From me to me

[Fuku]

Ok I actually never did journaling. I don't know why and how, but I might as well try.

So, this will not be about spirituality values right now (cause I feel like I'm getting """better""" at viewing the world and myself in general), but rather about more classical self-development things. I feel a strong need to pass through stage orange (to simplify) values. Cause I spent a lot of time alone with my night job for 10 years and missed a lot of social life. I could just start moving my ass out when I have free time but I also feel like I really need a way to free myself from work because I can't bear the thought of wasting time working for someone and something I don't care anymore.
When I achieve that and find a way to sustain myself (this is going to be a long way but at least my work leaves me a lot of free hours during the night to think, plan and learn), I think everything will come together. I'm not waiting on any kind of personal business success to be happy or grow myself spiritually tho. This is always happening on the side. But it will at least give me fulfilling day and free time of my choice.
But I feel like a piece is missing. If my daily life is not fulfilling and I missed experiences (work, relationships - in my whole life, none lasted more than 2 months for different reasons, once I left, once I was thrown out very harshly-).
I also miss knowledge. I'm not someone practical at all. More on the artistic side. So 2 things from there :

- I have to try and find a business that lets me use one of the things I know how to do (well, badly, but that I know I can learn to get to an acceptable level) : illustration, video, or maybe music. I'm really drawn to Youtube videos too. Not sure if this should be a part of my business like promoting, or literally my full business. I have one "niche" that could work in my head but I'm not sure you can actually still make money only from Youtube views. If anyone passing by knows, I'm listening. But pretty sure it's only part of a system of making money, not the main way. Currently trying to make lists based on ikigai and such. I'll be generous and give myself until the end of this month and start doing actual work.
- I have to learn about more practical things. I have no general knowledge, basically. I only fed myself with entertainment so far in my life. So I'm pretty good at analyzing what I know (movies, comics, animation), but nothing else.
So I decided to gather a list of books.
I love reading books but I don't really read anymore because Internet and games took all my attention. Got rid of games, now I have to limit my Internet use.
I also love researching things (might this be a piece of the puzzle of my life purpose? Maybe a less utopic job that I didn't think about?), so I cross-checked sources from people I like, and looking for average opinions and popularity, and made a list of books in various domains that I can read to enrich my general knowledge.

It's just a start, but if anyone's interested :

History
Science
Business
Esoterism/Paranormal/Magic
Psychology
Spirituality/Philosophy
Religion (I don't like the idea of religions, but I'm also drawn to it for some reason, plus it's good to know what you're talking about when it has such an important place in the world)
And, not my priority even if it's what I like the most so far, but fiction (I think I'll "reward" myself with those if I advance far enough with the rest), as I didn't read many classics or popular books either.

I don't know if I'm still a fast reader as I was like when I was younger, so I'll see how fast I can read one book, but my goal, even if it doesn't seem to be a lot, should be something low like 4 books per month. One (average) book per week should be doable.






Random things I have to keep in check :

- Stop trying to convince people who didn't asked for advice or a debate. You did this too much. Justification everywhere. Trying to change people. Even if it's for the better, if they're not ready, they're just not. You feel it when you're talking to them so change the subject. Also don't react when people react harshly to your different views of the world. Don't try to justify yourself more than you should.
- Stop smoking/vaping. Just stop already. You don't do it most of your day, barely vape a tiny bit everyday, but for some reason when you're with friends, you smoke cigs. Need more mindfulness here.
- Not buying anymore books to minimize space and spare money. I will read the books for free or paid ebooks, and buy the material versions later if it's a book I really liked.
- Question the type of sport you should do. Muay thai is super fun but this type of sport might be too much for my frail body at my age. One day, you'll get hurt for real. Maybe I should try a lighter martial art or just another sport. Team sport? Would help me to communicate better too.
- Start doing other spiritual practice besides meditation, reading and listening to videos. Probably kriya yoga.
- 20 mn daily meditation is steady so far, but I have to start making it longer progressively. Something like 5 mn per month?




 

Edited September 18, 2018 by Fuku

[Fuku]

Ok, now it's certain, I cling to every kind of entertainment I can rather than doing some work, spiritual or business related.
I might have got rid of video games, alcohol, I still hang out on forums like it will help me. Of course it actually can, but most of what I'm saying is sterile and I'm refreshing this too much. Starting from tomorrow, I'll just check stuff once in the morning, once in the evening, and restrain from talking if I add no value.

Businesswise, I have no idea what I'm doing but it seems to me after some research that I should go for illustration. I might suck, but at least I have done this most often in my life so I'd not start from nowhere. Sites like Redbubble and Upwork should allow me to find some work. Paid like shit but it can be a good start as I never really put anything out publicly. This will broaden my experiences, show me if working on this kind of setup and illustration is actually what I like, and progressively build a portfolio. Nothing to lose and I don't know where else to go anyway.

I still didn't start kriya yoga. But I told to myself that I have until the end of the month to set everything right and decide what my daily planning should be and what I will focus on the most. So I'll start the kriya book I found at this moment. Right now I feel like it might be ok to do a bit more research so I know the level I have to get to to be decent and sell.

On another note, it seems like I still try to push back the occasions I have to go out with friends and meet girls.
I basically have the experience of a teenager (a very shy one), and even if I got better at a lot of things, it seems like I freeze randomly when talking to women lately. I have to push through this and force myself. It will be hard cause the only way I know is going out in clubs/bars, and the fact that I don't drink anymore asks for some recalibration, but there is no other way. Get through the fire and fight fear and doubts. Try to have fun. For you and everyone you communicate with. It shouldn't be a challenge/a trial. Heh. Easier said than done, of course.

I feel pretty excited. I actually did nothing yet but I want to change more than ever.
Strangely, no signs of hardcore depression like I often had before. I think I know to ignore the triggers better now. I just have to get out of here and not rot in this state.


Who am I doing this journal for tho? Do I expect anyone to communicate? And why? Nah... I know it's probably for myself, but right now I don't see the interest in doing this, as I don't think it can teach me something.
Eh. New rule : don't come back writing here unless you made some progress in your life, or discovered some kind of new truth (or one that you already heard before but didn't really fully grasp or see in context).

 

[Fuku]

Ok, this is not progress but I might as well note problems I'm getting more aware of.
Well, I've been feeling absolutely great for a few days, like, everything I'm doing is cool, and this weird feeling of knowing where I go without really knowing.
But right now, this fucking thought : "wow, it took me almost 40 fucking years to get there." Followed by a feeling of desperation, waste of time, something sapping my energy and trying to drag me to depression.
I know I shouldn't answer it. But at the same time, rationnaly, this thought is kinda right. The feeling of having wasted so much time and having accomplished literaly nothing by society's standard (and I'm not even talking about orange success, but even average people success) seems to be here to destroy my in the background and it has this weight because it's "true".

There. Maybe talking about it will help me fight it. I always have these triggers that make me fall back into depression. Well I'm telling you right now. Not this time. We're gonna work together. Just sit back in the passenger seat and chill, I'm going to get us to the next destination. It's gonna be ok. Love you.

Edited September 23, 2018 by Fuku

[Fuku]

It's weird. Today, at muay thai training, coach said that we all lacked agressiveness, and told us to try and find something we really hate to flip a switch in our head and go into agressive mode.
I had to think really hard and I could not find anything that angers me. I don't like some things, as in I think they're not good for human evolution and well-being, but since I went in the direction of peace of mind, non-duality, acceptance, more generaly deleting hate, it's like true hate is not even in me anymore, right now at least. It feels like a waste of energy. (tbh I was never that much of a hateful person, I guess. Just got even better at avoiding low vibration mentality)
Maybe I'm actually avoiding it and idealizing the image we see of gurus/enlightened people and such.
Is hate actually useful sometimes, or is it ok to get rid of it?

Edited September 26, 2018 by Fuku

[Fuku]

I got rid of most fictions and video games. Alcohol. Any of type binge, non healthy eating.
Yet, I keep procrastinating.

It's a strange feeling, I'm truly excited about the possibilities and trying

I don't know the answer to those. Maybe I'm not strong enough to get rid of all my addictions? Should I just, literaly cut off Internet (there are some apps for that like Cold Turkey) for me that start doing things? Just, accepting that my current personnality is not strong enough to have the willpower to stick to a schedule/limitations?

Sometimes I also wonder if my life purpose might have something to do with the fact that I like going left and right (figuratively), being excited in short bursts, researching...But if that's the case and my life purpose is somehwere in here, is there even a kind of self-employed or even freelance job that have a link with these kind of activities?

Edited September 27, 2018 by Fuku