Need HELP putting my experience into context

[abundance]

Last November I had a rather odd experience while driving that I can only catergorize as a brief 'awakening' experience. Last year was a very trying time for me in my personal life (working two jobs to save up for my wedding, sleep loss, demanding work at my primary job). Despite my circumstances I maintained a daily practice of meditation. There were some days I would awake extra early to do 2 hours of meditation. I believe maintaining a consistent practice is what 'opened' me up to have this experience. 

One day on a particularly stressful day I was driving (more like racing) to my second job after work in heavy traffic. I became very frustrated and angry with circumstances of my life. I began to mentally curse out the slow driver in front of me. My mind became a cesspool of all these negative and self defeating thoughts. I felt myself going over the edge. And in that moment the mental dialogue had abruptly ceased and I took a long look at every other driver around me. It then occured to me that most of the drivers were in the exact same sort of misery I was (beeping their horns, risking their own safety and others to get ahead of each other etc). It all looked so vividly ridiculous that I began to laugh hysterically.  Any onlookers probably thought I had went insane. We were all racing to get 'somewhere'. The epihpany I had at that moment was that this 'somewhere' didnt exist. All that was, was just the present. I went deeper and began to question more. There was no 'I' that existed. 'I' was a complete and utter fabrication. The 'I' that 'I' identified myself as was a complete sham and so were all of the things 'I' stressed out about so much.  Every concept. Every notion. All of it was a complete sham. 'I' felt like an actor in a lifelong movie who forgot he was a just an actor on a set For the rest of the evening I was in total bliss. I appreciated every moment in heavy traffic and complete the task at my 2nd job with joyfullness.

The following days afterwards I had very intense meditations. During these sessions I would feel an unconditional sense of love and compassion for everything that made me weep tears of joy. Whenever I saw my wife, dog , or anything for that matter it was as if I was seeing them for the very first time. The world felt mystical and mysterious again. 

It wasn't too long before I found myself getting more and more enveloped in the world around me. I had what you may call a major ego backlash. I was exhibiting the same unconscious behaviors as I had before....but with slightly more consciousness. I have been struggling to feel that sense of union I had those days last November and often find myself confused about where I go in my practice from here. For one I am not sure if this was an elightenment or awakening experience to begin with. I know I must go further inward but present circumstances in life make the possibility to do so very limited. 

Has anyone ever been in the same boat? Have you ever had an awakening experience only to go unconscious shortly after?

 

Thank you for reading all of this. Your advice is greatly appreciated.

[fewrocker]

I'm still a beginner on this path. But surely it is a back and forth journey. You won't only build on top of the previous experience as if you can stack awareness on top of awareness and always go up. The good part is that by having that brief awakening, you get a glimpse that the path is making sense and that all the spiritual talk starts to resonate more with you. You know when you start all of this and you're reluctant to believe, thinking it is all too irrational, but teachers say "Well, if you want the challenge, do it and you will understand by experience"

I guess you had some sort of peak experience. Did it feel like a combination of these?

- loss of judgment to time and space

- the feeling of being one whole and harmonious self, free of dissociation or inner conflict

- the feeling of using all capacities and capabilities at their highest potential, or being "fully functioning"

- functioning effortlessly and easily without strain or struggle

- feeling completely responsible for perceptions and behavior. Use of self-determination to becoming stronger, more single-minded, and fully volitional

- being without inhibition, fear, doubt, and self-criticism

- spontaneity, expressiveness, and naturally flowing behavior that is not constrained by conformity

- a free mind that is flexible and open to creative thoughts and ideas

- complete mindfulness of the present moment without influence of past or expected future experiences

- a physical feeling of warmth, along with a sensation of pleasant vibrations emanating from the heart area outward into the limbs.

[Forestluv]

@abundance For sure - it's a bona-fide awakening. You awakened that "the story" each human creates is a fabrication. After I had this awakening, I used the same analogy as you - it was like realizing we are playing actors on a stage. And that we are much more than playing the script we are given. Your *knowing* of this now runs deeper than intellectual knowledge - you also have direct experience knowledge.

After various forms of awakenings, it is super common to backslide into the previous perspective. For example, the ego may get caught up playing the actor again. The ego may try to dismiss the experience as being irrational. Yet, once you really see an insight, you cannot unsee it. It might get buried and dormant for a while - yet it is always there. The next time you have a similar direct experience - you will remember and know.

If you want to strengthen the insight, contemplate it for a while. Don't over-analyze it. Sit with it and see what arises. See if you can revisit that space. Be mindful of your resistance to revisiting that space.

[abundance]

55 minutes ago, fewrocker said:

I'm still a beginner on this path. But surely it is a back and forth journey. You won't only build on top of the previous experience as if you can stack awareness on top of awareness and always go up. The good part is that by having that brief awakening, you get a glimpse that the path is making sense and that all the spiritual talk starts to resonate more with you. You know when you start all of this and you're reluctant to believe, thinking it is all too irrational, but teachers say "Well, if you want the challenge, do it and you will understand by experience"

I guess you had some sort of peak experience. Did it feel like a combination of these?

- loss of judgment to time and space

- the feeling of being one whole and harmonious self, free of dissociation or inner conflict

- the feeling of using all capacities and capabilities at their highest potential, or being "fully functioning"

- functioning effortlessly and easily without strain or struggle

- feeling completely responsible for perceptions and behavior. Use of self-determination to becoming stronger, more single-minded, and fully volitional

- being without inhibition, fear, doubt, and self-criticism

- spontaneity, expressiveness, and naturally flowing behavior that is not constrained by conformity

- a free mind that is flexible and open to creative thoughts and ideas

- complete mindfulness of the present moment without influence of past or expected future experiences

- a physical feeling of warmth, along with a sensation of pleasant vibrations emanating from the heart area outward into the limbs.

First off, thank you very much for the detailed response. 

I definitely find that certain facets of non-dualistic teachings resonate with me more since the experience. Prior to the experience my understanding of nondualism and enlightenment was ALL intellectual. This in itself was a distraction for me and often led me into neglecting daily practice. 

The descriptions you provided are spot on, especially the one about not having any doubts, inhibition, and fears. The idea of having any one of these traits at the time of my experience would have been ludicrous. All of my fears and all notions I had about myself were shattered