Deep sadness with pure love

[Timotheus]

@cetus56 @Nahm

Thanks <3

[Nahm]

@cetus56

[cetus]

3 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@cetus56

 

 

[Nahm]

@cetus56

nice! Never heard that one. 

How but this nugget of lyrical wisdom via J Mayor...always gets me in the feels...

 

“Why is it not the time?

What is there more to learn?

I shed this skin I been trippin in,

And I never quite returned.”

 

 

[Forestluv]

@kev014 It sounds like you are expanding/transcending love. I've experienced sorrow so pure the distinction between sorrow and love dissolved.

[cetus]

3 hours ago, Nahm said:

 

 

“Why is it not the time?

What is there more to learn?

I Shed this skin I been tripping in,

And I never quite returned.”

 

 

@Nahm Ain't that the truth

"That's it, the last time you'll look like today. 'Cause ripples never come back"

[here-now]

 

"...And Love is not a victory march;

It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah."

[kev014]

@Nahm @Serotoninluv @cetus56

This all began in January when I was attending a bioenergetic/dynamic meditation retreat. I'd describe the past 9 months as a continuous process of emotional releases of anger, sadness, and fear primarily followed by a deep intuitive understanding of the origin of these emotions/beliefs. Feels like I've been stripping back layers of my psyche as I go deeper and deeper. 

At this retreat, I had an unbelievably intense experience of being a baby left alone in the night crying out for my mom; was very painful and I just felt uncontrollable waves of tears flow through me for about 15 minutes straight. After this experience, I became very angry every time I spoke with my parents for months. I would get irrationally angry about the smallest things. About two months ago I was getting in to it with my parents and I felt this deep deep rage directed towards my father, my body was so charged with energy and I knew it was irrational but I felt such an intense surge of energy throughout my body. As we were arguing I said in absolute rage that as a youth I had always thought my dad 'wanted to beat the shit out of me as a kid.' Immediately this anger turned into uncontrollable sobbing and later that night feelings of deep irrational fear. 

Then about two weeks ago we had another less than pleasant conversation with another major emotional release. Somehow we began talking about my youth and how I always felt like I was never good enough and a troublemaker and various other low self esteem things. I said that I felt like I wasn't loved by others and that my parents had acted like I was such a horrible kid; they asked if maybe I had been projecting my own feelings externally. Upon them asking this I began to cry and deeply knew that they were correct, my beliefs of feeling like a bad kid were all illusions within me. Similar to a psychedelic trip, I had this deep intuitive understanding that a lot of these internalized beliefs came from the horrible, hateful rap music I listened to pretty much exclusively. I spent the next few hours reading lyrics/listening to these old songs and it just became more and more clear how they had taken root in my mind. This alternated with listening to sad songs and deep feelings of sadness, mourning, and grief. It honestly felt like I was mourning the death of this illusion and was fully experiencing the pain that I had been repressing unconsciously for years.

I post this all as somewhat of a question. I think I have a decent conceptual understanding of the spiritual purification process and emotional/trauma release. Is what I am describing similar in anyone else's personal experience? Is this a kundalini awakening (I ask because my experience is nearly identical to that of many others)? Is this a normal part of evolution and letting go of the ego/false beliefs? I intuitively think that what I am doing is healthy and beneficial in the long term, it is just very painful work and has caused me to go in and out of depression, anxiety, fear, losing 15ish pounds, absolute inability to do any schoolwork/concentrate, occasional nightmares and social isolation. I've just felt a pull within my core to be alone and come inward to myself, which was only exasperated by living in a house with 7 other frat guys who were constantly taking shots at me. 

Additionally during this time I have had many wonderful experiences. I began a wonderful relationship literally a week after the retreat and very quickly developed a deep heart connection/energetic bond. Also, when I was doing a gratitude practice I felt so unbelievably grateful for all of my food, water, the sun, clothes, etc. Can't explain it but I felt so blessed for what I had been given. Also, as I've let go of a fair amount of beliefs and begun seriously using affirmations, my confidence and feelings of certainty in my manifesting/creative abilities have sky-rocketed. Finally, when I'd focus on it I could feel deeper and deeper into love and joy.

Any thoughts or comments are greatly appreciated, seriously helps provide some peace of mind; thank you everyone. I also hope anyone else following this thread is getting some useful value from my story and the advice of everyone on here.

Edited September 19, 2018 by kev014
Forgot about the positive side effects of my experience

[Nahm]

@kev014

Awesome. 

It’s a facinating balance, the dream is. Real enough to be convincing, exciting, adventurous & not so real we overthink, missing the liberation and love. Sounds like it’s not lost on you. ??❤️

[Nahm]

Good luck.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eHiH1NytwjM

 

[yawning_]

On 9/17/2018 at 8:51 AM, kev014 said:

it is creating the necessary space for love to come through

yes, love is at the root of it all - its all part of the processing, perspective will shift and these feelings will emanate the most unimaginable beauty

 

often these feelings come up (especially during bioenergetic exercise) because tension that has been holding them in is released, and we allow attention to be brought to them [again] more fully

 

the catharsis is such a wonderful liberation is it not?

 

this all resonates very deeply, thank you for sharing and for being 

 

bless

 

ṉ̝̹̻͙̭̭͖̩͖̟̫̜̀̾ͬ̒̌̏͊ͅȁ͉̥̳̯̣̯̱̲̭̯̠̜̤̺̤͓̲͙̌̐̅ͧ̄̀͊ͬͭ̑ͭ̿ͬm̭̤̦̫͇̻̳̟̠̻̜̲̲̱̰ͤͨ̽̐̇ͅa̻͙͕̦̩̫̤͉̼̳̰̳̬̩̣̲͎̤̣ͨ́͛ͮ͒͊ͣͣͮs̪̙̠͎̣̩̦̱̭̗ͫͬͫ̔͌ͧ̾́͊̾̽͋ͩ̅͊ͩt̙̝̖̦͓̤̝͈͎͉͕̤͍̩͎̟̥̭̉͌ͩ̐͂ͦͩ̔e̘͈̻̞̜̫̝͇͉̬͉̰̼̩̟̖͈ͨ͐̾́͌͑

 

- yawning gap

 

<<here's some more sombre tunes>>

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVnLon8TvXk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmNiDoW15wQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7zn6duEhK4U

<<_>>

Edited September 23, 2018 by yawning_