Can Enlightened People Be In Relationships?

[WhatAmI]

I am meditating and want to grow spiritually, but I think relationships are important as well.

You never ever hear of monks or spiritual teachers caring about sex.
Sex is a human pleasure that you are supposedly supposed to get over once you realise that you can reach higher states of bliss and connect with the divine nature of consciousness.

But in my experience, you can grow a lot from relationships and it is one of the beautiful things about being human. I don't want to give it up.

Is the fact that im finding it hard to detach from relationships signalling that I have a long way to go before being enlightened?

[Phocus]

Anything that is emotionally stimulating/triggering can be a great opportunity for spiritual growth.  A relationship can also be a huge distraction.  What is true for you?

[SkyPanther]

Yes, and no.

It depends on the type of enlightenment, and the person you are with. 

[WhatAmI]

@SkyPanther what different types of enlightenment are there? I always thought enlightenment was being completely detached from the ego and fully present with what is truth and what is reality. Do u have a different definition?

Are you saying that if the person you are with is spiritual then a relationship is okay?

[Anicko]

Relationships in and of themselves are not the problem. It's all about the particular people involved. 

Chances are, many things about you are going to change. Some things change quite suddenly, while others take time. Some people you know are not going to like it at all. 

The hardest part is staying focused on yourself. You can not let other people, no matter how much you love them, stop you or make you turn back completely. 

You need to learn to use others as mirrors for you. That will help you in so many ways, especially if there are relationships you want to keep. 

It takes time and practice. And, unfortunately, pain. But it's worth it. 

[ZenMonkey]

@WhatAmI What we see as love in relationships today is mostly only ego attachment and addictive clinging. We are addicted to the other person and as with every addiction we try to cover up our pain. But instead of covering it up we can also go through it.

So if you only cover up your pain in a relationship, it is a distraction. That said, after some time the drug will no longer work. There comes a point when your partner behaves in ways that fail to meet the needs of your ego. The feelings of fear, pain, and lack that had been covered up by the relationship will resurface. If you stay conscious here you can use it to grow.

This is mostly from Eckhart Tolle. He has some good stuff on this topic, check it out:

Relationships - True Love and the Transcendence of Duality

Love/Hate Relationships

[SkyPanther]

11 hours ago, WhatAmI said:

@SkyPanther what different types of enlightenment are there? I always thought enlightenment was being completely detached from the ego and fully present with what is truth and what is reality. Do u have a different definition?

Are you saying that if the person you are with is spiritual then a relationship is okay?

There seems to be two types of "enlightenment", and within them, further steps.

The most well known is "ego death". This is what is discussed by people like Mooji,  Alan Watts, The Buddha, Tolle,  Jesus... etc...

Then you have the egoic development path, which is discussed by Ken Wilber.  

Depending on the person one may appeal more than the other.   Personally, I like the "ego death" path.  It feels more intuitive to me. 

If you are pursuing ego death, there are a few paths after you get it.  One is the Buddhist, which emphasizes emptiness and impermanence, and the other is the Advaita Vedanta path which emphasizes fullness and eternity.   Neither are "wrong", they are different perspectives and will appeal to different people.

If you choose the Buddhist path, there are 4 steps, starting with "Stream Winner" (Sotapanna) which is a person right after realizing that the self is an illusion.  There are steps you take to further remove the "taints" of the ego.  Until you get "Arhant".   With each step (even Stream Winner) there are a lot of personality changes.  Including to some people thinking you have not personality at all. 

@Henri will have more information on Advaita Vedanta, I am not as well versed in that path.

And yes, it depends on the person because some people take change in personality better than others and can adapt to how you are changing as you progress. 

 

Edited March 30, 2016 by SkyPanther

[Leo Gura]

Two of the most enlightened people I've met were both happily married.

You don't even understand what a relationship is until a few enlightenments in.

Sex != relationship

In fact you can be in a relationship and celibate.

[Isle of View]

1 hour ago, Nickfury7 said:

@Leo Gura A few enlightenments in? So there are more than one enlightenment?

Yes. No.

Both statements are true. Both statements are false.

Enlightenment is beyond the realm of space, time and any physicality whatsoever.

This means, while in that state, you have lost all operational faculties.

Therefore when you see "enlightened" people walking and talking, they are partially sacrificing their state of enlightenment to play the game of life, fulfill some mission they see is worthwhile or what have you.

But, to be noted, there are as many definitions and beliefs about enlightenment as there are about water.

What is water?

How does it smell?

How does it taste, feel like. What is its color?

What can one do with it?

 

[appleaurorae]

Enlightened person with enlightened person, with similar goals or accepting different ones, wanting to improve: yes, why not.

But if you choose to be both higher and have a lemming girlfriend/boyfriend: not going to happen or you are a masochist.

On 28.03.2016 at 1:08 PM, WhatAmI said:

You never ever hear of monks or spiritual teachers caring about sex.
Sex is a human pleasure that you are supposedly supposed to get over once you realise that you can reach higher states of bliss and connect with the divine nature of consciousness.

Exactly (giving like for this). I mean, if you consider Aleister Crowley a spiritual teacher, then there are such who care . However, yes, I as a romantic asexual can say, there are things other than sex that are billion times more important in a true relationship (such relationship consists also of friendship, duh). But as an inexperienced person in relationships in practice, I can only believe.

Edited April 16, 2016 by appleaurorae

[Flower]

On 30 March 2016 at 5:27 PM, ZenMonkey said:

@WhatAmI What we see as love in relationships today is mostly only ego attachment and addictive clinging. We are addicted to the other person and as with every addiction we try to cover up our pain. But instead of covering it up we can also go through it.

So if you only cover up your pain in a relationship, it is a distraction. That said, after some time the drug will no longer work. There comes a point when your partner behaves in ways that fail to meet the needs of your ego. The feelings of fear, pain, and lack that had been covered up by the relationship will resurface. If you stay conscious here you can use it to grow.

This is mostly from Eckhart Tolle. He has some good stuff on this topic, check it out:

Relationships - True Love and the Transcendence of Duality

Love/Hate Relationships

I completely agree. It is better to deal with the deeper issues and not use a relationship as an escape, you will only end up searching for happiness in the other person. When two people are fulfilled and happy, and have dealt with their own issues and are in a comfortable place- not needy or desperate for a relationship, only then can you have any true connection. 

[JustinS]

On 4/10/2016 at 0:08 AM, Nickfury7 said:

@Leo Gura A few enlightenments in? So there are more than one enlightenment?

@Nickfury7 I believe he met a enlightenment experiences but not the full actual shabang.

Edited May 17, 2016 by JustinS

[stevegan928]

On 3/30/2016 at 10:54 AM, SkyPanther said:

Then you have the egoic development path, which is discussed by Ken Wilber.  

What is this path based on? It almost sounds like the cultivation of self esteem.

[SkyPanther]

Just now, stevegan928 said:

What is this path based on? It almost sounds like the cultivation of self esteem.

It seems to be about paradigm shifts in how you respond to culture, and relativistic "truths" and concepts that humans deal with. 

[stevegan928]

I'll look into that, it seems interesting.

 

[Concioushairqueen]

I left my husband last year and some time after I hit "enlightenment" and now he wants to work it out but we are so clearly different now. In the past I would have come running back and although it may work out at some point I am not drawn to him and no longer have a need for him.. I am self sufficient and confident without him.. I believe if we got back together now it would be detrimental to my growth, I can only hope that we at some point will grow back together, in the mean time I am whole and happy.. someone once told me you will never truly love me til your need for me goes away..

[CaliforniaChris]

Why are you worried about the future?

 

[pluto]

As Sky mentioned, depends on the type of Enlightenment.

Some souls are more evolved than others so they do not require partnership while others do.

[sgn]

@CaliforniaChris Nice bump 

[Ether]

Of course. Eckhart Tolle is in one. Adyashanti is in one. They still reached enlightenment.