the time of being as it is, motivationless or if theres motivation go with that to its natural conclusion.  By the sound of it the current you/your mind is judging your none action/motivationlessness according how society see's such things

This sounds like I place I lived for a while and the hardest part was just being what ever I was moment to moment, because I constantly judged the time/experience in a way that I've been taught.  As a result of being raised in common society, we are taught to be productive in some particular success driven way or producing relevant things (art, volunteering, being of use to society, etc) and when we no longer feel driven or motivated by such its labeled as a problem or depression or you need to "seek" help.   This dialogue has probably been yelled at to you by your own mind now, or friends or family who think your in a problematic state.

I literally just worked, came home and watched videos of enlightened people not even listening to what they had to say, but just feeling their presence.  My ears would of course be working and involuntarily picking up this or that, but I was not trying to find or listen to anything.  Learning interestingly enough still took to place and slowly new functioning and perspectives emerged on their own without much trying.  reminding ones self of these new truths were both spontaneous and something I would feel like I did to bring those truths back to for front.  Hopefully your following what Im pointing to here.  Stay strong, its not easy in phases like this, but just relax, the worst that can happen is you do nothing.

Edited September 21, 2018 by Mu_